I'm Alive!, by Doris

Thanks to Rock for holding down the fort in my absence. As he stated in his last post, I was on a super-awesome vacation with my fam. I'm at the point in my life where for the most part I get along really well with my parents because, well, we're all adults and they're not trying to tell me what to do anymore. My sibs and I have always been really close. So a good time was had by all.

Mostly.

The bad news is, I was sick for the entire vacation. What I thought was a head cold only got progressively worse as the trip went on, resulted in a doctor's appointment the day after I got back, and still hasn't gone away (though now I have antibiotics and a get out of work free pass, thanks Doc!).

The good news is as follows:
1) Though I didn't stay out as late as my night-owl self would have normally, and I only got drunk once, on the last night of the trip, I managed to pull it together and have a ton of fun. (This also eliminated any chances of making out, because I'm not that mean.)

2) Said drunk last night of the trip was partly due to TWO MEN BUYING ME A DRINK! As in, the cocktail waitress came over and said, "the gentlemen on the right want to know if you'd like anything else." I stared at her openmouthed for about ten seconds before blurting my cocktail of choice. Not to sound naive, but I'm 30 years old and this is the first time anyone's ever wanted to send me a drink. WOOHOO!

I talked to the dudes and they were two very nice non-sleazy guys from Ohio. Coincidentally, my last crush who's now a good friend also hails from the Buckeye State. You go Ohio!

3) Through my coughing and snotty haze, I texted the Russian, who wants to see me again. We're in the midst of scheduling as he most likely has to check with his wife.

4) Straight Anthony Rapp of the annoying voice wants to go out again too! Eh, what the hell? If I'm still turned off after this one, I'm done, but a second date never hurt anyone.

5) While prostrate on the couch last night, I popped in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, which I received for Christmas. Though it gets a little long toward the end, I was reminded of how much I like the overall concept. You see, even I have more than one evil ex if we're going by Ramona Flowers standards. (Mine are all boys, FYI.)

And it's funny Rock was just talking about evil exes.

Why is that funny?

Stay tuned . . .

Evil Ex #5, by Rock

So once upon a time, in between the two stories of EE#4, when I was 24-years-old, I met a very cute 20-year-old college student on Connexion. We started talking and decided to go on a date. I realized the dangers of dating a newly-out 20-year-old college student, but I decided we could just have a fun night or two and it didn't have to turn into anything.

Except that it did. I fell madly in love with him. Yes, I was concerned that he was so young and so "new," but he assured me over and over that he couldn't ever see himself needing to play the field and his sister had been with her first boyfriend for the last five years.

So I let things develop. And develop they did. I got along super well with his friends, his dog, his parents (they got a holiday card from me last year). He came home for a visit with me and got along super well with my friends and family.

He honestly was the first person (and up to this point only) person that I've ever thought I could spend the rest of my life with. It was that good. Even the guy I lived with, I think I always realized that I was young enough that it would never be forever with him. I guess that should have been a warning sign for this one.

It was all going amazingly well until he left to study abroad in Australia. He had told me he was planning to go when we met, but it was five months away, and it was never supposed to get super serious anyway. But as it drew nearer, we had to address it. I was very okay with letting him have his five months away and then starting to date again when he came back if it felt right. I didn't want to hinder his experience there at all. For the record, he was the one who wanted to make it work. We bought webcams, we got Skype accounts, I bought tickets to visit him two months in.

And for a while it worked really well. And then it didn't. I felt him getting more distant. The emails got shorter. The Skype dates were few and far between. And I was torn. I wanted him to have the experience he needed over there, but as my friends reminded me, there were two of us in the relationship, and my needs needed to be met as well.

I wrote him a message explaining the distance I had been feeling, and he wrote back that he was feeling it as well. We decided to enjoy our trip together and see if that helped.

I cannot express how awful it was waiting two weeks for the trip. Waiting the 18 hours on the plane. Waiting the cab ride over to his dorm from the airport. Even the trip itself was the most "bipolar" experience of my life. On one hand, I was out of North America for the first time of my life and exploring this amazing city and country. On the other hand, I knew I was "auditioning" to keep my relationship and pretty sure I was failing.

