So you have a first date. Someone has sparked your interest enough to warrant at least an hour of your time. You have to be hoping it goes well, if only for the reason that it could possibly be your last first date ever.
I don't understand this current trend of guys showing up for first dates with a 4 foot wall built around them. Short enough that I can climb over it, but tall enough to be a pain in the ass.
I get this from guys that obviously were hoping for better than me and I never hear from again. I get that. But I also get this from guys that eventually show interest in me (2.0 was really guarded the first half of our first date, for example).
Either way, I don't get it. You wouldn't go into a job interview with your guard up just in case you didn't get it. Why wouldn't you go into a date doing everything you can to make sure it went well? Even if you're not immediately sold, wouldn't you want the hour you've committed to to be as painless as possible?
The minute I walk in, eye contact, smile, engaging questions, funny anecdotes about my day. If you are on a first date with me, you should never find out what kind of phone I have because it stays in my pocket the entire time. My shoulders are parallel to yours. People skills. Come on.
Drink last night with a guy. Ice cream with a guy tonight. Both of them were seated not looking directly at me. Both kept texting. Both offered very little conversation starters. Both warmed up at the end but started off so cold and awkward that I was afraid (briefly) that I was ugly. Neither will be getting second dates (though in all honesty I think only one will ask me for one).
The next boy who meets me out, excited for the potential without being sold on me before he gets to know me will steal my heart.*
*Disclaimer: He must also be hot and not old.
"he must be hot and not old" seems as much a barrier as the one you believe these guys are putting up towards you.....
ReplyDeleteIm just a new reader but you seem to be as limited as these unfortunates you date.
Scott
Scott! Thanks for reading and commenting. Let's have a conversation though.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, it was clearly a joke. Like most humor, it was based in truth, but it was a joke. So take it with a grain of salt.
Let's talk about this though.
I think it's very important to be physically attracted to the person you date, as well as emotionally and sexually attracted. I said "hot." I didn't say "model for A&F." I didn't say "body of an Olympic athlete." I didn't say "Darren Criss." I've dated unconventionally hot guys before with big noses, thin biceps, a little bit of chunk. I've found them all incredibly, incredibly attractive. "Hot" is pretty relative.
You know what else is relative? Age. How do you know how old is too old for me? For all you know 65 is okay but 70 is pushing it. But actually, you're right on this one. I'm really big on dating close to my age. My parents were really young with they had me, and if you have more in common with them than with me, then it starts to weird me out. I think I'm allowed. I have plenty of young attractive friends that like the idea of dating older men. To each his own. Not my thing.
Finally, I'll paraphrase Dan Savage, one of my favorites, when I say that if you're conventionally unattractive and whining that some conventionally attractive person won't see your "inner beauty," maybe you should stop being a hypocrite and go find the inner beauty in some other conventionally unattractive person. And if the person you're crushing on won't see your inner beauty, maybe you should admit that you're not seeing their inner beauty and only attracted to what's on the outside. There's obviously not much of a connection there.
Texting on a date is beyond fucking rude. Unless your date is in the bathroom, and then the phone goes straight into your pocket the SECOND you see them coming back. Never EVER while they are sitting right in front of you. Honestly, you are nicer than I am: I most likely would have left.
ReplyDeleteAs for the "hot and not old," I've always loved Dan's outlook on the attraction issue. My "hot" and your "hot" are not the same. Excalibur was no Jon Hamm, yet I was always insanely attracted. Even the Hollywood celebs I crush on tend to be the ones who DON'T look like movie stars, if that makes sense.
But yes, there has to be something about the guy that physically pushes my buttons. I don't have to want to jump him in the first second, but I have to be intrigued.
And age is a factor. The youngest guy I've ever crushed on was five years younger. The oldest was five years older. However, I too have friends who like much older. It's a very personal thing. Last week I got a very nice message from a guy, but I didn't respond. Why? Among other things, he is ten years older than I. I just couldn't see it happening.
This is why leaving comments is akin to trying to read meaning in text conversations. :-) So many ways to interpret
ReplyDeleteI guess the comment reminded me so much of the vapid profiles on sites like OKCupid, manhunt, gaydar etc with the "I like everybody except asians, fats or femmes"
Your stories are well told and the statement seemed awry with what else I have read...
Hot is in the the of the beholder as is "how old" the person is and if it is right for you or not. We agree on that. I just found it seemed wrong for you and your search... and again that is a just an opinion.
PS I also loved Dans comment you paraphased.... don't worry, I try to keep it in mind when I meet people... and I am not one of the unconventional beauties... I do OK --- I am not a femme, fattie or a racial stereotype that people may dislike.
I just like to keep my options open
I like your blog, good luck with the search and keep your options open. :-)
Scott
That's another thing we can agree on, Scott! I also am turned off when guys limit their type so much on a profile. In fact, even if I meet their "criteria," the simple fact that they have criteria is a bit of a dealbreaker. Why limit yourslef? To use your example, not many Asians do it for me. But the two Asians that I have dated are two of the most attractive men I've dated. I'm currently crushing on a straight Asian guy that I play dodgeball with. It's always the exception that breaks the rule, and I wouldn't want to limit myself. I'm glad I met those guys. And to think about it, there are a whole bunch of white guys that don't do it for me either.
ReplyDeleteFor me, attraction is mostly about energy, which makes online dating so hard.
Thanks again for reading and discussing! Glad you're here!