Yes That's All There Is, by Doris

Back in November, Rock approached me about embarking on a dating odyssey and blogging about it. Little did I know this was a trick to get me to, you know, date.

And it worked. Rock, you are a coy bastard.

I'm not ending the six months with a boyfriend, or even a boy toy. But I am ending with a new freedom.

I haven't forgotten Excalibur. I still miss him sometimes. Maybe that will never fully go away.

I still don't know what will happen with Jim Berger. I'm attracted and he's fun, but he's also hot-and-cold and I'm not sure if it's worth the drama. As of now, it's still very much will-they-or-won't-they? And I'm okay with that.

I've been stood up. I've dated guys I shouldn't be dating. I've lusted after coworkers, had ex run-ins, drunk texts and awkward phone calls, and I still don't know whether finding The One will ever be a priority for me.

I've also found the freedom to openly write about my past, which had been an issue for me. And I've found my writing (both on this blog and in other outlets under my real name) has an honesty it's previously lacked.

So thank you. For reading, for commenting, for being in the dating trenches with Rock and me.

This morning on my Facebook feed, there was a quote from The L Word: "And as they say, men come and go, but your friends are forever."

With friends like Rock, I'll never be alone.

Be well, in love and in life.

Au revoir,

Doris

He Likes Jane Austen, by Doris

Still haven't called Hunter Parrish. Probably will tonight. I intended to last night, but I'm taking some much needed "me-time" and didn't want the stress that goes with calling a boy who gave you his card at a bar three days ago. Which hasn't happened to me in a looong time, I might add.

As for Jim Berger...the short but cute emails keep coming, back and forth, fast and furious. We're into a lot of the same things. He can cook and bake really well, and I want to ask him to teach me but I'm too shy to do so (and that's a lot to ask of someone). We've both gotten a little teasing and flirty the way you only can in writing.

This has been going on for over a week. I keep waiting for it to stop. It doesn't.

At this point, I know Rock will yell at me to do something about it. To call or text, as I now have his number which he freely gave to me. To just freaking ask if he wants to see a movie, grab a coffee or a drink, go to a play (yes, he likes going to the theatre. Fuck me).

I want to make it clear: Rock has a very valid point.

I just want Jim to be the one who initiates.

There are a few reasons for this: my sister and I were saying last night that maybe it makes us bad feminists, but we like it when a guy makes the first move, even if it's just platonic. There's something about feeling wanted, whether it's by a friend or a potential makeout buddy.

Also, there's the elephant in the room known as his ex-girlfriend who's also my friend.

Again, even if it turns out to be platonic, I don't want it to look like I was biding my time until the breakup so I could pursue him. That's not true at all, but let's face it: in awkward relationship situations, whether it's straight-up cheating or more of a gray area, the woman gets blamed. Hell, I've blamed the woman several times before, in situations with friends and in my own life--I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

It's frustrating. I feel like we're now going back and forth, like "your move." "No, YOUR move." I wish I could make it clear that I will say yes, I won't turn him down, and I will take his cues. If he wants to be friends, that's totally cool (and it really is, I've crushed on all my straight guy friends at some point and it always, always passes once we spend some time together). If he wants to go for more...well, I won't stop him.

And I almost know that if I called, or texted, or even asked to hang out, he'd be very receptive. That said, if he asks me, calls me, texts me, I'll know he's not humoring me. Does that make sense?

I haven't said this until now, but the other day I remembered how I initially felt about Excalibur, in those halcyon days when I was pretty sure he liked me but didn't know 100%. I remember thinking he was really funny and cool and we had things in common, and if he wasn't into me like that, I'd be completely fine being his friend. I just wanted him in my world.

It's been almost 15 years, but now I feel that way about Jim Berger.

I just want him in my world.

Cue toughlove comment from Rock in 3, 2...

Keeping You Up to Speed, by Rock

So later that day, Noah Wyle called me. He said that he should have brought this up before we slept together, but he has a rule that if he is sexually active with someone, they are sexually exclusive. He stressed that it was for health reasons, it wasn't a jealous thing, I could go on as many other dates as I wanted, it was too early to be exclusive, but his rule was sex was just with him.

I took a second to digest and said that I supposed that was fair, though yes it was too early to be exclusive and yes we should have talked about it before we had sex. I wasn't willing to say that sex wouldn't happen, even though I wasn't necessarily looking for it to happen. But if it did happen, then I would tell him about it and he could make a decision. He said that was valid and fair.

The whole thing strikes me as incredibly sophomoric. Before we had sex he did ask if he had anything to worry about but he didn't ask if I had had sex within the last week (I had). If sex is such a big deal, then he shouldn't have given it up on the second date. But if that makes him feel safer, that's his prerogative and I can either play along or not. For now, he's intriguing enough that I'll play along.

He and his friends were out the next night celebrating the end of the med school semester. My friend and I met them out for a few drinks and to dance. They were all wasted, but he was a cute wasted. He kept telling my friend how much he liked me and how cute I was.

The next day I hosted a tv night and invited him and his friend. They were super late because they ended up waiting 50 minutes for a bus. They weren't feeling it after such a ridiculous commute. My other friends (including Doris!) were about to go home, but it was fine and low-key, if not the fun, hilarious party night I had kind of expected.

