A Drunken Review, by Rock

Here's a little experiment. Here's my retelling of my date tonight that I wrote while still drunk instead of the next morning after I've had time to reflect.

So this guy actually contacted me on OKCupid which is a rarity. Usually the people that I end up seeing are people I've first contacted. The ones that contact me are fat and/or ugly and/or old. Sorry to past commenters on this blog: fat and ugly and old don't do it for me.

This guy was in med school, had kind of a goofy smile, and was fun to talk to. He may have even been the first to suggest we hang out, which is really nice.

Since he is in med school, we will call him Scrubs.

He called me to make plans and got my voice mail. I called him back and got his voice mail as well. Instead of a clear concise voice mail, I rambled on for a minute and change about the siren in the background, how distracted I was, and an apology for the length and obnoxiousness of the voice mail. His return voice mail commented on my "stellar voice mail" and how it was okay I must be new to them.

He was already poking fun at me. Color me intrigued.

Where does that turn of phrase come from? Color me __________. It's kind of odd.

Anyways, it turns out he lives very close to where I work, so we agreed to meet for a drink when I got off tonight.

Aside from his goofy smile, he's your very typical upper-middle class suburban kid. Like the majority of guys I date he came out late in life. I don't know why this is a recurring pattern, but this kid has never had a real relationship which is a real red flag. He don't go out to gay bars a whole lot, most of his friends are straight. Been there, done that before (hello boy that broke my heart, not sure what EE number you are cause I'm drunk). He's pretty generic looking, which I seem to really like (fuck Angel and Spike, I was always all about Riley).

But he was charming and fun and I was smitten.

I wasn't sure if he was. We talked a lot about how attractive Darren Criss is. My efforts to entangle our legs didn't work out great. I think he's a little clueless about how things go.

Which could be great. 2.0 had such a stupid schedule of how things happen and what could happen and blah blah blah. I dunno, it could also be awful.

We couldn't stay out too late: he still had to finish up some homework. We walked as far as we could go together and then both went in for a nice first kiss. He said he was sure he would talk to me soon, I said I was sure he was right.

We texted a good night.

This could be fun.

However, I also have a first date with a dental student later this week. Also from OKCupid, I spoke to him on the phone for the first time this evening and there seems to be something there as well.

It's really nice though to finally be excited about some potential again. I was so disillusioned with the concept of love after 2.0 that it's really nice to think that it could possibly happen. Even if not with one of these guys, that it may be in my future. I was doubting it for a while.

Let's see how I handle this.

Impure Thoughts, by Doris

So last night I went on a date, with a performance artist I'll call The Hair (because in his OKCupid profile, his hair was different in every picture). We went to a coffeehouse in the most hipster part of the city, where even I, perfectly hipster in my own neighborhood, feel like I've stepped out of the pages of The Preppy Handbook.

It was fun. We talked about trashy gay soap operas and he tried to convert me to Dr. Who. Not sure if I felt any real energy, but I'd be willing to go on a second date to find out. We'll see what happens.

Then today, I found out two of my friends broke up.

I'd been suspecting something was up: they suddenly decided not to move in together. Their Facebook profiles (yes, I'm just that nosy) no longer had "in a relationship," and he changed his profile pic from a photo of the two of them to one of just himself. She gave me a ride today and I asked, wanting to be supportive.

Sure enough, they are no longer.

I'm sad. I like them both a lot, and thought they had a really nice energy together.

If only the story ended there.

Remember when I told my friend I'd once crushed on her boyfriend?

This is the couple.

Or rather, the former couple.

Now, before you're all "Doris you slut, you're not even thinking about going after this guy when you're friends with him and his ex-girlfriend, and you've actually been friends with the ex-girlfriend longer, you giant whorebag, wasn't making out with a married dude enough?"--hear me out.

I'm not even thinking about it.

Or rather, I AM, and I kind of hate myself for it.

I would never, ever, ever do something like that to a friend.

And the guy and I aren't right for each other. He is a boyfriend with a capital B, and also constantly has his head in the clouds. I'd alternately feel smothered and ignored.

I'd love to have a friend with benefits who was actually a friend, though. And it's so nice to think about not going on awkward first dates for a while.

Yes, it's crossing my mind. Even though I'd never take it beyond abstract thought, it's the goddamn pink elephant in the room and my self-loathing is at an all-time high. So much that I almost didn't blog about it, then I realized this is EXACTLY the thing I need to blog about.

I'm also guessing that since y'all kept reading after my dalliance with the Russian, you won't hate on me too much for just having thoughts about my friend's ex-boyfriend.

Arrrgh. Off to take a walk and clear my head.

Coffee Grindr (Groan), by Rock

So Grindr has pretty much become the bane of my existence. I have wasted countless hours chatting with guys that I will probably never meet.

One thing I do kind of like about it is that it simulates the bar scene. Based on one picture and 140 characters, I have to decide if I want to start a conversation or not. Maybe I will one day work up the courage to actually hit on someone in a bar.

The problem is, half of the guys on Grindr seem to only want to fool around somewhat anonymously (I've gone on the record as saying that internet hookups are like fast food: you crave it, you think you want it, you remember it being good. Then you go for it and you just feel kind of greasy and unfulfilled after.), and the other half just seem to want to chat. When I suggest coffee or something, they're not interested.

I did actually met someone off of Grindr for coffee yesterday. The conversation went moderately well, but I was confident there was nothing worth exploring. He was a nice enough guy, but it was apparent that we were just at two very different points in our lives. Not only that, but we had pretty different approaches to life. When we said good-bye, we said, "Nice to meet you," which is only said to cover up the fact that you're not saying, "We should do this again sometime."

