Do I Do(uche), by Doris

Observations from my first few days on OKCupid:

1. There are a LOT of people looking for love.

2. Some of them are really pretentious.

3. One of them deigned to IM me.

I now give you the story of Dr. Douchebag.

He liked my pics, called me hot. Haven't heard that since the days of Ex-calibur, so I went with it. Even after he gave me crap for not knowing the capital of Qatar. Yes, he's that guy.

Shoulda been my first clue.

What shoulda been my second clue is when he asked for my number AFTER I suggested we meet. Now, I engaged in a discussion (re: friendly argument over beers at our neighborhood dive bar) with Rock and his new friend 2.0 last night about this. I don't want to talk online for weeks and weeks with some dude and get my hopes up, only to meet him and find out the energy's just not there in person. I'd rather figure it out after a few emails.

In short, I wanted to meet this guy and he wanted to talk on the phone with me first.

I said fine, just give me your number and a good time to reach you. He said no, insisted we exchange numbers.

Shoulda been my third clue. You can probably see where this is going.

So it's the next day, 11 a.m. and I'm talking to my coworker. I happen to have my phone with me and it starts vibrating with the sounds of Dr. Douchebag. I could practically hear "capital of Qatar" in the brrr brrr brrr.

This would have been whatever, HAD I NOT TOLD HIM I HAVE A 9-5 JOB.

And the kicker? He didn't even leave a gotdamn message.

Done.

Except not quite.

I'm at a bar last night, gearing up to perform in a dance show, when I get another call, a voice mail, and a text message asking if I had received said voice mail.

Egged on by my fellow dancers, I responded in kind:

"Got your call and voice mail. Thanks, but I think you'd be better off with someone who knows the capital of Qatar. Because I don't, and I am totally cool with that. :)"

Instead of taking my smartass response as a hint, Dr. (Clueless) Douchebag thinks my feelings are hurt by his Big Manly Intellect and sends a looooong text message about how he thinks it's just so awesome I work where I do, and since Qatar was all over the news with the World Cup, he thought my poor little feminine brain would know the capital, and can he buy me a drink to make up for it.

Then he called again and left a voice mail AGAIN. To make sure my texts were still working, I guess.

Rock and 2.0 suggested I ignore it. My very smart roommate said that was only going to encourage Dr. Douchebag. So I sent him this:

"Got your second call and voice mail. Thanks, but this is not going to work. Please do not contact me again." Implied: or I will call the cops on your pretentious stalker ass.

Dr. Douchebag's response, not ten seconds later:

"Our loss."

UGH.

So what has formerly naive, now slightly more savvy Doris learned, boys and girls?

1. It's okay to be picky! Listening to your instincts does not make you a bitch, it makes you smart.

2. Don't give someone your number right away. Especially if they're pushing you into it.

3. There are guys out there who will NOT make fun of your lack of obscure geographical knowledge and your 9-5 office job. Some of whom, in fact, have been messaging you!

Three days in and this online thing is fun, but kind of overwhelming.

No more Dr. Douchebags, though. That skeevy ship has sailed.

Oh I Don't Think Straight With Nothing to Prove, by Doris

So here's the part where (The) Rock and me set goals for each other.

*yoga breath*

Here goes:

Let me say first that I adore Rock.  He is my tall handsome gay.  And more than anything, from the second he told me he liked boys on the way to play rehearsal (because we are all about the cliches), I've just wanted him to be happy.

With that in mind:

I think Rock's standards are at once too low and too high.

He alluded to it in his last post, but let me tell you how I see it.

The way Rock approaches life is full speed ahead.  He wants something, by God he'll work his ass off to get it.  He was valedictorian.  He moved thousands of miles away to pursue a dream, then moved back not because he gave up, but because he wanted a different life. 

This dogged balls-to-the-wall approach (and a healthy dose of oldest-child-overachiever syndrome) is something we share, and a large part of why we've been friends so long.

