He Likes Jane Austen, by Doris

Still haven't called Hunter Parrish. Probably will tonight. I intended to last night, but I'm taking some much needed "me-time" and didn't want the stress that goes with calling a boy who gave you his card at a bar three days ago. Which hasn't happened to me in a looong time, I might add.

As for Jim Berger...the short but cute emails keep coming, back and forth, fast and furious. We're into a lot of the same things. He can cook and bake really well, and I want to ask him to teach me but I'm too shy to do so (and that's a lot to ask of someone). We've both gotten a little teasing and flirty the way you only can in writing.

This has been going on for over a week. I keep waiting for it to stop. It doesn't.

At this point, I know Rock will yell at me to do something about it. To call or text, as I now have his number which he freely gave to me. To just freaking ask if he wants to see a movie, grab a coffee or a drink, go to a play (yes, he likes going to the theatre. Fuck me).

I want to make it clear: Rock has a very valid point.

I just want Jim to be the one who initiates.

There are a few reasons for this: my sister and I were saying last night that maybe it makes us bad feminists, but we like it when a guy makes the first move, even if it's just platonic. There's something about feeling wanted, whether it's by a friend or a potential makeout buddy.

Also, there's the elephant in the room known as his ex-girlfriend who's also my friend.

Again, even if it turns out to be platonic, I don't want it to look like I was biding my time until the breakup so I could pursue him. That's not true at all, but let's face it: in awkward relationship situations, whether it's straight-up cheating or more of a gray area, the woman gets blamed. Hell, I've blamed the woman several times before, in situations with friends and in my own life--I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

It's frustrating. I feel like we're now going back and forth, like "your move." "No, YOUR move." I wish I could make it clear that I will say yes, I won't turn him down, and I will take his cues. If he wants to be friends, that's totally cool (and it really is, I've crushed on all my straight guy friends at some point and it always, always passes once we spend some time together). If he wants to go for more...well, I won't stop him.

And I almost know that if I called, or texted, or even asked to hang out, he'd be very receptive. That said, if he asks me, calls me, texts me, I'll know he's not humoring me. Does that make sense?

I haven't said this until now, but the other day I remembered how I initially felt about Excalibur, in those halcyon days when I was pretty sure he liked me but didn't know 100%. I remember thinking he was really funny and cool and we had things in common, and if he wasn't into me like that, I'd be completely fine being his friend. I just wanted him in my world.

It's been almost 15 years, but now I feel that way about Jim Berger.

I just want him in my world.

Cue toughlove comment from Rock in 3, 2...

Bullet Points, by Rock

This has been a pretty quiet week on my end. Super busy. I felt like I needed to update though when I had to check to see what my last update was about.

Developments of note:

*Went on a date with a guy off of Scruff. We got along super well... in the most platonic way ever. When he texted the next day to say that he had a good time, I told him I did as well though it felt very platonic. He agreed and we've promised to be friends. We will see if that happens.

*Started emailing and now texting with another med student on OkCupid. He is at the end of the semester so we won't have a first date for a few weeks, but he seems really promising. I just wish we didn't start talking now, because I don't want to run out of steam in the next two weeks. I guess that's really not too far away and I should just be patient. As for now, we've been texting just the right amount. I get excited when I get one. I'm not overloaded with them. As always though, nothing more than cautious optimism until I actually meet him. Also, for as great as he seems, he is short. Call me an ass. Half a foot is a big difference.

*I deleted Scruff and Grindr from my phone. They're time wasters. I haven't had anything remotely close to good luck meeting people on them. I'm only going to get myself in trouble on them. Who knows if they'll be back on my phone eventually, but they are gone for now.

*This guy and I both rated each other highly on quickmatch. He wrote right away to suggest a drink. I logged on to read the message but didn't have time to respond so I was saving it for tonight. I just got ANOTHER message saying that he hoped he didn't come off crazy in the first message and hopes we can hang out sometime. Dude. You didn't seem crazy until you sent the second one. Just lost your chance. I am tempted to write and tell him that.

*I have just been craving alone time and friend time lately. I am pretty first-dated out. I wish I could skip that first month of dating and just be at that comfortable stage. Have someone to cuddle with. Oh well. Can you tell I'm on my second glass of wine?

And that's pretty much it.