GOP Responds, by Doris

I took Rock's advice and returned Good on Paper's Facebook message. After some small talk about other things, I wrote the following:

I really appreciate and value your friendship. I know our connection in grad school didn't pan out, and I'm very glad we were able to remain friends and keep in touch. However, some of your comments lately have got me thinking that you're still hoping there's something there. Unfortunately, it just isn't there for me. Sorry to have to articulate it, but it'll be easier for me to focus on our friendship if I know you're aware of this.

That was last night. This morning, I received a reply:

Your friendship means a lot to me. Some of my comments are flirt-acious [sic]. I'm not trying to re-kindle a connection. I hope this next part makes sense; I feel I could explain it better talking rather than writing. You're very easy to flirt with. You have a lot a great characteristics that I like. So I feel comfortable flirting with you. It's how I show I care. I don't realize I'm doing it a lot of the times. I'll try to be more aware of it, so you won't feel uncomfortable. I am a guy though, so you'll probably need to point it out... and be ready to forgive me when I put my foot in my mouth.

Very courteous and mature and GOP. The reply doesn't surprise me a bit.

However, I don't 100% buy it.

He is a friendly, sometimes flirtatious guy, it's true. However, his behavior around me in the past, plus our history, leads me to believe it's not just friendly flirting. In fact, call me presumptuous, but I KNOW it hasn't been purely friendly. He was never creepy or overly pushy, but when I laughed and rolled my eyes, he'd press on.

Yeah. There was definitely more than a friend vibe on his end.

However, I'm not going to argue. I'm going to let him think I totally believe he just sees me as a friend.

Because letting one save face is what a friend does.

Good on Paper, by Doris

So I know Rock and I make it out to be like Excalibur was my one and only.

In reality, I have a few Evil Exes of my own. One who just won't go away.

Let's call him Good on Paper, or GOP.

I met GOP in my first year of grad school, when he lived down the hall from me. He was cute. Very sweet and funny. Bogged down with the same intense workload. Accessible, physically and emotionally.

I flirted. He flirted. Eventually we embarked on a very casual dating relationship.

And Excalibur got jealous.

Granted, Excalibur was my EX at the time. He didn't want to fully commit, and was in fact also seeing other people. However, he didn't like the idea of me with GOP. Even at the time, I knew how ridiculous this was, but I kind of enjoyed feeling so wanted.

Then I slept with Excalibur. I don't consider it cheating, as GOP and I were very, very casual--remember, we were in grad school and had a lot of other demands on our time. We were nowhere near having the exclusivity talk.

Nonetheless, I broke it off with GOP. I did this very immaturely, just sort of acted distant and mean until he got the hint. I wasn't in a good place in my life--that's not an excuse, but it's an explanation.

I felt guilty about this for years, and eventually apologized to GOP. We took very different career paths but have stayed in touch.

And I think he's still in love with me.

I had dinner with him a couple of years ago, and had to make it clear we weren't going to hook up. He wasn't pushy, but had communicated he was up for it. I used the excuse that I just didn't feel right about it because of other things going on in my life.

Lately, it's the little things that are adding up. I've gotten the occasional flirty drunk text. When I had a question requiring professional expertise I don't have, I posted it on Facebook. One friend messaged me. GOP called me. GOP's been commenting on a LOT of my status updates lately. Then, when I posted about being stressed, he sent me a message asking if I was okay.

All very nice, and could be construed as just being a good friend. I get that.

So I messaged back that I was fine, thank you for asking, and how are you?

Probably shouldn't have done that.

I get back a long message about how he's stressed too, but will be up for hugs and long walks on the beach in a few weeks ("just in case you are interested"). And then: "Can we get together when things slow down? If you say yes, I'll have plenty of motivation for the upcoming weeks."

If it were just one thing, I would take this as GOP being a good friend.

But everything added up? Yikes.

Here's the thing I've probably known for years but hit me like a ton of bricks when I got this message:

I wish I could like GOP. I really do. It would make everything so much easier, and he'd make a great boyfriend.