BUT THEN. ONCE AGAIN. I get the text, "Hey it was nice to meet you. Should we grab a drink soon?"

Once again, a boy that I seem to have no connection with is pulling for something. And I'm unsure if I've closed myself off emotionally so much that I'm unwilling to see possibilities below perfection or if these guys are so desperate for something that they're willing to settle for "eh, maybe."

And I wavered for a minute, and then texted him that it was fun chatting, but I really didn't feel a spark.

Three future first dates in the process of being planned... stay tuned for more exciting adventures!

Sent to Faux Spaniard, by Rock

I'm a pussy. I know it. I should have taken care of it earlier, but I really am busy every evening this week.

But sent to the Faux Spaniard via (shudder) Facebook...

(Faux Spaniard)!

So I wanted to run something by you, which I had every intention of doing on the phone, but I got sick and couldn't talk, and now I have evening shifts everyday this week. With our opposite schedules, I thought I could send you a message without it looking too sheepish. If I feel the need to justify it more, I could bring up that I'm much more articulate when writing.

Anyways, the last few times we have hung out, I have had a fantastic time. However, the energy has seemed to shifted into more of a platonic area. I'm not sure if it's just our energy or if it has something to do with where I'm at in life right now, but that's what I'm feeling. I was definitely rooting for us, because you're cute and fun and it all seems like it should work out, but it just isn't for me.

I've been hesitant to talk to you about this, because I'm afraid you won't want to be friends. So often "let's just be friends" is used as a line, but I really do think we have a lot of fun together. I'm really hoping we can continue to hang out.

Hope you had a good weekend. Sorry again for the lame use of facebook instead of in person.

-(Rock)

A Favor to Ask of Our Readers, by Rock

In the beginning posts, I used to joke about the 5 of you who were reading this. Now, with the help of some friends with blogs, we've gotten up to quite a few more readers than five. We love all of you. We hope you love us. Or at least rolling your eyes at us.

Things get tricky when trying to write a mostly-anonymous blog. It's not like we can post on our Facebook page: "Hey! Look at this blog! Don't tell anyone we're writing it! In fact, forget that we're writing it!"

I love to be pretty self-dependent. I don't even like driving with GPS if I can help it. But we've reached a point where we've told who we can tell. So I am swallowing my pride and asking you for help.

If you like what you're reading here, please think about forwarding it to a friend or two that would like it, posting it on Facebook or Twitter, writing about it in your company newsletter. Anything you can do to spread the word. Do what we can't. And we'll keep doing what we do. Actually we'll probably keep doing it anyway. That's not a passive-aggressive threat or anything.

Sorry for the unattractive begging. We now return to our regularly scheduled posting.

SWF Seeks FWB...I Think, by Doris

Like Rock, I was sick this past week. We had nonrefundable theatre tickets on Thursday night, which resulted in me holding my head and him painfully clearing his throat for the entire play. I am feeling better, though. And the play was very good.

In his sick post, Rock expressed a wish for an intimate relationship, where he can really let his guard down and allow someone to take care of him.

I too am seeking something steady, but not nearly as intimate.

Basically, I want a friend with benefits.

I think.

I'd really like something steady, but just fun. A step above booty call but below casual dating. Or is it considered casual dating if I also want to go to the movies or for coffee every once in a while?

It gets a little confusing.

You see, I am busy, both with work and with pursuing interests outside of work. At this point I don't have the schedule or the attention span for a full-on exclusive see-you-all-the-time deal.

I've done the FWB thing (and yes, I prefer "friends with benefits" to "fuckbuddy," Dan Savage be damned. I do think there is a difference). At its best, it was great: good sex, awesome conversation, and we always watched movies or something afterwards. It was never fuck and run.

At its worst, I felt used. He wanted to see me when HE wanted to see me. When I was busy or tired, he'd persist. Not in a rape-y way, but it got annoying. But it hardly ever worked out the other way around. Also, he sometimes didn't want me around his friends. That hurt.

Finally, when it ended, I didn't find out from him.

So here's what I'd like. I am writing it down and putting it out in the universe:

1. Steady and great sex.

2. Fun conversation.

3. Hanging out, sometimes in public. I don't have to meet all your friends, but I also don't want to be your dirty secret. This is 2011. There have been at least two mainstream movies about friends with benefits. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

4. On my terms too. If I want to hang out and you're busy, that's one thing, but I don't want the power trip of you always having to be the aggressor.

5. If and when it ends because one of us meets somebody or just gets tired of the other person, WE TALK ABOUT IT. At least a "hey, it's been great but I'm seeing someone else and I think it might get serious" text or email. Preferably a phone call. But don't just never contact me again. That is rude.

6. While we're on the subject, seeing other people is okay. Just always wrap it up, and don't text or call other girls when you're hanging out with me. I will extend you the same courtesy.

7. Also okay? Drunk booty calls. But not every damn time.

But how does one advertise for a FWB?

Maybe I'm weird, but I feel like this kind of thing almost has to be organic. Like someone you meet at a bar or through friends, where the energy is there but you don't want anything long-term. Or even someone you meet online, ditto. But it has to start as something else--a friendship or a date.

I think this would be easier if I were a guy. As a girl, though, I worry about expressing this on my OKC profile. It's like saying I want casual sex--I'm afraid I'll get messages from perverts or douchebags who see "friends with benefits" as a euphemism for "sleep with her once and disappear." Or even "wow, she'll sleep with me on the first date." No. I am a "coffee first" kinda gal. After all, even "fuckbuddy" has the term "buddy" in it. There has to be a measure of respect.

