Plans, by Doris

We have plans, Jim Berger and I.

To go out in public and do something. Together.

I realize I should probably cut my losses. Get out while I still can. Go out to a bar and hit on bloated frat boys or douchey hipsters.

Every time I realize this, I get another cute email. Have another fun conversation about Henry Darger or living in France. Smile yet again at something funny one of us said. Have two more hours of drunk texts (happened again last night).

The invitation unfolded organically. We were emailing back and forth yesterday: he was at work, I was running around doing errands after dance class.

He mentioned wanting to see a show. I said I was planning on going, which was true, if he wanted to join.

His words: "I'm in."

It's not for three weeks. I fully realize he could flake out on me before then.

Because Jim Berger is kind of a flake. I realize this. I know I shouldn't invest a lot of emotion in something that will likely go nowhere.

However.

He is cute. He is easy to talk to. He is there. He is making difficult workdays easier, just by being himself.

And right now, that is good enough for me.

Drunk Texts Part Deux, by Doris

Went out with Rock and the boys on Sunday night. Weather was gorgeous and because of the holiday everyone was out. It was one of those nights where the conversation en route to bar #1 went like this:

Me: I think I'll just have one drink. Maybe two. I'm kinda tired.
Rock: Yeah, I have stuff to do tomorrow. I'll probably go home around 11:30 or midnight.
Me: If this were a TV show, it would cut to us dancing on tables at 2:30 a.m.

Yup. Out till 3.

At bar #2, a couple drinks and two shots in, I wasn't scrape-me-off-the-floor wasted (that came later), but drunk enough to type this out on my phone:

"Drunk text. Hi."

Guess who was the recipient? I'll give you a hint.

JB was at a winding-down barbecue and was also tanked. We proceeded to text for two hours, through getting a ride home from friends/procuring and eating a sub/watching Meet the Press (him) and imbibing more drinks and shots/dancing to Lady Gaga/stumbling to another bar (me).

All with proper spelling, capitalization and punctuation. Proving to me that at least one other person in this world gets more pretentious when they're wasted.

Here's the kicker:

At one point, JB suggested we grab a drink sometime.

I didn't hear from him yesterday and he's not at work today (as I knew he wouldn't be, because he told me on Friday).

I don't know if I should follow up on the drink invitation.

On the one hand, in vino veritas and all that. On the other hand, to paraphrase The Hangover, we all say dumb shit when we're fucked up. Or at least shit we don't mean.

And it's not like he said this out loud. It's in a text. Meaning he can go back and read our conversation, and pursue that opportunity if he wants to. (I didn't say yes or no at the time. Just proceeded with the texting.)

I think it'll be interesting to see how he acts around me tomorrow, and if he even acknowledges Sunday night. I'm not going to be too hard on him if he doesn't. Drunk happens.

Drunk Text, by Doris

I lied. This is another Jim Berger post (but a short one).

Three emails Friday afternoon and evening.

And then...

I woke up Saturday morning to find this on my phone:

"Drunk text. I do it sometimes too."

Properly spelled and capitalized. AND a callback to a few weeks ago when we exchanged numbers and I said I promised not to drunk text him, as I am wont to do.

A few hours later, I texted: "Coffee. Eggs. Water. Ibuprofen."

Right back at me: "Coffee. V-8. Work. Oy."

And I left it at that.

Don't worry, I'm still strong.

But because I'm all about being honest on the blog I will admit:

It made me smile just a little.

Game Over, Man, by Doris

Last Jim Berger post ever, I swear:

So it's been over a week and no response to my "should we schedule a time to hang out?" email. Yet he's "liked" most of my Facebook posts and of course we've seen each other at work.

If we were in junior high, I could maybe forgive this.

He's 36.

Then this morning, I had to get something from him for our boss. We had a really nice face-to-face conversation. Then he sent me an email. Not acknowledging last week or anything (even though it was the same email thread. Seriously). Just a message related to something we had just discussed.

