Yes That's All There Is, by Doris

Back in November, Rock approached me about embarking on a dating odyssey and blogging about it. Little did I know this was a trick to get me to, you know, date.

And it worked. Rock, you are a coy bastard.

I'm not ending the six months with a boyfriend, or even a boy toy. But I am ending with a new freedom.

I haven't forgotten Excalibur. I still miss him sometimes. Maybe that will never fully go away.

I still don't know what will happen with Jim Berger. I'm attracted and he's fun, but he's also hot-and-cold and I'm not sure if it's worth the drama. As of now, it's still very much will-they-or-won't-they? And I'm okay with that.

I've been stood up. I've dated guys I shouldn't be dating. I've lusted after coworkers, had ex run-ins, drunk texts and awkward phone calls, and I still don't know whether finding The One will ever be a priority for me.

I've also found the freedom to openly write about my past, which had been an issue for me. And I've found my writing (both on this blog and in other outlets under my real name) has an honesty it's previously lacked.

So thank you. For reading, for commenting, for being in the dating trenches with Rock and me.

This morning on my Facebook feed, there was a quote from The L Word: "And as they say, men come and go, but your friends are forever."

With friends like Rock, I'll never be alone.

Be well, in love and in life.

Au revoir,

Doris

Plans, by Doris

We have plans, Jim Berger and I.

To go out in public and do something. Together.

I realize I should probably cut my losses. Get out while I still can. Go out to a bar and hit on bloated frat boys or douchey hipsters.

Every time I realize this, I get another cute email. Have another fun conversation about Henry Darger or living in France. Smile yet again at something funny one of us said. Have two more hours of drunk texts (happened again last night).

The invitation unfolded organically. We were emailing back and forth yesterday: he was at work, I was running around doing errands after dance class.

He mentioned wanting to see a show. I said I was planning on going, which was true, if he wanted to join.

His words: "I'm in."

It's not for three weeks. I fully realize he could flake out on me before then.

Because Jim Berger is kind of a flake. I realize this. I know I shouldn't invest a lot of emotion in something that will likely go nowhere.

However.

He is cute. He is easy to talk to. He is there. He is making difficult workdays easier, just by being himself.

And right now, that is good enough for me.

Drunk Text, by Doris

I lied. This is another Jim Berger post (but a short one).

Three emails Friday afternoon and evening.

And then...

I woke up Saturday morning to find this on my phone:

"Drunk text. I do it sometimes too."

Properly spelled and capitalized. AND a callback to a few weeks ago when we exchanged numbers and I said I promised not to drunk text him, as I am wont to do.

A few hours later, I texted: "Coffee. Eggs. Water. Ibuprofen."

Right back at me: "Coffee. V-8. Work. Oy."

And I left it at that.

Don't worry, I'm still strong.

But because I'm all about being honest on the blog I will admit:

It made me smile just a little.

Game Over, Man, by Doris

Last Jim Berger post ever, I swear:

So it's been over a week and no response to my "should we schedule a time to hang out?" email. Yet he's "liked" most of my Facebook posts and of course we've seen each other at work.

If we were in junior high, I could maybe forgive this.

He's 36.

Then this morning, I had to get something from him for our boss. We had a really nice face-to-face conversation. Then he sent me an email. Not acknowledging last week or anything (even though it was the same email thread. Seriously). Just a message related to something we had just discussed.

It's settled: this is a work friendship and nothing more.

Note: I'm almost completely sure he is still hung up on his ex-girlfriend. It's her last day in the office, as she's accepted a position elsewhere. It'll be interesting to see whether he starts communicating with me more once she is gone.

His loss. We have a lot in common and could have had a really nice friendship or friends-with-benefits deal. Hell, I told Rock that I would have been Jim Berger's rebound, as long as he was honest about it.

However, I don't have the time or the energy to decode mixed messages.

All he had to do was respond to last week's email with a "you know, I'm really not comfortable hanging outside of the office right now," or even a noncommittal, "I'll check my schedule and get back to you" if he wanted to let me off easy. If he didn't want to email, there is texting. There is coming to my desk and saying, "can I talk to you for a second?"