The day I left was the day he left for spring break. We agreed to not talk about the big elephant in the room until he got back. So there was another two weeks of awful dreadful waiting. I wrote him a note with one last plea that even if we took a break for the rest of his trip, there was something worth fighting for and I wanted to pick up where we left off when he got back.

He wrote back a very sweet note that while he loved me, I didn't fit into his life right now and he needed to end the relationship. Maybe we would start up again when he got back, but it couldn't be a definite.

And that was that. Except that it wasn't. Because I still held onto the hope that it would in fact start up again. And then when it didn't, I held onto the hope that maybe he just needed a few months at home before he'd want me back in his life. But he didn't. And I got the hint eventually.

It's the first time I've ever had a broken heart. I feel like I became a man from this experience. I literally got some wrinkles I hadn't had before. Maybe it was coincidence, but I really don't think it was.

We had lunch before I moved back and it was nice to see him without an agenda. We caught up and wished each other well, and I can honestly say there is no regrets. I wish him the best.

But fuck that hurt.

Lessons and baggage:

1- I used to think it was important if you liked the same movies. Now I realize that nothing is more important than having the same long-term and short-term goals. So maybe it's awkward to talk about, but rest assured on that first date I am going to mention the house and dog and kids in my future and that I'm not just dating for dating's sake anymore. I'd rather have one awkward date on the first date than an awkward date a month or two into dating.

2- Especially with things going so well with 2.0 (There's only one time before that the beginning of a relationship has felt this good. GUESS WHICH ONE.), I'm very cognizant of the fact that my heart could be broken again. I haven't put up a giant prison wall around my heart, but there is a small fence that you're going to have to jump over if you want in.

3- I won't say that I loved him more, but I was definitely more invested than him. I kind of didn't mind that feeling, but now I do. Jesus Christ, please don't smother me, but I want to feel special as well. I read once that the best relationship is a contest of generosity. Maybe I don't mind if I win (in fact, I probably prefer it), but I need you to compete.

4- No more college students or new gays.

Evil Ex #4, by Rock

I hate how big these are, but I'm too lazy to fix them and I can't stop now that I've started.

So remember how I lived somewhere else for 3 years? I met EE#4 right before I decided I was going to move there. We had an instant connection and really hit it off. We were looking for the same things in life and approached life pretty similarly. He called me "Daddy material." As in he would raise kids with me, not he wanted to dress me in leather.

Soon, the pressure of expiration dating became too much. He broke it off about a month before he went back to school and two months before I moved.

We would reconnect when I came back to town, and he was always my go-to "there's someone out there I could spend my life with" crush when I needed one.

In fact, one of the perks to moving back here (I thought) was that we could reconnect and see if we were right about what we thought was between us.

Then we spent a weekend together in San Francisco. We both realized how much we've changed, we actually bickered quite a bit, he admitted to being mean to me so I wouldn't try to sleep with him because he wasn't at a place where he could do that (here's a thought: just tell me it's not going to happen and trust that it won't), and it was all around a ridiculous weekend. I wish I could explain it further, but frankly it just feels like gossip. What it comes down to is I had some expectations I maybe shouldn't have had, and he was an ass about it. Half of the weekend was really fun and I love San Fran. Half of the weekend blew. We haven't talked since.

I don't know if I have any baggage, but it does illustrate a few lessons that I like to remember.

1- I don't handle subtext well. Sometimes we're just going to have to talk about feelings. If you don't like this, we're probably not going to work out. I know this lesson doesn't seem to fit in here, but it does.

2- Sometimes I'm wrong.

Evil Ex #3, by Rock

After the ridiculousness of Evil Exes #1 and 2, it's pretty silly that the issues I'm dealing with right now are mostly from EE#3.

After #2, I dated around a lot and had a lot of "two week relationships" where I'd go on a few dates with a guy before realizing that we weren't a good enough match to keep seeing each other and end it. These were mostly guys that wouldn't get past one date now, but back then someone liking me was enough for me to like them.

Then I met EE#3. EE#3 graduated from my department at my college the spring before, but I had never really known him. We had some mutual friends and got introduced at a bar one night. We ended up fooling around and making plans for a date.

We started seeing each other and though things were going well, EE#3 needed to take it SLOW. Like glacier-paced. It was months before he was okay with the boyfriend moniker.

