In Which I Finally Meet Noah Wyle, by Rock

Noah Wyle had continued to text and talk on the phone when he suggested that this past Saturday night I come over after work to watch a movie and drink some wine. He apologized for the familiarity of the first date, but it was about all he could handle with all of the studying for finals (they're still not over). But since his best friend from high school took it upon himself to buy a ticket to visit him the day finals ended, it would probably be a while before he could have a real date and he was anxious to meet me.

I was exhausted as I headed over to meet him on Saturday. Work had been especially long and stressful. I was worried I wouldn't be able to stay awake.

He was visibly nervous as we sat down with some water instead of wine and started trading stories. He was a little different then I imagined. A little dorkier (not necessarily in a bad way). His hair was longer than it had been in most of the pictures (though it looked good). He has a tiny nose stud which I think is awful but maybe it'll grow on me. He was candid and sweet and very nervous about being on a date. Before entering med school he had lived in Hawaii for a year where dating wasn't a priority and then he entered med school and it stayed not a priority, so it had been a while for him.

And here is where I wonder if OKCupid is a good or bad thing. We were rated at a ridiculously high 93% match, 1% enemy. I don't know how far he would have gotten in a bar, but because of the rating I let him get over his nervousness and open up and he won me over.

We turned on a movie and sat close. I moved my arm into that "you can hold my hand if you want" position. He said, "So would it be presumptuous if I held your hand?" I laughed and said I wouldn't mind.

A little farther into the movie, there was some little exchange and I decided to go in for a quick little first kiss. Immediately the fireworks went off and this turned into one of the best make-out sessions of my life. The energy was just there.

Eventually he said that he needed to go to bed, but it was late and I was welcome to spend the night, though he wanted to take things relatively slow with me, and of course I shouldn't feel like I had to. I said I would take him up on the offer, but yes, I agreed that clothes should stay on.

So we made out some more and cuddled and flirted with crossing the line just the right amount. I mentioned that it didn't feel quite like a first date because we had been texting and talking on the phone so much.

He had to wake up early, but he let me stay and sleep in.

He invited me over tonight as well after work in lieu of a proper second date, just because of scheduling. If I get out of work early enough I'm sure I'll head over there. I am looking forward to a proper date. He's pretty new to this city and hasn't had a lot of time to explore. I told him to get ready for a night in which I introduce him to the best neighborhood (mine) along with the best beer, pizza or burger (his choice), ice cream, coffee, and company (mine).

We're headed on the track to something substantial though. We're both acting like it. Take it with a grain of salt, however, since we saw how it went with Charlie after I thought we were off to a good start. Especially since...

Some hesitations.

It's evident that we're both at a place in our life where we want to be in a relationship. I don't want us to be in a relationship just because we want to be. I don't think this would continue to a proposal or anything, but I could see us moving a little too quickly or being a little more enamored than we usually would be. So I'm aware of that.

His body is much better than mine. My fingers were admiring his hard stomach when he exclaimed, "Oh I haven't worked out in two months! I'm in awful shape." I told him to shut up, his body was much better than mine. I will be spending a lot more time in the gym to play catch up. If we end up dating this could be a good motivator. I list it under a hesitation though because it makes me insecure.

He likes to apologize for things and make sure I'm okay with things. "Is my arm okay behind you?" "I'm sorry am I moving too fast?" "Sorry I keep having to pee." "You don't have to come over tonight if you don't feel up to it. I won't be offended." "Sorry I'm shy at first." I have stressed multiple times that if I don't want to do something I won't. I have flat out told him to stop using the word "sorry" and to just relax. He has a grace period where he can be nervous, but I hope he gets over this.

Hopefully tonight will work out and we'll go from there!

We We We So Not Excited, by Doris

I'll keep this short, but I'm supposed to see The Hair tonight (we rescheduled from Friday). We are going to a bar in his neighborhood I've always wanted to go to, which is a plus.

And I can think of a million things I'd rather be doing.