Last night I went out with some coworkers and ended up making out with an ex-coworker. We were about to head home together before I realized that maybe I would go on a date with this guy, but I didn't really want to go home with him. I just wanted to sleep. So I said good bye and left mysteriously. The make-out made me feel better about Noah Wyle's silly little rule though. Because it is ridiculously early to start talking exclusivity in any matter.

Real date with Noah Wyle on Monday. Stay tuned.

Maybe Let's Stop Whining, by Doris

Sorry for the Katherine Heigl-esque post yesterday, everyone.

Anyway, I just messaged The Hair and said yes to a second date. I've also been messaging back and forth with a really nice guy who, like me, loves to eat wings.

Also, for the first time ever, I messaged ALL THREE of my Quiver matches (where you're matched up by the OKCupid-bot or whatever). Including the one who's all "I'm way too good for this self-masturbatory online crap." And yes, I refrained from asking, "then why are you on OKCupid?"

Life ain't so bad.

Two-Date Week, by Doris

So my date with Winkie, which was supposed to be Friday night, got postponed to next Saturday because he got stuck in a meeting. Because it was a long-ass week and I'm just that lame, I was in bed by ten on Friday, so it all worked out.

I'm looking at this as a practice date a la Rivers-a-like. Because I got sidetracked by the Russian, I haven't been out with a guy in a while. Time to jump back in.

Also, yes, I am meeting Midnight Cowboy on Thursday. I have a work event that's going to run late anyway, and it always takes me a while to come down from those. The deal is, we have to meet at a bar near my house. I am going to text Rock the guy's phone number just in case. I have pepper spray and I'm not afraid to use it.

In the comments section of my last post, Rock got to talking about one-night stands. I don't have a problem with one-night stands. Who knows, either or both of these guys could turn into that. However, I don't think I'm at that point yet. If I were, I'd drag my friends out to a bar. I don't think I'd mind casual sex, but as more of an ongoing thing. And yes, I'm aware that some one-night stands do turn into more. But I have mixed feelings.

And as I said in my response, I don't have an issue with booty calls or one-night stands. But maybe let's be more upfront about it and not call it a "date."

If this doesn't make sense to you, don't worry. It doesn't make sense to me either.

I Know It's Over, by Doris

So Rock and I are getting back in the saddle on the ol' OKC.

To bring you up to speed, the Russian was supposed to contact me this week about hanging out again. Well, it's Thursday and I haven't heard word one. I got a feeling on Monday that it wasn't going to happen, but Rock said to give him until Friday before I truly gave up.

Not going to be necessary.

Here's what went down: just a little while ago, I logged back onto OKCupid for the first time in over a month. (I know, I know, I said I was going to keep looking while involved with the Russian, but then vacation happened. Then sick happened. Then busy week at work, third date with Russian, and awkward second date with Straight Anthony Rapp happened. Before I knew it, January and half of February got away from me.)

I was checking through my messages when I saw it:

Sorry, [Russian's username] no longer has an account.

Huh.

When I got the feeling it was over, I didn't get a feeling as to why. I wasn't sure if he'd met someone else or what. And I don't know how OKCupid works--maybe if someone blocks you it says they no longer have an account. Anyone know?

But something makes me think his wife put the kibosh on the whole open marriage thing.

Don't get me wrong--this is not me blaming some woman I don't even know for ruining my relationship. Not at all. He's her husband, a fact I was aware of from the beginning. She has every right to stop something she's not entirely comfortable with. And to be honest, after the first and second date, I halfway expected never to hear from the Russian again. I figured with a married man, it could end at any time.

That said, I do wish he would have contacted me personally. After a first or second date, with anyone, if you're not feeling it I'd rather you just let me figure it out. Otherwise it's just too awkward.

But in this case, after three dates, a helluva hickey, and having him over to my apartment, a text saying he couldn't see me anymore would have been nice.

At any rate, I clicked around, shook my head at some, messaged others.

Time to move on.

Leaving on a Jet Plane, by Rock

So it should come to no surprise to anyone reading this that I am a narcissist.

Not so much in the "god, I'm beautiful" way (okay, a little), but more in the "it's all about me" way.

And a lot of times, when someone is in a bad mood, I assume I have something to do with it.

I have to realize I'm not that important all of the time.

2.0 had the week of all weeks at work. Issues with a crazy coworker, getting ready for this big conference, it was rough for him. So he was more than a little distant the few times we got to talk. Since we had an at-odds weekend last weekend, I thought it had something to do with me. Either way, between last weekend and the distance during the week, I was really going to use the trip this weekend to evaluate the relationship.

To the point that I almost didn't want to see him last night, like we had had planned for over a week (RHOBH reunion, yo!). I thought that one more "off" night before the trip would be a bad idea.

Luckily, he had already started to relax. Like with a child, I rewarded the positive behavior: "You seem so much more relaxed tonight! I was worried about you the past few days."

As we were falling asleep, I told him (as we often do to each other), "I like you, mister."

He responded, "Haha. I don't know why."

"You told me how January was going to be. I totally get it. But yes, I am looking forward to February."

"Me too."

His busy month came at a really bad time relationship-wise. If it was the first month of dating, we probably would have only seen each other once a week and it would have been fine and normal. A few more months in, and we would have had a more solid foundation. The second month, at least where we were, seemed to be a lot about setting routine, and I'm not going to lie, I got a little scared. There are so many ways that we're a good match, however, that it was worth putting in the time to see how February will go. Judging by last night, it should be great.