Now that wasn't that big of a deal for me. Regardless of the label, if a relationship is meeting my needs, it's meeting my needs. What really got to me were his issues about communication.

In a need to assert his independence or something, he would often wait hours and hours before responding to my texts and calls. He owned this issue and admitted to it. I tried to explain that if ever didn't want to talk, that was fine. I didn't care. If I had a question about our plans or something, it would be nice if he could get over it and get back to me. If he was busy or something that was fine, but for him to just admit that he didn't feel like getting back to me was frustrating to say the least.

After four months, the relationship just wasn't progressing at all, and I was ready for it to evolve into something more serious. He wasn't willing to give it to me, and we parted ways, pretty amicably. I still hang out with him from time to time. He helped me shop at IKEA a few weeks ago when I moved back here in fact.

Why is he even considered an Evil Ex? Because every time I go to text or call 2.0 I worry that I'm bothering him. That he doesn't want to hear from me. Two things.

1- I realize you're going to have to take my word on this, but I am NOT a crazy stalker texter. I have dated those before. With me, we're talking an occasional "good morning, cutie" or "how was your day?" I shouldn't be worried about smothering someone with this level of communication.

2- 2.0 is always ecstatic to hear from me, or at least acts like it. He returns the affection. He talks about how I make him "smiley." He has initiated the conversation probably as much as I have.

Yet I still worry like crazy. Let's hope this relaxes.

EE#3 is also the epitome of a classic Rock trend. I tend to go for guys that I like more than they like me. I don't know if I consider myself a work in progress or if I just like a challenge. But guys who like me too much turn me off. That quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower comes to mind: "We accept the love we think we deserve." Lately I find myself deserving of a lot more though, which is good because I'm honored and amazed by how much this amazing guy seems to be into me. It's just right.

Evil Ex #2, by Rock

If only Evil Ex #2 was as hot as Chris Evans.

I met EE#2 online the January of my senior year of high school. He was a freshman at the college in a nearby town. He was gay, he was nice to me, and after EE#1, that's really all it took. We started dating. When I went to college that fall, we did long distance for a school year, and then (with my parents' disapproval but willingness to let us make our mistakes and learn from them) he moved in with me and transfered to a college near me. It lasted until the fall of my junior year, though it should have been over much sooner.

More on that in a minute.

To give EE#2 some credit, he wasn't always a bad boyfriend. He helped me get over a lot of issues, especially those caused by EE#1. Someone needed to clean up those pieces and deal with those insecurities. And he was willing.

Or was he? It came out toward the end that he was hugely resentful of some of the things I had asked of him. For example, I was uncomfortable with him drinking when I wasn't around. Now in all fairness, this is something that I shouldn't have been uncomfortable with. What he should have said was, "I can understand how you could be uncomfortable, but you should be able to trust me when I'm having a good time with my friends. I'm not going to do anything to hurt you." Instead he said, "Not a problem. I don't have to drink when you're not around." Then he built up all of this resentment against me.

By the end of the relationship, we were having fights on a regular basis, some of them turning a little physical. If we were out in public, he would want to deal with it immediately and had no problem having a fight in public. I much preferred to wait until we got home to deal with issues.

It just sucks being 20, and having the following conversation:

"Do you think we should break up?"

"We're in a lease. Let's try to make it work."

Of course it took a catalyst to actually break up. I had a crush on this guy in one of my classes. EE#2 had always said that if I had feelings for anyone else he would give me his blessing to explore them to some degree. So I filled EE#2 in and he freaked out. He tried to call my bluff (his later admission) and told me we would have to take a break if I really needed to explore those feelings. So we took a break. It turned into a break-up. A break-up that should have happened months and months if not years before.

So what is this suitcase full of?

1-For a while I was very concerned- overly concerned- that guys were telling me what I wanted to hear and building up resentment instead of actually just being okay with things. I've asked "Are you sure?" enough times to be annoying. With the help of EE#5 (foreshadowing!) and a therapist, there is now an implicit trust that we are talking about everything that you want to talk about. If you don't bring something up or lie about something, that's on you and that's your issue. I return the favor. There is a strict no-bullshit rule. If there is a discussion to be had, we have it.