He is perfectly nice, but a) I get the feeling he's way more excited about this than I am, and b) he called me "pretty girl" in a text.

Now, I know we've only been on one date and many girls like that kind of thing and he doesn't know me well enough to know this, but:

I don't really go for those kind of endearments. It just squicks me out even if the guy is not squicky.

I'm going to try to keep an open mind, but honestly it will probably be one drink and go.

Will report back.

(P.S. Did anyone see Parks and Recreation? Did anyone else have a REALLY hard time believing Leslie was the only one opposed to those two getting married? Though I did love her line about falling for the Civil War re-enactor.)

To Branch Out or Not to Branch Out, by Doris

Okay, I lied. Rock and I didn't get married. April Fool!

What I wasn't foolin' about, though, was my frustration with OKCupid. Four months on it and I keep getting the same dudes, over and over. It's a little discouraging. Are my tastes really that limited?

So I'm thinking (just thinking) of branching out. I don't want to pay through the nose, and I already know some of the sites are not right for me. Match.com, definitely not. eHarmony, hell to the no. A friend is now on chemistry.com and hasn't had a great experience. As I am not a gay man, Connexion is out.

Nerve.com looks kinda promising, as do a couple of other sites.

So daters and datees, any advice? Have you had good/bad experiences with any of the above or any I may have missed? Leave a comment!

Halfway Point: Worrying and Learning by Doris

When Rock and I agreed to start No Way, Cupid, I suggested we step back and evaluate three months into the six-month experiment. Granted, it's been a little more than three months, but self-analysis is never a bad thing, right?

Three months in, I am really, really trying to keep an open mind. For me, that is sometimes hard. Not that I'm a prejudiced person or anything, but I've been called "stubborn," "bullheaded" and the like more often than #winning has been trended on Twitter (by the way, we have a Twitter account. You should follow us!). I maintain that if I were a guy, my, um, strong personality would be less of an issue. However, I'm not only a girl but a girly-girl who likes to wear dresses and paint my nails. When I open my mouth, people are often in for a shock.

Before No Way, Cupid, I thought Ex-calibur and I were meant to be. I didn't always admit it, but deep in my heart I figured we would be together eventually. Now I know that will probably not happen. Believe me, for that realization alone this experiment has been worth it.

Back to the open-minded issue: I get worried I'm too picky.

I mean, I basically canceled a date Thursday night. My date Saturday canceled on me, but I'd kind of written him off anyway, so I was more relieved than anything else. Since I signed up on okcupid, I've rejected those who message me more often than not (sounds harsher than it actually is. By "rejected," I mean I don't message them back. I'm not mean or anything).

And cancellations aside, I enjoy being alone. If I am going to give up what little spare time I have, even for a coffee date, I need to at least like you a bit.

Then I worry I'm not picky enough. Neither guy I was going to go out with this week were real winners. I almost messaged a guy back last night (more about that later), but then I realized there were several factors that I could tolerate for a few dates, but would present big problems sooner or later.

I worry a lot. Can you tell?

But I think about the Russian, who I really did like even though he had a lot of faults and didn't end things well (or at all). I liked Straight Anthony Rapp and Rivers-a-like, the energy just wasn't there for me. So this gives me hope. I've just had a run of crappy luck lately, which if my online dating-veteran friends are to be believed, happens from time to time.

Here's the biggest thing I've learned so far, though:

I want a little bit more than casual sex.

I still don't want to get married. I still don't want kids. I still don't even want a relationship where someone's in my face, bed and life every day of the week. On the other side of the coin, I still don't have a problem with booty calls or one-night stands.

However, I'd like sex and spending time together out of bed to go hand in hand. I'd like a guy who doesn't use me and disappear (even if we are using each other). I'd like a give-and-take, even if it only lasts a few weeks. I'd like closure if and when the relationship ends.

Yes, I just used the word "relationship." Rock and I have had endless arguments about this word. Previously, I hated it because for me it connoted whining and angst and more work than play.

Now, I get it. The word can mean many things.

