So Wrong Yet So Right, by Doris

Quick updates:

1. Bonding with a guy over Danny Pudi (comedic genius) via OKCupid messaging. He also correctly guessed the origin of my screen name. Granted, this can be accomplished via Google, but still, points for effort!

2. Trying to arrange a meetup time with Wings. Feels like we've been messaging forever, as I had to take a little break to get some personal stuff in order.

3. This guy sent me a "ur hot" message. Normally that is a dealbreaker. Then I saw his six-pack. I messaged him back.

4. Had a great conversation with a coworker (not Jim Berger) about exes, craving alone time, and hearing your neighbors have sex. Nothing romantic, just fun to bond over stupid dating and relationship stories.

5. Speaking of JB, he sent me a cute email and referred to me as Ms. Doris. MS. Sa-fucking-WOON.

Oh, and this song is playing in the coffee shop and I love it.

In Which I Finally Meet Noah Wyle, by Rock

Noah Wyle had continued to text and talk on the phone when he suggested that this past Saturday night I come over after work to watch a movie and drink some wine. He apologized for the familiarity of the first date, but it was about all he could handle with all of the studying for finals (they're still not over). But since his best friend from high school took it upon himself to buy a ticket to visit him the day finals ended, it would probably be a while before he could have a real date and he was anxious to meet me.

I was exhausted as I headed over to meet him on Saturday. Work had been especially long and stressful. I was worried I wouldn't be able to stay awake.

He was visibly nervous as we sat down with some water instead of wine and started trading stories. He was a little different then I imagined. A little dorkier (not necessarily in a bad way). His hair was longer than it had been in most of the pictures (though it looked good). He has a tiny nose stud which I think is awful but maybe it'll grow on me. He was candid and sweet and very nervous about being on a date. Before entering med school he had lived in Hawaii for a year where dating wasn't a priority and then he entered med school and it stayed not a priority, so it had been a while for him.

And here is where I wonder if OKCupid is a good or bad thing. We were rated at a ridiculously high 93% match, 1% enemy. I don't know how far he would have gotten in a bar, but because of the rating I let him get over his nervousness and open up and he won me over.

We turned on a movie and sat close. I moved my arm into that "you can hold my hand if you want" position. He said, "So would it be presumptuous if I held your hand?" I laughed and said I wouldn't mind.

A little farther into the movie, there was some little exchange and I decided to go in for a quick little first kiss. Immediately the fireworks went off and this turned into one of the best make-out sessions of my life. The energy was just there.

Eventually he said that he needed to go to bed, but it was late and I was welcome to spend the night, though he wanted to take things relatively slow with me, and of course I shouldn't feel like I had to. I said I would take him up on the offer, but yes, I agreed that clothes should stay on.

So we made out some more and cuddled and flirted with crossing the line just the right amount. I mentioned that it didn't feel quite like a first date because we had been texting and talking on the phone so much.

He had to wake up early, but he let me stay and sleep in.

He invited me over tonight as well after work in lieu of a proper second date, just because of scheduling. If I get out of work early enough I'm sure I'll head over there. I am looking forward to a proper date. He's pretty new to this city and hasn't had a lot of time to explore. I told him to get ready for a night in which I introduce him to the best neighborhood (mine) along with the best beer, pizza or burger (his choice), ice cream, coffee, and company (mine).

We're headed on the track to something substantial though. We're both acting like it. Take it with a grain of salt, however, since we saw how it went with Charlie after I thought we were off to a good start. Especially since...

Some hesitations.

It's evident that we're both at a place in our life where we want to be in a relationship. I don't want us to be in a relationship just because we want to be. I don't think this would continue to a proposal or anything, but I could see us moving a little too quickly or being a little more enamored than we usually would be. So I'm aware of that.

His body is much better than mine. My fingers were admiring his hard stomach when he exclaimed, "Oh I haven't worked out in two months! I'm in awful shape." I told him to shut up, his body was much better than mine. I will be spending a lot more time in the gym to play catch up. If we end up dating this could be a good motivator. I list it under a hesitation though because it makes me insecure.

He likes to apologize for things and make sure I'm okay with things. "Is my arm okay behind you?" "I'm sorry am I moving too fast?" "Sorry I keep having to pee." "You don't have to come over tonight if you don't feel up to it. I won't be offended." "Sorry I'm shy at first." I have stressed multiple times that if I don't want to do something I won't. I have flat out told him to stop using the word "sorry" and to just relax. He has a grace period where he can be nervous, but I hope he gets over this.