2-This has to do with watching my parents fight a lot as well, but I don't fight anymore. I have discussions. I have rational discussions filled with "I" statements. I'm not saying they don't get heated sometimes, and I'm not saying I haven't slipped up once, but they don't get dirty. If you have a temper, I'm not going to be very forgiving.

3-It will be a VERY BIG DEAL the next time I live with a boyfriend. We will move into a new apartment not previously lived in by one of us. We will keep the surplus furniture in storage. We will have an "escape clause" in case one of us gets unhappy, a way to get out of the lease or something.

4-Because you see, I firmly believe that unconditional love is for parents and kids, and even then it makes me uncomfortable. Love is so much better when you earn it. I want my partner to be happy and grateful each day that I'm in his life. If he's not, then do us both a favor and move on. I don't care if it's five days into a relationship or fifty years. Let me earn your love, and do me the favor of earning mine back.

Inspired by Scott Pilgrim, a Tale of 6 "Evil" Ex-Boyfriends, Part 1, by Rock

Scott Pilgrim didn't really do it for me. It was fine. I enjoyed it on some level, but the entire thing felt like it valued being clever over entertaining. That being said, I thought the big metaphor of your new partner having to "fight" the baggage left by your exes was pretty spot-on. It got me thinking about who my "evil" exes are, and what prospective boyfriends have to battle to fully land in my comfort zone. So for the next few days, travel with me into the land of backstory and issues galore. Thank god this blog is anonymous.

For today...
Evil Ex #1. This one will be the worst. I promise.


Let me take you back to the summer before my senior year of high school. I had just figured out that I was a big homo and was starting to come to terms with it. I was doing a show at a big outdoor theater with Doris and I had just filled her in on my big discovery.


Also in the show was Evil Ex #1 (EE1). He was someone that I had always been aware of in the theater community. He was a few years older (20 if I'm remembering correctly) and one night after rehearsal he actually very sweetly said that he had developed feelings for me and if I reciprocated, he would like to go out on a date. I explained that I was still figuring things out, still in the closet, but yes that sounded like fun.


We made plans one night after a show to take a blanket out to the park and look at the stars. This was very sweet to my naive, romantic, Lloyd Dobler-loving 17-year-old self. I didn't realize that it was code for "let's fool around."


So that night I had my first kiss. Then clothes started to come off. I was a little surprised, but I was enjoying the attention and went along with it. Then underwear started coming off. Again, just kind of went along with it.


I kept going along with things. The night I kissed a boy for the first time, I also gave my first blow job, and lost my virginity. I realize I didn't say no, but the pressure was there and EE#1 definitely took advantage.


Then there was the night I did say no, and we had sex anyways.


I still continued to date him through the mind games and borderline abuse. One day he "thought he was falling in love with me." Another he was making me choose between my friend and my "boyfriend" giving me a ride home (he just wanted to fool around). He used to tell me that people were picking up on me being gay and us being a couple if he didn't want me around for a while. If we showed affection in public he'd make something up after about someone muttering about fags, just to mess with my head. He got pretty distant at one point and didn't understand why I was being clingy when it "wasn't like we were boyfriends or anything." When it "ended" I cried and I kind of hate myself for that now. It took me months and years to fully register all that had happened.


Through therapy, very nice boyfriends, and very good friends, I've made my peace with this. For the most part I'm pretty much over it. It's been over 8 years. A few issues still manifest.


1- I worry a lot about guys I date feeling pressured to fool around at first. I usually am ready to fool around first, and I worry that they feel pressure, almost to the point of anxiety.


2- If I'm not in the mood to fool around and someone tries more than twice to get me in the mood, I get more upset with them than I should. I realize where this issue is coming from and I can explain it, but I wish I could just let them try to get me in the mood. Because without this issue, they probably could. Instead it becomes more about whether or not they'll respect my wishes, even if they're coming from a good, happy, friendly place.


3- When first meeting someone, if they hit on me too overtly, I shut them down even more than most people would.


4- This is a weird one. He always used to sing. Not just to sing, but he'd sing to me. Like he was serenading me. But it was never about me, it was about him showing off. Now I get really uncomfortable when people sing "to" me. I just kind of shut it off and wait for them to stop.


So there you go. The first suitcase of baggage for 2.0 to get past.