It's settled: this is a work friendship and nothing more.

Note: I'm almost completely sure he is still hung up on his ex-girlfriend. It's her last day in the office, as she's accepted a position elsewhere. It'll be interesting to see whether he starts communicating with me more once she is gone.

His loss. We have a lot in common and could have had a really nice friendship or friends-with-benefits deal. Hell, I told Rock that I would have been Jim Berger's rebound, as long as he was honest about it.

However, I don't have the time or the energy to decode mixed messages.

All he had to do was respond to last week's email with a "you know, I'm really not comfortable hanging outside of the office right now," or even a noncommittal, "I'll check my schedule and get back to you" if he wanted to let me off easy. If he didn't want to email, there is texting. There is coming to my desk and saying, "can I talk to you for a second?"

But no. There was no response, and a week and a half later it's like it never happened.

Over.

Speak for Someone You Don't Know, by Doris

So I think Jim Berger's a no-go.

I've had the feeling this whole week that it's shit or get off the pot time. Quite honestly, I'm tired of going back and forth. In an ideal world, I'd wait until his ex-girlfriend left the office in two weeks, but a) that feels really, really calculated, and b) I've never been good at waiting.

Let me stress first that it's FINE. I'm FINE. Some interactions don't go outside the office, for whatever reason. I'm a grown-up. I can handle it.

I had a really shitty morning yesterday. Nothing major, just a little inconvenience that became a big one. As someone who struggled with a bout of depression this past year, I try to be extra aware of these times of stress, so I can do things to improve my mood rather than stew in my own pissed-off juices, the latter of which is unproductive and unhealthy.

So I texted a friend and made a plan to see a movie the next night. (Turns out she was having a bad morning too.) And then, I emailed Jim and asked if he wanted to have a drink with me.

This last part, I had figured out with Rock. It sounded informal and off the cuff enough, but I had to remember not to take it personally if he was busy. As Rock reminded me, my own schedule is crazy and 90% of the time when someone asks me to hang out in a matter of hours, I have something else going already.

So he said no, he was baby-sitting and had a deadline.

I emailed back no worries, I know how crazy schedules can be. Should we plan for another time?

Haven't heard back.

And I'm done.

Again, it's FINE. I'm not mad. I'm maybe a little hurt, but whatever. It would have been nice to hang out even as friends but maybe he is not comfortable with that, and he has every right to his feelings.

Here's the thing, though:

I think he's still hung up on his ex.

DISCLAIMER: This is pure, unadulterated speculation on my part. I wasn't in that relationship. I don't know the circumstances. What follows is all personal theory, based on how I've seen them interact and what I know about exes.

Don't get me wrong, I believe exes can be friends. I think it's terrific when they can. I also applaud Jim Berger and his ex for always, always keeping it professional in the office, both when they were together and when they split up. Especially when the breakup was happening, you would have never known it was going on. Good for them.

I don't think his ex is intentionally leading him on...I know my friend, and I don't think she'd do that. I'm sure she thinks they really are good friends (and again, maybe they are, in which case he is a highly evolved straight man).

But...I know straight men. I know of ex friendships. Even Dan Savage, who is good friends with a couple of his exes, says that it's almost necessary to have a period where you don't hang out or even speak (and again, I acknowledge this is almost impossible for them in a small office environment).

If two exes are good friends immediately after the breakup, it poses one of two questions: a) are they still sleeping together?, or b) is one hoping to get back with the other?

She's moved on, so I'm almost certain it's not a). And here's the thing about straight guys (which I've experienced firsthand)...many of them will hang in there as your "friend" if they think there's potential for something more on the horizon. Just based on what I have witnessed, I would bet that's what Jim Berger was doing.

And I don't hold it against him, but I also don't need that shit.

Again, I'm not excessively bitter. That said, I did want to vent a little bit, and blogs are good for that. So thank you for listening to my rant.

Over and out.

