Remember in SATC when Carrie was dating Aiden but ended up in bed with Big and a cigarette and you hated her and had to walk around and cool off because you were so angry with her?
Yeah get ready.
So tonight I went to go see a play with EE#3's boyfriend. Now you may recall that the three of us had a good time more than a few weeks ago. We had been trying to figure out a time to hang out again, I needed to see a show tonight, I asked them to come and only the boyfriend could make it.
We pregamed a little before the show and I brought up how I thought they were such a good couple. That brought up how they weren't a great couple and even though they were about to move in together they were having all these problems, a lot of them sex related.
This got me (probably unfairly) talking about my problems with EE#3. A lot of this guy's problems with him were similar. So we commiserated. We had a plan to get EE#3 to hang out with us after to have a repeat performance and that kind of gave us the safety to flirt a little, thinking that all would be well with the three of us very shortly.
The show ended and we headed back to my place to drink some more, eat some pizza, and we thought to wait for him. Then we got a text that not only was he not coming, he felt a little tricked into coming, and was a little uncomfortable with us hanging out. I excused this guy to go. He wanted to continue to hang out. Our legs continued to touch as we watched "Easy A" of all things. Irony.
The movie ended and we got a little closer and I finally said, "I don't want you to do anything that you will regret tomorrow. We should stop." And he said, "I told you that we haven't had sex in months. This isn't my first time fooling around on the side." I replied, "Well you can never ever tell him."
And with that, I became "the other woman." We fooled around. I felt guilty. I more felt like I should feel guilty than actually feeling guilty. I hate that I did that to EE#3. I realize if it wasn't me, it would be someone else. That doesn't make it okay.
I don't know. He just left. I'm still processing. I'm still tipsy. I never would have expected this.
There used to be this machine at the state fair when I was growing up that would analyze your signature and tell you your personality. I remember being told around sixth grade that I was the kind of person that would cheat if I knew 100% that I could get away with it. I remember knowing even back then that it was probably true.
I feel awful. I feel okay if I don't think about EE#3, but if I think about him I feel awful.
I think what bothers me the most is that I used to think they had this great thing. I'm terrified that I'll "find love" with someone and they will do this to me and I will have no idea. Granted I would never let my relationship regress to the problems they are having but still. No excuse. It's scary to think I could be left playing the fool.
I feel so badly that I didn't want to share this, didn't want to write about it. I'm forcing myself to do it while I'm not sober so I can't pretend it didn't happen. So I have to own up to it on some degree.
SOBER UPDATE: What's done is done. I won't let it happen again. Moving on.
Sounds like you have sobered up and are moving on, but I’ll put in my two cents anyway:
ReplyDeleteShit happens. More often than you would think. I hope you will never be the cheated-on person, but again, it happens and you will cross that bridge when you come to it, depending on the state of that particular relationship. Some break up. Some stay together. It really is a case-by-case basis.
Was it the best decision on your part? No. However: a) it takes two people to do this, and you’re not the one who made a commitment to EE#3, b) as you said, if it wasn’t you it would have been someone else (in fact, it HAS been someone else before), and c) it doesn’t make you a bad person.
You can feel guilty or not, just don’t beat yourself up over it.
You and I have had arguments about Carrie’s actions in season 3. I always thought sleeping with Big once wasn’t her greatest screw-up: it was sleeping with him several more times after that while continuing her relationship with Aidan. With EE#3, his relationship will continue or it won’t, and either way (whether he finds out about this or not), it will have nothing to do with you.
I agree with your assessment of Carrie. That's kind of been my stance on cheating if someone were to do it to me as well: if it was a drunken thing that happened one night, okay. Maybe we can move on. If it was premeditated or repeated, I don't know if I could continue.
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