But no. There was no response, and a week and a half later it's like it never happened.

Over.

Open Arms and Prison Cells, by Doris

The past few days have been a bit rough, for various reasons. One of the bright spots? None other than Jim Berger.

I really thought we were done emailing, so I was pleasantly surprised to find a cute message from him in my in-box Saturday morning.

And very soon, I am going to take the initiative and step it up.

I had this big come to Jesus moment on Friday night. What the hell have I got to lose? Absolutely nothing.

Especially since his ex just put in her two weeks' notice.

If you've been keeping up with The Story of Jim Berger and His Ex Aka Doris' Friend, you know this was a BIG factor in my moving so slowly. Granted, he could also be hesitant about hooking up with yet another coworker. He could not be into me that way at all.

Or he could be your classic clueless straight guy.

Back in grad school, a friend (a straight guy himself) told me that straight guys can be inherently stupid when it comes to knowing a girl is interested. I remember my friend saying, "The only way I know for sure a girl is interested is if she tells me, and even then I'm like, 'What? You like ME? Really?'"

So I'm slowly starting to step it up a bit.

Yesterday, I invited him to a show Rock and I were attending that night. Now, I wasn't going to be surprised if he said no, because: a) this was really really short notice, b) the show was very late at night, and c) it was a drag show, which isn't exactly a big comfort zone for many straight guys. The invitation was just a casual, natural segue in our email conversation, so I figured why not?

I was pleasantly surprised to not only get a "maybe" (because he was going to be at a dinner party where a lot of alcohol would be served, and he wasn't sure if he'd be up to it by then), but a revelation that Jim Berger himself used to regularly dress in drag with his band.

Which is just badass, and is further proof I want him in my life, even if it's only platonic.

The thing is, I like being the one who's asked. That said, I've dealt with shy/clueless guys before, and I'm not great at waiting. I really don't want to pass up the opportunity for what could be a fun relationship or a great friendship. And I'm talking about sending a text and/or seeing if he wants to see a movie this week. Not sitting outside his apartment singing love songs.

He gave me his number, which in my experience guys don't do if they don't want you contacting them. Could be he is deliberately leaving the ball in my court to see what I will do.

So I'm going to text.

Worst case scenario: he politely rebuffs me, I'm embarrassed for a couple of days, then we move on and everything's back to normal.

Wish me luck.

Stop Doing Everything Right, by Doris

During a 20-minute interaction this morning, Jim Berger:

1. Listened to me blather to a coworker about what I liked and didn't like about a film, plus interesting trivia, and didn't seem to think I was a blowhard (plus revealed he once interviewed the film's director).

2. When I mentioned I took dance, said he was a fan of my dance teacher, before knowing she was my teacher.

3. Asked me how I liked the British costume drama I saw the other night, and admitted to being the only guy in the theatre when he saw it.

Also, after a fairly shitty argument with a friend last night, I checked my email to find a message from him.

I am giggling and singing to myself. Not good.

He gets until the middle of next week to take the initiative, then I'm asking him to hang out.

I can't pass up this opportunity, even if it just turns out to be friendship. It's really tough to initiate a platonic deal with a straight guy when he's just started a new relationship. New girlfriends tend not to like new girl friends.

Dial A for Awkward, by Doris

Last night I finally worked up the nerve to call Hunter Parrish. Rock had told me that email or texting was bad form, and HP didn't have my phone number, so I felt I had no other choice.

Rock, I love ya, but I'm texting or emailing next time.

As I've expressed before, I'm just not good on the phone with people I don't know. That doesn't apply to work situations: I can phone-schmooze with the best of them, when the occasion calls for it, because I have a specific purpose. Even at work, however, I prefer email.

But Hunter Parrish is cute, so I sucked it up and dialed his number.

I prayed to the Flying Spaghetti Monster for voicemail, so I could leave a message with my number and leave the ball in his court. No awkwardness!

And I almost got my wish.

Four rings...

"Hello?"

Shit.

Most. Awkward. Three minutes. Of my life.

