Halfway Point: Worrying and Learning by Doris

When Rock and I agreed to start No Way, Cupid, I suggested we step back and evaluate three months into the six-month experiment. Granted, it's been a little more than three months, but self-analysis is never a bad thing, right?

Three months in, I am really, really trying to keep an open mind. For me, that is sometimes hard. Not that I'm a prejudiced person or anything, but I've been called "stubborn," "bullheaded" and the like more often than #winning has been trended on Twitter (by the way, we have a Twitter account. You should follow us!). I maintain that if I were a guy, my, um, strong personality would be less of an issue. However, I'm not only a girl but a girly-girl who likes to wear dresses and paint my nails. When I open my mouth, people are often in for a shock.

Before No Way, Cupid, I thought Ex-calibur and I were meant to be. I didn't always admit it, but deep in my heart I figured we would be together eventually. Now I know that will probably not happen. Believe me, for that realization alone this experiment has been worth it.

Back to the open-minded issue: I get worried I'm too picky.

I mean, I basically canceled a date Thursday night. My date Saturday canceled on me, but I'd kind of written him off anyway, so I was more relieved than anything else. Since I signed up on okcupid, I've rejected those who message me more often than not (sounds harsher than it actually is. By "rejected," I mean I don't message them back. I'm not mean or anything).

And cancellations aside, I enjoy being alone. If I am going to give up what little spare time I have, even for a coffee date, I need to at least like you a bit.

Then I worry I'm not picky enough. Neither guy I was going to go out with this week were real winners. I almost messaged a guy back last night (more about that later), but then I realized there were several factors that I could tolerate for a few dates, but would present big problems sooner or later.

I worry a lot. Can you tell?

But I think about the Russian, who I really did like even though he had a lot of faults and didn't end things well (or at all). I liked Straight Anthony Rapp and Rivers-a-like, the energy just wasn't there for me. So this gives me hope. I've just had a run of crappy luck lately, which if my online dating-veteran friends are to be believed, happens from time to time.

Here's the biggest thing I've learned so far, though:

I want a little bit more than casual sex.

I still don't want to get married. I still don't want kids. I still don't even want a relationship where someone's in my face, bed and life every day of the week. On the other side of the coin, I still don't have a problem with booty calls or one-night stands.

However, I'd like sex and spending time together out of bed to go hand in hand. I'd like a guy who doesn't use me and disappear (even if we are using each other). I'd like a give-and-take, even if it only lasts a few weeks. I'd like closure if and when the relationship ends.

Yes, I just used the word "relationship." Rock and I have had endless arguments about this word. Previously, I hated it because for me it connoted whining and angst and more work than play.

Now, I get it. The word can mean many things.

And a relationship, on my terms?

I wouldn't be opposed.

LEARNING.

One and Done: A Date, by Doris

(Image via Natalie Dee.)

On Thursday, December 30, I began a new life as a dater. (A woman who dates? A person who dates? Whatever.)

If you've been following the saga of Rivers-a-like, you know that I was primarily regarding my first OKCupid real-life in-person date as a warm-up. After all, the guy lives in the suburbs and I don't have a car. On a deeper level, I thought he was nice. That's it. Not super-duper, oh my God you're turning my crank and I can't wait to meet you hot, just nice.

Basically, I wasn't expecting a lot.

And that turned out to be a good thing.

He didn't do anything seriously wrong. He was a few minutes late, but I was slightly less late so that wasn't a big deal. The conversation--mainly revolving around our favorite bands and our mutual love of Chicago--flowed easily with maybe one awkward pause, not bad for two people who had never previously met face-to-face. He insisted on paying (I'm actually more comfortable going Dutch, but if the guy wants to I'm fine with it).

However.

There were two major reasons that when he wanted to hang out longer, I pretended to receive a text from Rock who was having a major emotional crisis (LIE):

1. I wasn't attracted to him. At all. This isn't to say he wasn't an attractive person. He had all the right ingredients: brown hair, glasses, nice face. It just didn't appeal to me.

2. Here's the big thing. I know I said in a previous post that he moved home for financial reasons and I didn't want to hold it against him. People's choices are their own.

That said, I think my issue with the suburbs thing goes deeper. See, when I moved back to the city after several years away, I had a job. Exactly two months later, I lost this job. I knew deep in my heart that the city was home to me, and I didn't want to leave again.

So I found a way to make it work. I temped. I worked retail for a while. I participated in paid market research studies I found on Craigslist. I worked out a cheaper payment plan on my student loans. I did a lot of free things and I wasn't stupid with money. Eventually, I found a full-time job.

I wanted to live here, so I found a way.

The fact that Rivers-a-like has moved back to the suburbs from the city not one but two times, makes me think this time he's not coming back.

From what I can see, he'll get a promotion at his job (also in the burbs), meet a nice girl, buy a house and settle down, with the occasional urban jaunt that becomes even more occasional as the years go by.