Hopefully tonight will work out and we'll go from there!

Yellow Haired Female Likes Waffles and News, by Doris

So I'm on hookup hiatus for a week or two. I'm moving apartments: within my neighborhood, but still, it's super stressful. And of course there have been some complications and drama with the move. Ugh. I just want to wake up in my new place with all my stuff unpacked: is that too much to ask? I think not!

Haven't heard from The Hair since our last date, making me think he got the hint. I wish him well. He's a nice guy and I'm sure he won't have a problem finding someone who's into him.

With Jim Berger's encouragement, I have started to submit for freelance opportunities. I think about him sometimes when I'm not at work. And please don't yell at me in the comments--I know nothing's going to happen. I'm just at a point where I'm tired of the whole messaging/texting/awkward first dates dance. I really related to last week's Parks and Recreation, where Leslie attempts online dating. Leslie says something like she'd rather have something that wasn't perfect, but that she knew and liked.

Again, I know nothing's going to happen, I know I like it because it's safe and I need to keep putting myself out there. I know all of this.

But I'll own it: sometimes I wish he hadn't dated my friend.

Bullet Points, by Rock

This has been a pretty quiet week on my end. Super busy. I felt like I needed to update though when I had to check to see what my last update was about.

Developments of note:

*Went on a date with a guy off of Scruff. We got along super well... in the most platonic way ever. When he texted the next day to say that he had a good time, I told him I did as well though it felt very platonic. He agreed and we've promised to be friends. We will see if that happens.

*Started emailing and now texting with another med student on OkCupid. He is at the end of the semester so we won't have a first date for a few weeks, but he seems really promising. I just wish we didn't start talking now, because I don't want to run out of steam in the next two weeks. I guess that's really not too far away and I should just be patient. As for now, we've been texting just the right amount. I get excited when I get one. I'm not overloaded with them. As always though, nothing more than cautious optimism until I actually meet him. Also, for as great as he seems, he is short. Call me an ass. Half a foot is a big difference.

*I deleted Scruff and Grindr from my phone. They're time wasters. I haven't had anything remotely close to good luck meeting people on them. I'm only going to get myself in trouble on them. Who knows if they'll be back on my phone eventually, but they are gone for now.

*This guy and I both rated each other highly on quickmatch. He wrote right away to suggest a drink. I logged on to read the message but didn't have time to respond so I was saving it for tonight. I just got ANOTHER message saying that he hoped he didn't come off crazy in the first message and hopes we can hang out sometime. Dude. You didn't seem crazy until you sent the second one. Just lost your chance. I am tempted to write and tell him that.

*I have just been craving alone time and friend time lately. I am pretty first-dated out. I wish I could skip that first month of dating and just be at that comfortable stage. Have someone to cuddle with. Oh well. Can you tell I'm on my second glass of wine?

And that's pretty much it.

Catholic Guilt, by Doris

I was baptized Catholic and went to parochial school from kindergarten to twelfth grade. Now I only go to Mass when I'm with my family because it makes them happy.

Yet Catholic guilt is a bitch to let go. And believe me, I've tried.

Last night I met up with The Hair at this really cool bar in his neighborhood that I've always wanted to try. The bar did not disappoint. Neither did the conversation, which was really fun and not at all one-sided and ranged from conservative family values to why e-readers are so awesome.

I wish, wish, wish I could feel something for this guy. I don't. Hence the Catholic guilt.

Really, I shouldn't have gone on this date at all. I know with the second date it's okay to still be figuring things out, but I'd pretty much already decided there would be no third date. I felt mean. At the same time, I didn't want to act distant and be rude.

He had a second drink, but I did not because a) the drinks were expensive, and b) I have a very low tolerance for alcohol and I needed to get up for work the next morning. He asked if I wanted to take a walk in the park, and I politely said no because, again, I had to work the next morning and if public transportation was slow it could take me up to an hour to get home. (Both of these were true. I just didn't mention that I've happily stayed out late on weeknights before.)

Oh, and he paid and didn't make a big deal out of it, which made me feel worse.

Outside the bar, I think he wanted to go for a kiss, but I gave him a hug instead. Again, I feel mean. But I think it would be meaner to lead him on.

