Life Could Be a Dream. A Bad One, by Doris

Excalibur, I can't get you outta my head.

And it really, really sucks.

Apart from Rock, my roommate Stan, and my therapist, I have told no one about the almost encounter of last week. I feel like that gives it too much power, and the goddamn thing already happened so I really don't need ten different opinions on how I handled it. My therapist had some very wise words: often in relationships, there are a lot of gray areas, and this is one of them. There wasn't one right or wrong way to handle things. My problem is, I'm thinking there WAS a right way and I didn't do it.

Then last night, I had a dream.

I'm a big believer in dreams: I really do think they're a cocktail of your scrambled subconscious and if you analyze them carefully, they can provide real wisdom. (Some of them. Others are just garden-variety weird, or they're just further proof I want to bang Jon Hamm.)

Basically, I was en route to some sort of vacation with my family in tow, and who do we run into but Excalibur, who really, really wants to talk to me. Like, won't leave me alone wants to talk to me. I very specifically don't want to speak with him and keep running away. At one point I even run out of my jacket like you see on sitcoms.

Then somehow my family and I end up in a car, sans Excalibur, but with his girlfriend.

And we drop her off at her house, and it turns out she's rich. Really blonde. Tan. Sorority girl all the way. All pink paddles and gold-edged mirrors and as far a cry from my pale-skinned, apartment-dwelling, citygirl existence as you can get.

I don't know why, but I was very disturbed by this dream. Upset. To the point where I woke up with a stomachache and I almost called in to work.

I miss Excalibur. I'll own it. I think it's normal. He was a part of my life for fourteen years, and he's not anymore. Judging from his texts, he would like to be, but I'm not ready for that yet. I don't know if I'll be ready for it ever.

And missing him doesn't mean I want things to be the way they were. Not at all. I think I'm better off, because I realize how emotionally dependent on him I was for so long. I enjoy being single and meeting new people.

Just, that dream. It really threw me off.

Oh, Rock. Between your letting-go woes and my toss and turn night, we are quite a pair this Tuesday.