And a relationship, on my terms?

I wouldn't be opposed.

LEARNING.

Whatever Winkie, by Doris

So Winkie and I were supposed to go out last night. It had been rescheduled from last week for various reasons, and we were going to meet for coffee at seven.

Now, Friday night I texted him and asked if we could meet at eight instead.

His response?

"Haha, sure. You'll have to just make it up to me, I guess. ;P"

Ugh.

If you recall, this isn't the first weird insinuation we're going to hook up even though, you know, WE HAVEN'T EVEN MET YET. This is coffee, dude, not AdultFriendFinder. I need to see you and talk to you first. Especially since your photos show you at two very different weights.

Maybe he was trying to be funny and it just came off awkward, as written communications sometimes do. Maybe he genuinely believes he got game.

Either way, I don't think I'm going to find out.

Why?

Because last night, not one hour before we were supposed to meet (thank the flying spaghetti monster the place was in my neighborhood, otherwise I might have been on my way), I get the following text:

"Hey, I'm gonna have to bail on tonight. I've been drinking since 10 this morning and would want to make a non dunk first impression." [sic]

Really, Winkie? REALLY?

Yes, I get that yesterday was the Saturday before St. Patrick's Day, which tends to get a little crazy. As someone who has happily gotten wasted at noon during Pride festivities, I probably can't judge.

However:

1) We've had this date scheduled for over a week (two if you count before we rescheduled). If you knew you were going out with your friends, why'd you ask to meet me on Saturday (a day that, after all, was your idea)? If it just came up, why didn't you either cancel early or, I don't know, PACE YOURSELF during the day? You're in your mid-twenties, dude. By then, most people know how much liquor they can handle.

2) So YOU were one of the idiots screaming outside my window, clogging up foot traffic, puking on the sidewalk and causing the ambulances to run overtime yesterday. (Sorry, I'm just a grouch like that about pre-St. Patrick's Day. I just don't see the point. At least with Pride you're celebrating in the company of funny and happy gay men, not icky bloated red-faced douchetards.)

3) I don't think it would have worked anyway. See 2). You are a pre-St. Patrick's Day person. I am not.

What did I do with my sudden free hour (because, unbeknownst to Winkie, I had a commitment later that night, so a hookup most likely wouldn't have happened even if I were attracted)?

I put on a fabulous new hat and took myself out for coffee at a really cool local place. What can I say? Sometimes it's nice to just be alone.

The Night We Never Met, by Doris

"I can't believe you were going out with him in the first place," Rock said last night.

Remember Midnight Cowboy? The dude I stupidly agreed to meet at the witching hour on a weeknight, who wasn't even that cute? The guy who from message one came off as more than a little douchey?

Well, last night I had to work late. Very late. I had a 12-hour day with virtually no break, much of which was spent running around and trying to keep various balls in the air. Earlier in the week, I'd figured I'd still be hyped up later, as I usually am after major events, and could handle a date.

While still at work, I get a text from MC. Could we meet at 11 instead?

Sure, I replied, thinking if worse came to worse I'd just go straight to the bar as I was dressed cute anyway.

I step away from my phone and step back half an hour later, only to find out he wants to switch back to midnight.

Ugh, seriously?

Look, I get it. Shit happens, life happens, work happens. I mean, I was at work myself when I got the message. And maybe because of that, because I'd been running and making amends and allowances because I am paid to do so, I didn't want to compromise and yes-woman myself another damn time, for results that would likely be less than satisfactory.

By "results," I don't mean bad sex, necessarily. I mean, it took a 12-hour workday of running around to realize...

I didn't really like Midnight Cowboy.

Not enough to meet him late, after he changed the meeting time, then changed it again. Not enough to submit myself to what would likely be a quick drink then fooling around. I could practically smell the subtext in all his communications.

Again, a one-night stand isn't a bad thing. But I need to dig you a little before we hop into bed. And the fact that you're kinda douchey before we even meet, plus I don't find you super attractive?