Rock says this is part of the game, and I get that. This is just the first guy I've gone out with where I genuinely wish I could feel something.

We We We So Not Excited, by Doris

I'll keep this short, but I'm supposed to see The Hair tonight (we rescheduled from Friday). We are going to a bar in his neighborhood I've always wanted to go to, which is a plus.

And I can think of a million things I'd rather be doing.

He is perfectly nice, but a) I get the feeling he's way more excited about this than I am, and b) he called me "pretty girl" in a text.

Now, I know we've only been on one date and many girls like that kind of thing and he doesn't know me well enough to know this, but:

I don't really go for those kind of endearments. It just squicks me out even if the guy is not squicky.

I'm going to try to keep an open mind, but honestly it will probably be one drink and go.

Will report back.

(P.S. Did anyone see Parks and Recreation? Did anyone else have a REALLY hard time believing Leslie was the only one opposed to those two getting married? Though I did love her line about falling for the Civil War re-enactor.)

Maybe Let's Stop Whining, by Doris

Sorry for the Katherine Heigl-esque post yesterday, everyone.

Anyway, I just messaged The Hair and said yes to a second date. I've also been messaging back and forth with a really nice guy who, like me, loves to eat wings.

Also, for the first time ever, I messaged ALL THREE of my Quiver matches (where you're matched up by the OKCupid-bot or whatever). Including the one who's all "I'm way too good for this self-masturbatory online crap." And yes, I refrained from asking, "then why are you on OKCupid?"

Life ain't so bad.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?, by Doris

So remember The Hair, the guy I very briefly talked about before I immediately jumped into stressing about my attraction to my friend's ex-boyfriend?

Me neither.

The reason I didn't talk about the date that much is because, really, there wasn't much to talk about. We met up for coffee, had a nice conversation, hugged good-bye. He said he'd like to hang out again, I said sure. It wasn't until four or five days later I realized I hadn't heard from the guy.

Four or five days.

At that point I barely remembered I had a date with him. So it was probably better he didn't follow up, right?

That's what I thought, and then I heard from him again. Apparently he got pretty sick right after our date (don't know whether I believe that, don't really care. At least he acknowledged he hadn't contacted me). He apologized, wants to get together again.

What do I do, you guys?

Yes, there's one other guy I'm messaging with who I think has potential, but other than that the dudes aren't exactly banging down my door a la Rock. I've done some messaging here and there, but haven't heard back from most of the guys. I'm going to try to put in some more time on OKCupid this weekend.

In other words, I don't want to be TOO picky. And it's true, this guy was a lot easier to talk to than Straight Anthony Rapp, so I don't think a second date would be nearly as awkward. It's just...meh. I'm not excited, and aren't you supposed to be a little excited this early in the game? Then again, I don't want to miss out on anything.

Thoughts?

I Really Miss Sleeping, by Rock

Yesterday I was doing some quick matches on OKCupid when I rated this hot guy with the most amazing nose (don't laugh) a 5. I don't do that often. I quickly got a message that he rated me highly as well, followed by a message asking me if I would want to grab a drink sometime. I'm not used to being out right away, I know Doris kind of hates it, but I didn't mind the directness because he was so cute. I told him my schedule was crazy, but if he was patient, I totally would like to grab a drink soon. I gave him my number and soon got a text apologizing for being forward, but would I like to grab a drink that night seeing as he was leaving for out of town the next day. Sure, I said.

We met after work at a relaxed wine bar. We had a pretty good time. I was pretty tired and felt particularly inarticulate. I walked him home and was invited upstairs where we watched a tiny bit of tv. It was clear he didn't want a kiss good night, but did want me to text him when I got home. Which I did, saying that I was intrigued and wouldn't mind a round two. I didn't get a response. Which I didn't lose sleep about.

The Couple also texted me during the day yesterday to make plans for this weekend. I also suggested that they come into my work for drinks and dessert. They did. It was kind of odd to serve them and flirt with both of them, but it was super nice of them to visit. We have plans for Sunday. Not sure exactly what is going on here.

Tonight was round two with Charlie. I can't put my finger on this one. Looks wise, he is a cute little guy but so not my type. Still I can't help but think he's adorable when I'm around him. He's funny, articulate, clever, likes a lot of the same things as me. We have a good time.