I know I keep saying "awkward" and I want to yell at myself to get a thesaurus, but there really is no other word.

Remember, I talked to this guy at a bar for ten minutes. I have no idea what his personality is like. I don't even know whether he gave me his card to get away from me (although I don't think so, generally straight guys don't give you their contact info if they don't want you contacting them).

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is just as dorky on the phone as I am. Also, he was on his break from one of his three jobs and I think I caught him off-guard.

(That said, dude, why didn't you just screen the call? I almost always do that when I don't recognize the number, as does Rock.)

Mercifully, his break ended (at least that's what he said, and I was more than fine with that), but he said he'd call later in the week so we could set up a time to hang out.

Because he now has my number, the ball is in his court.

Honestly, his personality doesn't seem all that great--then again, we've interacted very little. I won't be heartbroken if I never hear from him again.

On the other hand, if I DO hear from him...

I'd totally hit that.

I mean, HE LOOKS LIKE HUNTER PARRISH.

He Likes Jane Austen, by Doris

Still haven't called Hunter Parrish. Probably will tonight. I intended to last night, but I'm taking some much needed "me-time" and didn't want the stress that goes with calling a boy who gave you his card at a bar three days ago. Which hasn't happened to me in a looong time, I might add.

As for Jim Berger...the short but cute emails keep coming, back and forth, fast and furious. We're into a lot of the same things. He can cook and bake really well, and I want to ask him to teach me but I'm too shy to do so (and that's a lot to ask of someone). We've both gotten a little teasing and flirty the way you only can in writing.

This has been going on for over a week. I keep waiting for it to stop. It doesn't.

At this point, I know Rock will yell at me to do something about it. To call or text, as I now have his number which he freely gave to me. To just freaking ask if he wants to see a movie, grab a coffee or a drink, go to a play (yes, he likes going to the theatre. Fuck me).

I want to make it clear: Rock has a very valid point.

I just want Jim to be the one who initiates.

There are a few reasons for this: my sister and I were saying last night that maybe it makes us bad feminists, but we like it when a guy makes the first move, even if it's just platonic. There's something about feeling wanted, whether it's by a friend or a potential makeout buddy.

Also, there's the elephant in the room known as his ex-girlfriend who's also my friend.

Again, even if it turns out to be platonic, I don't want it to look like I was biding my time until the breakup so I could pursue him. That's not true at all, but let's face it: in awkward relationship situations, whether it's straight-up cheating or more of a gray area, the woman gets blamed. Hell, I've blamed the woman several times before, in situations with friends and in my own life--I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

It's frustrating. I feel like we're now going back and forth, like "your move." "No, YOUR move." I wish I could make it clear that I will say yes, I won't turn him down, and I will take his cues. If he wants to be friends, that's totally cool (and it really is, I've crushed on all my straight guy friends at some point and it always, always passes once we spend some time together). If he wants to go for more...well, I won't stop him.

And I almost know that if I called, or texted, or even asked to hang out, he'd be very receptive. That said, if he asks me, calls me, texts me, I'll know he's not humoring me. Does that make sense?

I haven't said this until now, but the other day I remembered how I initially felt about Excalibur, in those halcyon days when I was pretty sure he liked me but didn't know 100%. I remember thinking he was really funny and cool and we had things in common, and if he wasn't into me like that, I'd be completely fine being his friend. I just wanted him in my world.

It's been almost 15 years, but now I feel that way about Jim Berger.

I just want him in my world.

Cue toughlove comment from Rock in 3, 2...

Fun With Numbers, by Doris

Earlier this week, I was sent a one-line message that did not contain proper grammar. Normally, that is a dealbreaker, but I liked the thumbnail picture of the guy's face so I clicked on it.

Hello, Six-Pack.

As I tend to go for the underfed hipster with just enough tummy to love type, I was intrigued. After Rock confirmed that the pictures were definitely not Photoshopped, I sent Six-Pack a message saying what's up. We agreed to meet for a drink Saturday at my favorite neighborhood dive bar.