I came home to pack and such, then I'll head back to his place with a bottle of champagne in hand (complete with subtextual message of "Your craziness is over for a few days, let's just have fun.") and suitcase rolling behind me. Can't wait!

By the way, everyone ask Doris if she burned her neck with a curling iron. I have no idea why she hasn't posted about that yet!

Annoying Pun with Alcohol Reference, by Rock

Saturday night I am at work and I get a text asking when I will be done: 2.0 and some friends are heading out and he would like me to join him. I tell him I should be done in about an hour. He says his phone is about to die, but I should meet him out. I tell him to give me his friend's number or text me from his friend's phone so I can find him when I get there. He says he will do that, tells me his friend's area code...

... and then I don't hear from him again.

I text him when I get delayed about fifteen minutes, no answer. I text him when I am leaving, no answer. I assume his phone has completely died by now. I don't know why he didn't text me from his friend's phone; not sure if he remembered my number incorrectly or his phone died before he could look at my number or what.

And now I have a dilemma. The bar I'm supposed to meet them at is big. Tons of rooms. There will be tons of guys there. It will be hard to find him. I don't know if he's even still there.

But I don't want him hanging out there waiting for me thinking I just ditched. So I go to this bar, I check my bags and coat, and I do three laps looking for him.

I don't see him. So I leave. I text him that I never heard from him, did three laps anyway and didn't see him. I told him I hoped he was having fun and to get home safely.

When I'm almost home (I live within walking distance of the bar), I get a text that he is at the front bar, then almost immediately "are you still awake?" and "I'll come sleep over." I text that I am almost home, he is welcome to and that I'll see him soon.

When he walks in the door, I express my frustration that I couldn't find me and all he had to do was actually text me from his friend's phone like he said he was going to. I got a small apology and an "I was drunk" as an explanation along with "I must have just forgot." It was not the heartfelt apology that I was looking for. So while I had been using I-statements and keeping my cool, I may have turned on a little bit of the Catholic mom and guilt at this point. I eventually got what sounded like a sincere apology, but I was still upset with the evening as we fell asleep.

The next morning as we started to wake up, I woke up still feeling upset. This is not a like-me trait. So I owned that I was still for some reason a little upset about the night before. He responded, "Oh I know. Just letting you get over it."

Not helpful. I've noticed that when he is in a funk, whether I've caused it or not, he wants to be left alone and get over it. I want a hug and normal conversation and engagement. I think he thought he was giving me what I needed, but it wasn't. And I didn't know how to ask for it.

So I was still upset with the night before and how it was handled. He was upset that I was still upset (I'm imagining, this wasn't explicitly covered). Neither of us were willing to leave it like this and just part ways, so we did what any other gays would do on a Sunday morning.

We brunched.

And it was awkward.

Then we awkwardly watched television and awkwardly tried to nap. Then we went to his place and played some video games. Maybe it was the change in location, but we started to feel like our old selves. And he tried to lend me a book, so it's not like he's thinking of ending it soon.

When I left his apartment, I almost immediately called him and worded my words very carefully.

"I wanted to apologize that I held on to my frustration with last night longer than I needed to. You apologized, it couldn't be fixed, and I should have moved on sooner."

To which he replied, "I really appreciate that."

I started to justify my actions a bit, but I remembered that justifying after the apology negates the apology. So I just cut myself off and said, "It shouldn't have continued through this morning. I wish it didn't."

And he said, "Like I said, I really appreciate that. We can definitely move on from here."

So there you have it. Our first "fight." Here's the thing though. I still take it as a big warning sign. Not so much his mistake. I don't think it's a mistake I would have made drunk, but everyone reacts differently. His flippant apology is what really bothered me, and I wish I explained that more.

I'm also still not sold on the big discussion earlier in the day. I feel like I have a much better view of his baggage, and that suitcase is a lot bigger than I thought it was. Still not sure if it's something I can carry-on, or if he'll have to check it (and if he's willing to do that).

But if I can be comfortable in this grey area, I feel like we do have a better grasp of who we are and what we can give each other, and I don't think he would disagree that we are both in a deep evaluation/wait-and-see phase right now. We won't see each other much this week, if at all, and then we leave on Friday for our trip. Our trip will be a big indicator. Then we won't see each other for another week at least because he's staying where we're going for work then going on another trip.

Waiting to evaluate a relationship until after a trip, after which he's leaving for another trip.

Deja

vu.

I've felt for a while that he's been evaluating me and it's made me self-conscious. Now that I've gotten over my optimistic, over-excited ass and realized that I still don't know him completely (should be a duh, but I needed reminded), I'm much more comfortable in the grey area and getting to know him. We both made a few mistakes this past weekend, and we'll look back at this weekend either as the start of a deeper, more substantial relationship or the beginning of the end. We shall see. I'll be fine either way. Honestly.

What do you think? Did I go overboard with the bar issue? Should I have pressed on for a bigger apology? Would you be cutting your losses or still pushing through? Isn't Adele's 21 the most amazing thing you've ever heard?