Tonight we went to get pizza and ice cream before coming back to my place to watch Survivor (like I said, we're both obsessed). We were sitting very close on the couch and soon after the show ended we were kissing and things got very heated. I picked him up carried him to my bed and we started taking each other's clothes off.

Normally here I would want to have a talk about how far things were going to go or make some excuse about how I usually don't do this (lie) or blah. This time I simply said, "I trust that you'll let me know if I go too far" to which he replied, "Same goes for you."

And he did stop me before it went all the way, but it was fun to toss him around a while and be aggressive. There was definitely a sexual connection there.

He has class in the morning and couldn't stay the night this time, but there are plans for a sleepover next time.

He tried to do the whole "I usually don't go that far" act and I just said "There was a connection, we acted on it, we had a good time. It's all good on my end."

So Charlie, The Couple, the guy from the bar the other night that I'm supposed to grab coffee with, and then there's another guy I've been messaging on OKCupid that I am intrigued by and want to meet. I am feeling a little overwhelmed.

To Branch Out or Not to Branch Out, by Doris

Okay, I lied. Rock and I didn't get married. April Fool!

What I wasn't foolin' about, though, was my frustration with OKCupid. Four months on it and I keep getting the same dudes, over and over. It's a little discouraging. Are my tastes really that limited?

So I'm thinking (just thinking) of branching out. I don't want to pay through the nose, and I already know some of the sites are not right for me. Match.com, definitely not. eHarmony, hell to the no. A friend is now on chemistry.com and hasn't had a great experience. As I am not a gay man, Connexion is out.

Nerve.com looks kinda promising, as do a couple of other sites.

So daters and datees, any advice? Have you had good/bad experiences with any of the above or any I may have missed? Leave a comment!

Just to Lighten the Mood, by Doris

So guess who texted me yesterday?

Midnight Cowboy!

Dude must have some serious hornypants.

He asked if I was still interested in getting together. I said yes, but to be honest I wasn't super comfortable with having a first date at midnight. He said he understood, but mornings were no good because he's "quite nocturnal." His words.

Maybe it's because I'm exhausted and overworked, but I was SO tempted to reply: "You must be very proud."

In short, we couldn't agree on a time, so I told him to text me next week if he's still interested.

You know, I have friends in the service industry. And they all date during normal hours.

When I relayed all this to Rock, he replied that "quite nocturnal" could be a euphemism for "on meth."

I love Rock.

Halfway Point: Worrying and Learning by Doris

When Rock and I agreed to start No Way, Cupid, I suggested we step back and evaluate three months into the six-month experiment. Granted, it's been a little more than three months, but self-analysis is never a bad thing, right?

Three months in, I am really, really trying to keep an open mind. For me, that is sometimes hard. Not that I'm a prejudiced person or anything, but I've been called "stubborn," "bullheaded" and the like more often than #winning has been trended on Twitter (by the way, we have a Twitter account. You should follow us!). I maintain that if I were a guy, my, um, strong personality would be less of an issue. However, I'm not only a girl but a girly-girl who likes to wear dresses and paint my nails. When I open my mouth, people are often in for a shock.

Before No Way, Cupid, I thought Ex-calibur and I were meant to be. I didn't always admit it, but deep in my heart I figured we would be together eventually. Now I know that will probably not happen. Believe me, for that realization alone this experiment has been worth it.

Back to the open-minded issue: I get worried I'm too picky.

I mean, I basically canceled a date Thursday night. My date Saturday canceled on me, but I'd kind of written him off anyway, so I was more relieved than anything else. Since I signed up on okcupid, I've rejected those who message me more often than not (sounds harsher than it actually is. By "rejected," I mean I don't message them back. I'm not mean or anything).

And cancellations aside, I enjoy being alone. If I am going to give up what little spare time I have, even for a coffee date, I need to at least like you a bit.

Then I worry I'm not picky enough. Neither guy I was going to go out with this week were real winners. I almost messaged a guy back last night (more about that later), but then I realized there were several factors that I could tolerate for a few dates, but would present big problems sooner or later.

I worry a lot. Can you tell?

But I think about the Russian, who I really did like even though he had a lot of faults and didn't end things well (or at all). I liked Straight Anthony Rapp and Rivers-a-like, the energy just wasn't there for me. So this gives me hope. I've just had a run of crappy luck lately, which if my online dating-veteran friends are to be believed, happens from time to time.

Here's the biggest thing I've learned so far, though:

I want a little bit more than casual sex.

