Impure Thoughts, by Doris

So last night I went on a date, with a performance artist I'll call The Hair (because in his OKCupid profile, his hair was different in every picture). We went to a coffeehouse in the most hipster part of the city, where even I, perfectly hipster in my own neighborhood, feel like I've stepped out of the pages of The Preppy Handbook.

It was fun. We talked about trashy gay soap operas and he tried to convert me to Dr. Who. Not sure if I felt any real energy, but I'd be willing to go on a second date to find out. We'll see what happens.

Then today, I found out two of my friends broke up.

I'd been suspecting something was up: they suddenly decided not to move in together. Their Facebook profiles (yes, I'm just that nosy) no longer had "in a relationship," and he changed his profile pic from a photo of the two of them to one of just himself. She gave me a ride today and I asked, wanting to be supportive.

Sure enough, they are no longer.

I'm sad. I like them both a lot, and thought they had a really nice energy together.

If only the story ended there.

Remember when I told my friend I'd once crushed on her boyfriend?

This is the couple.

Or rather, the former couple.

Now, before you're all "Doris you slut, you're not even thinking about going after this guy when you're friends with him and his ex-girlfriend, and you've actually been friends with the ex-girlfriend longer, you giant whorebag, wasn't making out with a married dude enough?"--hear me out.

I'm not even thinking about it.

Or rather, I AM, and I kind of hate myself for it.

I would never, ever, ever do something like that to a friend.

And the guy and I aren't right for each other. He is a boyfriend with a capital B, and also constantly has his head in the clouds. I'd alternately feel smothered and ignored.

I'd love to have a friend with benefits who was actually a friend, though. And it's so nice to think about not going on awkward first dates for a while.

Yes, it's crossing my mind. Even though I'd never take it beyond abstract thought, it's the goddamn pink elephant in the room and my self-loathing is at an all-time high. So much that I almost didn't blog about it, then I realized this is EXACTLY the thing I need to blog about.

I'm also guessing that since y'all kept reading after my dalliance with the Russian, you won't hate on me too much for just having thoughts about my friend's ex-boyfriend.

Arrrgh. Off to take a walk and clear my head.

Confessions of a Crusher, by Doris

The other day, I admitted to my friend that I'd once crushed on her boyfriend.

This was a conversation I'd hesitated to have for a long time, and had written off as unnecessary (at least without the help of a few cocktails). But here we were, in her car, me spilling my unrequited guts about my in-the-past attraction to her in-the-present sweetie.

Thing is, we all work together. I didn't get to know him for my first couple years of employment--it's a small office, but our paths didn't cross beyond the occasional "hi." Then we started working together on a couple of projects. He was very complimentary of my writing (Way to Doris' Heart #1). He's courteous, enjoys baking, adores movies and has a lovely basso profundo.

And he's straight. When I meet nice, sensitive dudes I get along with, I automatically assume they're gay. Not this dude.

I mean, a crush was inevitable. It was summer. There was some energy. We had stuff in common. I never did much about it and to this day I'm not sure if he figured it out.

Just as inevitable was the fallout. I realized it wouldn't work between us. I'd bulldoze him, he'd drive me crazy with his laid-back vibe. So I took the crush and put it to bed.

A couple months later, he's dating another coworker and friend, and I'm genuinely happy for the both of them. They have a similar energy, and he fits into her life perfectly. It's been really fun to watch.

I always thought it would be weird to tell her that once upon a time, way before they got together, I'd had a bit of a thing for her man. I figured if it ever came up, I'd need some alcohol in me.

But no. It happened very organically. She mentioned finding an email from this past summer where she remarked that, surprisingly, our coworker was turning her on.

I took a chance.

"Funny you said that this summer," I stammered, with a nervous laugh. "'Cause that's when I sort of had a crush on him."

I went on to explain what happened--it was a short-lived thing, went away weeks before they got together, and I couldn't be happier for the both of them. All true. But I still wasn't sure how she'd react.

She laughed.

"How could you NOT crush on him? He's awesome!" said my friend.

And I laughed too. "I know, right? Those brownies were amazing!" Then I took a deep breath. "I'm so glad you're cool with this. I wasn't sure if it would be weird to tell you."

"Nah," replied my awesome friend. "It just means you have good taste."