Good on Paper, by Doris

So I know Rock and I make it out to be like Excalibur was my one and only.

In reality, I have a few Evil Exes of my own. One who just won't go away.

Let's call him Good on Paper, or GOP.

I met GOP in my first year of grad school, when he lived down the hall from me. He was cute. Very sweet and funny. Bogged down with the same intense workload. Accessible, physically and emotionally.

I flirted. He flirted. Eventually we embarked on a very casual dating relationship.

And Excalibur got jealous.

Granted, Excalibur was my EX at the time. He didn't want to fully commit, and was in fact also seeing other people. However, he didn't like the idea of me with GOP. Even at the time, I knew how ridiculous this was, but I kind of enjoyed feeling so wanted.

Then I slept with Excalibur. I don't consider it cheating, as GOP and I were very, very casual--remember, we were in grad school and had a lot of other demands on our time. We were nowhere near having the exclusivity talk.

Nonetheless, I broke it off with GOP. I did this very immaturely, just sort of acted distant and mean until he got the hint. I wasn't in a good place in my life--that's not an excuse, but it's an explanation.

I felt guilty about this for years, and eventually apologized to GOP. We took very different career paths but have stayed in touch.

And I think he's still in love with me.

I had dinner with him a couple of years ago, and had to make it clear we weren't going to hook up. He wasn't pushy, but had communicated he was up for it. I used the excuse that I just didn't feel right about it because of other things going on in my life.

Lately, it's the little things that are adding up. I've gotten the occasional flirty drunk text. When I had a question requiring professional expertise I don't have, I posted it on Facebook. One friend messaged me. GOP called me. GOP's been commenting on a LOT of my status updates lately. Then, when I posted about being stressed, he sent me a message asking if I was okay.

All very nice, and could be construed as just being a good friend. I get that.

So I messaged back that I was fine, thank you for asking, and how are you?

Probably shouldn't have done that.

I get back a long message about how he's stressed too, but will be up for hugs and long walks on the beach in a few weeks ("just in case you are interested"). And then: "Can we get together when things slow down? If you say yes, I'll have plenty of motivation for the upcoming weeks."

If it were just one thing, I would take this as GOP being a good friend.

But everything added up? Yikes.

Here's the thing I've probably known for years but hit me like a ton of bricks when I got this message:

I wish I could like GOP. I really do. It would make everything so much easier, and he'd make a great boyfriend.

However, I just don't have those feelings. There is absolutely no zsa zsa zsu. I have a friend vibe with him that once upon a time I mistook for something romantic. If I'd felt romantic about him, at this time or ever, I would have done something about it. Back in grad school, Excalibur was the catalyst. He wasn't the whole reason. If I'd had strong enough feelings or saw enough potential in GOP, Excalibur wouldn't have been an issue.

I have a feeling GOP sees this as a timing issue. In grad school, I was overwhelmed academically and still hung up on my ex. A couple of years ago, I was dealing with other issues. Now, I'm happy and functional. I think GOP sees this as an opportunity to re-ignite.

In a romantic comedy, GOP would do borderline-stalker things to win me over and it would work.

In real life, I can't force the zsa zsa zsu.

So I'm thinking a reply is in order. I need to get across in the nicest way possible that I see him as a friend, and this will not change.

But how do I word it? Ideas?

Analyzing the shit out of myself, by Rock

So I was looking around the dodgeball court on Sunday and crushing on all of the straight guys. It occurred to me that if the guys were gay, they wouldn't be "good enough" for me, but since they were straight and unobtainable I was crushing like crazy.

I realized this was a pretty common dealio for me. A little bit of a stomach, for example, could be charming on a straight dude, but I don't want it on the guy I'm dating.

I think it has less to do with the stomach and more with the accessibility. Looking at my past bunch of relationships, the common denominator for the ones that hurt me (for new readers, I did a recap of my Evil Exes that you can go back and find in the archives) is that I've been way more emotionally involved than them.

And I'm sure you're all saying, "Duh." That's obviously the case always when someone gets hurt. But I think it's more than that with me. I think that two issues are at play here.

1- I tend to view myself as a work in progress. I'm not entirely happy with where I am in life right now, so if someone is completely sold on me I take that as a character flaw on their part.

2- I really enjoy the hunt or the chase when it comes to dating. I like to be the aggressor and win the other person over. In old-fashioned sexist terms, to be the "guy." Plan the date, try and impress them, try and pay even when my wallet can't afford it, etc.

And I think because of these two issues I tend to go for guys that aren't at a place in life where they can invest 100% or guys that are maybe a little out of my league and need a rebound or something. I don't think it's really a conscious thing on my part, but it's definitely the common denominator in most of the guys I've had relationships with.

And so I'm trying to switch it up a little right now with whom I'm going on dates with. Trying to be aware of what I'm going after. Trying to realize my own value and assess whether I really want to find "ever after" now or if I'm subconsciously holding out for something better when I feel like I am better. I'm starting to feel this awareness of this dichotomy in my brain of wanting something that won't last forever, but not being able to actively engage unless I think it could last forever.

This is a work in progress, obviously. But the realization is definitely a big first step.

Also worth noting is an intense disinterest in intimacy, both emotional and physical, since it ended with 2.0. I feel like tiny little serfs are currently building a ten-foot-tall wall around me. I think in a way this could be a good thing, but to continue an awful cliche-filled metaphor, it would be good if we could revise the plans and bring the wall down to about four feet.