First of all, on Sunday I was with the Couple and we were doing these personality analysis things. Mine talked a lot about how prevalent the idea of sacrifice was in my life, whether I gave up things because of a sense of duty or to please my parents and how it probably didn't feel like sacrifice to me, it just felt like doing the right thing. It talked about how I demand sacrifice from important people in my life. The word "sacrifice" made me really uncomfortable and I was not okay with this analysis at all, but I have been mulling it over and wondering if there is some truth to it.
(For the record, the rest of the night with The Couple was really fun. I think I want to start transitioning into just a friendship, but that is neither here nor there, I want to talk about last night. Not Sunday.)
Last night I worked but then was supposed to head over to Charlie's to watch a movie and most likely have a sleepover. A sleepover had been close to happening last time, but because of things like contact solution and early morning classes on his part, we decided to wait until next time.
You might remember that Charlie lives in the same building, on the same floor as 2.0. However, I really thought I was over this and it wouldn't be a big deal, even if I did run into him.
But I was really looking forward to hanging out with Charlie. We had been cute texting all week, he has a lot going for him, it was going to be fun. All of work, I was really excited to head over and relax and probably get laid.
Then I got a text during work asking if I had seen "I Love You, Phillip Morris" because it was "finally out" and supposed to be "incredible." I said I hadn't and that was definitely an option. But for some reason, and I don't know why, this annoyed me a bit. Call me petty. I would definitely see that movie out of curiosity, but I would probably do most things out of curiosity. I slept with a girl a little over a year ago just to "see what it was like." But that's another story.
I jumped in a cab and headed to his place after work, and I am not going to lie: it was a little weird giving 2.0's address. I had taken that cab ride so many times in December and January. I exited the cab at the grocery store with the Redbox where 2.0 and I had done so many frozen pizza and beer runs (to be fair, this was also my grocery store for most of college, so let's not get overly nostalgic for 2.0). And to be honest, at this point, this was all just a little weird. I wasn't freaking out about it. Yeah I would prefer to not run into 2.0, but it was actually all just kind of amusing.
Charlie got down there and we started looking at movies and immediately he was just annoying to me. I think he was just really excited to be hanging out with me, and that is very sweet, but it manifested itself into this hyper energy that was just not appealing. Something about his movie tastes were just a little off-putting. It's hard to describe, I'm usually not that snob, but I just recall thinking "What was I thinking?" This guy is not for me.
We decided on The Switch. We went back up to his place, and I felt a little like I was trespassing but again it was just weird more than anything. I remember being ready for anything when I got off the elevator on that floor, but that moment quickly passed, we turned right instead of left, and all was well.
Looking back at it, it was almost rude how when we got into his room, I just started turning on his TV and putting the movie in, but the small talk was taking a while, and I knew he had to get up so early. I didn't make a big deal of it, I was just getting ready for our night. But I probably should have just let him do it. I could have even suggested that he do it, but I just did it. Which strikes me as weird now. At this point, his energy was still just really kind of bugging me.
We watched the movie lying in his bed just kind of touching. About halfway through he put his head on my shoulder and I wrapped my arm around him.
For the record, the movie is great. It was definitely a bit more serious than we thought it was going to be, but I really enjoyed it a lot. Add it to your queue.
The whole movie though I was dreading about after. I knew that no hard feelings, but I really didn't want to see him again after this. The energy just wasn't there like I thought it was. I was mad at myself for thinking it was. I was confused as to why it wasn't there anymore, but I knew it would be awful to fool around and spend the night and then never want to see him again. I knew it was easier short-term, but not overall.
Earlier in the day before work I was reading this short story by Lorrie Moore called "What Is Seized. It is narrated by this woman recalling growing up with a "cold man" for a father and the toll it took on her mother. It was a beautiful, haunting story, all the more so because I had this realization that I am attracted to "cold men." Men that could lure you in with charm, but then left you gasping for some emotional connection. 2.0 strikes me as one, for example, and if you worked through my evil exes you could probably find a few more.
