Scott Pilgrim didn't really do it for me. It was fine. I enjoyed it on some level, but the entire thing felt like it valued being clever over entertaining. That being said, I thought the big metaphor of your new partner having to "fight" the baggage left by your exes was pretty spot-on. It got me thinking about who my "evil" exes are, and what prospective boyfriends have to battle to fully land in my comfort zone. So for the next few days, travel with me into the land of backstory and issues galore. Thank god this blog is anonymous.
Evil Ex #1. This one will be the worst. I promise.Let me take you back to the summer before my senior year of high school. I had just figured out that I was a big homo and was starting to come to terms with it. I was doing a show at a big outdoor theater with Doris and I had just filled her in on my big discovery.
Also in the show was Evil Ex #1 (EE1). He was someone that I had always been aware of in the theater community. He was a few years older (20 if I'm remembering correctly) and one night after rehearsal he actually very sweetly said that he had developed feelings for me and if I reciprocated, he would like to go out on a date. I explained that I was still figuring things out, still in the closet, but yes that sounded like fun.
We made plans one night after a show to take a blanket out to the park and look at the stars. This was very sweet to my naive, romantic, Lloyd Dobler-loving 17-year-old self. I didn't realize that it was code for "let's fool around."
So that night I had my first kiss. Then clothes started to come off. I was a little surprised, but I was enjoying the attention and went along with it. Then underwear started coming off. Again, just kind of went along with it.
I kept going along with things. The night I kissed a boy for the first time, I also gave my first blow job, and lost my virginity. I realize I didn't say no, but the pressure was there and EE#1 definitely took advantage.
Then there was the night I did say no, and we had sex anyways.
I still continued to date him through the mind games and borderline abuse. One day he "thought he was falling in love with me." Another he was making me choose between my friend and my "boyfriend" giving me a ride home (he just wanted to fool around). He used to tell me that people were picking up on me being gay and us being a couple if he didn't want me around for a while. If we showed affection in public he'd make something up after about someone muttering about fags, just to mess with my head. He got pretty distant at one point and didn't understand why I was being clingy when it "wasn't like we were boyfriends or anything." When it "ended" I cried and I kind of hate myself for that now. It took me months and years to fully register all that had happened.
Through therapy, very nice boyfriends, and very good friends, I've made my peace with this. For the most part I'm pretty much over it. It's been over 8 years. A few issues still manifest.
1- I worry a lot about guys I date feeling pressured to fool around at first. I usually am ready to fool around first, and I worry that they feel pressure, almost to the point of anxiety.
2- If I'm not in the mood to fool around and someone tries more than twice to get me in the mood, I get more upset with them than I should. I realize where this issue is coming from and I can explain it, but I wish I could just let them try to get me in the mood. Because without this issue, they probably could. Instead it becomes more about whether or not they'll respect my wishes, even if they're coming from a good, happy, friendly place.
3- When first meeting someone, if they hit on me too overtly, I shut them down even more than most people would.
4- This is a weird one. He always used to sing. Not just to sing, but he'd sing to me. Like he was serenading me. But it was never about me, it was about him showing off. Now I get really uncomfortable when people sing "to" me. I just kind of shut it off and wait for them to stop.
So there you go. The first suitcase of baggage for 2.0 to get past.
Doris here. I have taken it upon myself to comment on each of Rock's EE's, as I'm pretty sure I knew most of them.
ReplyDeleteI HATED EE1. Still do. If I passed him on the street, most likely I would have some words for him that aren't suitable for children if ya get my drift.
I've always considered myself protective of Rock (not only am I 4.5 years older, it's just sort of in my nature with all my friends), and never was I more protective of him than that summer. I mean, he was young and cute and not really out yet. He was very, very vulnerable.
A good guy would have recognized this and gone about courting Rock in a respectful way. Taken it slow. EE1 was the very opposite of good.
And this was hard for me. To be sure, it was a million times harder for Rock. I'm not taking anything away from his experience.
But to watch all of this happen and know you couldn't do anything about it, really, really sucked.
Yup, I still hate EE1.