What's in a word?, by Rock

This morning we were lying in bed, when I conversationally mentioned that my mom was trying really hard to find a way to meet him but I told her it wouldn't work when she was trying. He laughed and said that he wasn't ready to meet parents anyway. I told him that I had a different relationship with my parents than he did, and it wasn't really a big deal.

But then I kind of bristled. I brought up the comment he made. I brought up the fact that Facebook said he was single (though apparently he changed that a few days ago and I didn't notice). I brought up that he avoided the word "boyfriend" like the plague at all times. I said that I felt he thought we were moving too quickly.

He admitted that yes, he was worried, and yes, the "boyfriend" word came too quickly, that he still wasn't ready for it. I called him out on me giving him quite a few chances to get out of that (yes, that conversation happened drunk, but the next morning I gave him an out and I also brought up a few days later that I thought he wasn't okay with it). We got on the same page eventually. I'm not moving as quickly as he thought I was. He's moving as slowly as I thought he was and not as quickly as he said he was. He admitted his faults in the matter. I admitted my insecurities in the matter. We acknowledged that it had been a stressful week for him with work and I got to deal with that. We acknowledged that we both have different expectations, but in the end want the same thing.

It was horribly stressful. It was all calm and a discussion, but it was a lot. We agreed we were both very happy with where we were in the moment. We fooled around (finally), went for breakfast, went shopping, and had a few drinks before I went to work. By the end of the day, everything was good again. We agreed it actually felt better since we were on the same page.

Hopefully now, we can finally move forward and see what happens.

Pajama Pants and Television, by Rock

On Tuesday he came over, I cooked dinner, we watched a movie, we fell asleep.

Oh Thursday I helped him run an errand, we picked up a frozen pizza and went back to his place, we watched TV, and fell asleep.

He told me January was going to be bad. He apologized over and over for how busy and tired he was going to be.

I'm trying to realize it means a lot that he even wants to share his necessary, quiet "alone" time. And by trying, I mean I do. And I do like quiet nights at home cooking dinner and relaxing. I just also like the occasional adventure and miss that excitement of a "date" instead of just "hanging out." And I like having sex.

The good thing is, I know we are on the same page. He warned me that January would be rough and he's continued the apologies. He keeps talking about how excited he is for the month to be over and our trip at the end of the month.

I asked him to help me go suit shopping on Saturday. He suggested I just spend the night tonight after work. I said that would be great, we could sleep in and then head over to the store. He added, "And have sexy times. It's been too long."

I just laughed and said, "Yup. I mean, I understand and get it and it's fine, but yup." And we laughed together and cuddled closer and fell asleep.

I Chillaxed, by Rock

A shot of vodka and a hit of weed and I feel much better.

He likes me, I like him. We're still figuring each other out. I have to be okay with that "grey area."

These are still issues that will need to be dealt with, but I'm ready for tonight.

Real Thing vs. Best Thing

After a delightful date on Tuesday (he made me pizza with homemade dough and my favorite toppings, then we listened to music and played Scrabble), I haven't gotten a chance to talk to 2.0 other than texts and emails since. I miss the sound of the voice. I need it. I can hear that everything is okay and wonderful in the subtext and I don't get insecure. But I'm in a little bit of a mood right now, and as is on his way (we're supposed to get naked and get down (sorry for the TMI), then go to dinner and a concert at a coffee shop. It sounds perfect, but whether it's my insecurities, my fear that he's illogically decided things are working out in the past 48 hours, or just that I'm tired, I'm not in the mood, I'm not ready for him to come over.

And I'm so damn self-aware that I can't just be in a bad mood when he gets here. I don't want to be unattractive, so I'll put on a show. But what's more unattractive, insincerity or a little bit of grumpiness?

I want to be cheered up, but I don't want to know that I want to be cheered up.

Part of the issue is the planned sex (see, I brought it up for a reason). I like it to happen naturally. If I'm not in the mood, I'm not going to want to go there. I want him to get me there, but first I have to cheer up and wake up.

I'm really afraid I'm going to fuck this all up. I know what kind of person I want to be, I'm good at presenting that person at the beginning of a new relationship, and then the cracks begin to show.

God forbid someone love me despite these flaws. I don't know if that's something I'm interested in. I want someone to expect as much from me as I expect from myself.

I'm kind of just waiting for him to tell me he's not into me anymore. And I'm realizing how many issues I have from EE#5 that I haven't really had to deal with before (I wasn't that invested in EE#6). And I'm realizing that these issues could be the catalyst to the end so I should just get over it.

The funny thing is, I'm not 100% sold on him yet. He's shown a few cracks as well. Just a few. But I'm a lot more forgiving of him than I am of myself.

Kiss On My List, by Doris

I am about to jump out of my skin.

Why hasn't the Russian tried anything yet????

We went out again Monday night. Vietnamese food, lovely local place not far from our first date. I was late due to GoogleMaps' NOT taking into account that a certain bus en route would put me in a shitty neighborhood. (Apparently there's not an app for that.) When I texted him, he said he'd order us an appetizer and asked if I had any food restrictions/preferences. (See, Rivers-a-like? THAT'S how you do it!)

Once I arrived, the back-and-forth began.

I may have alluded to this in my last Russian-related post: the guy is kinda pretentious. I mean, who says, "I've led a pretty interesting life" with no irony whatsoever? Also, he's a huge tea snob. I find this kind of hilarious.