I was fully intending to vet him and make sure he wasn't a serial killer (I've watched way too much 48 Hours, aka Don't Be a Single Woman Who Enjoys Sex Or YOU WILL DIE), and then take him home with me. Even if I got a weird feeling, I was probably at least going to make out with him at the bar. I arranged for a friend to call at midnight and make sure everything was okay.

I got there at 9, our designated meeting time. At 9:15, I knew he wasn't coming.

Now, to be fair, I'm not sure what happened. On Thursday night after we'd decided on a date and time, I messaged him asking for his cell phone number. I'm not a big phone person, but I like to have this before a date so I can call or text if I'm running late (which I usually am). Never heard back. Granted, I just moved, as did half of my city, and I don't yet have Internet at home: in fact, I had to send this last message from Rock's computer. It could very well be he's in the same situation and only has sporadic access to OKCupid. Maybe something did happen and he had no way of getting ahold of me.

Or maybe he's just a jackass who got a better offer.

Either way, I decided to wait another 15 minutes, as I was enjoying sitting around and drinking a beer.

Then, a very cute guy walked into the bar. He was alone, and appeared to be waiting for someone. I was pretty sure it wasn't Six-Pack, but there was a little resemblance, and sometimes people look different from their pictures. And if it really was Six-Pack, maybe he hadn't seen me yet.

A year ago this totally wouldn't have happened. Last night, I took a chance.

I took myself and my beer to the stool next to him.

"Excuse me," I said, "but has anyone ever told you, you look like Hunter Parrish?"

(He totally did, by the way.)

So it wasn't Six-Pack. But HP was a nice guy who is an artist and has three other jobs, who had just come from a concert and was waiting for his (male) friend. We had a fun little conversation (during which the word "girlfriend" didn't come up at all), and after he got a text from his friend asking him to meet elsewhere, I decided to walk out with him. I didn't tell HP my exact situation, just that I was waiting for someone too and I didn't think they were going to show.

Before we parted ways, he gave me his card.

And those weren't the only digits I scored yesterday.

Besides seeing each other at work, Jim Berger and I have been emailing back and forth for over a week. Just little things: our weekend plans, joking/bitching about work, etc. He contacted me yesterday, recommending a play, and saying he should have asked me to join him as he had a free ticket and his friend bailed at the last minute.

Seeing my opening, I emailed back: "For next time, or if you find yourself stranded at the movies: [my phone number]."

Less than two hours later, I get a reply: "Your number is now in my phone, so expect calls if I'm stranded. Or otherwise." Also, his number.

I have no idea where this is going.

I can't wait to find out.

We We We So Not Excited, by Doris

I'll keep this short, but I'm supposed to see The Hair tonight (we rescheduled from Friday). We are going to a bar in his neighborhood I've always wanted to go to, which is a plus.

And I can think of a million things I'd rather be doing.

He is perfectly nice, but a) I get the feeling he's way more excited about this than I am, and b) he called me "pretty girl" in a text.

Now, I know we've only been on one date and many girls like that kind of thing and he doesn't know me well enough to know this, but:

I don't really go for those kind of endearments. It just squicks me out even if the guy is not squicky.

I'm going to try to keep an open mind, but honestly it will probably be one drink and go.

Will report back.

(P.S. Did anyone see Parks and Recreation? Did anyone else have a REALLY hard time believing Leslie was the only one opposed to those two getting married? Though I did love her line about falling for the Civil War re-enactor.)

The Safety Dance, by Doris

So The Hair and I are scheduled to go out tomorrow night, have a glass of wine and maybe see a movie. Between working long hours (with more to come this weekend!) and preparing to move apartments, I am suspecting a glass or two of wine may be all I can handle. We'll see. I'd be very surprised if a third date comes of this--he's really nice, but I just can't get all that excited--but I am trying to keep an open mind.

I'm also messaging with a guy I'll call Wings because he and I both enjoy eating wings. The messages are very looong so I'm hoping we'll meet up soon.

And in the meantime...

Remember my friend's ex, who's also my friend, for whom I've had feelings in the past?

