Yes That's All There Is, by Doris

Back in November, Rock approached me about embarking on a dating odyssey and blogging about it. Little did I know this was a trick to get me to, you know, date.

And it worked. Rock, you are a coy bastard.

I'm not ending the six months with a boyfriend, or even a boy toy. But I am ending with a new freedom.

I haven't forgotten Excalibur. I still miss him sometimes. Maybe that will never fully go away.

I still don't know what will happen with Jim Berger. I'm attracted and he's fun, but he's also hot-and-cold and I'm not sure if it's worth the drama. As of now, it's still very much will-they-or-won't-they? And I'm okay with that.

I've been stood up. I've dated guys I shouldn't be dating. I've lusted after coworkers, had ex run-ins, drunk texts and awkward phone calls, and I still don't know whether finding The One will ever be a priority for me.

I've also found the freedom to openly write about my past, which had been an issue for me. And I've found my writing (both on this blog and in other outlets under my real name) has an honesty it's previously lacked.

So thank you. For reading, for commenting, for being in the dating trenches with Rock and me.

This morning on my Facebook feed, there was a quote from The L Word: "And as they say, men come and go, but your friends are forever."

With friends like Rock, I'll never be alone.

Be well, in love and in life.

Au revoir,

Doris

Plans, by Doris

We have plans, Jim Berger and I.

To go out in public and do something. Together.

I realize I should probably cut my losses. Get out while I still can. Go out to a bar and hit on bloated frat boys or douchey hipsters.

Every time I realize this, I get another cute email. Have another fun conversation about Henry Darger or living in France. Smile yet again at something funny one of us said. Have two more hours of drunk texts (happened again last night).

The invitation unfolded organically. We were emailing back and forth yesterday: he was at work, I was running around doing errands after dance class.

He mentioned wanting to see a show. I said I was planning on going, which was true, if he wanted to join.

His words: "I'm in."

It's not for three weeks. I fully realize he could flake out on me before then.

Because Jim Berger is kind of a flake. I realize this. I know I shouldn't invest a lot of emotion in something that will likely go nowhere.

However.

He is cute. He is easy to talk to. He is there. He is making difficult workdays easier, just by being himself.

And right now, that is good enough for me.

Game Over, Man, by Doris

Last Jim Berger post ever, I swear:

So it's been over a week and no response to my "should we schedule a time to hang out?" email. Yet he's "liked" most of my Facebook posts and of course we've seen each other at work.

If we were in junior high, I could maybe forgive this.

He's 36.

Then this morning, I had to get something from him for our boss. We had a really nice face-to-face conversation. Then he sent me an email. Not acknowledging last week or anything (even though it was the same email thread. Seriously). Just a message related to something we had just discussed.

It's settled: this is a work friendship and nothing more.

Note: I'm almost completely sure he is still hung up on his ex-girlfriend. It's her last day in the office, as she's accepted a position elsewhere. It'll be interesting to see whether he starts communicating with me more once she is gone.

His loss. We have a lot in common and could have had a really nice friendship or friends-with-benefits deal. Hell, I told Rock that I would have been Jim Berger's rebound, as long as he was honest about it.

However, I don't have the time or the energy to decode mixed messages.

All he had to do was respond to last week's email with a "you know, I'm really not comfortable hanging outside of the office right now," or even a noncommittal, "I'll check my schedule and get back to you" if he wanted to let me off easy. If he didn't want to email, there is texting. There is coming to my desk and saying, "can I talk to you for a second?"

But no. There was no response, and a week and a half later it's like it never happened.

Over.

Speak for Someone You Don't Know, by Doris

So I think Jim Berger's a no-go.

I've had the feeling this whole week that it's shit or get off the pot time. Quite honestly, I'm tired of going back and forth. In an ideal world, I'd wait until his ex-girlfriend left the office in two weeks, but a) that feels really, really calculated, and b) I've never been good at waiting.

Let me stress first that it's FINE. I'm FINE. Some interactions don't go outside the office, for whatever reason. I'm a grown-up. I can handle it.