But here's what I'm discovering, or maybe just putting into words what I knew all along:

I like arrogant guys.

First, the word "arrogant" has been used to describe me more than once. (I'd argue that a confident woman is more likely to have a negative word pinned on her than a confident man, but that's a whole 'nother post and Rock is totally rolling his eyes as he reads this.) Therefore, it's one more thing we have in common!

Second, there ARE arrogant dumb guys in the world. However, many of the arrogant dudes I've interfaced with have at least a modicum of intelligence and life experience. And really, I have no patience for dumb guys, no matter how cute (Ryan Gosling in Blue Valentine, I'm looking at you). I'd rather date someone who errs on the side of smart, because at least then we can have a conversation.

Finally, I like arrogant guys because I love, love, LOVE taking them down a peg.

Which I did with the Russian. Many times. Hey, it's a fun time for me and a test all rolled into one smart-assed package. If a man doesn't like to be challenged, that's a deal-breaker, ladies.

Fortunately for him, the Russian kept up. In fact, I was just about to give up on him (well, maybe, he IS awfully cute), when the conversation came around to Joel McHale.

"Do you know him?" I asked the Russian.

And the Russian turned to me and uttered in the most serious voice I've ever heard out of him:

"Community is my favorite show ever."

Sold.

Granted, there's more to my attraction than a mutual love for one of the best TV shows of all time. (Not to mention, as we discovered, a mutual love for Italian mob movies.) The conversation's awesome. I'm attracted as hell. And there's no way this can go long-term. Check, check and check.

Which is why I was really disappointed when all I got was a hug.

As Rock told me later when we met up for drinks, it's possible the Russian just goes really slowly. Also, we haven't been alone yet, and I've never EVER been one for PDA's. Even hand-holding. ESPECIALLY hand-holding. For some reason it's just always bugged me.

And the Russian wants to see me again. I'm going out of town for several days, so the onus is on me to contact him when I return, but . . . yeah. He wants to see me again.

It doesn't help that I'm a 30-year-old woman and therefore operating on hot-to-trot mode at all times.

Rock says next time I can have him over to my place. When it comes to dates, three is often the magic number. Right?

I mean, even a makeout or an errant tongue would be nice at this point.

Monthiversary, by Rock

Forgive me, Doris, and the three others that read our blog. I haven't really needed to update for a while because life happened the way it happens and I didn't get to see 2.0 for 4 whole days. He had a cold, I have a job with weird hours, it had been a bit. We joked about how we had both had a feeling of "this is way too long!" before realizing that we were being about as stupid as you could get. We both gave each other the official press release of "Life happens, I will see you when I see you, and you don't have to worry about me getting needy." Which was good. Absence makes the heart grown fonder, right?

I had suggested that we see a revival of a play that I love so so so much that was getting rave reviews (how I would love to bring up the play, because it would be interesting to talk about, but I don't want to give away our city). He had never seen it, wasn't familiar with it at all, so I told him to refrain from googling it, bought tickets, and we met up on Thursday night.

I was a bit worried at first, he wouldn't quite make eye contact and it just felt distant, until he admitted that work had been super busy and he was not letting go as easily as he would have liked. By the first intermission, everything was back to business as usual. In fact, there was an extra little spark there since we hadn't seen each other every other day like we had been doing.

When we got back to my place, I called him out on the fact that we had both had taken a step back and really evaluated things, even at the expense of intimacy, after we had the DTR (define the relationship talk) and had sex for the first time. He agreed. We talked about how it was necessary for both of us, and we were glad we both passed.

I had a little present for him. He loves Oprah (Every gay man has their cliche. For example, I like musicals. He likes Oprah and female vocalists.), and I had stumbled across an Oprah pen. Also, he had never tried coconut M&Ms, which is unacceptable so I bought him a pack.

Then I made him a mix CD. It was a somewhat romantic mix CD. I realized the possible freak-out potential and I did it anyway. It was like word vomit, except much more calculated as I actually sat down and made him a CD and loaded it with romantic songs.

The second he pulled out the CD (which I had titled "If We Are Acting Like 14-Year-Olds, I Have to Make You a Mix"), I issued the disclaimer that it was a romantic mix, but clearly we weren't at the level that most of these people were singing about. If he could not read into it and get freaked out, that would be great.

The next morning I made him coffee and sent him off to work. We were texting each other about Beverly Hills Housewives and how he was going to listen to the CD and write with his Oprah pen all day.

The CD started off (naturally) with Jenna from 30 Rock singing "Muffin Top." He sent a text that he loved the CD already from the first song.

And then I didn't hear about it again. Three possible occurances (That's a word, right? Spell check is telling me otherwise.):

1- He read into it.

2- We don't necessarily see eye-to-eye on music.

3- He got really busy at work.

Old Rock would have had an anxiety attack. New Rock relaxed and resisted looking crazy.

He worked all day, I worked all night, but the plan was for me to go over to his place and climb into bed with him after work, so we could wake up together and stupidly celebrate our "monthiversary."

(Tangent: You can't celebrate a 1 month anniversary or a 6 month anniversary. Anni- means year.)

When I had brought up spending the day together, I acknowledged the silliness of it, but the fact of the matter was, most guys didn't make it that far with me. He said that most guys didn't make it that far with him either, which I knew, but I thought it would be presumptuous to point it out.