Let's call him Jim Berger. Jim as in Jim and Pam from The Office, because he works with me (though not in the same department). Berger as in Jack Berger from Sex and the City, because he is a writer (though to my knowledge, he has not dumped anyone via Post-It).

Can you tell Rock and I like TV?

So he's a quiet guy, laid-back, sweet. I've known him for several years but have gotten to know him better in the past year when we worked on a couple of projects together and he started dating my friend (also a coworker). We're both writers, like the theatre and movies, have stuff in common.

He's always been very complimentary of my writing--not this blog, which he doesn't know exists, but some of my other stuff on the Web. And he's an excellent writer and has a nice little freelance career going, so I value those compliments. He's said my writing style makes him want to improve his own, which, WOW. He's also trying to help me score some freelance gigs of my own, which is really nice considering how competitive the market can be.

And lately...there's been this energy between us.

Nothing too drastic. Just more chatting, some Facebook messaging, emails back and forth. Shy smiles. That sort of thing. Just a wee bit more than friendly.

I'm not delusional. I don't think this is going to lead to anything. I think we are both stressed out about various life-y things right now, and feel comfortable with each other.

And sometimes that's enough.

Energy manifests in different ways. I mean, Rock and I had energy from day one. Not a romantic energy, but it led to a friendship going on eleven years. Having energy with someone doesn't mean you're going to sleep with them. Or that you even want to. (Okay, I wouldn't be opposed in this case. But anyway...)

I'm not going to stop dating people or pine away for this dude. But I'm going to enjoy what we've got.

'Cause I don't know what Jim Berger's opinion is, but I think this is damn nice.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?, by Doris

So remember The Hair, the guy I very briefly talked about before I immediately jumped into stressing about my attraction to my friend's ex-boyfriend?

Me neither.

The reason I didn't talk about the date that much is because, really, there wasn't much to talk about. We met up for coffee, had a nice conversation, hugged good-bye. He said he'd like to hang out again, I said sure. It wasn't until four or five days later I realized I hadn't heard from the guy.

Four or five days.

At that point I barely remembered I had a date with him. So it was probably better he didn't follow up, right?

That's what I thought, and then I heard from him again. Apparently he got pretty sick right after our date (don't know whether I believe that, don't really care. At least he acknowledged he hadn't contacted me). He apologized, wants to get together again.

What do I do, you guys?

Yes, there's one other guy I'm messaging with who I think has potential, but other than that the dudes aren't exactly banging down my door a la Rock. I've done some messaging here and there, but haven't heard back from most of the guys. I'm going to try to put in some more time on OKCupid this weekend.

In other words, I don't want to be TOO picky. And it's true, this guy was a lot easier to talk to than Straight Anthony Rapp, so I don't think a second date would be nearly as awkward. It's just...meh. I'm not excited, and aren't you supposed to be a little excited this early in the game? Then again, I don't want to miss out on anything.

Thoughts?

GOP Responds, by Doris

I took Rock's advice and returned Good on Paper's Facebook message. After some small talk about other things, I wrote the following:

I really appreciate and value your friendship. I know our connection in grad school didn't pan out, and I'm very glad we were able to remain friends and keep in touch. However, some of your comments lately have got me thinking that you're still hoping there's something there. Unfortunately, it just isn't there for me. Sorry to have to articulate it, but it'll be easier for me to focus on our friendship if I know you're aware of this.

That was last night. This morning, I received a reply:

Your friendship means a lot to me. Some of my comments are flirt-acious [sic]. I'm not trying to re-kindle a connection. I hope this next part makes sense; I feel I could explain it better talking rather than writing. You're very easy to flirt with. You have a lot a great characteristics that I like. So I feel comfortable flirting with you. It's how I show I care. I don't realize I'm doing it a lot of the times. I'll try to be more aware of it, so you won't feel uncomfortable. I am a guy though, so you'll probably need to point it out... and be ready to forgive me when I put my foot in my mouth.

Very courteous and mature and GOP. The reply doesn't surprise me a bit.

However, I don't 100% buy it.