I had a really shitty morning yesterday. Nothing major, just a little inconvenience that became a big one. As someone who struggled with a bout of depression this past year, I try to be extra aware of these times of stress, so I can do things to improve my mood rather than stew in my own pissed-off juices, the latter of which is unproductive and unhealthy.

So I texted a friend and made a plan to see a movie the next night. (Turns out she was having a bad morning too.) And then, I emailed Jim and asked if he wanted to have a drink with me.

This last part, I had figured out with Rock. It sounded informal and off the cuff enough, but I had to remember not to take it personally if he was busy. As Rock reminded me, my own schedule is crazy and 90% of the time when someone asks me to hang out in a matter of hours, I have something else going already.

So he said no, he was baby-sitting and had a deadline.

I emailed back no worries, I know how crazy schedules can be. Should we plan for another time?

Haven't heard back.

And I'm done.

Again, it's FINE. I'm not mad. I'm maybe a little hurt, but whatever. It would have been nice to hang out even as friends but maybe he is not comfortable with that, and he has every right to his feelings.

Here's the thing, though:

I think he's still hung up on his ex.

DISCLAIMER: This is pure, unadulterated speculation on my part. I wasn't in that relationship. I don't know the circumstances. What follows is all personal theory, based on how I've seen them interact and what I know about exes.

Don't get me wrong, I believe exes can be friends. I think it's terrific when they can. I also applaud Jim Berger and his ex for always, always keeping it professional in the office, both when they were together and when they split up. Especially when the breakup was happening, you would have never known it was going on. Good for them.

I don't think his ex is intentionally leading him on...I know my friend, and I don't think she'd do that. I'm sure she thinks they really are good friends (and again, maybe they are, in which case he is a highly evolved straight man).

But...I know straight men. I know of ex friendships. Even Dan Savage, who is good friends with a couple of his exes, says that it's almost necessary to have a period where you don't hang out or even speak (and again, I acknowledge this is almost impossible for them in a small office environment).

If two exes are good friends immediately after the breakup, it poses one of two questions: a) are they still sleeping together?, or b) is one hoping to get back with the other?

She's moved on, so I'm almost certain it's not a). And here's the thing about straight guys (which I've experienced firsthand)...many of them will hang in there as your "friend" if they think there's potential for something more on the horizon. Just based on what I have witnessed, I would bet that's what Jim Berger was doing.

And I don't hold it against him, but I also don't need that shit.

Again, I'm not excessively bitter. That said, I did want to vent a little bit, and blogs are good for that. So thank you for listening to my rant.

Over and out.

Open Arms and Prison Cells, by Doris

The past few days have been a bit rough, for various reasons. One of the bright spots? None other than Jim Berger.

I really thought we were done emailing, so I was pleasantly surprised to find a cute message from him in my in-box Saturday morning.

And very soon, I am going to take the initiative and step it up.

I had this big come to Jesus moment on Friday night. What the hell have I got to lose? Absolutely nothing.

Especially since his ex just put in her two weeks' notice.

If you've been keeping up with The Story of Jim Berger and His Ex Aka Doris' Friend, you know this was a BIG factor in my moving so slowly. Granted, he could also be hesitant about hooking up with yet another coworker. He could not be into me that way at all.

Or he could be your classic clueless straight guy.

Back in grad school, a friend (a straight guy himself) told me that straight guys can be inherently stupid when it comes to knowing a girl is interested. I remember my friend saying, "The only way I know for sure a girl is interested is if she tells me, and even then I'm like, 'What? You like ME? Really?'"

So I'm slowly starting to step it up a bit.

Yesterday, I invited him to a show Rock and I were attending that night. Now, I wasn't going to be surprised if he said no, because: a) this was really really short notice, b) the show was very late at night, and c) it was a drag show, which isn't exactly a big comfort zone for many straight guys. The invitation was just a casual, natural segue in our email conversation, so I figured why not?

I was pleasantly surprised to not only get a "maybe" (because he was going to be at a dinner party where a lot of alcohol would be served, and he wasn't sure if he'd be up to it by then), but a revelation that Jim Berger himself used to regularly dress in drag with his band.

Which is just badass, and is further proof I want him in my life, even if it's only platonic.