Clang, clang, clang went the "Doris, don't do this" trolley.

I texted back that I just wasn't down--I was working, I needed to be back at work early the next morning, and I was afraid I just wouldn't be very good company. We vaguely left it at "another time," which I think we both know will never happen.

My next text was for Rock, whom I knew was out somewhere in the city:

Where are you?

Because some nights, you DO have to make awkward small talk to get what you want, whether that's a one-nighter or a deep connection.

And some nights, you just want to have a drink with your friends.

I know I made the right choice.

In Which I Snark on a Profile, by Doris

From a guy whose screen name "ironically" suggests a porn name (turnoff #1):

Tall, heterosexual, single, and I live by myself. Is that not enough to get a first date? Just kidding I also love kids and listening. Now can we go on a date? Just kidding I'm sensitive and think about flowers.

Someone's been reading Tucker Max.

I'd like to meet someone extravagantly beautiful, curious about the world, and sexually voracious.

Are you KIDDING me?

Under "what I'm doing with my life:"

I go to business school.

Now, not everyone who goes to business school is a douche. But when your profile reads like an unironic episode of The Man Show, it ain't helping your case, sweetheart.

Under "favorite movies:"

Ikiru, Dr. Strangelove, Live Free or Die Hard, Secretary, 9 1/2 Weeks

We GET IT. You're a MAN. A MAN MAN MAN.



You like sex and violence! If you included Bambi in here, I wouldn't be muttering "closet homosexual" under my breath.

Under "you should message me if:"

You go for smart, ambitious, and eccentric.

Huh?

If your pictures are any indication, you've spray-tanned at least once in your life and wear "Yearning" by Dennis Feinstein. I'm guessing you belonged to a frat in college, and not the fun kind as portrayed on the ABCFamily series Greek, but the misogynistic date-rapey kind. You have made it very clear you like women who are GORGEOUS and WISH TO FORNICATE. You want to go into finance.

Pray tell, how does "eccentric" figure in here?

This has been your Online Dating Profile Snark of the Day!

Be Careful What You Wish For, by Doris

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Drought Nearly Over, by Doris

So I'm in the midst of arranging dates with two different boys, plus messaging with another. Although with the latter, I'm not sure if he's genuinely interested or it's a "courtesy reply."

Addendum to Doris' Rules of OKCupid Engagement:

Don't message me back if you're not interested. I don't care what the dating sites tell you. If I don't hear back from you, I get it--and that's if I even remember messaging you in the first place. I think it's far ruder for you to turn me down or to disappear after I ask to meet you, than to be polite and not waste my time or yours by forgoing the "courtesy reply."

The thing is--and I really hesitate to say this because I know my sister reads this blog, but what the hell. Sis, consider yourself warned--I'm almost more about sex than dating at this time. What can I say? It's been a while. I'd even take a good makeout. And when I noticed that at least two guys I was interested in had "casual sex" on their "interested in"--among other things like "short-term dating"--well, it wasn't exactly a deterrent.

As Rock and I discussed when setting up our profiles a few months ago, I don't want the inevitable pervy-straight-dude responses I'd get if I listed "casual sex" among my "interested in"'s. A shitty double standard, but it exists. I'm interested in dating-dating too. Really. I just need to get some physical stuff out of my system, ya dig?

In fact, I nearly propositioned a dude via message, but then Rock reminded me how I hate when a guy asks me out in the very first message. I don't want to be a hypocrite.

And speaking of hypocrites, I just broke my own rule and messaged a guy whose profile picture features him and a girl. They weren't faux making out, though.

That's a Dealbreaker, Ladies!, by Doris

An addition to Doris' Rules of OKCupid Engagement:

I don't care how cute you are. If one of your photos features you faux-making out with your very pretty female "best friend," I am NOT messaging you.

Seriously. Who does that? It doesn't make you look desirable. It makes you look like you have something going on with your "best friend," and if you and I go on a date I can expect her at my apartment the next day, wielding a shiv.