He is a friendly, sometimes flirtatious guy, it's true. However, his behavior around me in the past, plus our history, leads me to believe it's not just friendly flirting. In fact, call me presumptuous, but I KNOW it hasn't been purely friendly. He was never creepy or overly pushy, but when I laughed and rolled my eyes, he'd press on.

Yeah. There was definitely more than a friend vibe on his end.

However, I'm not going to argue. I'm going to let him think I totally believe he just sees me as a friend.

Because letting one save face is what a friend does.

Good on Paper, by Doris

So I know Rock and I make it out to be like Excalibur was my one and only.

In reality, I have a few Evil Exes of my own. One who just won't go away.

Let's call him Good on Paper, or GOP.

I met GOP in my first year of grad school, when he lived down the hall from me. He was cute. Very sweet and funny. Bogged down with the same intense workload. Accessible, physically and emotionally.

I flirted. He flirted. Eventually we embarked on a very casual dating relationship.

And Excalibur got jealous.

Granted, Excalibur was my EX at the time. He didn't want to fully commit, and was in fact also seeing other people. However, he didn't like the idea of me with GOP. Even at the time, I knew how ridiculous this was, but I kind of enjoyed feeling so wanted.

Then I slept with Excalibur. I don't consider it cheating, as GOP and I were very, very casual--remember, we were in grad school and had a lot of other demands on our time. We were nowhere near having the exclusivity talk.

Nonetheless, I broke it off with GOP. I did this very immaturely, just sort of acted distant and mean until he got the hint. I wasn't in a good place in my life--that's not an excuse, but it's an explanation.

I felt guilty about this for years, and eventually apologized to GOP. We took very different career paths but have stayed in touch.

And I think he's still in love with me.

I had dinner with him a couple of years ago, and had to make it clear we weren't going to hook up. He wasn't pushy, but had communicated he was up for it. I used the excuse that I just didn't feel right about it because of other things going on in my life.

Lately, it's the little things that are adding up. I've gotten the occasional flirty drunk text. When I had a question requiring professional expertise I don't have, I posted it on Facebook. One friend messaged me. GOP called me. GOP's been commenting on a LOT of my status updates lately. Then, when I posted about being stressed, he sent me a message asking if I was okay.

All very nice, and could be construed as just being a good friend. I get that.

So I messaged back that I was fine, thank you for asking, and how are you?

Probably shouldn't have done that.

I get back a long message about how he's stressed too, but will be up for hugs and long walks on the beach in a few weeks ("just in case you are interested"). And then: "Can we get together when things slow down? If you say yes, I'll have plenty of motivation for the upcoming weeks."

If it were just one thing, I would take this as GOP being a good friend.

But everything added up? Yikes.

Here's the thing I've probably known for years but hit me like a ton of bricks when I got this message:

I wish I could like GOP. I really do. It would make everything so much easier, and he'd make a great boyfriend.

However, I just don't have those feelings. There is absolutely no zsa zsa zsu. I have a friend vibe with him that once upon a time I mistook for something romantic. If I'd felt romantic about him, at this time or ever, I would have done something about it. Back in grad school, Excalibur was the catalyst. He wasn't the whole reason. If I'd had strong enough feelings or saw enough potential in GOP, Excalibur wouldn't have been an issue.

I have a feeling GOP sees this as a timing issue. In grad school, I was overwhelmed academically and still hung up on my ex. A couple of years ago, I was dealing with other issues. Now, I'm happy and functional. I think GOP sees this as an opportunity to re-ignite.

In a romantic comedy, GOP would do borderline-stalker things to win me over and it would work.

In real life, I can't force the zsa zsa zsu.

So I'm thinking a reply is in order. I need to get across in the nicest way possible that I see him as a friend, and this will not change.

But how do I word it? Ideas?

Just to Lighten the Mood, by Doris

So guess who texted me yesterday?

Midnight Cowboy!

Dude must have some serious hornypants.

He asked if I was still interested in getting together. I said yes, but to be honest I wasn't super comfortable with having a first date at midnight. He said he understood, but mornings were no good because he's "quite nocturnal." His words.