The thing is, I like being the one who's asked. That said, I've dealt with shy/clueless guys before, and I'm not great at waiting. I really don't want to pass up the opportunity for what could be a fun relationship or a great friendship. And I'm talking about sending a text and/or seeing if he wants to see a movie this week. Not sitting outside his apartment singing love songs.

He gave me his number, which in my experience guys don't do if they don't want you contacting them. Could be he is deliberately leaving the ball in my court to see what I will do.

So I'm going to text.

Worst case scenario: he politely rebuffs me, I'm embarrassed for a couple of days, then we move on and everything's back to normal.

Wish me luck.

Stop Doing Everything Right, by Doris

During a 20-minute interaction this morning, Jim Berger:

1. Listened to me blather to a coworker about what I liked and didn't like about a film, plus interesting trivia, and didn't seem to think I was a blowhard (plus revealed he once interviewed the film's director).

2. When I mentioned I took dance, said he was a fan of my dance teacher, before knowing she was my teacher.

3. Asked me how I liked the British costume drama I saw the other night, and admitted to being the only guy in the theatre when he saw it.

Also, after a fairly shitty argument with a friend last night, I checked my email to find a message from him.

I am giggling and singing to myself. Not good.

He gets until the middle of next week to take the initiative, then I'm asking him to hang out.

I can't pass up this opportunity, even if it just turns out to be friendship. It's really tough to initiate a platonic deal with a straight guy when he's just started a new relationship. New girlfriends tend not to like new girl friends.

Dial A for Awkward, by Doris

Last night I finally worked up the nerve to call Hunter Parrish. Rock had told me that email or texting was bad form, and HP didn't have my phone number, so I felt I had no other choice.

Rock, I love ya, but I'm texting or emailing next time.

As I've expressed before, I'm just not good on the phone with people I don't know. That doesn't apply to work situations: I can phone-schmooze with the best of them, when the occasion calls for it, because I have a specific purpose. Even at work, however, I prefer email.

But Hunter Parrish is cute, so I sucked it up and dialed his number.

I prayed to the Flying Spaghetti Monster for voicemail, so I could leave a message with my number and leave the ball in his court. No awkwardness!

And I almost got my wish.

Four rings...

"Hello?"

Shit.

Most. Awkward. Three minutes. Of my life.

I know I keep saying "awkward" and I want to yell at myself to get a thesaurus, but there really is no other word.

Remember, I talked to this guy at a bar for ten minutes. I have no idea what his personality is like. I don't even know whether he gave me his card to get away from me (although I don't think so, generally straight guys don't give you their contact info if they don't want you contacting them).

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is just as dorky on the phone as I am. Also, he was on his break from one of his three jobs and I think I caught him off-guard.

(That said, dude, why didn't you just screen the call? I almost always do that when I don't recognize the number, as does Rock.)

Mercifully, his break ended (at least that's what he said, and I was more than fine with that), but he said he'd call later in the week so we could set up a time to hang out.

Because he now has my number, the ball is in his court.

Honestly, his personality doesn't seem all that great--then again, we've interacted very little. I won't be heartbroken if I never hear from him again.

On the other hand, if I DO hear from him...

I'd totally hit that.

I mean, HE LOOKS LIKE HUNTER PARRISH.

He Likes Jane Austen, by Doris

Still haven't called Hunter Parrish. Probably will tonight. I intended to last night, but I'm taking some much needed "me-time" and didn't want the stress that goes with calling a boy who gave you his card at a bar three days ago. Which hasn't happened to me in a looong time, I might add.

As for Jim Berger...the short but cute emails keep coming, back and forth, fast and furious. We're into a lot of the same things. He can cook and bake really well, and I want to ask him to teach me but I'm too shy to do so (and that's a lot to ask of someone). We've both gotten a little teasing and flirty the way you only can in writing.

This has been going on for over a week. I keep waiting for it to stop. It doesn't.

At this point, I know Rock will yell at me to do something about it. To call or text, as I now have his number which he freely gave to me. To just freaking ask if he wants to see a movie, grab a coffee or a drink, go to a play (yes, he likes going to the theatre. Fuck me).