So I did indeed climb into bed with him, we did indeed wake up in the morning to watch Beverly Hills Housewives (see above conversation about cliches), drink coffee, have sex, go get brunch and Bloody Marys (see above conversation about cliches), watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, play Mario for the Wii, and play cards.

I asked if he liked the mix CD, he said he did, but didn't offer anything more. But as we listened to his iTunes on shuffle later, I realized that while we both don't necessarily mind the same kinds of music, our favorites don't necessarily line up. For example, next month we are seeing a Josh Ritter concert (my treat) and a Robyn concert (his). We are both good sports, we'll both have a good time, but yeah. So I made the dorky mix, and the gesture was appreciated even if the music wasn't. I'm okay with that.

It was awesome. He was even more snuggly and romantic than usual.

I left for work, he started to get ready to have dinner with a friend, and I eventually got a text that he and his friend were waiting for me at a bar near my place. I told him that I wouldn't be leaving work for at least another hour, but I'd try (it was already late). An hour turned into two and they left. I felt a little badly at first, but it was his call to try and wait, not mine. I could sympathize without blaming myself. He suggested I come over and spend the night again, but in all honesty, I was tired and just wanted my own bed and needed to be productive this morning. Which was all good.

This lack of drama has to be ridiculously boring! I'm sorry! Stay tuned: we have to fight eventually, right?

Second Chance/First Impression: A Date, by Doris

Am I too picky?

Three dates into this little six-month experiment and I'm already asking this question. After all, my first impressions of others haven't always been favorable. I remember seeing Excalibur walking into play practice late and thinking he was a slacker. Rock first struck me as a dork who liked Survivor. The night I met my roommate Stan, who's become one of my closest friends, I'd just received some fairly devastating news, so I was very distracted and I can't even tell you what I thought.

Thankfully, I gave all of the above dudes a second chance and got some great relationships out of it.

And I'm wondering if I should extend the same courtesy to last night's date, Straight Anthony Rapp.

Like the Russian, I first connected with SAR about a month ago. I liked his profile on OKC and his pictures made him look like, well, a straighter version of Anthony Rapp, who I've always found really adorable. We started sending long emails and clicked right away on so many things: food, movies, growing up in roughly the same geographic area. We didn't meet before now for various reasons: not just the standard holiday busy-ness, but the fact that he is in grad school and had finals.

Finally, we found a night that worked for both of us and decided to go out for tea. (Fun fact: two of the three OKC guys I have dated are all into tea. Not sure what that says about them, me, or OKC. But whatever. I like tea too.)

Now, it's important to note that SAR gave me his phone number about a week ago. Though I texted him--and he texted back in complete sentences, earning him MANY points--I never actually called, for a couple reasons. One, this was a busy week for me and I didn't want to call too late, because with a new person you don't really know their schedule.

And two, I don't really like to talk on the phone. I call my parents once a week, as has been our tradition since I started college. When Rock moved away for three years, we talked practically every day. But in both these cases, I have established relationships and am using the phone to keep in touch. My friends in the city, people I don't know so well, I'm more of a Facebook/email/texting kinda gal.

So when I got a call from SAR, saying he'd arrived a few minutes early at our designated meeting point, is where my issues began.

You see, he has a weird voice.

I have a thing about accents. Like any red-blooded American girl, I really dig many accents and think they're sexy. However, certain accents turn me off. There's a reason: a certain authority figure in my life had a really heavy accent from a certain region. Anything that remotely sounds like this individual automatically stresses me out. It's like Pavlov's dog minus the drooling and plus high blood pressure and hives.

Does this make me racist? I hope not.

SAR's voice...I can't quite place it. He's lived abroad extensively, so I think it might be a muddle of different Euro dialects. He's also in grad school, and sorry to generalize, but sometimes grad students talk differently. They're so in their heads that their verbalization isn't like the average bear's. (And keep in mind, I have been a grad student, so I know of which I speak.)

Having been a performer, and having spent part of my childhood around radio people, I have a thing about voices. My last crush--who became a good pal--has a lovely basso profundo. When I was a temp and answering phones at a lush downtown corporate office, I was offered a job on the spot with another lush downtown corporate office, on the sole basis of my "Company X, how may I help you?" I'm not kidding.

So I'm not sure I can get past the voice.

And part of me wants to. SAR is adorable. He's traveled a lot but isn't pretentious about it (o hai, Russian). He's a city boy but "was raised to be a mountain man," meaning he can do carpentry and paint. He's in grad school, and I admire anyone who chooses to further their education.

And he can cook! I've always wanted to date someone who can cook.

One of the things I'm really liking about OKCupid, and online dating in general I guess, is that it practically guarantees good conversation, because you already know what your date is into. Even when I'm not feeling much chemistry, we can chat about movies, bands, books, et cetera. And I love to talk.

This date was no exception. The only thing that flowed better than our words was the green tea through my very small bladder.

Oh, and soon after we parted ways, I received a very nice text from SAR.

So do I give him another chance or not?

Here's the solution I've come to: if he asks me out again, I'm down. If not, I'm not pursuing it.

Am I doing the right thing here? Should I give him a second chance to make a first impression?

Or am I being too picky?

