Real Thing vs. Best Thing

After a delightful date on Tuesday (he made me pizza with homemade dough and my favorite toppings, then we listened to music and played Scrabble), I haven't gotten a chance to talk to 2.0 other than texts and emails since. I miss the sound of the voice. I need it. I can hear that everything is okay and wonderful in the subtext and I don't get insecure. But I'm in a little bit of a mood right now, and as is on his way (we're supposed to get naked and get down (sorry for the TMI), then go to dinner and a concert at a coffee shop. It sounds perfect, but whether it's my insecurities, my fear that he's illogically decided things are working out in the past 48 hours, or just that I'm tired, I'm not in the mood, I'm not ready for him to come over.

And I'm so damn self-aware that I can't just be in a bad mood when he gets here. I don't want to be unattractive, so I'll put on a show. But what's more unattractive, insincerity or a little bit of grumpiness?

I want to be cheered up, but I don't want to know that I want to be cheered up.

Part of the issue is the planned sex (see, I brought it up for a reason). I like it to happen naturally. If I'm not in the mood, I'm not going to want to go there. I want him to get me there, but first I have to cheer up and wake up.

I'm really afraid I'm going to fuck this all up. I know what kind of person I want to be, I'm good at presenting that person at the beginning of a new relationship, and then the cracks begin to show.

God forbid someone love me despite these flaws. I don't know if that's something I'm interested in. I want someone to expect as much from me as I expect from myself.

I'm kind of just waiting for him to tell me he's not into me anymore. And I'm realizing how many issues I have from EE#5 that I haven't really had to deal with before (I wasn't that invested in EE#6). And I'm realizing that these issues could be the catalyst to the end so I should just get over it.

The funny thing is, I'm not 100% sold on him yet. He's shown a few cracks as well. Just a few. But I'm a lot more forgiving of him than I am of myself.