I want to make it clear: Rock has a very valid point.

I just want Jim to be the one who initiates.

There are a few reasons for this: my sister and I were saying last night that maybe it makes us bad feminists, but we like it when a guy makes the first move, even if it's just platonic. There's something about feeling wanted, whether it's by a friend or a potential makeout buddy.

Also, there's the elephant in the room known as his ex-girlfriend who's also my friend.

Again, even if it turns out to be platonic, I don't want it to look like I was biding my time until the breakup so I could pursue him. That's not true at all, but let's face it: in awkward relationship situations, whether it's straight-up cheating or more of a gray area, the woman gets blamed. Hell, I've blamed the woman several times before, in situations with friends and in my own life--I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

It's frustrating. I feel like we're now going back and forth, like "your move." "No, YOUR move." I wish I could make it clear that I will say yes, I won't turn him down, and I will take his cues. If he wants to be friends, that's totally cool (and it really is, I've crushed on all my straight guy friends at some point and it always, always passes once we spend some time together). If he wants to go for more...well, I won't stop him.

And I almost know that if I called, or texted, or even asked to hang out, he'd be very receptive. That said, if he asks me, calls me, texts me, I'll know he's not humoring me. Does that make sense?

I haven't said this until now, but the other day I remembered how I initially felt about Excalibur, in those halcyon days when I was pretty sure he liked me but didn't know 100%. I remember thinking he was really funny and cool and we had things in common, and if he wasn't into me like that, I'd be completely fine being his friend. I just wanted him in my world.

It's been almost 15 years, but now I feel that way about Jim Berger.

I just want him in my world.

Cue toughlove comment from Rock in 3, 2...

So Wrong Yet So Right, by Doris

Quick updates:

1. Bonding with a guy over Danny Pudi (comedic genius) via OKCupid messaging. He also correctly guessed the origin of my screen name. Granted, this can be accomplished via Google, but still, points for effort!

2. Trying to arrange a meetup time with Wings. Feels like we've been messaging forever, as I had to take a little break to get some personal stuff in order.

3. This guy sent me a "ur hot" message. Normally that is a dealbreaker. Then I saw his six-pack. I messaged him back.

4. Had a great conversation with a coworker (not Jim Berger) about exes, craving alone time, and hearing your neighbors have sex. Nothing romantic, just fun to bond over stupid dating and relationship stories.

5. Speaking of JB, he sent me a cute email and referred to me as Ms. Doris. MS. Sa-fucking-WOON.

Oh, and this song is playing in the coffee shop and I love it.

Catholic Guilt, by Doris

I was baptized Catholic and went to parochial school from kindergarten to twelfth grade. Now I only go to Mass when I'm with my family because it makes them happy.

Yet Catholic guilt is a bitch to let go. And believe me, I've tried.

Last night I met up with The Hair at this really cool bar in his neighborhood that I've always wanted to try. The bar did not disappoint. Neither did the conversation, which was really fun and not at all one-sided and ranged from conservative family values to why e-readers are so awesome.

I wish, wish, wish I could feel something for this guy. I don't. Hence the Catholic guilt.

Really, I shouldn't have gone on this date at all. I know with the second date it's okay to still be figuring things out, but I'd pretty much already decided there would be no third date. I felt mean. At the same time, I didn't want to act distant and be rude.

He had a second drink, but I did not because a) the drinks were expensive, and b) I have a very low tolerance for alcohol and I needed to get up for work the next morning. He asked if I wanted to take a walk in the park, and I politely said no because, again, I had to work the next morning and if public transportation was slow it could take me up to an hour to get home. (Both of these were true. I just didn't mention that I've happily stayed out late on weeknights before.)

Oh, and he paid and didn't make a big deal out of it, which made me feel worse.

Outside the bar, I think he wanted to go for a kiss, but I gave him a hug instead. Again, I feel mean. But I think it would be meaner to lead him on.

Rock says this is part of the game, and I get that. This is just the first guy I've gone out with where I genuinely wish I could feel something.

