I realized this was a pretty common dealio for me. A little bit of a stomach, for example, could be charming on a straight dude, but I don't want it on the guy I'm dating.
I think it has less to do with the stomach and more with the accessibility. Looking at my past bunch of relationships, the common denominator for the ones that hurt me (for new readers, I did a recap of my Evil Exes that you can go back and find in the archives) is that I've been way more emotionally involved than them.
And I'm sure you're all saying, "Duh." That's obviously the case always when someone gets hurt. But I think it's more than that with me. I think that two issues are at play here.
1- I tend to view myself as a work in progress. I'm not entirely happy with where I am in life right now, so if someone is completely sold on me I take that as a character flaw on their part.
2- I really enjoy the hunt or the chase when it comes to dating. I like to be the aggressor and win the other person over. In old-fashioned sexist terms, to be the "guy." Plan the date, try and impress them, try and pay even when my wallet can't afford it, etc.
And I think because of these two issues I tend to go for guys that aren't at a place in life where they can invest 100% or guys that are maybe a little out of my league and need a rebound or something. I don't think it's really a conscious thing on my part, but it's definitely the common denominator in most of the guys I've had relationships with.
And so I'm trying to switch it up a little right now with whom I'm going on dates with. Trying to be aware of what I'm going after. Trying to realize my own value and assess whether I really want to find "ever after" now or if I'm subconsciously holding out for something better when I feel like I am better. I'm starting to feel this awareness of this dichotomy in my brain of wanting something that won't last forever, but not being able to actively engage unless I think it could last forever.
This is a work in progress, obviously. But the realization is definitely a big first step.
Also worth noting is an intense disinterest in intimacy, both emotional and physical, since it ended with 2.0. I feel like tiny little serfs are currently building a ten-foot-tall wall around me. I think in a way this could be a good thing, but to continue an awful cliche-filled metaphor, it would be good if we could revise the plans and bring the wall down to about four feet.
I was listening to a Savage Love podcast where Dan said that sometimes heteros crush on homos and vice versa because there's no tension. Because you intrinsically know there's no way you'd get with this person, the stakes are low and you can just be yourself and enjoy the interaction.
ReplyDeleteLooking at it that way, I think that's partly why I enjoy going to gay bars. I generally don't crush on the gays, but it's fun to hang out and look at cute boys without worrying about bad pickup lines or anyone grabbing my ass (though the latter HAS happened at gay bars. I guess I just have a great ass).
I know what you mean about feeling deserving of someone else. I made a lot of mistakes with Excalibur that I still feel guilty about, and because of that, sometimes I'm convinced I'm too damaged for a truly good guy. Never mind that I was very young at the time and I'd never repeat those mistakes if I could help it. I feel like it still follows me around, and with that knowledge, why would any dude ever really be into me? There was an article yesterday on Jezebel about being kind to oneself. I need to have that tattooed on me.
I totally feel you on your post.
ReplyDeleteEspecially the first point that you made: How can someone fall for me when I'm imperfect and have all of these (perceived) inadaquacies? It had me thinking of the Ghroucho Marx quote; "I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." :-D But to look at it from a different perspective perhaps the person does see your flaws but is more accepting of them than you are. Or they may see you as a work in progress as well.
I'm glad that you realize your own value and are keeping your standards high. There is no need to jump into anything.
I also adore Dan savage.
SomeXsBlue, I've always loved that Groucho Marx quote. :) It's so true!
ReplyDeleteGlad to know Rock and I aren't alone in our neuroses. Thanks for reading!
SomeXsBlue. "There is no need to jump into anything." TOTALLY my mantra once again after a few months of crazy "This is too good to be true, gotta lock it down." That's just really too long for a mantra anyways.
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