I still don't want to get married. I still don't want kids. I still don't even want a relationship where someone's in my face, bed and life every day of the week. On the other side of the coin, I still don't have a problem with booty calls or one-night stands.

However, I'd like sex and spending time together out of bed to go hand in hand. I'd like a guy who doesn't use me and disappear (even if we are using each other). I'd like a give-and-take, even if it only lasts a few weeks. I'd like closure if and when the relationship ends.

Yes, I just used the word "relationship." Rock and I have had endless arguments about this word. Previously, I hated it because for me it connoted whining and angst and more work than play.

Now, I get it. The word can mean many things.

And a relationship, on my terms?

I wouldn't be opposed.

LEARNING.

Whatever Winkie, by Doris

So Winkie and I were supposed to go out last night. It had been rescheduled from last week for various reasons, and we were going to meet for coffee at seven.

Now, Friday night I texted him and asked if we could meet at eight instead.

His response?

"Haha, sure. You'll have to just make it up to me, I guess. ;P"

Ugh.

If you recall, this isn't the first weird insinuation we're going to hook up even though, you know, WE HAVEN'T EVEN MET YET. This is coffee, dude, not AdultFriendFinder. I need to see you and talk to you first. Especially since your photos show you at two very different weights.

Maybe he was trying to be funny and it just came off awkward, as written communications sometimes do. Maybe he genuinely believes he got game.

Either way, I don't think I'm going to find out.

Why?

Because last night, not one hour before we were supposed to meet (thank the flying spaghetti monster the place was in my neighborhood, otherwise I might have been on my way), I get the following text:

"Hey, I'm gonna have to bail on tonight. I've been drinking since 10 this morning and would want to make a non dunk first impression." [sic]

Really, Winkie? REALLY?

Yes, I get that yesterday was the Saturday before St. Patrick's Day, which tends to get a little crazy. As someone who has happily gotten wasted at noon during Pride festivities, I probably can't judge.

However:

1) We've had this date scheduled for over a week (two if you count before we rescheduled). If you knew you were going out with your friends, why'd you ask to meet me on Saturday (a day that, after all, was your idea)? If it just came up, why didn't you either cancel early or, I don't know, PACE YOURSELF during the day? You're in your mid-twenties, dude. By then, most people know how much liquor they can handle.

2) So YOU were one of the idiots screaming outside my window, clogging up foot traffic, puking on the sidewalk and causing the ambulances to run overtime yesterday. (Sorry, I'm just a grouch like that about pre-St. Patrick's Day. I just don't see the point. At least with Pride you're celebrating in the company of funny and happy gay men, not icky bloated red-faced douchetards.)

3) I don't think it would have worked anyway. See 2). You are a pre-St. Patrick's Day person. I am not.

What did I do with my sudden free hour (because, unbeknownst to Winkie, I had a commitment later that night, so a hookup most likely wouldn't have happened even if I were attracted)?

I put on a fabulous new hat and took myself out for coffee at a really cool local place. What can I say? Sometimes it's nice to just be alone.

The Night We Never Met, by Doris

"I can't believe you were going out with him in the first place," Rock said last night.

Remember Midnight Cowboy? The dude I stupidly agreed to meet at the witching hour on a weeknight, who wasn't even that cute? The guy who from message one came off as more than a little douchey?

Well, last night I had to work late. Very late. I had a 12-hour day with virtually no break, much of which was spent running around and trying to keep various balls in the air. Earlier in the week, I'd figured I'd still be hyped up later, as I usually am after major events, and could handle a date.

While still at work, I get a text from MC. Could we meet at 11 instead?

Sure, I replied, thinking if worse came to worse I'd just go straight to the bar as I was dressed cute anyway.

I step away from my phone and step back half an hour later, only to find out he wants to switch back to midnight.

Ugh, seriously?

Look, I get it. Shit happens, life happens, work happens. I mean, I was at work myself when I got the message. And maybe because of that, because I'd been running and making amends and allowances because I am paid to do so, I didn't want to compromise and yes-woman myself another damn time, for results that would likely be less than satisfactory.

By "results," I don't mean bad sex, necessarily. I mean, it took a 12-hour workday of running around to realize...

I didn't really like Midnight Cowboy.

Not enough to meet him late, after he changed the meeting time, then changed it again. Not enough to submit myself to what would likely be a quick drink then fooling around. I could practically smell the subtext in all his communications.