So what do y'all think? Should I include this in my profile? Or keep on the short-term dating train in hopes of meeting someone who fits my FWB criteria?

Sick as a Dog, by Rock

I've been sick the past few days. While I'm as susceptible to everyone to a cold or allergies, I rarely let it slow me down. I take the pills, tough it out, and go to work or along with my day.

But tonight I called into work for the first time in probably four years. I haven't been bedridden in about two years. And I've spent the past two days mostly cooped up in my studio apartment, watching way too much television.

I usually like to be left alone when I'm sick, but damn it if it wouldn't be nice right now to come over, make me soup, rub my back, and shush off my protests that I don't want to get him sick and he should leave.

I want someone that I would allow to see me vulnerable in a way that I hide from my most of my friends.

That's all. Just a change in priorities right now. At least temporarily, the fear of intimacy is gone.

GOP Responds, by Doris

I took Rock's advice and returned Good on Paper's Facebook message. After some small talk about other things, I wrote the following:

I really appreciate and value your friendship. I know our connection in grad school didn't pan out, and I'm very glad we were able to remain friends and keep in touch. However, some of your comments lately have got me thinking that you're still hoping there's something there. Unfortunately, it just isn't there for me. Sorry to have to articulate it, but it'll be easier for me to focus on our friendship if I know you're aware of this.

That was last night. This morning, I received a reply:

Your friendship means a lot to me. Some of my comments are flirt-acious [sic]. I'm not trying to re-kindle a connection. I hope this next part makes sense; I feel I could explain it better talking rather than writing. You're very easy to flirt with. You have a lot a great characteristics that I like. So I feel comfortable flirting with you. It's how I show I care. I don't realize I'm doing it a lot of the times. I'll try to be more aware of it, so you won't feel uncomfortable. I am a guy though, so you'll probably need to point it out... and be ready to forgive me when I put my foot in my mouth.

Very courteous and mature and GOP. The reply doesn't surprise me a bit.

However, I don't 100% buy it.

He is a friendly, sometimes flirtatious guy, it's true. However, his behavior around me in the past, plus our history, leads me to believe it's not just friendly flirting. In fact, call me presumptuous, but I KNOW it hasn't been purely friendly. He was never creepy or overly pushy, but when I laughed and rolled my eyes, he'd press on.

Yeah. There was definitely more than a friend vibe on his end.

However, I'm not going to argue. I'm going to let him think I totally believe he just sees me as a friend.

Because letting one save face is what a friend does.

When 3 Is Not a Crowd, by Rock

Last night I went out with some coworkers and I ran into EE#3 and his current boyfriend. Not a big deal; I've hung out with them before and actually really like them as a couple. He's also the ex that it is easiest to be friends with because it was the least amount of emotional investment on my part.

The two of them quickly joined our group. What was supposed to be a quick drink or two before getting to bed reasonably early turned into a bender. When the bar we were at closed, we headed to another. Close to 4a, the three of us announced we were going to drive to a casino. Outside the bar, we quickly realized that none of us should drive, so we went back to my place to smoke up and watch tv instead.

At this point I think we all knew what was going to happen.

On the couch, it went EE#3, the New Kid, and me. The New Kid's hand was on my leg. My arm was behind the New Kid's head so my hand was resting on EE#3's shoulder. When one of us would go to the bathroom, the other two would cuddle.

EE#3 was getting a little nervous. He kept talking about wanting to get back to their dog. The New Kid wasn't going anywhere though and EE#3 was clearly intrigued as well. Eventually I just climbed into bed and told them they were welcome to stay the night, but I was getting tired. They had a soft conversation about where they were going to sleep: on the couch, on the floor, in the bed. I said there was plenty of room for all of us in the bed, and we got in there in the same order.

Yada yada yada it was a really fun night.

What? You want details? Pervs. This is a dating blog, not a sex blog. Haha.

I only bring it up* because even during all of it, their love and attraction to each other was evident and so attractive. I wouldn't have slept with either of them separately, but they were so attractive as a couple.

I want to have that again someday with someone. It just feels so impossible to find. Definitely need a bit of a break from looking for it, at least so aggressively.

Texted them both this morning how I had fun, hope they got home safely, and hoped things wouldn't be awkward. Looks like we're all a-okay.

Now if I can just get it to happen again with them. That was fun. I needed the win. :)

*I lied. I also bring it up to brag a little.

Can't Say Goodbye, by Rock

So the guy I went out with on St. Patrick's Day called and left a voicemail asking me if I wanted to grab dinner sometime this week. I got the voicemail between dodgeball and work, and I had other things to take care of in between, so he didn't get a response right away.

After work, I also had a text from him asking the exact same thing.

Dude. I know with cell phones everyone is supposed to be accessible all the time in theory. But easy.

In theory, this really annoyed me. In all actuality, the text was a blessing because it meant I could respond by text instead of calling him.

"Hey! Sorry. Went straight from dodgeball to work: was planning on calling you back tomorrow. I had a good time on Thursday, but I don't think there's enough of a connection for any long-term potential. Sorry. Thanks again for a good time."

Still probably should have called him, but eh. It's a big step to even be able to handle that. Old me would be all "well if he sees a connection maybe I should give him a second chance." Imagine a weak, little, nerdy, pushover voice for that sentence.

Unfortunately, I wish I could say I handled ending things with the Faux Spaniard well. In all actuality, I just didn't end things.

We had brunch, we caught up, we walked around his neighborhood, we sat in the park and people watched. It was all fun, but a little awkward. I honestly wouldn't mind being friends with him at all. I honestly thought that because of how things were going- no hand-holding, no hugging, no hello kiss- that we were on the same page and things were going to be easier.