Maybe it's because I'm exhausted and overworked, but I was SO tempted to reply: "You must be very proud."

In short, we couldn't agree on a time, so I told him to text me next week if he's still interested.

You know, I have friends in the service industry. And they all date during normal hours.

When I relayed all this to Rock, he replied that "quite nocturnal" could be a euphemism for "on meth."

I love Rock.

Whatever Winkie, by Doris

So Winkie and I were supposed to go out last night. It had been rescheduled from last week for various reasons, and we were going to meet for coffee at seven.

Now, Friday night I texted him and asked if we could meet at eight instead.

His response?

"Haha, sure. You'll have to just make it up to me, I guess. ;P"

Ugh.

If you recall, this isn't the first weird insinuation we're going to hook up even though, you know, WE HAVEN'T EVEN MET YET. This is coffee, dude, not AdultFriendFinder. I need to see you and talk to you first. Especially since your photos show you at two very different weights.

Maybe he was trying to be funny and it just came off awkward, as written communications sometimes do. Maybe he genuinely believes he got game.

Either way, I don't think I'm going to find out.

Why?

Because last night, not one hour before we were supposed to meet (thank the flying spaghetti monster the place was in my neighborhood, otherwise I might have been on my way), I get the following text:

"Hey, I'm gonna have to bail on tonight. I've been drinking since 10 this morning and would want to make a non dunk first impression." [sic]

Really, Winkie? REALLY?

Yes, I get that yesterday was the Saturday before St. Patrick's Day, which tends to get a little crazy. As someone who has happily gotten wasted at noon during Pride festivities, I probably can't judge.

However:

1) We've had this date scheduled for over a week (two if you count before we rescheduled). If you knew you were going out with your friends, why'd you ask to meet me on Saturday (a day that, after all, was your idea)? If it just came up, why didn't you either cancel early or, I don't know, PACE YOURSELF during the day? You're in your mid-twenties, dude. By then, most people know how much liquor they can handle.

2) So YOU were one of the idiots screaming outside my window, clogging up foot traffic, puking on the sidewalk and causing the ambulances to run overtime yesterday. (Sorry, I'm just a grouch like that about pre-St. Patrick's Day. I just don't see the point. At least with Pride you're celebrating in the company of funny and happy gay men, not icky bloated red-faced douchetards.)

3) I don't think it would have worked anyway. See 2). You are a pre-St. Patrick's Day person. I am not.

What did I do with my sudden free hour (because, unbeknownst to Winkie, I had a commitment later that night, so a hookup most likely wouldn't have happened even if I were attracted)?

I put on a fabulous new hat and took myself out for coffee at a really cool local place. What can I say? Sometimes it's nice to just be alone.

The Night We Never Met, by Doris

"I can't believe you were going out with him in the first place," Rock said last night.

Remember Midnight Cowboy? The dude I stupidly agreed to meet at the witching hour on a weeknight, who wasn't even that cute? The guy who from message one came off as more than a little douchey?

Well, last night I had to work late. Very late. I had a 12-hour day with virtually no break, much of which was spent running around and trying to keep various balls in the air. Earlier in the week, I'd figured I'd still be hyped up later, as I usually am after major events, and could handle a date.

While still at work, I get a text from MC. Could we meet at 11 instead?

Sure, I replied, thinking if worse came to worse I'd just go straight to the bar as I was dressed cute anyway.

I step away from my phone and step back half an hour later, only to find out he wants to switch back to midnight.

Ugh, seriously?

Look, I get it. Shit happens, life happens, work happens. I mean, I was at work myself when I got the message. And maybe because of that, because I'd been running and making amends and allowances because I am paid to do so, I didn't want to compromise and yes-woman myself another damn time, for results that would likely be less than satisfactory.

By "results," I don't mean bad sex, necessarily. I mean, it took a 12-hour workday of running around to realize...

I didn't really like Midnight Cowboy.

Not enough to meet him late, after he changed the meeting time, then changed it again. Not enough to submit myself to what would likely be a quick drink then fooling around. I could practically smell the subtext in all his communications.