/endminirant

Big Fat Sigh, by Doris

In my messages tonight:

"You are heart-aching-adorable."

Aw. Too bad he sports a nasty soul patch. I can't get past that.

"Finally, someone who agrees Mike was the superior MST3K host."

Aw. Too bad he kind of resembles Fat Neil from Community. Can't get past that either.

And now, Doris' rules of OKCupid engagement:

1. Please don't ask me out in the first message--like before I've even messaged you back. You wouldn't walk up to somebody and ask them to coffee without exchanging a few words first, right?

2. If your username/screenname/handle/whatever contains a reference to masturbation...just no.

3. Photos of you in a bar with your friends? Cool. Photos of you with a cigarette and/or joint hanging out of your mouth? Ew.

4. I want to know you've actually read my profile. A message about my hotness doesn't indicate that. On the contrary, it tells me you're sending the same damn thing to 15 girls.

5. If we're on a date and you discreetly and politely check me out, that's fine. If you are sending me a message complimenting the size of my chest, you WILL get a rude retort right before I block your ass.

And finally...

6. If you don't post at least ONE picture of yourself, I won't assume you're too hot for the interwebs. I WILL assume: a) there's something seriously wrong with you physically, b) you're too damn lazy to press a button, which does not bode well for how you will treat me in public and private, or c) all of the above.

Have no fear, gentle readers and snarky Rock: there are a few gentlemen with definite potential I'm messaging with.

Happy Friday!

A few days later..., by Rock

It stings, but it doesn't hurt. If I keep telling myself that, it's true, right?

I keep trying to remember all of the ways that he wasn't a perfect match, even though they were all imperfections I could live with.

I had saved one of his little wrapped Starburst presents. I decided that if I threw it away, I was attaching too much sentimental value to it, so I made myself eat them.

I hurried up and got on Connexion and OKCupid and changed my status to single and blocked him on both sites because it would have killed me if he got to it first.

And I've been doing pretty well. My friends are great at distracting me. Right now is a little rough. I had a few drinks with a friend while watching tv and cooking dinner. That was great fun. But then I got on OKCupid. Seriously there are some uggos on there. Seriously the one guy that is hot and has a high match rate with me has been online without writing me back. Still I'm shooting out messages and trying to aim high.

I'm really trying hard to be selective. There was a time where I wouldn't really worry if someone wanted kids or not. Now if they don't want kids, I won't message them even if they're uber-hot. If they're super Christian, I'm not down. If someone is witty and funny and seems amazing but not super attractive, sorry that I'm shallow but I really think it's nicer to just not engage than to realize in two weeks that their gut isn't working for me. I'm (finally) to the point where there are better things to do than to go on a first date with someone that is going to be a problem eventually.

I realized I shouldn't be looking for another guy to make me happy. I should recover on my own first. But a distraction is a distraction!

Since I was already feeling a little down, I emailed 2.0 to ask him to find a way to get some stuff back to me. I'm hoping he just mails it, but I can handle a 2 minute encounter if need be. I will not be picking it up though. It's on him. Not in a vindictive way, but in a "it's only fair" way.

Tomorrow night is going to be a little rough because I wanted to be at this concert with him, but what can you do? Blerg. :)

Sooner or Later It Comes Down to Fate, by Doris

So I have a date on Thursday.

Rivers-a-like of the suburban address and the occasional affinity for top 40 music (which we initially bonded over, I HATE the hipsters that blindly denigrate good pop songs, ditto for hipsters that declare Saturday Night Live hasn't been funny since the Carvey years) is going to be in my neighborhood to see a concert. As I wanted to have some sort of date before the year ended - and I'm not touching New Year's Eve with a ten-foot pole, WORST time for a first date ever - we have decided to have drinks before the show.

I think this is good for several reasons. Rock usually advises against drinks on the first date (a rule that he admittedly has broken many times), but in my case there's a timeline. Only so much alcohol you can pound in an hour/90 minutes or so. Plus, we're going to a really lovely cafe/bar type place, aaaaand I have a cool new outfit which includes a gorgeous lace skirt I got on the Target clearance rack for $8.50!

