If only Evil Ex #2 was as hot as Chris Evans.I met EE#2 online the January of my senior year of high school. He was a freshman at the college in a nearby town. He was gay, he was nice to me, and after EE#1, that's really all it took. We started dating. When I went to college that fall, we did long distance for a school year, and then (with my parents' disapproval but willingness to let us make our mistakes and learn from them) he moved in with me and transfered to a college near me. It lasted until the fall of my junior year, though it should have been over much sooner.
More on that in a minute.
To give EE#2 some credit, he wasn't always a bad boyfriend. He helped me get over a lot of issues, especially those caused by EE#1. Someone needed to clean up those pieces and deal with those insecurities. And he was willing.
Or was he? It came out toward the end that he was hugely resentful of some of the things I had asked of him. For example, I was uncomfortable with him drinking when I wasn't around. Now in all fairness, this is something that I shouldn't have been uncomfortable with. What he should have said was, "I can understand how you could be uncomfortable, but you should be able to trust me when I'm having a good time with my friends. I'm not going to do anything to hurt you." Instead he said, "Not a problem. I don't have to drink when you're not around." Then he built up all of this resentment against me.
By the end of the relationship, we were having fights on a regular basis, some of them turning a little physical. If we were out in public, he would want to deal with it immediately and had no problem having a fight in public. I much preferred to wait until we got home to deal with issues.
It just sucks being 20, and having the following conversation:
"Do you think we should break up?"
"We're in a lease. Let's try to make it work."
Of course it took a catalyst to actually break up. I had a crush on this guy in one of my classes. EE#2 had always said that if I had feelings for anyone else he would give me his blessing to explore them to some degree. So I filled EE#2 in and he freaked out. He tried to call my bluff (his later admission) and told me we would have to take a break if I really needed to explore those feelings. So we took a break. It turned into a break-up. A break-up that should have happened months and months if not years before.
So what is this suitcase full of?
1-For a while I was very concerned- overly concerned- that guys were telling me what I wanted to hear and building up resentment instead of actually just being okay with things. I've asked "Are you sure?" enough times to be annoying. With the help of EE#5 (foreshadowing!) and a therapist, there is now an implicit trust that we are talking about everything that you want to talk about. If you don't bring something up or lie about something, that's on you and that's your issue. I return the favor. There is a strict no-bullshit rule. If there is a discussion to be had, we have it.
2-This has to do with watching my parents fight a lot as well, but I don't fight anymore. I have discussions. I have rational discussions filled with "I" statements. I'm not saying they don't get heated sometimes, and I'm not saying I haven't slipped up once, but they don't get dirty. If you have a temper, I'm not going to be very forgiving.
3-It will be a VERY BIG DEAL the next time I live with a boyfriend. We will move into a new apartment not previously lived in by one of us. We will keep the surplus furniture in storage. We will have an "escape clause" in case one of us gets unhappy, a way to get out of the lease or something.
4-Because you see, I firmly believe that unconditional love is for parents and kids, and even then it makes me uncomfortable. Love is so much better when you earn it. I want my partner to be happy and grateful each day that I'm in his life. If he's not, then do us both a favor and move on. I don't care if it's five days into a relationship or fifty years. Let me earn your love, and do me the favor of earning mine back.
Now, for Doris' commentary:
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, I wasn't very nice to EE2 at first. Part of this was because I was still protective of Rock (who was gradually coming out to everyone at this point), and as EE2 was also older than he (though not as much older as EE1), I was worried it was going to be EE1 all over again.
Admittedly, I was also a little jealous of EE2. I was worried Rock wouldn't be my friend anymore. Sadly, this issue carried over for several years and I feel I'm just now starting to kick it. To be fair, I HAVE experienced this with other friends when they got into big relationships. Never with Rock, though. He's good like that.
So eventually, I got to know EE2. He was a nice guy. Granted, during the tenure of their relationship, Rock and I were not as close--not because of EE2, but because we were kind of doing our own things. We still hung out and talked, but not nearly as much. Weirdly enough, the day he called me about the EE2 breakup was when we started growing closer again--I attribute that less to "the boyfriend's out of his life now" and more to "that's just the way life worked out."
I liked EE2. I'm glad he was there for Rock. That said . . . I never quite warmed to him. I always felt he just wasn't good enough for my best friend. He wasn't as intelligent or driven. They dealt with things differently--not always a bad thing, but I felt there was a big gap.
I will still say hi to EE2 when I see him in public (which does happen sometimes). I would never curse him out like I would EE1. He was/is a nice dude.
But in the end, nice isn't always enough.