Again, a one-night stand isn't a bad thing. But I need to dig you a little before we hop into bed. And the fact that you're kinda douchey before we even meet, plus I don't find you super attractive?

Clang, clang, clang went the "Doris, don't do this" trolley.

I texted back that I just wasn't down--I was working, I needed to be back at work early the next morning, and I was afraid I just wouldn't be very good company. We vaguely left it at "another time," which I think we both know will never happen.

My next text was for Rock, whom I knew was out somewhere in the city:

Where are you?

Because some nights, you DO have to make awkward small talk to get what you want, whether that's a one-nighter or a deep connection.

And some nights, you just want to have a drink with your friends.

I know I made the right choice.

Drought Nearly Over, by Doris

So I'm in the midst of arranging dates with two different boys, plus messaging with another. Although with the latter, I'm not sure if he's genuinely interested or it's a "courtesy reply."

Addendum to Doris' Rules of OKCupid Engagement:

Don't message me back if you're not interested. I don't care what the dating sites tell you. If I don't hear back from you, I get it--and that's if I even remember messaging you in the first place. I think it's far ruder for you to turn me down or to disappear after I ask to meet you, than to be polite and not waste my time or yours by forgoing the "courtesy reply."

The thing is--and I really hesitate to say this because I know my sister reads this blog, but what the hell. Sis, consider yourself warned--I'm almost more about sex than dating at this time. What can I say? It's been a while. I'd even take a good makeout. And when I noticed that at least two guys I was interested in had "casual sex" on their "interested in"--among other things like "short-term dating"--well, it wasn't exactly a deterrent.

As Rock and I discussed when setting up our profiles a few months ago, I don't want the inevitable pervy-straight-dude responses I'd get if I listed "casual sex" among my "interested in"'s. A shitty double standard, but it exists. I'm interested in dating-dating too. Really. I just need to get some physical stuff out of my system, ya dig?

In fact, I nearly propositioned a dude via message, but then Rock reminded me how I hate when a guy asks me out in the very first message. I don't want to be a hypocrite.

And speaking of hypocrites, I just broke my own rule and messaged a guy whose profile picture features him and a girl. They weren't faux making out, though.

That's a Dealbreaker, Ladies!, by Doris

An addition to Doris' Rules of OKCupid Engagement:

I don't care how cute you are. If one of your photos features you faux-making out with your very pretty female "best friend," I am NOT messaging you.

Seriously. Who does that? It doesn't make you look desirable. It makes you look like you have something going on with your "best friend," and if you and I go on a date I can expect her at my apartment the next day, wielding a shiv.

/endminirant

Big Fat Sigh, by Doris

In my messages tonight:

"You are heart-aching-adorable."

Aw. Too bad he sports a nasty soul patch. I can't get past that.

"Finally, someone who agrees Mike was the superior MST3K host."

Aw. Too bad he kind of resembles Fat Neil from Community. Can't get past that either.

And now, Doris' rules of OKCupid engagement:

1. Please don't ask me out in the first message--like before I've even messaged you back. You wouldn't walk up to somebody and ask them to coffee without exchanging a few words first, right?

2. If your username/screenname/handle/whatever contains a reference to masturbation...just no.

3. Photos of you in a bar with your friends? Cool. Photos of you with a cigarette and/or joint hanging out of your mouth? Ew.

4. I want to know you've actually read my profile. A message about my hotness doesn't indicate that. On the contrary, it tells me you're sending the same damn thing to 15 girls.

5. If we're on a date and you discreetly and politely check me out, that's fine. If you are sending me a message complimenting the size of my chest, you WILL get a rude retort right before I block your ass.

And finally...

6. If you don't post at least ONE picture of yourself, I won't assume you're too hot for the interwebs. I WILL assume: a) there's something seriously wrong with you physically, b) you're too damn lazy to press a button, which does not bode well for how you will treat me in public and private, or c) all of the above.

Have no fear, gentle readers and snarky Rock: there are a few gentlemen with definite potential I'm messaging with.

Happy Friday!