So even if the date sucks, I will look very pretty.

It's funny, I think my family (while home at Christmas, I tried to just tell my sister, but my mom overheard) and friends (my two closest work pals, who helped me pick out the cafe/bar) are more excited about this than I am. Quite frankly, my expectations aren't that high.

As I've said before, I'm not terribly keen to date someone who doesn't live in the city. Should this work out, I'm keeping my OKCupid profile and pursuing other dudes. Rock and 2.0 are emotionally involved now, and good for them. I'm interested to see this relationship unfold, and I really hope it works out as I like 2.0.

However, I was emotionally involved with Excalibur for fourteen years, up until just a couple of months ago. My family still hates him--I can tell by the way they very deliberately did NOT say his name this weekend. I don't hate Excalibur. He didn't do anything wrong.

But I don't want to jump into another big thing right away. My heart needs a little rest. My mind needs a little fun.

And my body could use a little something else. Don't know if we'll get to that on Thursday. After all, Rivers-a-like has a concert to go to.

Practice Makes Perfect, by Doris

So I heard back from Rivers-a-like, who apparently is not too familiar with people who don't own cars. Can't tell if he was joking or not. To be fair, sometimes it's hard to tell in emails.

Because of holiday craziness, the earliest time he is free is December 30, where he can meet up briefly before going to a concert.

(And if anyone is wondering about our rule, Rock has informed me that he's granting a reprieve until after the New Year. As I've mentioned before, I have one guy mired in finals, plus another guy I'm talking to is in a show that I can't go to because I have plans, and my schedule is just generally wacko right now. So thank you for understanding, Rock. Although I expect a Christmas gift as well.)

I told him that was fine and am waiting to hear back. I think he's only on OKCupid about once a day, as am I.

I still want to meet him. I do.

But as I was telling Rock over coffee last night, I think this will be more of a practice date.

Yes, yes, I know I'm an asshole.

Let me explain:

If you've been reading this blog, you know I'm not super experienced when it comes to dating. I was in an on-and-off, well, something (I hate the word "relationship" even though family and friends inform me that's exactly what it was) for fourteen years. Fourteen years. That's a long time.

And during that time, I went out some. I had a few serious crushes. I slept with Rock's actor buddy. Still, though, I haven't been out on many dates. I could use a brush-up.

And let's be honest--this guy lives an hour away. I think he's planning on moving back to the city eventually, and good for him, but: a) I don't want to hang around and wait for that, and b) sometimes people DON'T move back to the city.

It's not just about the city vs. suburbs mindset. It's about the convenience.

I have a busy schedule. Many times I have to plan way ahead for nights with friends. However, last night I just met up with Rock for coffee. We had a two-hour or so window where we were free, so we did it. And that was fun. Sometimes I'm so busy, but an unexpected free night comes up. I'd like a guy who's within a reasonable distance, in case I would like to spend it with him.

I live in a major city, where there are tons of single dudes if OKCupid is to be believed. I don't think that's too much to want one in relatively the same place.

If Rivers-a-like says yes and we end up meeting, I will try to go in with an open mind. Who knows, I could totally fall for him and distance won't seem like a big deal at all.

But more and more, I am thinking this date will just be for practice.

And I'm fully aware this makes me kind of a jerk.

Little Boxes, by Doris

So last night I took Rock's advice and tried to score a date. As in, meeting face to face, seeing if the energy I'm feeling online is there in person. One of my OKCupid cuties is mired in final exams this week (as he told me in a very sweet "I haven't forgotten you" note last Sunday), so I a) don't want to bother him during a stressful time, and b) do want to wait until he responds to me as promised. See what an awesome non-stalker I'm being?

