Update Past Due, by Rock

My apologies if any of you were on pins and needles (I'm guessing no.). I've been in the process of setting some crazy huge life changes in motion and work has been scheduling me all sorts of hours. This blog had to take a temporary back seat to, well, life, not to sound too over dramatic.

What's been going on.

I've made the decision recently that I will probably be going to graduate school. Though I won't be entering for a while (still have to take the appropriate entrance exam and apply and we're talking fall of 2012), the need for a guy in my life has greatly diminished. I have other things to worry about, spend my money on, and though I would love to stay in this amazing city that I call home, there's a possibility I will have to move away for a few years for school, depending on where I get in. If I am lucky enough to stay here, I don't know if I will want the distraction of a guy in my life.

So where does that bring me? Noah Wyle. I've still been seeing him, though he's currently at home for a week and a half helping his mom recover from surgery. He's definitely the nicest guy I have ever dated, which for better or for worse is not my type. I honestly think we're good, not great together, and I don't know if we have long-term potential. If I were looking for forever, I would probably end it now.

But right now, he's in med school, I'm studying for an asshole test, it's really easy, and it's kind of nice. He's fully aware that I will be entering school who knows where. I'm fully aware he might get his residency in a few years who knows where. Good enough might be enough for right now.

Flipping the figurative coin back over, I don't know how fair that is to him, and I don't know how necessary it is for me to articulate that in order for it to continue. I think I can hold off until he brings up the "boyfriend" word, but we'll see.

So that's where I am on him. Operating firmly on the advice I love: "The only decision you have to make is if you want to see him one more time."

And yes, I saw 2.0 at a concert and yes, I freaked out. I was in line waiting to get in. He passed by with his head down, probably avoiding eye contact, which I happily avoided. I spent most of the concert looking around for him, wondering if a run-in would be cathartic or awful. But it didn't happen. I don't know why this guy bothers me so much.

Then there is EE#5. Still the only guy I was convinced I could spend the rest of my life with. I still am, which is why I need to get the FUCK over him. Saw a facebook status update of his, and it had me waxing poetic and being nostalgic all day. He's still on the west coast. I'm not sure if I'll ever see him again. I wish him well. But ouch. Why can't the hurt go away 100%? Clearly we're not meant to be.

He has an evil ex as well, by Rock

First of all, Doris is on vacation with her family. She is alive and well, she drunk dialed me at 4:30a last night, but that explains her lack of updates. Hopefully she has found at least one guy to stick her tongue down while out on the town with her sister.

This weekend was an interesting one for me. If I was not at work, I was with 2.0. A lot of it was sleeping. I also did an IKEA run with him since I have a car and he doesn't. We had a fun date night. It's all been really good. It's definitely transitioned from "dating" to a "relationship." It's implicit that we want to see each other when we can, and when I'm surprised that after the IKEA trip he wants to buy me lunch and then even more surprised when he wants to take a nap with me before I go to work, maybe I shouldn't be anymore. Maybe I should give him the gift of respecting his feelings for me.

For a hot second I was trying to push a little too much affection. A lot of his stories about boys in the past end with "and then I decided we would work better as friends." I decided to get all nervous that we were headed in that direction, but then I calmed the fuck down. If that happens, it'll happen. It'll have nothing to do with the fact that it's happened before. I've made that realization with plenty of guys before as well. I realized how nice it feels to have fallen in this relationship zone and it feels good. That's enough comfort.

Last night I was at work and he texted me to ask when I would be done. I immediately knew that something was wrong. I thought it was awesome that I knew it wasn't about me or "us" at all, but something external. I said I was at work for a while, but asked if everything was okay. He said that it was, and we said our good nights.

We talked today to catch up and he brought up what was going on. Apparently an ex and his ex's mother are going to be in town and his ex wants the three of them to have dinner. This is his big one, the one that broke his heart and got away. His equivalent of EE#5, except his might have been a bigger douchebag about it. Anyway, he wanted to make sure it was okay and kind of talk it out. He wasn't even sure he wanted to see him. His ex knew about me of course. They had a buffer since his ex's mom was going to be there...

I am happy to report that I handled this like an AMAZING boyfriend. I told him I was fully supportive of whatever was best for him. I talked about the closure I felt after a lunch with EE#5. I told him of course trust wasn't even an issue and I knew he was happy with me. I made it sound like not a big deal at all (which it really isn't), as far as I was concerned, that he should do what was best for him: he was under no obligation to have dinner if he didn't want to, but if he thought it would be beneficial for him, then he should definitely do it.

The fact that he was even "asking" permission showed me that there were some residual feelings (He's friends with a few other exes, and has never asked permission to hang out with them. He's just seeing his friend. I'm never worried.). There's no way of asking if these feelings are of love or anger. I'm sure it's a combination of both. He admitted that if he goes (which it looks like he will), that it'll be because he's looking for closure. Which I hope he gets.

I'll be a little nervous on Wednesday, but it'll be for him, not for us. We're solid.

I'm sandwiching his Wednesday night with his Evil Ex with Tuesday and Thursday plans with me. Remind him how great he's got it now. Sometimes passive aggressiveness can be used for good!

But in all seriousness, it's almost nice to see him a little shaky about something. It reminds me that he's human, and it makes him all the more endearing.