We went back to his place and watched some tv. With about five minutes left in the show, he awkwardly puts his hand on my knee. I grab it. The show ended and I left for work. We kissed good-bye briefly. So awkward.

My new plan is to call him this week and talk it out over the phone. I feel like I can handle that better than in person. I'll never get my books back, but I can replace them and consider the cost a "don't lend books to boys that you might not want to stick around" learning fee. What's sad is that I will quote 2.0's break-up speech to him: "It's been feeling more platonic for a while, but I wanted to see. I was rooting for us."

Speaking of 2.0, he responded to my email saying hello. It was courteous and brief.

Good on Paper, by Doris

So I know Rock and I make it out to be like Excalibur was my one and only.

In reality, I have a few Evil Exes of my own. One who just won't go away.

Let's call him Good on Paper, or GOP.

I met GOP in my first year of grad school, when he lived down the hall from me. He was cute. Very sweet and funny. Bogged down with the same intense workload. Accessible, physically and emotionally.

I flirted. He flirted. Eventually we embarked on a very casual dating relationship.

And Excalibur got jealous.

Granted, Excalibur was my EX at the time. He didn't want to fully commit, and was in fact also seeing other people. However, he didn't like the idea of me with GOP. Even at the time, I knew how ridiculous this was, but I kind of enjoyed feeling so wanted.

Then I slept with Excalibur. I don't consider it cheating, as GOP and I were very, very casual--remember, we were in grad school and had a lot of other demands on our time. We were nowhere near having the exclusivity talk.

Nonetheless, I broke it off with GOP. I did this very immaturely, just sort of acted distant and mean until he got the hint. I wasn't in a good place in my life--that's not an excuse, but it's an explanation.

I felt guilty about this for years, and eventually apologized to GOP. We took very different career paths but have stayed in touch.

And I think he's still in love with me.

I had dinner with him a couple of years ago, and had to make it clear we weren't going to hook up. He wasn't pushy, but had communicated he was up for it. I used the excuse that I just didn't feel right about it because of other things going on in my life.

Lately, it's the little things that are adding up. I've gotten the occasional flirty drunk text. When I had a question requiring professional expertise I don't have, I posted it on Facebook. One friend messaged me. GOP called me. GOP's been commenting on a LOT of my status updates lately. Then, when I posted about being stressed, he sent me a message asking if I was okay.

All very nice, and could be construed as just being a good friend. I get that.

So I messaged back that I was fine, thank you for asking, and how are you?

Probably shouldn't have done that.

I get back a long message about how he's stressed too, but will be up for hugs and long walks on the beach in a few weeks ("just in case you are interested"). And then: "Can we get together when things slow down? If you say yes, I'll have plenty of motivation for the upcoming weeks."

If it were just one thing, I would take this as GOP being a good friend.

But everything added up? Yikes.

Here's the thing I've probably known for years but hit me like a ton of bricks when I got this message:

I wish I could like GOP. I really do. It would make everything so much easier, and he'd make a great boyfriend.

However, I just don't have those feelings. There is absolutely no zsa zsa zsu. I have a friend vibe with him that once upon a time I mistook for something romantic. If I'd felt romantic about him, at this time or ever, I would have done something about it. Back in grad school, Excalibur was the catalyst. He wasn't the whole reason. If I'd had strong enough feelings or saw enough potential in GOP, Excalibur wouldn't have been an issue.

I have a feeling GOP sees this as a timing issue. In grad school, I was overwhelmed academically and still hung up on my ex. A couple of years ago, I was dealing with other issues. Now, I'm happy and functional. I think GOP sees this as an opportunity to re-ignite.

In a romantic comedy, GOP would do borderline-stalker things to win me over and it would work.

In real life, I can't force the zsa zsa zsu.

So I'm thinking a reply is in order. I need to get across in the nicest way possible that I see him as a friend, and this will not change.

But how do I word it? Ideas?

Just to Lighten the Mood, by Doris

So guess who texted me yesterday?

Midnight Cowboy!

Dude must have some serious hornypants.

He asked if I was still interested in getting together. I said yes, but to be honest I wasn't super comfortable with having a first date at midnight. He said he understood, but mornings were no good because he's "quite nocturnal." His words.

Maybe it's because I'm exhausted and overworked, but I was SO tempted to reply: "You must be very proud."

In short, we couldn't agree on a time, so I told him to text me next week if he's still interested.

You know, I have friends in the service industry. And they all date during normal hours.

When I relayed all this to Rock, he replied that "quite nocturnal" could be a euphemism for "on meth."

I love Rock.

St. Patty's Date, by Rock

So there's been this guy on Connexion that has looked pretty promising. We had been emailing back and forth for a while, and eventually it was decided that we would meet up. Currently getting his MBA at a college in a very near-by suburb, he seemed to have a wit about him that I enjoyed. He teased me about my admission of my love of board games on my profile, saying that he enjoyed them as well, but would be too embarrassed to put it on a dating profile. So when it was established that we would meet, I suggested the same board game bar that I had my first date with 2.0 at.

I almost had a heart attack when he almost picked the same table that 2.0 and I sat at both times we were there. Luckily he swerved to a different one farther away from the door.

We talked and he kicked my ass at Scrabble over two beers. He seemed to completely be my type and we seemed to be having a good enough time. Conversation was flowing well and I thought that I may be on to something. In fact I even texted Doris that this bar might be the lucky place for first dates.

We decided to go get food and things went a little downhill. We live our lives pretty differently, and I don't think they would mesh super well. There were a few dead spaces in our conversation. He had gotten a text that 30 Rock was amazing so after dinner I suggested we go to my place and watch it.