In the meantime, there's another dude. Brown hair, glasses--fair warning to all guys with brown hair and glasses in my city, I WILL most likely message you at some point. This one's sort of Rivers Cuomo-esque (and I've always had a thing for Rivers, despite the many accounts that he's a total douche). Rivers-a-like and I have a good rapport online, so last night I bit the bullet and asked him to coffee, during one of the random times I have free this weekend (thank you, holidays).

Then it got complicated.

It's not that Rivers-a-like isn't up for coffee. He is.

However . . .

He doesn't live in the city. Due to various personal reasons, he's currently in a suburb about an hour west.

Now, he didn't exactly lie about this. Plus, I believe OKCupid pulls up every possible match in a 25-mile range. I never explicitly asked him, "do you live in the city?" I assumed it because his handle denotes a city address, but we all know that to assume is to make an ass out of u and me (cliche, yes, but it's proven true too many times to count).

And he was very sweet and apologetic, saying that if this is a dealbreaker for me, he understands. He is in the city most weekends and often a few times a week. He just wanted it out there before we actually met.

I remembered a similar thing happening to Rock. Only in Rock's case, the guy waited until after their first date to drop the S bomb, which I always thought was kind of a red flag.

So I told Rivers-a-like that it wasn't a dealbreaker, as long as he was in the city regularly. I also told him that due to a major car accident a few years ago, I don't own a car, so I hoped THAT was not a dealbreaker. Meaning if this goes anywhere, the burden will be on him to come to me.

I had a few minutes before work, so I checked OKCupid and he hadn't responded. However, this was at 8:45 a.m. and we usually message about 10 p.m.-ish. And if I don't hear back from him, it wasn't meant to be anyway.

Waiting, again. This time for a boy at a distance.

Gimme a Break, by Doris

Cher Rock,

I'm ecstatic that you and 2.0 are currently floating on a first-base cloud. Truly. I wish you all the smoochies and Strangers With Candy marathons in the world.

However, regarding your challenge to me in your last post:

• Our readers may not be aware of the fact that your job allows for far more flexibility than mine.


• For me, the next two days consist of this: work, appointment, work, office Christmas party, hopefully yoga so I don't get fat from all the food I will inevitably ingest and therefore become unattractive to the dudes on OKCupid.
  
• As this is the holiday season, everyone's partying and traveling (plus one of the boys I've been messaging with has finals this week). Including me. The only times I have free are as follows: Friday evening, Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon after the home pick-up of the charity I'm donating my old clothes to.

I know you are making a face right now and yelling, "Excuses, excuses, Doris, get on it dammit!"

So I'll make you a deal. I'll ask out one or more of the cuties I'm messaging with. If my limited time frame matches up with theirs, we will grab a coffee on Friday at the earliest.

Otherwise, my friend, I hope you don't have plans with 2.0 on Friday, 'cause we're heading to a straight bar!

Eye-rollingly yours,

Doris

2.0 Date #3 Goals, by Rock

#1- Have a great time getting to know a great guy.

#2- Keep the drinking to a minimum. I'm all for social lubricant, but I'm curious as to how we are together when a little more sober.

#3- Pull off this cardigan I just bought last night. It makes me nervous.

Can You Hold On For One More Day?, by Doris

Now that Rock has encouraged me to be picky, I'm worried I'm getting TOO picky.

There's this semi-cute, very articulate guy who I've been messaging with. Notice I said semi-cute. Now, I'm not holding out for Jon Hamm (though that would be amazing). Ex-calibur certainly was no Adonis. But when I was in my early twenties, my very Catholic mother shocked the almighty hell out of me by saying, "You need to ask yourself: do I want to wake up with him in the morning?" Unexpected words of wisdom from a woman who married her high school boyfriend.

I'm not sure I'd want to wake up with Semi-Cute in the morning.

I'm torn. I mean, I wasn't attracted to Ex-calibur at first. Granted, I was in high school at the time, and I'd like to think my taste has gotten more varied than, say, Leonardo DiCaprio (who's still pretty hot, in my opinion).

But I'm getting a friend vibe from Semi-Cute. And this may sound bitchy, but I have enough friends.

