Can't Say Goodbye, by Rock

So the guy I went out with on St. Patrick's Day called and left a voicemail asking me if I wanted to grab dinner sometime this week. I got the voicemail between dodgeball and work, and I had other things to take care of in between, so he didn't get a response right away.

After work, I also had a text from him asking the exact same thing.

Dude. I know with cell phones everyone is supposed to be accessible all the time in theory. But easy.

In theory, this really annoyed me. In all actuality, the text was a blessing because it meant I could respond by text instead of calling him.

"Hey! Sorry. Went straight from dodgeball to work: was planning on calling you back tomorrow. I had a good time on Thursday, but I don't think there's enough of a connection for any long-term potential. Sorry. Thanks again for a good time."

Still probably should have called him, but eh. It's a big step to even be able to handle that. Old me would be all "well if he sees a connection maybe I should give him a second chance." Imagine a weak, little, nerdy, pushover voice for that sentence.

Unfortunately, I wish I could say I handled ending things with the Faux Spaniard well. In all actuality, I just didn't end things.

We had brunch, we caught up, we walked around his neighborhood, we sat in the park and people watched. It was all fun, but a little awkward. I honestly wouldn't mind being friends with him at all. I honestly thought that because of how things were going- no hand-holding, no hugging, no hello kiss- that we were on the same page and things were going to be easier.

We went back to his place and watched some tv. With about five minutes left in the show, he awkwardly puts his hand on my knee. I grab it. The show ended and I left for work. We kissed good-bye briefly. So awkward.

My new plan is to call him this week and talk it out over the phone. I feel like I can handle that better than in person. I'll never get my books back, but I can replace them and consider the cost a "don't lend books to boys that you might not want to stick around" learning fee. What's sad is that I will quote 2.0's break-up speech to him: "It's been feeling more platonic for a while, but I wanted to see. I was rooting for us."

Speaking of 2.0, he responded to my email saying hello. It was courteous and brief.

St. Patty's Date, by Rock

So there's been this guy on Connexion that has looked pretty promising. We had been emailing back and forth for a while, and eventually it was decided that we would meet up. Currently getting his MBA at a college in a very near-by suburb, he seemed to have a wit about him that I enjoyed. He teased me about my admission of my love of board games on my profile, saying that he enjoyed them as well, but would be too embarrassed to put it on a dating profile. So when it was established that we would meet, I suggested the same board game bar that I had my first date with 2.0 at.

I almost had a heart attack when he almost picked the same table that 2.0 and I sat at both times we were there. Luckily he swerved to a different one farther away from the door.

We talked and he kicked my ass at Scrabble over two beers. He seemed to completely be my type and we seemed to be having a good enough time. Conversation was flowing well and I thought that I may be on to something. In fact I even texted Doris that this bar might be the lucky place for first dates.

We decided to go get food and things went a little downhill. We live our lives pretty differently, and I don't think they would mesh super well. There were a few dead spaces in our conversation. He had gotten a text that 30 Rock was amazing so after dinner I suggested we go to my place and watch it.

We watched it and it was amazing. The date was reaching that point where if I wanted it to go somewhere I would ask him to leave and plan a date number two or if I didn't want to see him again I could have some mediocre-to-amazing fooling around time. Which I needed. So we started making out and it migrated to the bed and it was pretty good not great. Of course, first date, so no home runs for anyone.

Lying there afterward, I realized two things. I felt no intimacy with this man. I wasn't sure if I just didn't want it with him or didn't want it with anybody.

Since very few people who read this know me, few people will understand the magnitude of me not wanting to find love and be close to someone right now. Let me explain this in a way that every woman and gay man will understand.

I am a Charlotte.

I am. I always have been. Optimistic and in love with love.

And now I feel very Miranda-ish, and I don't think it suits me.

I had a dream last night that brings me to tears to type about. 2.0 and I were walking through a park at night talking about how it didn't work out and how we missed each other. He said he regretted the break-up, but didn't want to get back together on principle. I kissed him. At first he resisted then, then he gave in and we shared this incredible moment on a bench under a tree and the stars.

Then I woke up next to this guy, to rub salt in the wound.

I did something stupid and emailed 2.0 this morning. Just a "Was at last night with friends and thought of you. Hope you're well." It was stupid and transparent, but what can you do? Sometimes I need to put myself in a position to get hurt again so I remember the initial hurt.

I don't know why I miss 2.0. The sex was eh. He was distant and not so great the second month we were dating. I would give him a second chance, but he'd be on thin ice for the longest time and it would almost surely not work out.

I think more than mourning the end of our relationship, I've been mourning the death of Charlotte inside me. I miss how excited and optimistic I used to get. Now I'm so sure it won't work out, that I'll get hurt.

I keep saying I need a little me time, that I need to lay off the dates for a while. Yet, I still keep setting them up and going on them. Even in my retreating emotional state, I'm still afraid that if I'm not out there I'll miss out on something great.

This song kept going through my head last night as I couldn't sleep.