We We We So Not Excited, by Doris

I'll keep this short, but I'm supposed to see The Hair tonight (we rescheduled from Friday). We are going to a bar in his neighborhood I've always wanted to go to, which is a plus.

And I can think of a million things I'd rather be doing.

He is perfectly nice, but a) I get the feeling he's way more excited about this than I am, and b) he called me "pretty girl" in a text.

Now, I know we've only been on one date and many girls like that kind of thing and he doesn't know me well enough to know this, but:

I don't really go for those kind of endearments. It just squicks me out even if the guy is not squicky.

I'm going to try to keep an open mind, but honestly it will probably be one drink and go.

Will report back.

(P.S. Did anyone see Parks and Recreation? Did anyone else have a REALLY hard time believing Leslie was the only one opposed to those two getting married? Though I did love her line about falling for the Civil War re-enactor.)

The Safety Dance, by Doris

So The Hair and I are scheduled to go out tomorrow night, have a glass of wine and maybe see a movie. Between working long hours (with more to come this weekend!) and preparing to move apartments, I am suspecting a glass or two of wine may be all I can handle. We'll see. I'd be very surprised if a third date comes of this--he's really nice, but I just can't get all that excited--but I am trying to keep an open mind.

I'm also messaging with a guy I'll call Wings because he and I both enjoy eating wings. The messages are very looong so I'm hoping we'll meet up soon.

And in the meantime...

Remember my friend's ex, who's also my friend, for whom I've had feelings in the past?

Let's call him Jim Berger. Jim as in Jim and Pam from The Office, because he works with me (though not in the same department). Berger as in Jack Berger from Sex and the City, because he is a writer (though to my knowledge, he has not dumped anyone via Post-It).

Can you tell Rock and I like TV?

So he's a quiet guy, laid-back, sweet. I've known him for several years but have gotten to know him better in the past year when we worked on a couple of projects together and he started dating my friend (also a coworker). We're both writers, like the theatre and movies, have stuff in common.

He's always been very complimentary of my writing--not this blog, which he doesn't know exists, but some of my other stuff on the Web. And he's an excellent writer and has a nice little freelance career going, so I value those compliments. He's said my writing style makes him want to improve his own, which, WOW. He's also trying to help me score some freelance gigs of my own, which is really nice considering how competitive the market can be.

And lately...there's been this energy between us.

Nothing too drastic. Just more chatting, some Facebook messaging, emails back and forth. Shy smiles. That sort of thing. Just a wee bit more than friendly.

I'm not delusional. I don't think this is going to lead to anything. I think we are both stressed out about various life-y things right now, and feel comfortable with each other.

And sometimes that's enough.

Energy manifests in different ways. I mean, Rock and I had energy from day one. Not a romantic energy, but it led to a friendship going on eleven years. Having energy with someone doesn't mean you're going to sleep with them. Or that you even want to. (Okay, I wouldn't be opposed in this case. But anyway...)

I'm not going to stop dating people or pine away for this dude. But I'm going to enjoy what we've got.

'Cause I don't know what Jim Berger's opinion is, but I think this is damn nice.

Maybe Let's Stop Whining, by Doris

Sorry for the Katherine Heigl-esque post yesterday, everyone.

Anyway, I just messaged The Hair and said yes to a second date. I've also been messaging back and forth with a really nice guy who, like me, loves to eat wings.

Also, for the first time ever, I messaged ALL THREE of my Quiver matches (where you're matched up by the OKCupid-bot or whatever). Including the one who's all "I'm way too good for this self-masturbatory online crap." And yes, I refrained from asking, "then why are you on OKCupid?"

Life ain't so bad.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?, by Doris

So remember The Hair, the guy I very briefly talked about before I immediately jumped into stressing about my attraction to my friend's ex-boyfriend?

Me neither.

The reason I didn't talk about the date that much is because, really, there wasn't much to talk about. We met up for coffee, had a nice conversation, hugged good-bye. He said he'd like to hang out again, I said sure. It wasn't until four or five days later I realized I hadn't heard from the guy.

Four or five days.

At that point I barely remembered I had a date with him. So it was probably better he didn't follow up, right?

