Drought Nearly Over, by Doris

So I'm in the midst of arranging dates with two different boys, plus messaging with another. Although with the latter, I'm not sure if he's genuinely interested or it's a "courtesy reply."

Addendum to Doris' Rules of OKCupid Engagement:

Don't message me back if you're not interested. I don't care what the dating sites tell you. If I don't hear back from you, I get it--and that's if I even remember messaging you in the first place. I think it's far ruder for you to turn me down or to disappear after I ask to meet you, than to be polite and not waste my time or yours by forgoing the "courtesy reply."

The thing is--and I really hesitate to say this because I know my sister reads this blog, but what the hell. Sis, consider yourself warned--I'm almost more about sex than dating at this time. What can I say? It's been a while. I'd even take a good makeout. And when I noticed that at least two guys I was interested in had "casual sex" on their "interested in"--among other things like "short-term dating"--well, it wasn't exactly a deterrent.

As Rock and I discussed when setting up our profiles a few months ago, I don't want the inevitable pervy-straight-dude responses I'd get if I listed "casual sex" among my "interested in"'s. A shitty double standard, but it exists. I'm interested in dating-dating too. Really. I just need to get some physical stuff out of my system, ya dig?

In fact, I nearly propositioned a dude via message, but then Rock reminded me how I hate when a guy asks me out in the very first message. I don't want to be a hypocrite.

And speaking of hypocrites, I just broke my own rule and messaged a guy whose profile picture features him and a girl. They weren't faux making out, though.

3 of 3, by Rock

First an addendum to date #2, we've continued chatting and texting- he's even helping me get a job at his company. Hopefully he feels the platonic friend vibes as well, I think he does, but I'm a little concerned that he doesn't.

Date #3 was so awkward. A lot of awkward pauses. He definitely showed up wanting to not like me. I even texted Doris that I was going to put in my hour and go. Then we kept drinking and kept drinking and then all of a sudden we were making out in this straight bar. We went our separate ways, no talking or texting since. We might be at the same event tonight. But there's definitely no future there. Even if the trashy PDA was fun.

I got the FedEx box full of my clothes from 2.0 today. I texted him a thank you, he texted back that he hoped I had a good birthday. Maybe there will be a little more closure now that I have my stuff back, though I fear he might be at the event tonight as well.

The search continues. Also supposed to see The Faux Spaniard again on Wednesday.

First Date 2 of 3, by Rock

It's barely worth writing about. We both enjoyed ourselves. I'm pretty sure we both found it pretty platonic. We had a drink and dinner then went back to my place and watched some television while partaking in a little pot. We hugged good-bye and said we should hang again.

No sparks, no zsa zsa zsu, no worries. Next!

That's a Dealbreaker, Ladies!, by Doris

An addition to Doris' Rules of OKCupid Engagement:

I don't care how cute you are. If one of your photos features you faux-making out with your very pretty female "best friend," I am NOT messaging you.

Seriously. Who does that? It doesn't make you look desirable. It makes you look like you have something going on with your "best friend," and if you and I go on a date I can expect her at my apartment the next day, wielding a shiv.

/endminirant

Big Fat Sigh, by Doris

In my messages tonight:

"You are heart-aching-adorable."

Aw. Too bad he sports a nasty soul patch. I can't get past that.

"Finally, someone who agrees Mike was the superior MST3K host."

Aw. Too bad he kind of resembles Fat Neil from Community. Can't get past that either.

And now, Doris' rules of OKCupid engagement:

1. Please don't ask me out in the first message--like before I've even messaged you back. You wouldn't walk up to somebody and ask them to coffee without exchanging a few words first, right?

2. If your username/screenname/handle/whatever contains a reference to masturbation...just no.

3. Photos of you in a bar with your friends? Cool. Photos of you with a cigarette and/or joint hanging out of your mouth? Ew.

4. I want to know you've actually read my profile. A message about my hotness doesn't indicate that. On the contrary, it tells me you're sending the same damn thing to 15 girls.

5. If we're on a date and you discreetly and politely check me out, that's fine. If you are sending me a message complimenting the size of my chest, you WILL get a rude retort right before I block your ass.

And finally...

6. If you don't post at least ONE picture of yourself, I won't assume you're too hot for the interwebs. I WILL assume: a) there's something seriously wrong with you physically, b) you're too damn lazy to press a button, which does not bode well for how you will treat me in public and private, or c) all of the above.

Have no fear, gentle readers and snarky Rock: there are a few gentlemen with definite potential I'm messaging with.

Happy Friday!

I Did Not See John Mellencamp Last Night, by Rock

...but in order to protect a bit of the anonymity of this blog. We're going to pretend that I did. Rather than use lots of pronouns, we'll just pretend that John Mellencamp is my favorite singer in the world and he performed last night.