Open Arms and Prison Cells, by Doris

The past few days have been a bit rough, for various reasons. One of the bright spots? None other than Jim Berger.

I really thought we were done emailing, so I was pleasantly surprised to find a cute message from him in my in-box Saturday morning.

And very soon, I am going to take the initiative and step it up.

I had this big come to Jesus moment on Friday night. What the hell have I got to lose? Absolutely nothing.

Especially since his ex just put in her two weeks' notice.

If you've been keeping up with The Story of Jim Berger and His Ex Aka Doris' Friend, you know this was a BIG factor in my moving so slowly. Granted, he could also be hesitant about hooking up with yet another coworker. He could not be into me that way at all.

Or he could be your classic clueless straight guy.

Back in grad school, a friend (a straight guy himself) told me that straight guys can be inherently stupid when it comes to knowing a girl is interested. I remember my friend saying, "The only way I know for sure a girl is interested is if she tells me, and even then I'm like, 'What? You like ME? Really?'"

So I'm slowly starting to step it up a bit.

Yesterday, I invited him to a show Rock and I were attending that night. Now, I wasn't going to be surprised if he said no, because: a) this was really really short notice, b) the show was very late at night, and c) it was a drag show, which isn't exactly a big comfort zone for many straight guys. The invitation was just a casual, natural segue in our email conversation, so I figured why not?

I was pleasantly surprised to not only get a "maybe" (because he was going to be at a dinner party where a lot of alcohol would be served, and he wasn't sure if he'd be up to it by then), but a revelation that Jim Berger himself used to regularly dress in drag with his band.

Which is just badass, and is further proof I want him in my life, even if it's only platonic.

The thing is, I like being the one who's asked. That said, I've dealt with shy/clueless guys before, and I'm not great at waiting. I really don't want to pass up the opportunity for what could be a fun relationship or a great friendship. And I'm talking about sending a text and/or seeing if he wants to see a movie this week. Not sitting outside his apartment singing love songs.

He gave me his number, which in my experience guys don't do if they don't want you contacting them. Could be he is deliberately leaving the ball in my court to see what I will do.

So I'm going to text.

Worst case scenario: he politely rebuffs me, I'm embarrassed for a couple of days, then we move on and everything's back to normal.

Wish me luck.

Stop Doing Everything Right, by Doris

During a 20-minute interaction this morning, Jim Berger:

1. Listened to me blather to a coworker about what I liked and didn't like about a film, plus interesting trivia, and didn't seem to think I was a blowhard (plus revealed he once interviewed the film's director).

2. When I mentioned I took dance, said he was a fan of my dance teacher, before knowing she was my teacher.

3. Asked me how I liked the British costume drama I saw the other night, and admitted to being the only guy in the theatre when he saw it.

Also, after a fairly shitty argument with a friend last night, I checked my email to find a message from him.

I am giggling and singing to myself. Not good.

He gets until the middle of next week to take the initiative, then I'm asking him to hang out.

I can't pass up this opportunity, even if it just turns out to be friendship. It's really tough to initiate a platonic deal with a straight guy when he's just started a new relationship. New girlfriends tend not to like new girl friends.

He Likes Jane Austen, by Doris

Still haven't called Hunter Parrish. Probably will tonight. I intended to last night, but I'm taking some much needed "me-time" and didn't want the stress that goes with calling a boy who gave you his card at a bar three days ago. Which hasn't happened to me in a looong time, I might add.

As for Jim Berger...the short but cute emails keep coming, back and forth, fast and furious. We're into a lot of the same things. He can cook and bake really well, and I want to ask him to teach me but I'm too shy to do so (and that's a lot to ask of someone). We've both gotten a little teasing and flirty the way you only can in writing.

This has been going on for over a week. I keep waiting for it to stop. It doesn't.

At this point, I know Rock will yell at me to do something about it. To call or text, as I now have his number which he freely gave to me. To just freaking ask if he wants to see a movie, grab a coffee or a drink, go to a play (yes, he likes going to the theatre. Fuck me).