That's fine. His choices. His life.

It just doesn't jibe with mine.

One more thing, dudes: if a girl says she wants to meet for coffee or drinks, she means coffee or drinks. She does not mean dinner. "Coffee," "drinks" and "dinner" are words very distinguishable from one another. Read your gotdamn messages, please.

Last thing, I promise:

If you want to order an appetizer for yourself, that's cool. If you tell the waiter we are going to share it, please ask me what looks good before ordering. Not only is that a conversation starter, it also takes into account that I may have food allergies and I definitely DO have likes and dislikes. And if you don't ask, don't be surprised when I politely refuse to eat it.

On to date two, with a gentleman to be determined. I'll keep ya posted!

Sooner or Later It Comes Down to Fate, by Doris

So I have a date on Thursday.

Rivers-a-like of the suburban address and the occasional affinity for top 40 music (which we initially bonded over, I HATE the hipsters that blindly denigrate good pop songs, ditto for hipsters that declare Saturday Night Live hasn't been funny since the Carvey years) is going to be in my neighborhood to see a concert. As I wanted to have some sort of date before the year ended - and I'm not touching New Year's Eve with a ten-foot pole, WORST time for a first date ever - we have decided to have drinks before the show.

I think this is good for several reasons. Rock usually advises against drinks on the first date (a rule that he admittedly has broken many times), but in my case there's a timeline. Only so much alcohol you can pound in an hour/90 minutes or so. Plus, we're going to a really lovely cafe/bar type place, aaaaand I have a cool new outfit which includes a gorgeous lace skirt I got on the Target clearance rack for $8.50!

So even if the date sucks, I will look very pretty.

It's funny, I think my family (while home at Christmas, I tried to just tell my sister, but my mom overheard) and friends (my two closest work pals, who helped me pick out the cafe/bar) are more excited about this than I am. Quite frankly, my expectations aren't that high.

As I've said before, I'm not terribly keen to date someone who doesn't live in the city. Should this work out, I'm keeping my OKCupid profile and pursuing other dudes. Rock and 2.0 are emotionally involved now, and good for them. I'm interested to see this relationship unfold, and I really hope it works out as I like 2.0.

However, I was emotionally involved with Excalibur for fourteen years, up until just a couple of months ago. My family still hates him--I can tell by the way they very deliberately did NOT say his name this weekend. I don't hate Excalibur. He didn't do anything wrong.

But I don't want to jump into another big thing right away. My heart needs a little rest. My mind needs a little fun.

And my body could use a little something else. Don't know if we'll get to that on Thursday. After all, Rivers-a-like has a concert to go to.

Practice Makes Perfect, by Doris

So I heard back from Rivers-a-like, who apparently is not too familiar with people who don't own cars. Can't tell if he was joking or not. To be fair, sometimes it's hard to tell in emails.

Because of holiday craziness, the earliest time he is free is December 30, where he can meet up briefly before going to a concert.

(And if anyone is wondering about our rule, Rock has informed me that he's granting a reprieve until after the New Year. As I've mentioned before, I have one guy mired in finals, plus another guy I'm talking to is in a show that I can't go to because I have plans, and my schedule is just generally wacko right now. So thank you for understanding, Rock. Although I expect a Christmas gift as well.)

I told him that was fine and am waiting to hear back. I think he's only on OKCupid about once a day, as am I.

I still want to meet him. I do.

But as I was telling Rock over coffee last night, I think this will be more of a practice date.

Yes, yes, I know I'm an asshole.

Let me explain:

If you've been reading this blog, you know I'm not super experienced when it comes to dating. I was in an on-and-off, well, something (I hate the word "relationship" even though family and friends inform me that's exactly what it was) for fourteen years. Fourteen years. That's a long time.

And during that time, I went out some. I had a few serious crushes. I slept with Rock's actor buddy. Still, though, I haven't been out on many dates. I could use a brush-up.

And let's be honest--this guy lives an hour away. I think he's planning on moving back to the city eventually, and good for him, but: a) I don't want to hang around and wait for that, and b) sometimes people DON'T move back to the city.

It's not just about the city vs. suburbs mindset. It's about the convenience.

I have a busy schedule. Many times I have to plan way ahead for nights with friends. However, last night I just met up with Rock for coffee. We had a two-hour or so window where we were free, so we did it. And that was fun. Sometimes I'm so busy, but an unexpected free night comes up. I'd like a guy who's within a reasonable distance, in case I would like to spend it with him.

I live in a major city, where there are tons of single dudes if OKCupid is to be believed. I don't think that's too much to want one in relatively the same place.

If Rivers-a-like says yes and we end up meeting, I will try to go in with an open mind. Who knows, I could totally fall for him and distance won't seem like a big deal at all.

But more and more, I am thinking this date will just be for practice.

And I'm fully aware this makes me kind of a jerk.