Real Thing vs. Best Thing

After a delightful date on Tuesday (he made me pizza with homemade dough and my favorite toppings, then we listened to music and played Scrabble), I haven't gotten a chance to talk to 2.0 other than texts and emails since. I miss the sound of the voice. I need it. I can hear that everything is okay and wonderful in the subtext and I don't get insecure. But I'm in a little bit of a mood right now, and as is on his way (we're supposed to get naked and get down (sorry for the TMI), then go to dinner and a concert at a coffee shop. It sounds perfect, but whether it's my insecurities, my fear that he's illogically decided things are working out in the past 48 hours, or just that I'm tired, I'm not in the mood, I'm not ready for him to come over.

And I'm so damn self-aware that I can't just be in a bad mood when he gets here. I don't want to be unattractive, so I'll put on a show. But what's more unattractive, insincerity or a little bit of grumpiness?

I want to be cheered up, but I don't want to know that I want to be cheered up.

Part of the issue is the planned sex (see, I brought it up for a reason). I like it to happen naturally. If I'm not in the mood, I'm not going to want to go there. I want him to get me there, but first I have to cheer up and wake up.

I'm really afraid I'm going to fuck this all up. I know what kind of person I want to be, I'm good at presenting that person at the beginning of a new relationship, and then the cracks begin to show.

God forbid someone love me despite these flaws. I don't know if that's something I'm interested in. I want someone to expect as much from me as I expect from myself.

I'm kind of just waiting for him to tell me he's not into me anymore. And I'm realizing how many issues I have from EE#5 that I haven't really had to deal with before (I wasn't that invested in EE#6). And I'm realizing that these issues could be the catalyst to the end so I should just get over it.

The funny thing is, I'm not 100% sold on him yet. He's shown a few cracks as well. Just a few. But I'm a lot more forgiving of him than I am of myself.

Evil Ex #5, by Rock

So once upon a time, in between the two stories of EE#4, when I was 24-years-old, I met a very cute 20-year-old college student on Connexion. We started talking and decided to go on a date. I realized the dangers of dating a newly-out 20-year-old college student, but I decided we could just have a fun night or two and it didn't have to turn into anything.

Except that it did. I fell madly in love with him. Yes, I was concerned that he was so young and so "new," but he assured me over and over that he couldn't ever see himself needing to play the field and his sister had been with her first boyfriend for the last five years.

So I let things develop. And develop they did. I got along super well with his friends, his dog, his parents (they got a holiday card from me last year). He came home for a visit with me and got along super well with my friends and family.

He honestly was the first person (and up to this point only) person that I've ever thought I could spend the rest of my life with. It was that good. Even the guy I lived with, I think I always realized that I was young enough that it would never be forever with him. I guess that should have been a warning sign for this one.

It was all going amazingly well until he left to study abroad in Australia. He had told me he was planning to go when we met, but it was five months away, and it was never supposed to get super serious anyway. But as it drew nearer, we had to address it. I was very okay with letting him have his five months away and then starting to date again when he came back if it felt right. I didn't want to hinder his experience there at all. For the record, he was the one who wanted to make it work. We bought webcams, we got Skype accounts, I bought tickets to visit him two months in.

And for a while it worked really well. And then it didn't. I felt him getting more distant. The emails got shorter. The Skype dates were few and far between. And I was torn. I wanted him to have the experience he needed over there, but as my friends reminded me, there were two of us in the relationship, and my needs needed to be met as well.

I wrote him a message explaining the distance I had been feeling, and he wrote back that he was feeling it as well. We decided to enjoy our trip together and see if that helped.

I cannot express how awful it was waiting two weeks for the trip. Waiting the 18 hours on the plane. Waiting the cab ride over to his dorm from the airport. Even the trip itself was the most "bipolar" experience of my life. On one hand, I was out of North America for the first time of my life and exploring this amazing city and country. On the other hand, I knew I was "auditioning" to keep my relationship and pretty sure I was failing.

The day I left was the day he left for spring break. We agreed to not talk about the big elephant in the room until he got back. So there was another two weeks of awful dreadful waiting. I wrote him a note with one last plea that even if we took a break for the rest of his trip, there was something worth fighting for and I wanted to pick up where we left off when he got back.

He wrote back a very sweet note that while he loved me, I didn't fit into his life right now and he needed to end the relationship. Maybe we would start up again when he got back, but it couldn't be a definite.

And that was that. Except that it wasn't. Because I still held onto the hope that it would in fact start up again. And then when it didn't, I held onto the hope that maybe he just needed a few months at home before he'd want me back in his life. But he didn't. And I got the hint eventually.

It's the first time I've ever had a broken heart. I feel like I became a man from this experience. I literally got some wrinkles I hadn't had before. Maybe it was coincidence, but I really don't think it was.

We had lunch before I moved back and it was nice to see him without an agenda. We caught up and wished each other well, and I can honestly say there is no regrets. I wish him the best.

But fuck that hurt.

Lessons and baggage:

1- I used to think it was important if you liked the same movies. Now I realize that nothing is more important than having the same long-term and short-term goals. So maybe it's awkward to talk about, but rest assured on that first date I am going to mention the house and dog and kids in my future and that I'm not just dating for dating's sake anymore. I'd rather have one awkward date on the first date than an awkward date a month or two into dating.

2- Especially with things going so well with 2.0 (There's only one time before that the beginning of a relationship has felt this good. GUESS WHICH ONE.), I'm very cognizant of the fact that my heart could be broken again. I haven't put up a giant prison wall around my heart, but there is a small fence that you're going to have to jump over if you want in.

3- I won't say that I loved him more, but I was definitely more invested than him. I kind of didn't mind that feeling, but now I do. Jesus Christ, please don't smother me, but I want to feel special as well. I read once that the best relationship is a contest of generosity. Maybe I don't mind if I win (in fact, I probably prefer it), but I need you to compete.

4- No more college students or new gays.