Impure Thoughts, by Doris

So last night I went on a date, with a performance artist I'll call The Hair (because in his OKCupid profile, his hair was different in every picture). We went to a coffeehouse in the most hipster part of the city, where even I, perfectly hipster in my own neighborhood, feel like I've stepped out of the pages of The Preppy Handbook.

It was fun. We talked about trashy gay soap operas and he tried to convert me to Dr. Who. Not sure if I felt any real energy, but I'd be willing to go on a second date to find out. We'll see what happens.

Then today, I found out two of my friends broke up.

I'd been suspecting something was up: they suddenly decided not to move in together. Their Facebook profiles (yes, I'm just that nosy) no longer had "in a relationship," and he changed his profile pic from a photo of the two of them to one of just himself. She gave me a ride today and I asked, wanting to be supportive.

Sure enough, they are no longer.

I'm sad. I like them both a lot, and thought they had a really nice energy together.

If only the story ended there.

Remember when I told my friend I'd once crushed on her boyfriend?

This is the couple.

Or rather, the former couple.

Now, before you're all "Doris you slut, you're not even thinking about going after this guy when you're friends with him and his ex-girlfriend, and you've actually been friends with the ex-girlfriend longer, you giant whorebag, wasn't making out with a married dude enough?"--hear me out.

I'm not even thinking about it.

Or rather, I AM, and I kind of hate myself for it.

I would never, ever, ever do something like that to a friend.

And the guy and I aren't right for each other. He is a boyfriend with a capital B, and also constantly has his head in the clouds. I'd alternately feel smothered and ignored.

I'd love to have a friend with benefits who was actually a friend, though. And it's so nice to think about not going on awkward first dates for a while.

Yes, it's crossing my mind. Even though I'd never take it beyond abstract thought, it's the goddamn pink elephant in the room and my self-loathing is at an all-time high. So much that I almost didn't blog about it, then I realized this is EXACTLY the thing I need to blog about.

I'm also guessing that since y'all kept reading after my dalliance with the Russian, you won't hate on me too much for just having thoughts about my friend's ex-boyfriend.

Arrrgh. Off to take a walk and clear my head.

SWF Seeks FWB...I Think, by Doris

Like Rock, I was sick this past week. We had nonrefundable theatre tickets on Thursday night, which resulted in me holding my head and him painfully clearing his throat for the entire play. I am feeling better, though. And the play was very good.

In his sick post, Rock expressed a wish for an intimate relationship, where he can really let his guard down and allow someone to take care of him.

I too am seeking something steady, but not nearly as intimate.

Basically, I want a friend with benefits.

I think.

I'd really like something steady, but just fun. A step above booty call but below casual dating. Or is it considered casual dating if I also want to go to the movies or for coffee every once in a while?

It gets a little confusing.

You see, I am busy, both with work and with pursuing interests outside of work. At this point I don't have the schedule or the attention span for a full-on exclusive see-you-all-the-time deal.

I've done the FWB thing (and yes, I prefer "friends with benefits" to "fuckbuddy," Dan Savage be damned. I do think there is a difference). At its best, it was great: good sex, awesome conversation, and we always watched movies or something afterwards. It was never fuck and run.

At its worst, I felt used. He wanted to see me when HE wanted to see me. When I was busy or tired, he'd persist. Not in a rape-y way, but it got annoying. But it hardly ever worked out the other way around. Also, he sometimes didn't want me around his friends. That hurt.

Finally, when it ended, I didn't find out from him.

So here's what I'd like. I am writing it down and putting it out in the universe:

1. Steady and great sex.

2. Fun conversation.

3. Hanging out, sometimes in public. I don't have to meet all your friends, but I also don't want to be your dirty secret. This is 2011. There have been at least two mainstream movies about friends with benefits. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

4. On my terms too. If I want to hang out and you're busy, that's one thing, but I don't want the power trip of you always having to be the aggressor.

5. If and when it ends because one of us meets somebody or just gets tired of the other person, WE TALK ABOUT IT. At least a "hey, it's been great but I'm seeing someone else and I think it might get serious" text or email. Preferably a phone call. But don't just never contact me again. That is rude.

6. While we're on the subject, seeing other people is okay. Just always wrap it up, and don't text or call other girls when you're hanging out with me. I will extend you the same courtesy.

7. Also okay? Drunk booty calls. But not every damn time.

But how does one advertise for a FWB?