We watched it and it was amazing. The date was reaching that point where if I wanted it to go somewhere I would ask him to leave and plan a date number two or if I didn't want to see him again I could have some mediocre-to-amazing fooling around time. Which I needed. So we started making out and it migrated to the bed and it was pretty good not great. Of course, first date, so no home runs for anyone.

Lying there afterward, I realized two things. I felt no intimacy with this man. I wasn't sure if I just didn't want it with him or didn't want it with anybody.

Since very few people who read this know me, few people will understand the magnitude of me not wanting to find love and be close to someone right now. Let me explain this in a way that every woman and gay man will understand.

I am a Charlotte.

I am. I always have been. Optimistic and in love with love.

And now I feel very Miranda-ish, and I don't think it suits me.

I had a dream last night that brings me to tears to type about. 2.0 and I were walking through a park at night talking about how it didn't work out and how we missed each other. He said he regretted the break-up, but didn't want to get back together on principle. I kissed him. At first he resisted then, then he gave in and we shared this incredible moment on a bench under a tree and the stars.

Then I woke up next to this guy, to rub salt in the wound.

I did something stupid and emailed 2.0 this morning. Just a "Was at last night with friends and thought of you. Hope you're well." It was stupid and transparent, but what can you do? Sometimes I need to put myself in a position to get hurt again so I remember the initial hurt.

I don't know why I miss 2.0. The sex was eh. He was distant and not so great the second month we were dating. I would give him a second chance, but he'd be on thin ice for the longest time and it would almost surely not work out.

I think more than mourning the end of our relationship, I've been mourning the death of Charlotte inside me. I miss how excited and optimistic I used to get. Now I'm so sure it won't work out, that I'll get hurt.

I keep saying I need a little me time, that I need to lay off the dates for a while. Yet, I still keep setting them up and going on them. Even in my retreating emotional state, I'm still afraid that if I'm not out there I'll miss out on something great.

This song kept going through my head last night as I couldn't sleep.

A Note to Everyone That Ever Goes on a First Date With Me For the Rest of My Life, by Rock

I get it. I get it. First dates are EXHAUSTING. They RARELY go the way you want them too. You've probably been disappointed PLENTY of times. Sometimes you don't feel the spark. Sometimes you like them and they don't like you and you've been hurt. I GET IT.

So you have a first date. Someone has sparked your interest enough to warrant at least an hour of your time. You have to be hoping it goes well, if only for the reason that it could possibly be your last first date ever.

I don't understand this current trend of guys showing up for first dates with a 4 foot wall built around them. Short enough that I can climb over it, but tall enough to be a pain in the ass.

I get this from guys that obviously were hoping for better than me and I never hear from again. I get that. But I also get this from guys that eventually show interest in me (2.0 was really guarded the first half of our first date, for example).

Either way, I don't get it. You wouldn't go into a job interview with your guard up just in case you didn't get it. Why wouldn't you go into a date doing everything you can to make sure it went well? Even if you're not immediately sold, wouldn't you want the hour you've committed to to be as painless as possible?

The minute I walk in, eye contact, smile, engaging questions, funny anecdotes about my day. If you are on a first date with me, you should never find out what kind of phone I have because it stays in my pocket the entire time. My shoulders are parallel to yours. People skills. Come on.

Drink last night with a guy. Ice cream with a guy tonight. Both of them were seated not looking directly at me. Both kept texting. Both offered very little conversation starters. Both warmed up at the end but started off so cold and awkward that I was afraid (briefly) that I was ugly. Neither will be getting second dates (though in all honesty I think only one will ask me for one).

The next boy who meets me out, excited for the potential without being sold on me before he gets to know me will steal my heart.*

*Disclaimer: He must also be hot and not old.

Halfway Point: Worrying and Learning by Doris

When Rock and I agreed to start No Way, Cupid, I suggested we step back and evaluate three months into the six-month experiment. Granted, it's been a little more than three months, but self-analysis is never a bad thing, right?

Three months in, I am really, really trying to keep an open mind. For me, that is sometimes hard. Not that I'm a prejudiced person or anything, but I've been called "stubborn," "bullheaded" and the like more often than #winning has been trended on Twitter (by the way, we have a Twitter account. You should follow us!). I maintain that if I were a guy, my, um, strong personality would be less of an issue. However, I'm not only a girl but a girly-girl who likes to wear dresses and paint my nails. When I open my mouth, people are often in for a shock.

Before No Way, Cupid, I thought Ex-calibur and I were meant to be. I didn't always admit it, but deep in my heart I figured we would be together eventually. Now I know that will probably not happen. Believe me, for that realization alone this experiment has been worth it.

Back to the open-minded issue: I get worried I'm too picky.

I mean, I basically canceled a date Thursday night. My date Saturday canceled on me, but I'd kind of written him off anyway, so I was more relieved than anything else. Since I signed up on okcupid, I've rejected those who message me more often than not (sounds harsher than it actually is. By "rejected," I mean I don't message them back. I'm not mean or anything).

And cancellations aside, I enjoy being alone. If I am going to give up what little spare time I have, even for a coffee date, I need to at least like you a bit.

Then I worry I'm not picky enough. Neither guy I was going to go out with this week were real winners. I almost messaged a guy back last night (more about that later), but then I realized there were several factors that I could tolerate for a few dates, but would present big problems sooner or later.

I worry a lot. Can you tell?

But I think about the Russian, who I really did like even though he had a lot of faults and didn't end things well (or at all). I liked Straight Anthony Rapp and Rivers-a-like, the energy just wasn't there for me. So this gives me hope. I've just had a run of crappy luck lately, which if my online dating-veteran friends are to be believed, happens from time to time.