Again, a one-night stand isn't a bad thing. But I need to dig you a little before we hop into bed. And the fact that you're kinda douchey before we even meet, plus I don't find you super attractive?

Clang, clang, clang went the "Doris, don't do this" trolley.

I texted back that I just wasn't down--I was working, I needed to be back at work early the next morning, and I was afraid I just wouldn't be very good company. We vaguely left it at "another time," which I think we both know will never happen.

My next text was for Rock, whom I knew was out somewhere in the city:

Where are you?

Because some nights, you DO have to make awkward small talk to get what you want, whether that's a one-nighter or a deep connection.

And some nights, you just want to have a drink with your friends.

I know I made the right choice.

In Which I Snark on a Profile, by Doris

From a guy whose screen name "ironically" suggests a porn name (turnoff #1):

Tall, heterosexual, single, and I live by myself. Is that not enough to get a first date? Just kidding I also love kids and listening. Now can we go on a date? Just kidding I'm sensitive and think about flowers.

Someone's been reading Tucker Max.

I'd like to meet someone extravagantly beautiful, curious about the world, and sexually voracious.

Are you KIDDING me?

Under "what I'm doing with my life:"

I go to business school.

Now, not everyone who goes to business school is a douche. But when your profile reads like an unironic episode of The Man Show, it ain't helping your case, sweetheart.

Under "favorite movies:"

Ikiru, Dr. Strangelove, Live Free or Die Hard, Secretary, 9 1/2 Weeks

We GET IT. You're a MAN. A MAN MAN MAN.



You like sex and violence! If you included Bambi in here, I wouldn't be muttering "closet homosexual" under my breath.

Under "you should message me if:"

You go for smart, ambitious, and eccentric.

Huh?

If your pictures are any indication, you've spray-tanned at least once in your life and wear "Yearning" by Dennis Feinstein. I'm guessing you belonged to a frat in college, and not the fun kind as portrayed on the ABCFamily series Greek, but the misogynistic date-rapey kind. You have made it very clear you like women who are GORGEOUS and WISH TO FORNICATE. You want to go into finance.

Pray tell, how does "eccentric" figure in here?

This has been your Online Dating Profile Snark of the Day!

Two-Date Week, by Doris

So my date with Winkie, which was supposed to be Friday night, got postponed to next Saturday because he got stuck in a meeting. Because it was a long-ass week and I'm just that lame, I was in bed by ten on Friday, so it all worked out.

I'm looking at this as a practice date a la Rivers-a-like. Because I got sidetracked by the Russian, I haven't been out with a guy in a while. Time to jump back in.

Also, yes, I am meeting Midnight Cowboy on Thursday. I have a work event that's going to run late anyway, and it always takes me a while to come down from those. The deal is, we have to meet at a bar near my house. I am going to text Rock the guy's phone number just in case. I have pepper spray and I'm not afraid to use it.

In the comments section of my last post, Rock got to talking about one-night stands. I don't have a problem with one-night stands. Who knows, either or both of these guys could turn into that. However, I don't think I'm at that point yet. If I were, I'd drag my friends out to a bar. I don't think I'd mind casual sex, but as more of an ongoing thing. And yes, I'm aware that some one-night stands do turn into more. But I have mixed feelings.

And as I said in my response, I don't have an issue with booty calls or one-night stands. But maybe let's be more upfront about it and not call it a "date."

If this doesn't make sense to you, don't worry. It doesn't make sense to me either.

Drought Nearly Over, by Doris

So I'm in the midst of arranging dates with two different boys, plus messaging with another. Although with the latter, I'm not sure if he's genuinely interested or it's a "courtesy reply."

Addendum to Doris' Rules of OKCupid Engagement:

Don't message me back if you're not interested. I don't care what the dating sites tell you. If I don't hear back from you, I get it--and that's if I even remember messaging you in the first place. I think it's far ruder for you to turn me down or to disappear after I ask to meet you, than to be polite and not waste my time or yours by forgoing the "courtesy reply."

The thing is--and I really hesitate to say this because I know my sister reads this blog, but what the hell. Sis, consider yourself warned--I'm almost more about sex than dating at this time. What can I say? It's been a while. I'd even take a good makeout. And when I noticed that at least two guys I was interested in had "casual sex" on their "interested in"--among other things like "short-term dating"--well, it wasn't exactly a deterrent.