I discovered the Coug when he opened for one of my other favorites about a year ago when I was getting over EE#5. A lot of people have that personal connection with an artist or two, one that the rest of your friends understand but don't quite "get." Mellencamp is that artist for me. He has a way with lyrics that completely captures my heart, and one song in particular helped me get over that break-up like nothing other than time did.

It's never worked out for me to see Mellencamp as the main act until yesterday. I've had my tickets for months. As you recall, 2.0 was supposed to go with me, leading to a last minute scramble to find a replacement. When none of my friends were really interested, I invited The Faux Spaniard for an interesting date. He had never heard of Mellencamp before, but he was good and willing to check it out. I told him three songs he should check out on youtube to know what he was getting into.

And he was a good date. He arrived on time. He paid for half of the drinks and tried to pay for more. He talked about which songs he liked, and let me carry on about why I love Mellencamp so much.

And Mellencamp did not disappoint. He just has this effervescent energy and genuine joy to be able to perform and do what he loves night after night. It was a perfect concert: an ideal mix of newer material and older favorites. I found myself dancing, singing along, smiling from ear to ear.

And then I realized that I had a second date next to me who was enjoying himself, but nowhere near the level that I was.

And then I realized something even more amazing. I didn't care.

At the end of the day, this concert was about me and the Coug. And I realized how often I like a boy and suddenly it's all about how that boy looks at me and thinks of me and how can I fit myself into the life of a boy. How I idealized 2.0's life and was so willing to overlook his faults (and really you can substitute the name of any guy I've ever liked in for 2.0's). How if 2.0 had gone with me, I probably would have held in a little of my joy instead of shouting it to the stage and the roof. I would have worried about how awful I dance instead of not caring. I would have held in the tears when the line that always gets to me got to me.

Instead I dgaffed (dgaf: pronounced "dee-gaff." Don't Give A Fuck. Learn it, love it, live it.). And my life was better for it. And I realized how there are a lot of things I need to work on for me right now. And I'm not going to work on them by finding someone with the life I think I want and emulating his life. And maybe I can work on me while dating someone but it's going to need to be done carefully and slowly.

After the show we got pizza, watched tv, and he spent the night. We had the same amount of sexual interaction as last time. Which is fine, it's just going to stay on this level for a while if we continue to see each other.

I've often said that the best relationship is a contest of generosity (and I stole it from someone's profile who probably stole it from someone else). I feel like I've found someone who could give me a run for my money, and I actually don't know how I feel about it. It's almost annoying me. Maybe it's just new to me. He seems to be trying so hard to not annoy me or piss me off or inconvenience me that I'm almost offended that he thinks it would be so easy. I almost want to start talking about how "Hitler had a good point" just to see if he agrees with me. Or maybe I should get used to it and explore the sparks that seem to be there. Still, I'm not 100% sure the zsa zsa zsu is 100% there. We'll see.

Good Luck to You, Making Your Judgments, by Doris

Last night I told a coworker/friend about the Russian's marital status.

Even though it's over, I'm still careful about who I tell, and what I tell them. While it was going on--and remember, because of the holidays we communicated for about a month before we actually met--some of my friends knew I was seeing somebody. Only about four--Rock, my roommate Stan, my sister, and a friend who reads this blog--knew he was married.

Now that it's over, I will tell a few more friends. Many will never know.

It's not that I associate with a bunch of judgmental douchebags. However, more and more of my social circle is getting married. More and more have children. Some are very traditional in their views of relationships. I don't mean anti-gay (because if that's the case, they are not my friends), but I do mean I have a close friend who didn't even like me joking about making out with Joel McHale, because this A-list celebrity who probably wouldn't give me the time of day, is in fact married with two children.

I don't want anyone thinking I'm a homewrecking piece of shit, or that I'm after their spouses, or that I get off on dating married men. First, I would have never let it go that far if I suspected the Russian was lying to his wife. He was full of shit a lot of the time, but was always sincere when it came to his relationship. Second, I'd never pursue the spouse of a friend, even if it were an open relationship situation. That would just be weird for me. Third, though I was intrigued by the open relationship idea, it wasn't the sole reason I dated the Russian. I liked his profile. I was attracted to him. The conversation, both written and spoken, was always good.

Moreover, I don't want anyone pitying me, seeing me as the poor lonely misguided unmarried who is being taken for a ride by a cheater. I knew the score from day one. I wish it could have gone on longer and I would have gotten some closure, but I was never under the impression it was going to be a lasting relationship.

As it happens, my coworker/friend had the perfect reaction:

"I've always thought that it's on the married guy," she said, taking a sip of her beer. "He chose to go outside the marriage. Any fallout in that relationship, it's on him and not the woman."

Yay for non-judgmental friends!