That's what I thought, and then I heard from him again. Apparently he got pretty sick right after our date (don't know whether I believe that, don't really care. At least he acknowledged he hadn't contacted me). He apologized, wants to get together again.

What do I do, you guys?

Yes, there's one other guy I'm messaging with who I think has potential, but other than that the dudes aren't exactly banging down my door a la Rock. I've done some messaging here and there, but haven't heard back from most of the guys. I'm going to try to put in some more time on OKCupid this weekend.

In other words, I don't want to be TOO picky. And it's true, this guy was a lot easier to talk to than Straight Anthony Rapp, so I don't think a second date would be nearly as awkward. It's just...meh. I'm not excited, and aren't you supposed to be a little excited this early in the game? Then again, I don't want to miss out on anything.

Thoughts?

To Branch Out or Not to Branch Out, by Doris

Okay, I lied. Rock and I didn't get married. April Fool!

What I wasn't foolin' about, though, was my frustration with OKCupid. Four months on it and I keep getting the same dudes, over and over. It's a little discouraging. Are my tastes really that limited?

So I'm thinking (just thinking) of branching out. I don't want to pay through the nose, and I already know some of the sites are not right for me. Match.com, definitely not. eHarmony, hell to the no. A friend is now on chemistry.com and hasn't had a great experience. As I am not a gay man, Connexion is out.

Nerve.com looks kinda promising, as do a couple of other sites.

So daters and datees, any advice? Have you had good/bad experiences with any of the above or any I may have missed? Leave a comment!

Oh Happy Day, by Doris

After four months on OKCupid, I have to say, I'm discouraged by what I see.

I mean, really. Married dudes who pull disappearing acts! Rent-star look-alikes with funny voices and awkward demeanors! Hipsters upon hipsters upon hipsters, some of whom wear purple pants!

That's not to say my offline life's any better. I mean, I've got ex run-ins in the supermarket parking lot, good on paper platonic pals, and crushes on friends' former lovers!

Between walled-up preppies, dudes who text mid-date, and faux Spaniards, Rock's fed up too.

So we made it official.

Last night, Rock and Doris flew to Vegas and got married.

To each other.

We will enjoy a long sexless life of brunches, showtunes, white wine and well-decorated apartments.

Cue the Mendelsohn!

Impure Thoughts, by Doris

So last night I went on a date, with a performance artist I'll call The Hair (because in his OKCupid profile, his hair was different in every picture). We went to a coffeehouse in the most hipster part of the city, where even I, perfectly hipster in my own neighborhood, feel like I've stepped out of the pages of The Preppy Handbook.

It was fun. We talked about trashy gay soap operas and he tried to convert me to Dr. Who. Not sure if I felt any real energy, but I'd be willing to go on a second date to find out. We'll see what happens.

Then today, I found out two of my friends broke up.

I'd been suspecting something was up: they suddenly decided not to move in together. Their Facebook profiles (yes, I'm just that nosy) no longer had "in a relationship," and he changed his profile pic from a photo of the two of them to one of just himself. She gave me a ride today and I asked, wanting to be supportive.

Sure enough, they are no longer.

I'm sad. I like them both a lot, and thought they had a really nice energy together.

If only the story ended there.

Remember when I told my friend I'd once crushed on her boyfriend?

This is the couple.

Or rather, the former couple.

Now, before you're all "Doris you slut, you're not even thinking about going after this guy when you're friends with him and his ex-girlfriend, and you've actually been friends with the ex-girlfriend longer, you giant whorebag, wasn't making out with a married dude enough?"--hear me out.

I'm not even thinking about it.

Or rather, I AM, and I kind of hate myself for it.

I would never, ever, ever do something like that to a friend.

And the guy and I aren't right for each other. He is a boyfriend with a capital B, and also constantly has his head in the clouds. I'd alternately feel smothered and ignored.

I'd love to have a friend with benefits who was actually a friend, though. And it's so nice to think about not going on awkward first dates for a while.

Yes, it's crossing my mind. Even though I'd never take it beyond abstract thought, it's the goddamn pink elephant in the room and my self-loathing is at an all-time high. So much that I almost didn't blog about it, then I realized this is EXACTLY the thing I need to blog about.