So now I had this guy who was so excited to have me over and in his bed that he was practically bouncing off of the walls and that energy, that excitement over me was so off-putting that I considered myself completely over this guy. What exactly is wrong with me?
After the movie he started kissing me and every kiss was awful for me. I felt trapped and claustrophobic. I kept thinking about this "sacrifice" I was going to have to make of fooling around with this guy I wasn't into. He could tell that something was a bit up.
"Are you tired?" he asked me.
"A little. Are you?" I replied.
"No. Should I be?"
We continued kissing as it because more and more apparent to me that I could not spend the night. Absolutely not. My head rushed for excuses and reasons that wouldn't crush this sweet boy that did nothing wrong.
Finally I had a moment of genius.
"I'm sorry," I began, "It's just so weird for me knowing that he's just a few doors down. I made it sounds like I was over him more than I was, but he really broke my heart."
He was empathetic. "I knew something was wrong. I'm just glad it's not me. I thought I did something wrong."
We did the little dance, both commenting on how similar the apartments looked. Me apologizing and saying how stupid I felt.
He asked if I wanted to just go to bed. I said I thought it was better if I left.
I felt like the biggest dick in the world. He was crushed. But at least his feelings were spared a little bit. I gave him an awkward hug good-bye at the door.
Walking to the train station, I wondered if there was any truth to my excuse. It certainly felt a bit true, but I could have just really bought into it in order to sell it to Charlie. My current guess is that it was a little more uncomfortable for me to be there than I was allowing myself to admit, but that being said, it wouldn't have worked out with Charlie anyway, and I was lucky to have such a good excuse right there. I looked like a fool, but a sacrifice I am willing to make in order to spare his feelings a bit.
I am a little surprised that he hasn't texted me anything about last night. I think he knows that it is completely over and completely awkward. Not sure if I owe him an "Again I'm really sorry" text or not.
But anyway, that was my night. I'm still a little confused by it. If someone can figure it out better than I have, by all means, please don't be shy.
First, let me second your recommendation of The Switch. Definitely more serious than how it was marketed, but a nice little film. Jason Bateman owned it—I really believed his character’s journey, and his relationship with the little boy was so well done.
ReplyDeleteSecond…I think you did the right thing, even though it was hard. If Charlie was the right guy—or even just the right guy for now—I don’t think 2.0 in the same building would have bothered you nearly as much, if at all. You are moving on from the heartbreak, which is great, but it’s still fresh. There are still places you associate with 2.0, especially the place he lived where you have good memories. It’s normal. And if you liked Charlie enough to overcome it, that’s one thing, but it sounds like it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. If part of that was a sacrifice, it was a good one.
Don’t do the “again, I’m really sorry” text. He seems like a nice guy. He was gracious about it and is now leaving you alone. I think another text would be overcompensating and might hurt his feelings.
As for your propensity for cold men: looking back at your exes, I think there is some truth to this. Not all of them have been cold, but many have been emotionally or even physically unavailable in some way or another. One was very young, and then went away. One went as far as inviting you on a trip and then treating you like shit, even though you were perfectly willing to just be friends and have fun. It’s good you are recognizing this now, and you’ll be able to see how it affects your dating choices in the future.
Btdubs, I think you should blog about your one-nighter with a vagina. No gory details, just your thought process and emotional reaction. Just a suggestion.
Can't wait to discuss The Switch more with you! Probably one I'm going to buy actually. I liked it that much.
ReplyDeleteGoing to hold off of the text. You're right. Sometimes trying to seem like the "nice guy" is even meaner.
But yeah the big realization of the day is my propensity for cold men. I've noticed this trend before but having it articulated in such a way by Moore really got to me. I don't know if I'll ever shake this attraction, but I wouldn't mind if "warm" men seemed a little more attractive.
That blog post might happen. We'll see. :)