Here's the biggest thing I've learned so far, though:

I want a little bit more than casual sex.

I still don't want to get married. I still don't want kids. I still don't even want a relationship where someone's in my face, bed and life every day of the week. On the other side of the coin, I still don't have a problem with booty calls or one-night stands.

However, I'd like sex and spending time together out of bed to go hand in hand. I'd like a guy who doesn't use me and disappear (even if we are using each other). I'd like a give-and-take, even if it only lasts a few weeks. I'd like closure if and when the relationship ends.

Yes, I just used the word "relationship." Rock and I have had endless arguments about this word. Previously, I hated it because for me it connoted whining and angst and more work than play.

Now, I get it. The word can mean many things.

And a relationship, on my terms?

I wouldn't be opposed.

LEARNING.

Whatever Winkie, by Doris

So Winkie and I were supposed to go out last night. It had been rescheduled from last week for various reasons, and we were going to meet for coffee at seven.

Now, Friday night I texted him and asked if we could meet at eight instead.

His response?

"Haha, sure. You'll have to just make it up to me, I guess. ;P"

Ugh.

If you recall, this isn't the first weird insinuation we're going to hook up even though, you know, WE HAVEN'T EVEN MET YET. This is coffee, dude, not AdultFriendFinder. I need to see you and talk to you first. Especially since your photos show you at two very different weights.

Maybe he was trying to be funny and it just came off awkward, as written communications sometimes do. Maybe he genuinely believes he got game.

Either way, I don't think I'm going to find out.

Why?

Because last night, not one hour before we were supposed to meet (thank the flying spaghetti monster the place was in my neighborhood, otherwise I might have been on my way), I get the following text:

"Hey, I'm gonna have to bail on tonight. I've been drinking since 10 this morning and would want to make a non dunk first impression." [sic]

Really, Winkie? REALLY?

Yes, I get that yesterday was the Saturday before St. Patrick's Day, which tends to get a little crazy. As someone who has happily gotten wasted at noon during Pride festivities, I probably can't judge.

However:

1) We've had this date scheduled for over a week (two if you count before we rescheduled). If you knew you were going out with your friends, why'd you ask to meet me on Saturday (a day that, after all, was your idea)? If it just came up, why didn't you either cancel early or, I don't know, PACE YOURSELF during the day? You're in your mid-twenties, dude. By then, most people know how much liquor they can handle.

2) So YOU were one of the idiots screaming outside my window, clogging up foot traffic, puking on the sidewalk and causing the ambulances to run overtime yesterday. (Sorry, I'm just a grouch like that about pre-St. Patrick's Day. I just don't see the point. At least with Pride you're celebrating in the company of funny and happy gay men, not icky bloated red-faced douchetards.)

3) I don't think it would have worked anyway. See 2). You are a pre-St. Patrick's Day person. I am not.

What did I do with my sudden free hour (because, unbeknownst to Winkie, I had a commitment later that night, so a hookup most likely wouldn't have happened even if I were attracted)?

I put on a fabulous new hat and took myself out for coffee at a really cool local place. What can I say? Sometimes it's nice to just be alone.

Random Updates in Non-chronological Order, by Rock

So that guy that I didn't really feel it with? The one that just felt very friendly? Date 2 of 3? We had plans to hang again. I couldn't tell if we were going to be friends or if he wanted more. Anyway this past week we had dinner, then got high and drank wine and watched funny television. When it was time for him to leave, we bro-hugged it out. I quickly got a text:

Would I have been out of line had I tried to give you a kiss goodnight?

Now, old Rock, maybe even sober Rock, would have been very nice and wishy-washy about it. I probably would have even cuddled with him when I knew he wanted to while watching tv, but I was in that super high place were you have no problem being super honest. So instead the following conversation took place (unedited, so remember we were both high)

Me: Awww. I have to admit, I feel an awesome energy with you, it's just a fraternal, platonic energy. I really want to get to know each other, but just not feeling it romantically. Sorry if that isn't mutual. I really want to be good friends.

Him: No I totally understand. I guess I was just having a hard time reading it. I'm 100% good with friends!

Me: Awesome. :) You seem like good people and really cool. Glad to hear that.

We've been texting a little since then. Time will tell if we'll actually be friends. But I was proud of my honesty and not having the "well if he's into me maybe I should explore it" mentality.

Also, I got a smart phone recently. Which means of course I had to download Scruff and Grindr. Of course. I had to. It's ridiculous how much time I can waste just chatting with guys and having the same conversation.

"What's up?"

"Not much. You?"

"Just hanging out."

"Nice pics."

"Thanks. You too."

I'm not really a hook-up person, but I did invite this guy over last Friday. More just to hang out, but I was drunk and wanted to cuddle so we did. Even though he was a complete dork and chunkier than his picture led on. Of course it turns out that I'm friends with his old roommate who of course heard about it. And that's why I'm stuck playing Words With Friends with this guy that I really don't ever want to see again.

Even if he had been adorable, intimacy is just not my thing right now. The thought of kissing a guy is scary for some reason, and until I deal with that, I really have no business dating anyone.

The Night We Never Met, by Doris

"I can't believe you were going out with him in the first place," Rock said last night.

Remember Midnight Cowboy? The dude I stupidly agreed to meet at the witching hour on a weeknight, who wasn't even that cute? The guy who from message one came off as more than a little douchey?

Well, last night I had to work late. Very late. I had a 12-hour day with virtually no break, much of which was spent running around and trying to keep various balls in the air. Earlier in the week, I'd figured I'd still be hyped up later, as I usually am after major events, and could handle a date.