However, I just don't have those feelings. There is absolutely no zsa zsa zsu. I have a friend vibe with him that once upon a time I mistook for something romantic. If I'd felt romantic about him, at this time or ever, I would have done something about it. Back in grad school, Excalibur was the catalyst. He wasn't the whole reason. If I'd had strong enough feelings or saw enough potential in GOP, Excalibur wouldn't have been an issue.

I have a feeling GOP sees this as a timing issue. In grad school, I was overwhelmed academically and still hung up on my ex. A couple of years ago, I was dealing with other issues. Now, I'm happy and functional. I think GOP sees this as an opportunity to re-ignite.

In a romantic comedy, GOP would do borderline-stalker things to win me over and it would work.

In real life, I can't force the zsa zsa zsu.

So I'm thinking a reply is in order. I need to get across in the nicest way possible that I see him as a friend, and this will not change.

But how do I word it? Ideas?

Second Date Snooze, by Doris

You know you shouldn't go on a second date when:

1. You've had to reschedule it twice and every time you postpone, rather than sighing at the complexities of life, breathe a sigh of relief.

2. You consider rescheduling it a third time but don't want to be an asshole.

3. You consider canceling altogether. Up until half an hour before you're scheduled to meet.

4. You would really just rather poke around the bookstore. Alone.

5. When he calls to tell you he's arrived--a courtesy that shouldn't be an annoyance--you groan, "ugh, not again."

And so goes my second go-round with Straight Anthony Rapp.

While on a trip with my family, my sister encouraged me to give him another chance because "it's a second date, you're still figuring things out." And he'd asked me, so why not? We made plans to meet several days after I returned from vacation.

Then I got sick. We rescheduled.

Then my schedule got too full. We rescheduled again.

Then I realized I really didn't want a second date with this guy.

If I were a nicer person and had nicer feelings, I would like him. He's smart. He's in graduate school on a career track he's passionate about. He's cute. We like a lot of the same stuff.

I'm just not feeling it.

If I were a smarter person, I would have sent a gracious text message or perhaps made a phone call saying he's a great guy, but I don't think it's meant to be. Instead, I felt this would make me a jerk. Possibly I was afraid of what he'd say or not say.

So instead, I met up with him and right off said I had a deadline so I couldn't stay out too terribly long. (I did have a deadline. It just wasn't for several days.)

"Oh, I get it," he responded with an edge in his voice.

"Um, sorry?" I ventured timidly. We were walking down the street so I couldn't see his face and I didn't know if he was kidding. And as horrible as this is, I was kind of hoping he was being a jerk so I'd have an excuse to end it right there.

He started laughing. "I'm teasing. That's what I do with people I know well."
Except you don't know me well, I wanted to say. You don't know me well at all.

We proceeded to a tea shop, which was totally crowded with people studying and getting their Sunday evening ya-yas out (well, as much as you can get your ya-yas out in a tea shop). Basically, there was only one stool, which Straight Anthony Rapp graciously let me have while he stood and we made conversation over tea while trying not to upset the precariously balanced laptop next to us. He asked questions that sounded like they came out of a First Date 101 handbook and the conversation didn't flow at all.

He is awkward. So horribly, horribly awkward.

I'm not sure if it's an age thing, a graduate school thing, or another thing altogether. He's 25 and may not have grown into himself just yet. Granted, Rock is 25 too, but Rock is also a freak of nature. I kind of wonder if it's due to grad school, which I know firsthand turns otherwise intelligent, articulate people into stammering bastions of social awkwardness when faced with a non-classroom situation. Or it could just be his personality and he'll have it forever.

(And as I mentioned in my first Straight Anthony Rapp post, there's that annoying, annoying voice. We were talking about The King's Speech, and he mentioned that he himself had a speech impediment that he was coached out of. I don't think his therapist did a good job.)

Whatever it is, I don't want to wait around for him to grow out of it or fix it.

We got out of there, but not as fast as I would like, and parted ways. Thankfully, he didn't try to kiss me. I've never been good at hiding my feelings, and though I really did my best, I'm sure he picked up on my lack of enthusiasm.

I haven't heard from him since.

I'm sorry, Straight Anthony Rapp. There should have never been a second date in the first place.

So what has Doris learned, boys and girls?

If after date one, I'm not hankering to see you again, at least a little, NEXT!

Oh, and dude needs a good voice.