In the meantime . . . there's another guy. I don't want to say too much, except I thought we really hit it off in messages, but I haven't heard from him in a couple of days. And this is bothering me more than I'd like to admit. Now, I know it's the weekend. And the holidays, where everyone is traveling and partying like crazy. AND not everyone checks their online dating accounts all the time. Not everyone is blogging about it like me and Rock.

I hate this. I hate being the whiny girl who waits.

I guess I'll poke around the site a little more.

But I'm afraid "semi" just isn't enough for me.

Do I Do(uche), by Doris

Observations from my first few days on OKCupid:

1. There are a LOT of people looking for love.

2. Some of them are really pretentious.

3. One of them deigned to IM me.

I now give you the story of Dr. Douchebag.

He liked my pics, called me hot. Haven't heard that since the days of Ex-calibur, so I went with it. Even after he gave me crap for not knowing the capital of Qatar. Yes, he's that guy.

Shoulda been my first clue.

What shoulda been my second clue is when he asked for my number AFTER I suggested we meet. Now, I engaged in a discussion (re: friendly argument over beers at our neighborhood dive bar) with Rock and his new friend 2.0 last night about this. I don't want to talk online for weeks and weeks with some dude and get my hopes up, only to meet him and find out the energy's just not there in person. I'd rather figure it out after a few emails.

In short, I wanted to meet this guy and he wanted to talk on the phone with me first.

I said fine, just give me your number and a good time to reach you. He said no, insisted we exchange numbers.

Shoulda been my third clue. You can probably see where this is going.

So it's the next day, 11 a.m. and I'm talking to my coworker. I happen to have my phone with me and it starts vibrating with the sounds of Dr. Douchebag. I could practically hear "capital of Qatar" in the brrr brrr brrr.

This would have been whatever, HAD I NOT TOLD HIM I HAVE A 9-5 JOB.

And the kicker? He didn't even leave a gotdamn message.

Done.

Except not quite.

I'm at a bar last night, gearing up to perform in a dance show, when I get another call, a voice mail, and a text message asking if I had received said voice mail.

Egged on by my fellow dancers, I responded in kind:

"Got your call and voice mail. Thanks, but I think you'd be better off with someone who knows the capital of Qatar. Because I don't, and I am totally cool with that. :)"

Instead of taking my smartass response as a hint, Dr. (Clueless) Douchebag thinks my feelings are hurt by his Big Manly Intellect and sends a looooong text message about how he thinks it's just so awesome I work where I do, and since Qatar was all over the news with the World Cup, he thought my poor little feminine brain would know the capital, and can he buy me a drink to make up for it.

Then he called again and left a voice mail AGAIN. To make sure my texts were still working, I guess.

Rock and 2.0 suggested I ignore it. My very smart roommate said that was only going to encourage Dr. Douchebag. So I sent him this:

"Got your second call and voice mail. Thanks, but this is not going to work. Please do not contact me again." Implied: or I will call the cops on your pretentious stalker ass.

Dr. Douchebag's response, not ten seconds later:

"Our loss."

UGH.

So what has formerly naive, now slightly more savvy Doris learned, boys and girls?

1. It's okay to be picky! Listening to your instincts does not make you a bitch, it makes you smart.

2. Don't give someone your number right away. Especially if they're pushing you into it.

3. There are guys out there who will NOT make fun of your lack of obscure geographical knowledge and your 9-5 office job. Some of whom, in fact, have been messaging you!

Three days in and this online thing is fun, but kind of overwhelming.

No more Dr. Douchebags, though. That skeevy ship has sailed.

The Capital of Qatar, by Doris

Do you know what it is?

Yeah, me neither.

Which just ASTOUNDED the dude I was IM'ing with tonight.

He also was SHOCKED I didn't remember his Very Important Job.

Dude, I joined the site last night. I've been messaging other menfolk as well.

Then again, I DID compliment this guy on the size of his ...

Bookshelf.

So I was probably asking for it.