Texts From Last Night: OKCupid Setup, by Doris

The following texts were taken from Rock and Doris' cell phones as they set up OKCupid accounts in their respective apartments.

NOTE: Doris had just come home from burlesque rehearsal, was sore as hell and just wanted to watch The Sing-Off, when she received a text from Rock.

Rock: I'm two beers in with nothing else to do tonight if you wanna make okcupid profiles.

Doris: I'm wearing flannel pajama bottoms and eating mashed potatoes. Sexiest thing EVER.

Rock: Work it girl.

Doris: Christ, I am low on pics. Oh well. Will use an okay one for now.

Rock: I can't even settle on a username.

Doris: You? Come on! You're so creative! And you're tipsy to boot! Just do "Ilikecock" and call it a day.

Rock: Haha I'm sure it's taken.

Doris: I just sent my mom an email asking for cute pics of me. I am blaming you. If she asks, you said I should have more pictures on Facebook.

Rock: I picked a name.

Doris: What was the first thing you noticed about me? (NOTE: this was a reference to one of OkCupid's 5,000,360 questions.)

Rock: That you could give me a ride. (NOTE: Rock was not of driving age when he met Doris.)

Rock: Am I skinny, average, fit or athletic?

Doris: You are fit . . . I think I'm going overboard on the "favorites."

Doris: Six things I could never do without? WTF does that mean?

Rock: That's such a weird question. I think these are all purposely vague.

Doris: If I put I'm looking for casual sex, I'm gonna get a lot of creeps. Damn you, double standards.

Rock: It's true.

Doris: I have no idea if I'm doing this right.

Doris: Am I fit, average, athletic or curvy?

Rock: You have a curvy body type but curvy makes you sound fat which you're not. I could make arguments for fit or average or curvy to be honest. Probably not curvy.

Doris: I have the same reservations about curvy. Athletic? I dunno. I have muscles and big shoulders.

Rock: Athletic makes me think no boobs and six pack.

(NOTE: Doris has boobs and no six pack.)

Doris: Dammit, I wish curvy meant what it is supposed to mean!

Rock: Fit.

Rock: Haha I don't know if anyone is going to be attracted to this profile. I kind of sound like an ass.

Doris: I was just thinking that about mine!!!

Do Rock and Doris, indeed, sound like asses? Will attractive men see through their false bravado and ask them out? Stay tuned . . .

FUN FACT: Rock was once in a commercial about texting while driving.