Maybe I'm weird, but I feel like this kind of thing almost has to be organic. Like someone you meet at a bar or through friends, where the energy is there but you don't want anything long-term. Or even someone you meet online, ditto. But it has to start as something else--a friendship or a date.

I think this would be easier if I were a guy. As a girl, though, I worry about expressing this on my OKC profile. It's like saying I want casual sex--I'm afraid I'll get messages from perverts or douchebags who see "friends with benefits" as a euphemism for "sleep with her once and disappear." Or even "wow, she'll sleep with me on the first date." No. I am a "coffee first" kinda gal. After all, even "fuckbuddy" has the term "buddy" in it. There has to be a measure of respect.

So what do y'all think? Should I include this in my profile? Or keep on the short-term dating train in hopes of meeting someone who fits my FWB criteria?

Sick as a Dog, by Rock

I've been sick the past few days. While I'm as susceptible to everyone to a cold or allergies, I rarely let it slow me down. I take the pills, tough it out, and go to work or along with my day.

But tonight I called into work for the first time in probably four years. I haven't been bedridden in about two years. And I've spent the past two days mostly cooped up in my studio apartment, watching way too much television.

I usually like to be left alone when I'm sick, but damn it if it wouldn't be nice right now to come over, make me soup, rub my back, and shush off my protests that I don't want to get him sick and he should leave.

I want someone that I would allow to see me vulnerable in a way that I hide from my most of my friends.

That's all. Just a change in priorities right now. At least temporarily, the fear of intimacy is gone.

What I Want, You Got (Hopefully), by Doris

The other night, a commenter on one of my favorite websites, Jezebel, recommended that those looking for love do the following: write down exactly what they want in a partner, being as specific as possible, to put it out in the universe.

(Because Jez sometimes reads my mind, they posted this a couple days ago. The comments are a lot of fun.)

As this is the New Year and I'm looking to change my dating habits (hell, ESTABLISH some dating habits), I thought I'd take this advice.

So without further ado, UNIVERSE, here is what Doris is looking for in a dude:

1. Relatively my age, or an over/under of about five years.
2. Someone I want to have sex with, like all the time. Even if I don't act on it, I want to want to.
3. Someone who wants to have sex with me, like all the time. Even if he doesn't act on it, he wants to.
4. Passionate about something. Music, acting, writing, tattoo artistry, I don't care. It doesn't have to be his livelihood, but it has to be an aspect of his life that makes him clutch his heart he loves it so. As long as said passion is not illegal, racist, perverse or Republican, I'm down. Notice I didn't exclude sports. I personally don't get team fanaticism, but I thought Fever Pitch was a really cute movie.
5. Wants to be healthy and live a long, balanced life. (My dad's side of the family is largely very UNhealthy, so this is a priority for me.)
6. With that in mind, enjoys good food, good alcohol, and a good night of camping in front of the TV. This is where balance comes in.
7. Knows how to cook, and cooks.
8. Ambitious, but with good intentions.
9. Has an interesting job that contributes something positive to the world.
10. Reads. Classics, sci fi, graphic novels, magazines, I don't care. Bonus if he has reading material in the bathroom.
11. Likes to talk, but also likes to listen. Is gifted at both.
12. Has a cool group of friends I get along with. Bonus points if some of the friends are gay.
13. Speaking of, MUST MUST MUST be accepting of others, no matter what color, creed or sexual orientation. Rock is my very best friend. Rock is not going anywhere.
14. Gets along with my friends. Doesn't have to be super buddy buddy with them, but acknowledges and respects their very prominent place in my life.
15. Is content to meet and get to know people. Isn't rushing to acquire the marriage/children/dog/white picket fence combo. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just not for me.
16. Most importantly, realizes I have a life of my own, one that I love and cherish, one that I had way before I met him. Knows he has an important place in this life, but he alone does not make up this life. In other words, respects my identity as an independent woman.

Basically, UNIVERSE, I want Cal Morrisey from Jennifer Crusie's pitch-perfectly fabulous romantic comedy novel Bet Me. Have you read that, UNIVERSE? You should right now. Cal is phenomenal. He fights dyslexia every day as a successful business owner. He has a fantastic group of friends, gay and straight. He dotes on his eight-year-old nephew, but doesn't want kids of his own. He's witty but not pompous. He can cook. He's handsome. He has his faults but by the end of the novel is self-aware and humble. He likes a lady with curves. He likes sex and eating food with said lady.

In short, Cal ROCKS.

UNIVERSE, I want a dude just like him. Ya listening?

Do you have a checklist? Any dealbreakers? Leave a comment!