While still at work, I get a text from MC. Could we meet at 11 instead?

Sure, I replied, thinking if worse came to worse I'd just go straight to the bar as I was dressed cute anyway.

I step away from my phone and step back half an hour later, only to find out he wants to switch back to midnight.

Ugh, seriously?

Look, I get it. Shit happens, life happens, work happens. I mean, I was at work myself when I got the message. And maybe because of that, because I'd been running and making amends and allowances because I am paid to do so, I didn't want to compromise and yes-woman myself another damn time, for results that would likely be less than satisfactory.

By "results," I don't mean bad sex, necessarily. I mean, it took a 12-hour workday of running around to realize...

I didn't really like Midnight Cowboy.

Not enough to meet him late, after he changed the meeting time, then changed it again. Not enough to submit myself to what would likely be a quick drink then fooling around. I could practically smell the subtext in all his communications.

Again, a one-night stand isn't a bad thing. But I need to dig you a little before we hop into bed. And the fact that you're kinda douchey before we even meet, plus I don't find you super attractive?

Clang, clang, clang went the "Doris, don't do this" trolley.

I texted back that I just wasn't down--I was working, I needed to be back at work early the next morning, and I was afraid I just wouldn't be very good company. We vaguely left it at "another time," which I think we both know will never happen.

My next text was for Rock, whom I knew was out somewhere in the city:

Where are you?

Because some nights, you DO have to make awkward small talk to get what you want, whether that's a one-nighter or a deep connection.

And some nights, you just want to have a drink with your friends.

I know I made the right choice.

In Which I Snark on a Profile, by Doris

From a guy whose screen name "ironically" suggests a porn name (turnoff #1):

Tall, heterosexual, single, and I live by myself. Is that not enough to get a first date? Just kidding I also love kids and listening. Now can we go on a date? Just kidding I'm sensitive and think about flowers.

Someone's been reading Tucker Max.

I'd like to meet someone extravagantly beautiful, curious about the world, and sexually voracious.

Are you KIDDING me?

Under "what I'm doing with my life:"

I go to business school.

Now, not everyone who goes to business school is a douche. But when your profile reads like an unironic episode of The Man Show, it ain't helping your case, sweetheart.

Under "favorite movies:"

Ikiru, Dr. Strangelove, Live Free or Die Hard, Secretary, 9 1/2 Weeks

We GET IT. You're a MAN. A MAN MAN MAN.



You like sex and violence! If you included Bambi in here, I wouldn't be muttering "closet homosexual" under my breath.

Under "you should message me if:"

You go for smart, ambitious, and eccentric.

Huh?

If your pictures are any indication, you've spray-tanned at least once in your life and wear "Yearning" by Dennis Feinstein. I'm guessing you belonged to a frat in college, and not the fun kind as portrayed on the ABCFamily series Greek, but the misogynistic date-rapey kind. You have made it very clear you like women who are GORGEOUS and WISH TO FORNICATE. You want to go into finance.

Pray tell, how does "eccentric" figure in here?

This has been your Online Dating Profile Snark of the Day!

Halladay, Lincecum, Kershaw... Ruiz, Posey, Barajas...., by Rock

The Faux Spaniard and I went out for cupcakes and drinks this past Wednesday. We hadn't seen each other in almost two weeks, so the night started off a little awkwardly, especially since I was late and stressed having driven halfway there before realizing I didn't have my wallet. I was all out panicking when it wasn't in my apartment either. Luckily I found it in the street next to where my car had been parked, with everything still in it even.

Anyways, it started out a little awkward, but as we kept drinking at the coolest bar in the world (his suggestion), it got better (alcohol often does that). He insisted on paying since it had just been my birthday. We were in his neighborhood, but he has to get up so early for work that he offered to come back to my place instead so I could sleep in. We came back and had a few more drinks. As we were chatting, I insisted he borrow two of my books. They're graphic novels and he should finish them quickly, but still. Who am I lending someone stuff that means a lot to me? We hopped into bed.

Where in our drunkenness, we had sex for the first time. And he played catcher, something he had never done before.

It was good, but I was upset with myself since I was aware of his "position" (hahahaha, I crack myself up) and wanted to really save that until we were involved if we got there. You never forget your first (even though he had pitched before), and I was not exactly eager to put that second punch into his V-card.

But what was done was done. I sent him a text the next day to make sure he was okay with everything that happened, and he said he was. Other than that, we were both adults, I didn't put any pressure on him, and I wasn't going to lose sleep about it.

The problem was, I had already started a conversation in my head about what I want right now (more on that later).

So on Saturday, I was poised to get out of work at a somewhat decent hour (read: before midnight), so I suggested that he head to my place after the party he was attending so we could cuddle and sleep in (every other night we've spent together, his alarm is set for 5:45). He liked the plan, but he lost track of time a bit and showed up pretty late. He was super apologetic, something I wanted from 2.0 when something similar happened with him.

Everything was fine until we got into bed.

SOMEWHAT INTIMATE DETAILS WARNING FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW ME AND AREN'T USED TO DISCUSSING SEX.

Sex to me has always been just as much about pleasuring someone else as it is about getting "pleased." I've been with my share of selfish lovers, but I've never been with someone so "unselfish" before. I kept trying to go down on him and every time he got close he made me stop. I tried to explain that I wanted to see him come. He said that in his experience, one person usually came and then "got the other person back in the morning" and he didn't want that to me. I told him that sounded ridiculous and every person I had always been with, it was definitely the goal for both people to get off. I let him suck me off, thinking I could get back to business when he was done. He wouldn't let me. Trust me. I tried. I went to bed a little ticked off.