I want to make it clear: Rock has a very valid point.

I just want Jim to be the one who initiates.

There are a few reasons for this: my sister and I were saying last night that maybe it makes us bad feminists, but we like it when a guy makes the first move, even if it's just platonic. There's something about feeling wanted, whether it's by a friend or a potential makeout buddy.

Also, there's the elephant in the room known as his ex-girlfriend who's also my friend.

Again, even if it turns out to be platonic, I don't want it to look like I was biding my time until the breakup so I could pursue him. That's not true at all, but let's face it: in awkward relationship situations, whether it's straight-up cheating or more of a gray area, the woman gets blamed. Hell, I've blamed the woman several times before, in situations with friends and in my own life--I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

It's frustrating. I feel like we're now going back and forth, like "your move." "No, YOUR move." I wish I could make it clear that I will say yes, I won't turn him down, and I will take his cues. If he wants to be friends, that's totally cool (and it really is, I've crushed on all my straight guy friends at some point and it always, always passes once we spend some time together). If he wants to go for more...well, I won't stop him.

And I almost know that if I called, or texted, or even asked to hang out, he'd be very receptive. That said, if he asks me, calls me, texts me, I'll know he's not humoring me. Does that make sense?

I haven't said this until now, but the other day I remembered how I initially felt about Excalibur, in those halcyon days when I was pretty sure he liked me but didn't know 100%. I remember thinking he was really funny and cool and we had things in common, and if he wasn't into me like that, I'd be completely fine being his friend. I just wanted him in my world.

It's been almost 15 years, but now I feel that way about Jim Berger.

I just want him in my world.

Cue toughlove comment from Rock in 3, 2...

Fun With Numbers, by Doris

Earlier this week, I was sent a one-line message that did not contain proper grammar. Normally, that is a dealbreaker, but I liked the thumbnail picture of the guy's face so I clicked on it.

Hello, Six-Pack.

As I tend to go for the underfed hipster with just enough tummy to love type, I was intrigued. After Rock confirmed that the pictures were definitely not Photoshopped, I sent Six-Pack a message saying what's up. We agreed to meet for a drink Saturday at my favorite neighborhood dive bar.

I was fully intending to vet him and make sure he wasn't a serial killer (I've watched way too much 48 Hours, aka Don't Be a Single Woman Who Enjoys Sex Or YOU WILL DIE), and then take him home with me. Even if I got a weird feeling, I was probably at least going to make out with him at the bar. I arranged for a friend to call at midnight and make sure everything was okay.

I got there at 9, our designated meeting time. At 9:15, I knew he wasn't coming.

Now, to be fair, I'm not sure what happened. On Thursday night after we'd decided on a date and time, I messaged him asking for his cell phone number. I'm not a big phone person, but I like to have this before a date so I can call or text if I'm running late (which I usually am). Never heard back. Granted, I just moved, as did half of my city, and I don't yet have Internet at home: in fact, I had to send this last message from Rock's computer. It could very well be he's in the same situation and only has sporadic access to OKCupid. Maybe something did happen and he had no way of getting ahold of me.

Or maybe he's just a jackass who got a better offer.

Either way, I decided to wait another 15 minutes, as I was enjoying sitting around and drinking a beer.

Then, a very cute guy walked into the bar. He was alone, and appeared to be waiting for someone. I was pretty sure it wasn't Six-Pack, but there was a little resemblance, and sometimes people look different from their pictures. And if it really was Six-Pack, maybe he hadn't seen me yet.

A year ago this totally wouldn't have happened. Last night, I took a chance.

I took myself and my beer to the stool next to him.

"Excuse me," I said, "but has anyone ever told you, you look like Hunter Parrish?"

(He totally did, by the way.)

So it wasn't Six-Pack. But HP was a nice guy who is an artist and has three other jobs, who had just come from a concert and was waiting for his (male) friend. We had a fun little conversation (during which the word "girlfriend" didn't come up at all), and after he got a text from his friend asking him to meet elsewhere, I decided to walk out with him. I didn't tell HP my exact situation, just that I was waiting for someone too and I didn't think they were going to show.

