Big Fat Sigh, by Doris

In my messages tonight:

"You are heart-aching-adorable."

Aw. Too bad he sports a nasty soul patch. I can't get past that.

"Finally, someone who agrees Mike was the superior MST3K host."

Aw. Too bad he kind of resembles Fat Neil from Community. Can't get past that either.

And now, Doris' rules of OKCupid engagement:

1. Please don't ask me out in the first message--like before I've even messaged you back. You wouldn't walk up to somebody and ask them to coffee without exchanging a few words first, right?

2. If your username/screenname/handle/whatever contains a reference to masturbation...just no.

3. Photos of you in a bar with your friends? Cool. Photos of you with a cigarette and/or joint hanging out of your mouth? Ew.

4. I want to know you've actually read my profile. A message about my hotness doesn't indicate that. On the contrary, it tells me you're sending the same damn thing to 15 girls.

5. If we're on a date and you discreetly and politely check me out, that's fine. If you are sending me a message complimenting the size of my chest, you WILL get a rude retort right before I block your ass.

And finally...

6. If you don't post at least ONE picture of yourself, I won't assume you're too hot for the interwebs. I WILL assume: a) there's something seriously wrong with you physically, b) you're too damn lazy to press a button, which does not bode well for how you will treat me in public and private, or c) all of the above.

Have no fear, gentle readers and snarky Rock: there are a few gentlemen with definite potential I'm messaging with.

Happy Friday!

Flattered but Unsure, by Doris

A few years ago, I lost my job and decided to undergo a major career change. In the meantime, I did a seasonal stint at one of my favorite stores. Most of this time was spent ogling the ass of my douchey punk rock coworker who had a girlfriend. I really know how to pick 'em, huh?

So in the wake of the Russian fallout, I'm back on OKCupid and find this message:

Well, this is going to be either sweet or mildly creepy.

I was browsing and stumbled upon your profile...not sure if you remember me at all, but we worked together briefly at [store]. I don't think we spoke two words to each other, and reading in reading your profile, I simply didn't know a thing about you. Which is obvious, because we never talked.

Well....I did find you incredibly cute, and your book and film picks are excellent. If I didn't make myself out to be totally standoffish in my profile (which I think I did...I have to roll up my sleeves and do some editing), I'd love to hear back from you.

No, it's not from a now-single douchey punk rocker. (And it's kinda sad how I sort of hoped it was. What can I say? He's cute.)

Instead, it's from a guy who I believe still works at the store, which I frequent.

And I am flattered as all get-out.

I mean, he thought I was cute then? Damn! To put things in context for you, I was a good 15-20 pounds heavier, wore glasses (not that glasses can't be cute, but I look way better with contacts), and had a fashion sense that can only be described as Post Grad I Have No Idea What the Hell Looks Good Oh Look Cheap Polo Shirts! (Okay, maybe he means he finds me cute now, but I'd love to think someone found me cute then.) And honestly, this is one of the nicest messages I've ever gotten. It made my day. I'm not creeped out at all.

I only wish I were attracted to him. He's always been very professional and courteous when I've visited the store. In fact, he sent this about a month ago, so I wonder if he's been eyeing me since then when I've visited the store, wondering if I got the message or why I haven't responded.

And honestly, I'm not sure what to do here. I mean, like I said, I'm really flattered. He's one of those nice guys that if I had any sense I'd totally go after.

That said, I don't want to even have coffee. He's just not my type physically and I can't ever see it happening even in the short-term.

So what do I do? Send him a "you're really sweet but not my type" message? Ignore it? Whaddaya think?

More Fun With Messages!, by Doris

While Rock's been in woo woo loveland with 2.0, I have been messaged by various jackasses on the ol' OKC. Why is it that every dude who deigns to message me first is so repugnant?

He said:

hows my future wifey doing besides gorgeous? :-) [sic]

I said:

Trying to decide which is more horrifying: your lack of apostrophes or your use of the word "wifey."

He said:

why did i want . . . to scream "hooray for boobies" when i viewed your profile . . . oh yeah that's right ;)

I said:

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Good luck finding someone that actually works on.

NOTE TO MEN ON OKCUPID: Cutesy-pie emoticons do not excuse bad punctuation/grammar, sexual harassment, or the word "wifey." Come ON.

Well, New Year's Eve is upon us: hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday. Come tomorrow, I'll be the gal at yoga class with a genuine grin on my face, because I have this to come home to:

OK, on the Inception DVD. Still counts!

Speaking of cuties on film, this video goes out to a very special gay who just got laid. Rock-N-Rolla (see what I did there?), this is for you.

That's the Fun Message!, by Doris

From the OKCupid In-box Files of Doris:

He said:

The first thing I'm going to do is be an asshole and yell at you about posting a Black Swan spoiler in your profile.

(NOTE: my profile says something about the lead character in Black Swan going cuckoo. That's IT.)

I said:

Dear Asshole,

If you've seen even ten seconds of a Black Swan trailer, you can kind of guess where ol Natty P's character is going mentally.

Plus, the movie's been out a week.

It's not like I told you who Tyler Durden is. (HINT: IT'S ED NORTON.)

He said:

You look like Meg Ryan. The natural looking pretty Meg Ryan, not the plastic surgery and fake fat lips Meg Ryan. How much do I have to pay you to do the diner scene. LOL.

I said:

Nothing. If there's one thing I DON'T want to do, it's prostitute myself. Wrong word choice, dude. Wrong word choice.

He said:

Hi, how are you? How was your weekend? How do you like the cold and snow?

I didn't say, though I really, really wanted to:

WHY IS YOUR PROFILE PIC A TREE LIZARD? DO YOU REALLY THINK A TREE LIZARD WILL GET YOU LAID?

Coming soon: an update on the boys who DO write articulately, the politics of New Year's Eve, and gearing up for my very first date!