Sooner or Later It Comes Down to Fate, by Doris

So I have a date on Thursday.

Rivers-a-like of the suburban address and the occasional affinity for top 40 music (which we initially bonded over, I HATE the hipsters that blindly denigrate good pop songs, ditto for hipsters that declare Saturday Night Live hasn't been funny since the Carvey years) is going to be in my neighborhood to see a concert. As I wanted to have some sort of date before the year ended - and I'm not touching New Year's Eve with a ten-foot pole, WORST time for a first date ever - we have decided to have drinks before the show.

I think this is good for several reasons. Rock usually advises against drinks on the first date (a rule that he admittedly has broken many times), but in my case there's a timeline. Only so much alcohol you can pound in an hour/90 minutes or so. Plus, we're going to a really lovely cafe/bar type place, aaaaand I have a cool new outfit which includes a gorgeous lace skirt I got on the Target clearance rack for $8.50!

So even if the date sucks, I will look very pretty.

It's funny, I think my family (while home at Christmas, I tried to just tell my sister, but my mom overheard) and friends (my two closest work pals, who helped me pick out the cafe/bar) are more excited about this than I am. Quite frankly, my expectations aren't that high.

As I've said before, I'm not terribly keen to date someone who doesn't live in the city. Should this work out, I'm keeping my OKCupid profile and pursuing other dudes. Rock and 2.0 are emotionally involved now, and good for them. I'm interested to see this relationship unfold, and I really hope it works out as I like 2.0.

However, I was emotionally involved with Excalibur for fourteen years, up until just a couple of months ago. My family still hates him--I can tell by the way they very deliberately did NOT say his name this weekend. I don't hate Excalibur. He didn't do anything wrong.

But I don't want to jump into another big thing right away. My heart needs a little rest. My mind needs a little fun.

And my body could use a little something else. Don't know if we'll get to that on Thursday. After all, Rivers-a-like has a concert to go to.

Disabled, not Deleted, by Rock

Happy Holidays to the six of you that read this!

2.0 and I both went to our respective families for the holiday, but we talked on the phone and texted. We both got back on Sunday, and when I didn't have to go to work, he invited me out to have a few drinks with him and his oldest friend.

I was a little nervous about winning over this straight, opinionated guy that I had heard so many stories about, but we all seemed to have a good time. 2.0 and I are sliding into that couple role very nicely. When his friend was in the bathroom, we remarked to each other that every time we see each other it just feels better and better, when according to the time before seemed impossible (sorry for your gag reflexes).

Which brings me to the heart of this post. I just got on Connexion and marked myself as "Exclusively Dating." I just got on OKCupid and disabled my account. It will still be there in all its glory should I choose to sign in again, but I was tired of getting messages from guys, especially the guys that I would maybe be interested in if I was single, and feeling no desire to write them back. I'm investing myself for the time being in this. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but this is where I am now and it's unfair to anyone looking at my profile to think otherwise.

Of course, the time I log in to disable the account, 2.0 finally pops up as a suggested match.

Speaking of, I really don't care if he disables his account or not. I won't be checking in on him. I don't think I'm ready for the "boyfriend" talk. This is just where I'm at now. This one is about me.

The Final Evil Ex and MORE, by Rock

(I know this is #6, but Scott Pilgrim has 5 & 6 on the same poster. NOTHING I CAN DO. )

So MONTHS after EE#5, I met a guy at a party and we seemed to click and yada yada yada we started seeing each other. It was pretty low stakes for me. He was applying to med schools and I was already thinking about moving. And this was fine. He honestly wasn't anyone I saw any long-term potential in, but I figured that as long as we were on the same page, we could have some fun.

This was also my attempt at applying all of the changes I wanted in my relationship style after having my heart broken. I was to be more confident, less emotionally-attached at the beginning, and know and convey what I wanted from the relationship.

And all in all, everything went really well. It was a very fun summer. And he said he was on the same page about just enjoying ourselves before we went our separate ways.

Except he wasn't playing by the same rules as me. It was very clear that he was falling in LOVE. Talk about how maybe he would be accepted to a med school in the city I was moving to started sneaking into the conversation. He was getting a little more clingy...

SHUT IT DOWN.

As the song goes, sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind. Despite his pleading to keep dating until I moved, I played the "I've found myself already emotionally detaching from you and this city" card (that's a card?) and after a tearful night on his part and feeling like an ass on my part, it was over.

Actually, I'm pretty pleased with how I handled this relationship and there's really not a lot of baggage. If anything, it reiterates a lesson learned from EE#2: It's not my job to play detective. I should be able to take what you say at face value. If you're lying about how you feel, that's on you, not me.

So while there's not really any baggage, there also weren't really any stakes.

And I've started to realize this morning that there are stakes right now. For the first time since EE#5, I could have my heartbroken again. Despite trying to take it slow, feelings are clearing developing, and I am going to have to trust this (albeit seemingly wonderful) man to not hurt me.

That's really scary.

Evil Ex #5, by Rock

So once upon a time, in between the two stories of EE#4, when I was 24-years-old, I met a very cute 20-year-old college student on Connexion. We started talking and decided to go on a date. I realized the dangers of dating a newly-out 20-year-old college student, but I decided we could just have a fun night or two and it didn't have to turn into anything.