I just wish he wouldn't apply it to relationships.

Rock wants to settle down.  In pursuit of this goal, he's done an awful lot of settling.  Not that it's always a bad thing: his relationships have made him who he is, and he's met some cool people.  But from what I've seen, he either settles for someone far less than he's happy with, or he settles for an unequal relationship with someone he loves with all his heart and thinks is "the one."  He's determined to make it work, dammit.

To Rock, I say this:

RELAX.

As he's admitted himself, the boy is A-OK with dating.  He's a great boyfriend.  He has no problem meeting people.  However, I want him to go with the flow at least once in the next six months.  To just have fun with a boy without trying to slap a label and/or permanence on it.  To maybe, just maybe, have a fling: something not intense and without an ultimatum or expiration date.  Not a one-night stand, but an ongoing deal where the goal is just to enjoy.

Because I have no doubt he WILL find the mythical One.

He just doesn't need to find him in the next thirty minutes.

NEW IN TOWN, by Doris

"How was your Thanksgiving?"  What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I'm sure I sound defensive right now.  But when you get a random text from the guy you've been seeing on and off for fourteen years, who recently DIDN'T contact you for two months until you found out via your parents and his that he has a "serious girlfriend" and your mom's more broken up about it than you are . . . well, it's kind of a gut reaction.

Me and the dude, let's call him Ex-calibur, we've never exactly been friends.  We met when we were just seventeen (him) and two days shy of sixteen (me).  At that time I was convinced no boy in the world would ever like me, and I was soooo old not to be dating.

Now I see us for the embryos we were.

Did we stay together that long (six years mostly on, eight years mostly off) because it was right, or because it was easy?  I guess I'll never know.  At any rate, I don't know if I've seen the last of Ex-calibur.  He's had serious girlfriends before, has been known to call me--drunk and sober--whenever they have a fight, and then again after the breakup.

And for a long time, that worked for me.

I'll own it.  It was friends-with-benefits in every sense of the word.  He was amazing in bed.  But he was also fun to talk to and snuggle with while watching MST3K (he'd put on the Mike eps for me even though he was strictly a Joel man).  When I lost my job four years ago, he was the first person I got ahold of.  I was there when we were younger and his parents' divorce was incredibly nasty.  We've used each other, fought tooth and nail, disagreed more often than agreed, loved, hated, you name it. 

I'm not a victim.  I was a willing participant.

In the meantime, however, I didn't really date.

While Ex-calibur was getting serially monogamous (sort of), I had various crushes that went nowhere.  Once I slept with one of Rock's friends--this is when Rock and I were living together, which made for an awkward Sunday morning.  I've dallied, made out a little bit, even tried Craigslist (nothin' too dirty).

But dating?  I've always thought it wasn't my thing.

I'm still not convinced.  Six years of being in a serious relationship, when I was very young to boot, has me thinking that I rather like flying solo.  That said, I'd like to get laid again before my thirty-fifth birthday.  And as Rock points out, it's not just the sex.  Sometimes you just want someone to watch MST3K with.

So when Rock, my best buddy of ten years--since I told him Survivor was shit, he accused me of not having a TV, and we just sort of went from there--proposed Our Grand Six Month Dating and Blogging Experiment, I was sorta game.

The very next day, I found out about Ex-calibur's dating situation.  

Now I'm really game.

It's not a revenge thing.  I wish Ex-calibur well.  Though I hope he stops texting me.

Because I want to meet some dudes (surely there are some in this big beautiful city who won't find me totally repulsive).

And for the record?  My Thanksgiving was great.

PROPOSAL, by Rock

25-year-old gay male Rock and 30-year-old straight female Doris, best friends for ten years and counting, will both create profiles on OKCupid. They will commit to going on at least one date every ten days for six months. If ten days pass without a date, Rock and Doris will head to a bar so the “non-dating one” can have a wingman for the evening. Rock and Doris will blog about their experiences for your reading pleasure.