As Rock and I discussed when setting up our profiles a few months ago, I don't want the inevitable pervy-straight-dude responses I'd get if I listed "casual sex" among my "interested in"'s. A shitty double standard, but it exists. I'm interested in dating-dating too. Really. I just need to get some physical stuff out of my system, ya dig?

In fact, I nearly propositioned a dude via message, but then Rock reminded me how I hate when a guy asks me out in the very first message. I don't want to be a hypocrite.

And speaking of hypocrites, I just broke my own rule and messaged a guy whose profile picture features him and a girl. They weren't faux making out, though.

That's a Dealbreaker, Ladies!, by Doris

An addition to Doris' Rules of OKCupid Engagement:

I don't care how cute you are. If one of your photos features you faux-making out with your very pretty female "best friend," I am NOT messaging you.

Seriously. Who does that? It doesn't make you look desirable. It makes you look like you have something going on with your "best friend," and if you and I go on a date I can expect her at my apartment the next day, wielding a shiv.

/endminirant

Big Fat Sigh, by Doris

In my messages tonight:

"You are heart-aching-adorable."

Aw. Too bad he sports a nasty soul patch. I can't get past that.

"Finally, someone who agrees Mike was the superior MST3K host."

Aw. Too bad he kind of resembles Fat Neil from Community. Can't get past that either.

And now, Doris' rules of OKCupid engagement:

1. Please don't ask me out in the first message--like before I've even messaged you back. You wouldn't walk up to somebody and ask them to coffee without exchanging a few words first, right?

2. If your username/screenname/handle/whatever contains a reference to masturbation...just no.

3. Photos of you in a bar with your friends? Cool. Photos of you with a cigarette and/or joint hanging out of your mouth? Ew.

4. I want to know you've actually read my profile. A message about my hotness doesn't indicate that. On the contrary, it tells me you're sending the same damn thing to 15 girls.

5. If we're on a date and you discreetly and politely check me out, that's fine. If you are sending me a message complimenting the size of my chest, you WILL get a rude retort right before I block your ass.

And finally...

6. If you don't post at least ONE picture of yourself, I won't assume you're too hot for the interwebs. I WILL assume: a) there's something seriously wrong with you physically, b) you're too damn lazy to press a button, which does not bode well for how you will treat me in public and private, or c) all of the above.

Have no fear, gentle readers and snarky Rock: there are a few gentlemen with definite potential I'm messaging with.

Happy Friday!

Happy Valentimes!, by Rock

Oh February 14. I really want to like you. I want you to be an awesome day. I really thought it was going to happen this year. Still, I'll focus on that future February 14 when I'll be happily in love or like or crushing and not hate on the holiday. I think it's a fun one at heart (see what I did there?).

Tonight I'll be making drinks for couples that are too poor/don't care enough to go to a restaurant nicer than my own. I'll be trying not to think about how 2.0 will be at a concert surrounded by tons and tons of other gays.

Seriously I hope he has fun.

Seriously I hope he thinks of me a few times today.

In "jumping back into things too quickly" news, I've been talking to a few boys on OKCupid.

I have a date with one of them on Tuesday. Grabbing dinner between class and a "gay wine night" at a friend's place. He seems nice enough. Pretty witty. At a similar place in his life as I am. His pictures are a little weird: they all look a little different so I need to see him in person so see which one is most accurate, hear his voice, feel his energy.

Another guy is incredibly sexy looking. He has a beard. He plays in a band. We have a 94% match. I think we would get along very well.

One thing. It says on his profile that he doesn't want children. I realize it's too soon to think about that now, but it does give me pause. I don't need a Monica/Richard situation where we fall in love and then have to end it and hurt because we want different futures.

But I couldn't get over that beard or the 94% (most of my matches in the 90s are uggo). So I started a conversation that is going well I believe, though he may be trying to veer it into the friend zone.

Then there's another guy that I started a conversation with because he has a picture where he's wearing a baseball hat of the team I like (which is weird around here). He wrote back gushing about me and how awesome I looked and would I like to meet up for a drink.

So I called him out on his over-enthusiasm, made fun of him a little bit, and now we're having a normal conversation and getting to know each other.

I'm usually turned off when guys are a little too into me, but we've seen time and time again how that works out. So I'm entertaining this a little. If we do eventually meet and he's not terribly tragic, it could be good.

To be continued...