Except that it did. I fell madly in love with him. Yes, I was concerned that he was so young and so "new," but he assured me over and over that he couldn't ever see himself needing to play the field and his sister had been with her first boyfriend for the last five years.

So I let things develop. And develop they did. I got along super well with his friends, his dog, his parents (they got a holiday card from me last year). He came home for a visit with me and got along super well with my friends and family.

He honestly was the first person (and up to this point only) person that I've ever thought I could spend the rest of my life with. It was that good. Even the guy I lived with, I think I always realized that I was young enough that it would never be forever with him. I guess that should have been a warning sign for this one.

It was all going amazingly well until he left to study abroad in Australia. He had told me he was planning to go when we met, but it was five months away, and it was never supposed to get super serious anyway. But as it drew nearer, we had to address it. I was very okay with letting him have his five months away and then starting to date again when he came back if it felt right. I didn't want to hinder his experience there at all. For the record, he was the one who wanted to make it work. We bought webcams, we got Skype accounts, I bought tickets to visit him two months in.

And for a while it worked really well. And then it didn't. I felt him getting more distant. The emails got shorter. The Skype dates were few and far between. And I was torn. I wanted him to have the experience he needed over there, but as my friends reminded me, there were two of us in the relationship, and my needs needed to be met as well.

I wrote him a message explaining the distance I had been feeling, and he wrote back that he was feeling it as well. We decided to enjoy our trip together and see if that helped.

I cannot express how awful it was waiting two weeks for the trip. Waiting the 18 hours on the plane. Waiting the cab ride over to his dorm from the airport. Even the trip itself was the most "bipolar" experience of my life. On one hand, I was out of North America for the first time of my life and exploring this amazing city and country. On the other hand, I knew I was "auditioning" to keep my relationship and pretty sure I was failing.

The day I left was the day he left for spring break. We agreed to not talk about the big elephant in the room until he got back. So there was another two weeks of awful dreadful waiting. I wrote him a note with one last plea that even if we took a break for the rest of his trip, there was something worth fighting for and I wanted to pick up where we left off when he got back.

He wrote back a very sweet note that while he loved me, I didn't fit into his life right now and he needed to end the relationship. Maybe we would start up again when he got back, but it couldn't be a definite.

And that was that. Except that it wasn't. Because I still held onto the hope that it would in fact start up again. And then when it didn't, I held onto the hope that maybe he just needed a few months at home before he'd want me back in his life. But he didn't. And I got the hint eventually.

It's the first time I've ever had a broken heart. I feel like I became a man from this experience. I literally got some wrinkles I hadn't had before. Maybe it was coincidence, but I really don't think it was.

We had lunch before I moved back and it was nice to see him without an agenda. We caught up and wished each other well, and I can honestly say there is no regrets. I wish him the best.

But fuck that hurt.

Lessons and baggage:

1- I used to think it was important if you liked the same movies. Now I realize that nothing is more important than having the same long-term and short-term goals. So maybe it's awkward to talk about, but rest assured on that first date I am going to mention the house and dog and kids in my future and that I'm not just dating for dating's sake anymore. I'd rather have one awkward date on the first date than an awkward date a month or two into dating.

2- Especially with things going so well with 2.0 (There's only one time before that the beginning of a relationship has felt this good. GUESS WHICH ONE.), I'm very cognizant of the fact that my heart could be broken again. I haven't put up a giant prison wall around my heart, but there is a small fence that you're going to have to jump over if you want in.

3- I won't say that I loved him more, but I was definitely more invested than him. I kind of didn't mind that feeling, but now I do. Jesus Christ, please don't smother me, but I want to feel special as well. I read once that the best relationship is a contest of generosity. Maybe I don't mind if I win (in fact, I probably prefer it), but I need you to compete.

4- No more college students or new gays.

Evil Ex #4, by Rock

I hate how big these are, but I'm too lazy to fix them and I can't stop now that I've started.

So remember how I lived somewhere else for 3 years? I met EE#4 right before I decided I was going to move there. We had an instant connection and really hit it off. We were looking for the same things in life and approached life pretty similarly. He called me "Daddy material." As in he would raise kids with me, not he wanted to dress me in leather.

Soon, the pressure of expiration dating became too much. He broke it off about a month before he went back to school and two months before I moved.

We would reconnect when I came back to town, and he was always my go-to "there's someone out there I could spend my life with" crush when I needed one.

In fact, one of the perks to moving back here (I thought) was that we could reconnect and see if we were right about what we thought was between us.

Then we spent a weekend together in San Francisco. We both realized how much we've changed, we actually bickered quite a bit, he admitted to being mean to me so I wouldn't try to sleep with him because he wasn't at a place where he could do that (here's a thought: just tell me it's not going to happen and trust that it won't), and it was all around a ridiculous weekend. I wish I could explain it further, but frankly it just feels like gossip. What it comes down to is I had some expectations I maybe shouldn't have had, and he was an ass about it. Half of the weekend was really fun and I love San Fran. Half of the weekend blew. We haven't talked since.

I don't know if I have any baggage, but it does illustrate a few lessons that I like to remember.

1- I don't handle subtext well. Sometimes we're just going to have to talk about feelings. If you don't like this, we're probably not going to work out. I know this lesson doesn't seem to fit in here, but it does.

2- Sometimes I'm wrong.