I'm also guessing that since y'all kept reading after my dalliance with the Russian, you won't hate on me too much for just having thoughts about my friend's ex-boyfriend.

Arrrgh. Off to take a walk and clear my head.

SWF Seeks FWB...I Think, by Doris

Like Rock, I was sick this past week. We had nonrefundable theatre tickets on Thursday night, which resulted in me holding my head and him painfully clearing his throat for the entire play. I am feeling better, though. And the play was very good.

In his sick post, Rock expressed a wish for an intimate relationship, where he can really let his guard down and allow someone to take care of him.

I too am seeking something steady, but not nearly as intimate.

Basically, I want a friend with benefits.

I think.

I'd really like something steady, but just fun. A step above booty call but below casual dating. Or is it considered casual dating if I also want to go to the movies or for coffee every once in a while?

It gets a little confusing.

You see, I am busy, both with work and with pursuing interests outside of work. At this point I don't have the schedule or the attention span for a full-on exclusive see-you-all-the-time deal.

I've done the FWB thing (and yes, I prefer "friends with benefits" to "fuckbuddy," Dan Savage be damned. I do think there is a difference). At its best, it was great: good sex, awesome conversation, and we always watched movies or something afterwards. It was never fuck and run.

At its worst, I felt used. He wanted to see me when HE wanted to see me. When I was busy or tired, he'd persist. Not in a rape-y way, but it got annoying. But it hardly ever worked out the other way around. Also, he sometimes didn't want me around his friends. That hurt.

Finally, when it ended, I didn't find out from him.

So here's what I'd like. I am writing it down and putting it out in the universe:

1. Steady and great sex.

2. Fun conversation.

3. Hanging out, sometimes in public. I don't have to meet all your friends, but I also don't want to be your dirty secret. This is 2011. There have been at least two mainstream movies about friends with benefits. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

4. On my terms too. If I want to hang out and you're busy, that's one thing, but I don't want the power trip of you always having to be the aggressor.

5. If and when it ends because one of us meets somebody or just gets tired of the other person, WE TALK ABOUT IT. At least a "hey, it's been great but I'm seeing someone else and I think it might get serious" text or email. Preferably a phone call. But don't just never contact me again. That is rude.

6. While we're on the subject, seeing other people is okay. Just always wrap it up, and don't text or call other girls when you're hanging out with me. I will extend you the same courtesy.

7. Also okay? Drunk booty calls. But not every damn time.

But how does one advertise for a FWB?

Maybe I'm weird, but I feel like this kind of thing almost has to be organic. Like someone you meet at a bar or through friends, where the energy is there but you don't want anything long-term. Or even someone you meet online, ditto. But it has to start as something else--a friendship or a date.

I think this would be easier if I were a guy. As a girl, though, I worry about expressing this on my OKC profile. It's like saying I want casual sex--I'm afraid I'll get messages from perverts or douchebags who see "friends with benefits" as a euphemism for "sleep with her once and disappear." Or even "wow, she'll sleep with me on the first date." No. I am a "coffee first" kinda gal. After all, even "fuckbuddy" has the term "buddy" in it. There has to be a measure of respect.

So what do y'all think? Should I include this in my profile? Or keep on the short-term dating train in hopes of meeting someone who fits my FWB criteria?

GOP Responds, by Doris

I took Rock's advice and returned Good on Paper's Facebook message. After some small talk about other things, I wrote the following:

I really appreciate and value your friendship. I know our connection in grad school didn't pan out, and I'm very glad we were able to remain friends and keep in touch. However, some of your comments lately have got me thinking that you're still hoping there's something there. Unfortunately, it just isn't there for me. Sorry to have to articulate it, but it'll be easier for me to focus on our friendship if I know you're aware of this.

That was last night. This morning, I received a reply:

Your friendship means a lot to me. Some of my comments are flirt-acious [sic]. I'm not trying to re-kindle a connection. I hope this next part makes sense; I feel I could explain it better talking rather than writing. You're very easy to flirt with. You have a lot a great characteristics that I like. So I feel comfortable flirting with you. It's how I show I care. I don't realize I'm doing it a lot of the times. I'll try to be more aware of it, so you won't feel uncomfortable. I am a guy though, so you'll probably need to point it out... and be ready to forgive me when I put my foot in my mouth.

