Halfway Point: Worrying and Learning by Doris

When Rock and I agreed to start No Way, Cupid, I suggested we step back and evaluate three months into the six-month experiment. Granted, it's been a little more than three months, but self-analysis is never a bad thing, right?

Three months in, I am really, really trying to keep an open mind. For me, that is sometimes hard. Not that I'm a prejudiced person or anything, but I've been called "stubborn," "bullheaded" and the like more often than #winning has been trended on Twitter (by the way, we have a Twitter account. You should follow us!). I maintain that if I were a guy, my, um, strong personality would be less of an issue. However, I'm not only a girl but a girly-girl who likes to wear dresses and paint my nails. When I open my mouth, people are often in for a shock.

Before No Way, Cupid, I thought Ex-calibur and I were meant to be. I didn't always admit it, but deep in my heart I figured we would be together eventually. Now I know that will probably not happen. Believe me, for that realization alone this experiment has been worth it.

Back to the open-minded issue: I get worried I'm too picky.

I mean, I basically canceled a date Thursday night. My date Saturday canceled on me, but I'd kind of written him off anyway, so I was more relieved than anything else. Since I signed up on okcupid, I've rejected those who message me more often than not (sounds harsher than it actually is. By "rejected," I mean I don't message them back. I'm not mean or anything).

And cancellations aside, I enjoy being alone. If I am going to give up what little spare time I have, even for a coffee date, I need to at least like you a bit.

Then I worry I'm not picky enough. Neither guy I was going to go out with this week were real winners. I almost messaged a guy back last night (more about that later), but then I realized there were several factors that I could tolerate for a few dates, but would present big problems sooner or later.

I worry a lot. Can you tell?

But I think about the Russian, who I really did like even though he had a lot of faults and didn't end things well (or at all). I liked Straight Anthony Rapp and Rivers-a-like, the energy just wasn't there for me. So this gives me hope. I've just had a run of crappy luck lately, which if my online dating-veteran friends are to be believed, happens from time to time.

Here's the biggest thing I've learned so far, though:

I want a little bit more than casual sex.

I still don't want to get married. I still don't want kids. I still don't even want a relationship where someone's in my face, bed and life every day of the week. On the other side of the coin, I still don't have a problem with booty calls or one-night stands.

However, I'd like sex and spending time together out of bed to go hand in hand. I'd like a guy who doesn't use me and disappear (even if we are using each other). I'd like a give-and-take, even if it only lasts a few weeks. I'd like closure if and when the relationship ends.

Yes, I just used the word "relationship." Rock and I have had endless arguments about this word. Previously, I hated it because for me it connoted whining and angst and more work than play.

Now, I get it. The word can mean many things.

And a relationship, on my terms?

I wouldn't be opposed.

LEARNING.

Halladay, Lincecum, Kershaw... Ruiz, Posey, Barajas...., by Rock

The Faux Spaniard and I went out for cupcakes and drinks this past Wednesday. We hadn't seen each other in almost two weeks, so the night started off a little awkwardly, especially since I was late and stressed having driven halfway there before realizing I didn't have my wallet. I was all out panicking when it wasn't in my apartment either. Luckily I found it in the street next to where my car had been parked, with everything still in it even.

Anyways, it started out a little awkward, but as we kept drinking at the coolest bar in the world (his suggestion), it got better (alcohol often does that). He insisted on paying since it had just been my birthday. We were in his neighborhood, but he has to get up so early for work that he offered to come back to my place instead so I could sleep in. We came back and had a few more drinks. As we were chatting, I insisted he borrow two of my books. They're graphic novels and he should finish them quickly, but still. Who am I lending someone stuff that means a lot to me? We hopped into bed.

Where in our drunkenness, we had sex for the first time. And he played catcher, something he had never done before.

It was good, but I was upset with myself since I was aware of his "position" (hahahaha, I crack myself up) and wanted to really save that until we were involved if we got there. You never forget your first (even though he had pitched before), and I was not exactly eager to put that second punch into his V-card.

But what was done was done. I sent him a text the next day to make sure he was okay with everything that happened, and he said he was. Other than that, we were both adults, I didn't put any pressure on him, and I wasn't going to lose sleep about it.

The problem was, I had already started a conversation in my head about what I want right now (more on that later).

So on Saturday, I was poised to get out of work at a somewhat decent hour (read: before midnight), so I suggested that he head to my place after the party he was attending so we could cuddle and sleep in (every other night we've spent together, his alarm is set for 5:45). He liked the plan, but he lost track of time a bit and showed up pretty late. He was super apologetic, something I wanted from 2.0 when something similar happened with him.

Everything was fine until we got into bed.

SOMEWHAT INTIMATE DETAILS WARNING FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW ME AND AREN'T USED TO DISCUSSING SEX.

Sex to me has always been just as much about pleasuring someone else as it is about getting "pleased." I've been with my share of selfish lovers, but I've never been with someone so "unselfish" before. I kept trying to go down on him and every time he got close he made me stop. I tried to explain that I wanted to see him come. He said that in his experience, one person usually came and then "got the other person back in the morning" and he didn't want that to me. I told him that sounded ridiculous and every person I had always been with, it was definitely the goal for both people to get off. I let him suck me off, thinking I could get back to business when he was done. He wouldn't let me. Trust me. I tried. I went to bed a little ticked off.

I like to feel like a provider sometimes. I like to feel like a nurturer sometimes. I don't want to feel like a child or invalid being taken care of all the times (bad simile to use when talking about sex?). He tries to pay all the time. He doesn't want to inconvenience me by having me over. He won't let me get him off because he doesn't think I'll truly enjoy it. I get a massage but can't reciprocate.

It's kind of nice for about five minutes. Then I feel like I'm being spoiled.

I can step back and say that I'm usually the person who gives up more in relationships. Just marginally most of the time. And so I wonder if maybe this is just new to me and I should go with the flow, but then I realize that this is such an extreme and it doesn't sit well with me.

He started to get frisky in the morning, but I'm not a fan of morning sex. I'm a fan of we've been up lying in bed for two hours and talking and waking up and now let's get started sex, but not right when I wake up and don't have coffee sex. So maybe next time he'll take his orgasm when it's offered.

I've also been thinking a lot recently. Ever since coming out, I have been AGGRESSIVELY trying to find the person I'll spend the rest of my life with. I treat it like a full-time job, multiple dates a week, skimming dating profiles, I can't go to a bar without scanning the room like mad.

I realized with 2.0 how willing I was to let this new boy define my life in this city. I'm newish coming back here. I'm trying to transition jobs. I need to work on growing my family of friends here and lying down roots. There's nothing wrong with grabbing a drink with a cute boy from time to time, but I think for once in my life I'm going to make the active choice to not make dating a priority.

I'm not abandoning this blog (if only you were all that lucky). I still will go on a date with a boy who catches my interest. I'll probably still browse profiles when I'm bored. I just don't want to have a specific endgame in mind. Even if I enjoy someone's company, I'm going to need to keep it casual.

The way life usually works out, I'll probably have better luck now anyway.

I'm going to change the wording on my OKCupid profile. I'm going to have a talk with The Faux Spaniard so he knows what's up (I'd happily continue to hang out, but don't want to think about a future or exclusivity right now.).

This is a good thing.

I can't believe I just used "life" as a label for this post. I'm such a douchebag.