Before we parted ways, he gave me his card.

And those weren't the only digits I scored yesterday.

Besides seeing each other at work, Jim Berger and I have been emailing back and forth for over a week. Just little things: our weekend plans, joking/bitching about work, etc. He contacted me yesterday, recommending a play, and saying he should have asked me to join him as he had a free ticket and his friend bailed at the last minute.

Seeing my opening, I emailed back: "For next time, or if you find yourself stranded at the movies: [my phone number]."

Less than two hours later, I get a reply: "Your number is now in my phone, so expect calls if I'm stranded. Or otherwise." Also, his number.

I have no idea where this is going.

I can't wait to find out.

So Wrong Yet So Right, by Doris

Quick updates:

1. Bonding with a guy over Danny Pudi (comedic genius) via OKCupid messaging. He also correctly guessed the origin of my screen name. Granted, this can be accomplished via Google, but still, points for effort!

2. Trying to arrange a meetup time with Wings. Feels like we've been messaging forever, as I had to take a little break to get some personal stuff in order.

3. This guy sent me a "ur hot" message. Normally that is a dealbreaker. Then I saw his six-pack. I messaged him back.

4. Had a great conversation with a coworker (not Jim Berger) about exes, craving alone time, and hearing your neighbors have sex. Nothing romantic, just fun to bond over stupid dating and relationship stories.

5. Speaking of JB, he sent me a cute email and referred to me as Ms. Doris. MS. Sa-fucking-WOON.

Oh, and this song is playing in the coffee shop and I love it.

The Safety Dance, by Doris

So The Hair and I are scheduled to go out tomorrow night, have a glass of wine and maybe see a movie. Between working long hours (with more to come this weekend!) and preparing to move apartments, I am suspecting a glass or two of wine may be all I can handle. We'll see. I'd be very surprised if a third date comes of this--he's really nice, but I just can't get all that excited--but I am trying to keep an open mind.

I'm also messaging with a guy I'll call Wings because he and I both enjoy eating wings. The messages are very looong so I'm hoping we'll meet up soon.

And in the meantime...

Remember my friend's ex, who's also my friend, for whom I've had feelings in the past?

Let's call him Jim Berger. Jim as in Jim and Pam from The Office, because he works with me (though not in the same department). Berger as in Jack Berger from Sex and the City, because he is a writer (though to my knowledge, he has not dumped anyone via Post-It).

Can you tell Rock and I like TV?

So he's a quiet guy, laid-back, sweet. I've known him for several years but have gotten to know him better in the past year when we worked on a couple of projects together and he started dating my friend (also a coworker). We're both writers, like the theatre and movies, have stuff in common.

He's always been very complimentary of my writing--not this blog, which he doesn't know exists, but some of my other stuff on the Web. And he's an excellent writer and has a nice little freelance career going, so I value those compliments. He's said my writing style makes him want to improve his own, which, WOW. He's also trying to help me score some freelance gigs of my own, which is really nice considering how competitive the market can be.

And lately...there's been this energy between us.

Nothing too drastic. Just more chatting, some Facebook messaging, emails back and forth. Shy smiles. That sort of thing. Just a wee bit more than friendly.

I'm not delusional. I don't think this is going to lead to anything. I think we are both stressed out about various life-y things right now, and feel comfortable with each other.

And sometimes that's enough.

Energy manifests in different ways. I mean, Rock and I had energy from day one. Not a romantic energy, but it led to a friendship going on eleven years. Having energy with someone doesn't mean you're going to sleep with them. Or that you even want to. (Okay, I wouldn't be opposed in this case. But anyway...)

I'm not going to stop dating people or pine away for this dude. But I'm going to enjoy what we've got.

'Cause I don't know what Jim Berger's opinion is, but I think this is damn nice.