Very courteous and mature and GOP. The reply doesn't surprise me a bit.

However, I don't 100% buy it.

He is a friendly, sometimes flirtatious guy, it's true. However, his behavior around me in the past, plus our history, leads me to believe it's not just friendly flirting. In fact, call me presumptuous, but I KNOW it hasn't been purely friendly. He was never creepy or overly pushy, but when I laughed and rolled my eyes, he'd press on.

Yeah. There was definitely more than a friend vibe on his end.

However, I'm not going to argue. I'm going to let him think I totally believe he just sees me as a friend.

Because letting one save face is what a friend does.

Good on Paper, by Doris

So I know Rock and I make it out to be like Excalibur was my one and only.

In reality, I have a few Evil Exes of my own. One who just won't go away.

Let's call him Good on Paper, or GOP.

I met GOP in my first year of grad school, when he lived down the hall from me. He was cute. Very sweet and funny. Bogged down with the same intense workload. Accessible, physically and emotionally.

I flirted. He flirted. Eventually we embarked on a very casual dating relationship.

And Excalibur got jealous.

Granted, Excalibur was my EX at the time. He didn't want to fully commit, and was in fact also seeing other people. However, he didn't like the idea of me with GOP. Even at the time, I knew how ridiculous this was, but I kind of enjoyed feeling so wanted.

Then I slept with Excalibur. I don't consider it cheating, as GOP and I were very, very casual--remember, we were in grad school and had a lot of other demands on our time. We were nowhere near having the exclusivity talk.

Nonetheless, I broke it off with GOP. I did this very immaturely, just sort of acted distant and mean until he got the hint. I wasn't in a good place in my life--that's not an excuse, but it's an explanation.

I felt guilty about this for years, and eventually apologized to GOP. We took very different career paths but have stayed in touch.

And I think he's still in love with me.

I had dinner with him a couple of years ago, and had to make it clear we weren't going to hook up. He wasn't pushy, but had communicated he was up for it. I used the excuse that I just didn't feel right about it because of other things going on in my life.

Lately, it's the little things that are adding up. I've gotten the occasional flirty drunk text. When I had a question requiring professional expertise I don't have, I posted it on Facebook. One friend messaged me. GOP called me. GOP's been commenting on a LOT of my status updates lately. Then, when I posted about being stressed, he sent me a message asking if I was okay.

All very nice, and could be construed as just being a good friend. I get that.

So I messaged back that I was fine, thank you for asking, and how are you?

Probably shouldn't have done that.

I get back a long message about how he's stressed too, but will be up for hugs and long walks on the beach in a few weeks ("just in case you are interested"). And then: "Can we get together when things slow down? If you say yes, I'll have plenty of motivation for the upcoming weeks."

If it were just one thing, I would take this as GOP being a good friend.

But everything added up? Yikes.

Here's the thing I've probably known for years but hit me like a ton of bricks when I got this message:

I wish I could like GOP. I really do. It would make everything so much easier, and he'd make a great boyfriend.

However, I just don't have those feelings. There is absolutely no zsa zsa zsu. I have a friend vibe with him that once upon a time I mistook for something romantic. If I'd felt romantic about him, at this time or ever, I would have done something about it. Back in grad school, Excalibur was the catalyst. He wasn't the whole reason. If I'd had strong enough feelings or saw enough potential in GOP, Excalibur wouldn't have been an issue.

I have a feeling GOP sees this as a timing issue. In grad school, I was overwhelmed academically and still hung up on my ex. A couple of years ago, I was dealing with other issues. Now, I'm happy and functional. I think GOP sees this as an opportunity to re-ignite.

In a romantic comedy, GOP would do borderline-stalker things to win me over and it would work.

In real life, I can't force the zsa zsa zsu.

So I'm thinking a reply is in order. I need to get across in the nicest way possible that I see him as a friend, and this will not change.

But how do I word it? Ideas?