I like to feel like a provider sometimes. I like to feel like a nurturer sometimes. I don't want to feel like a child or invalid being taken care of all the times (bad simile to use when talking about sex?). He tries to pay all the time. He doesn't want to inconvenience me by having me over. He won't let me get him off because he doesn't think I'll truly enjoy it. I get a massage but can't reciprocate.

It's kind of nice for about five minutes. Then I feel like I'm being spoiled.

I can step back and say that I'm usually the person who gives up more in relationships. Just marginally most of the time. And so I wonder if maybe this is just new to me and I should go with the flow, but then I realize that this is such an extreme and it doesn't sit well with me.

He started to get frisky in the morning, but I'm not a fan of morning sex. I'm a fan of we've been up lying in bed for two hours and talking and waking up and now let's get started sex, but not right when I wake up and don't have coffee sex. So maybe next time he'll take his orgasm when it's offered.

I've also been thinking a lot recently. Ever since coming out, I have been AGGRESSIVELY trying to find the person I'll spend the rest of my life with. I treat it like a full-time job, multiple dates a week, skimming dating profiles, I can't go to a bar without scanning the room like mad.

I realized with 2.0 how willing I was to let this new boy define my life in this city. I'm newish coming back here. I'm trying to transition jobs. I need to work on growing my family of friends here and lying down roots. There's nothing wrong with grabbing a drink with a cute boy from time to time, but I think for once in my life I'm going to make the active choice to not make dating a priority.

I'm not abandoning this blog (if only you were all that lucky). I still will go on a date with a boy who catches my interest. I'll probably still browse profiles when I'm bored. I just don't want to have a specific endgame in mind. Even if I enjoy someone's company, I'm going to need to keep it casual.

The way life usually works out, I'll probably have better luck now anyway.

I'm going to change the wording on my OKCupid profile. I'm going to have a talk with The Faux Spaniard so he knows what's up (I'd happily continue to hang out, but don't want to think about a future or exclusivity right now.).

This is a good thing.

I can't believe I just used "life" as a label for this post. I'm such a douchebag.

Two-Date Week, by Doris

So my date with Winkie, which was supposed to be Friday night, got postponed to next Saturday because he got stuck in a meeting. Because it was a long-ass week and I'm just that lame, I was in bed by ten on Friday, so it all worked out.

I'm looking at this as a practice date a la Rivers-a-like. Because I got sidetracked by the Russian, I haven't been out with a guy in a while. Time to jump back in.

Also, yes, I am meeting Midnight Cowboy on Thursday. I have a work event that's going to run late anyway, and it always takes me a while to come down from those. The deal is, we have to meet at a bar near my house. I am going to text Rock the guy's phone number just in case. I have pepper spray and I'm not afraid to use it.

In the comments section of my last post, Rock got to talking about one-night stands. I don't have a problem with one-night stands. Who knows, either or both of these guys could turn into that. However, I don't think I'm at that point yet. If I were, I'd drag my friends out to a bar. I don't think I'd mind casual sex, but as more of an ongoing thing. And yes, I'm aware that some one-night stands do turn into more. But I have mixed feelings.

And as I said in my response, I don't have an issue with booty calls or one-night stands. But maybe let's be more upfront about it and not call it a "date."

If this doesn't make sense to you, don't worry. It doesn't make sense to me either.

Be Careful What You Wish For, by Doris

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Analyzing the shit out of myself, by Rock

So I was looking around the dodgeball court on Sunday and crushing on all of the straight guys. It occurred to me that if the guys were gay, they wouldn't be "good enough" for me, but since they were straight and unobtainable I was crushing like crazy.

I realized this was a pretty common dealio for me. A little bit of a stomach, for example, could be charming on a straight dude, but I don't want it on the guy I'm dating.

I think it has less to do with the stomach and more with the accessibility. Looking at my past bunch of relationships, the common denominator for the ones that hurt me (for new readers, I did a recap of my Evil Exes that you can go back and find in the archives) is that I've been way more emotionally involved than them.

And I'm sure you're all saying, "Duh." That's obviously the case always when someone gets hurt. But I think it's more than that with me. I think that two issues are at play here.

1- I tend to view myself as a work in progress. I'm not entirely happy with where I am in life right now, so if someone is completely sold on me I take that as a character flaw on their part.

2- I really enjoy the hunt or the chase when it comes to dating. I like to be the aggressor and win the other person over. In old-fashioned sexist terms, to be the "guy." Plan the date, try and impress them, try and pay even when my wallet can't afford it, etc.

And I think because of these two issues I tend to go for guys that aren't at a place in life where they can invest 100% or guys that are maybe a little out of my league and need a rebound or something. I don't think it's really a conscious thing on my part, but it's definitely the common denominator in most of the guys I've had relationships with.

And so I'm trying to switch it up a little right now with whom I'm going on dates with. Trying to be aware of what I'm going after. Trying to realize my own value and assess whether I really want to find "ever after" now or if I'm subconsciously holding out for something better when I feel like I am better. I'm starting to feel this awareness of this dichotomy in my brain of wanting something that won't last forever, but not being able to actively engage unless I think it could last forever.

This is a work in progress, obviously. But the realization is definitely a big first step.

Also worth noting is an intense disinterest in intimacy, both emotional and physical, since it ended with 2.0. I feel like tiny little serfs are currently building a ten-foot-tall wall around me. I think in a way this could be a good thing, but to continue an awful cliche-filled metaphor, it would be good if we could revise the plans and bring the wall down to about four feet.