Catholic Guilt, by Doris

I was baptized Catholic and went to parochial school from kindergarten to twelfth grade. Now I only go to Mass when I'm with my family because it makes them happy.

Yet Catholic guilt is a bitch to let go. And believe me, I've tried.

Last night I met up with The Hair at this really cool bar in his neighborhood that I've always wanted to try. The bar did not disappoint. Neither did the conversation, which was really fun and not at all one-sided and ranged from conservative family values to why e-readers are so awesome.

I wish, wish, wish I could feel something for this guy. I don't. Hence the Catholic guilt.

Really, I shouldn't have gone on this date at all. I know with the second date it's okay to still be figuring things out, but I'd pretty much already decided there would be no third date. I felt mean. At the same time, I didn't want to act distant and be rude.

He had a second drink, but I did not because a) the drinks were expensive, and b) I have a very low tolerance for alcohol and I needed to get up for work the next morning. He asked if I wanted to take a walk in the park, and I politely said no because, again, I had to work the next morning and if public transportation was slow it could take me up to an hour to get home. (Both of these were true. I just didn't mention that I've happily stayed out late on weeknights before.)

Oh, and he paid and didn't make a big deal out of it, which made me feel worse.

Outside the bar, I think he wanted to go for a kiss, but I gave him a hug instead. Again, I feel mean. But I think it would be meaner to lead him on.

Rock says this is part of the game, and I get that. This is just the first guy I've gone out with where I genuinely wish I could feel something.

We We We So Not Excited, by Doris

I'll keep this short, but I'm supposed to see The Hair tonight (we rescheduled from Friday). We are going to a bar in his neighborhood I've always wanted to go to, which is a plus.

And I can think of a million things I'd rather be doing.

He is perfectly nice, but a) I get the feeling he's way more excited about this than I am, and b) he called me "pretty girl" in a text.

Now, I know we've only been on one date and many girls like that kind of thing and he doesn't know me well enough to know this, but:

I don't really go for those kind of endearments. It just squicks me out even if the guy is not squicky.

I'm going to try to keep an open mind, but honestly it will probably be one drink and go.

Will report back.

(P.S. Did anyone see Parks and Recreation? Did anyone else have a REALLY hard time believing Leslie was the only one opposed to those two getting married? Though I did love her line about falling for the Civil War re-enactor.)

Eh, by Rock

So this guy that I had been talking to on Grindr for some time came over to watch a movie last night.

I really don't like when people explain the joke in their laughter. Like "Oh he lent her his pink shirt earlier. Hahaha." Or THE WORST: "No one would ever say that. Hahaha." Yes. That's why it's funny.

But anyways we started fooling around a little and it could have gone one of two ways: He was cute enough, and I could have totally hit that for the easy win, but I wasn't really feeling it and didn't really want to see him again.

While he was grinding on me I had this flashback to the first time 2.0 and I fooled around and I got a bit nostalgic. Then I had this GIANT COME-TO-JESUS MOMENT OF CLARITY. The ONLY thing special about 2.0 is how I felt about him. He was pretty average with his own set of flaws (and yes, strengths. He wasn't awful). But I was crazy about him. THAT'S what made him special.

And since I wasn't crazy about this one I told him "we should be good" and that "I had to be up early in the morning." He left before clothes came off.

I'm learning.

The Safety Dance, by Doris

So The Hair and I are scheduled to go out tomorrow night, have a glass of wine and maybe see a movie. Between working long hours (with more to come this weekend!) and preparing to move apartments, I am suspecting a glass or two of wine may be all I can handle. We'll see. I'd be very surprised if a third date comes of this--he's really nice, but I just can't get all that excited--but I am trying to keep an open mind.

I'm also messaging with a guy I'll call Wings because he and I both enjoy eating wings. The messages are very looong so I'm hoping we'll meet up soon.

And in the meantime...

Remember my friend's ex, who's also my friend, for whom I've had feelings in the past?

Let's call him Jim Berger. Jim as in Jim and Pam from The Office, because he works with me (though not in the same department). Berger as in Jack Berger from Sex and the City, because he is a writer (though to my knowledge, he has not dumped anyone via Post-It).

Can you tell Rock and I like TV?

So he's a quiet guy, laid-back, sweet. I've known him for several years but have gotten to know him better in the past year when we worked on a couple of projects together and he started dating my friend (also a coworker). We're both writers, like the theatre and movies, have stuff in common.

He's always been very complimentary of my writing--not this blog, which he doesn't know exists, but some of my other stuff on the Web. And he's an excellent writer and has a nice little freelance career going, so I value those compliments. He's said my writing style makes him want to improve his own, which, WOW. He's also trying to help me score some freelance gigs of my own, which is really nice considering how competitive the market can be.

And lately...there's been this energy between us.

Nothing too drastic. Just more chatting, some Facebook messaging, emails back and forth. Shy smiles. That sort of thing. Just a wee bit more than friendly.

I'm not delusional. I don't think this is going to lead to anything. I think we are both stressed out about various life-y things right now, and feel comfortable with each other.

And sometimes that's enough.

Energy manifests in different ways. I mean, Rock and I had energy from day one. Not a romantic energy, but it led to a friendship going on eleven years. Having energy with someone doesn't mean you're going to sleep with them. Or that you even want to. (Okay, I wouldn't be opposed in this case. But anyway...)

I'm not going to stop dating people or pine away for this dude. But I'm going to enjoy what we've got.

'Cause I don't know what Jim Berger's opinion is, but I think this is damn nice.

Twofer, by Rock

Went on this first date last night with this guy that reminded me of Twofer from 30 Rock because he was a skinny black dude with super short hair that went to Harvard.

He was cute, but his breath smelled. We also went to a place that specializes in ridiculously awesome and intricate cocktails and he ordered a beer he knew he liked.

He also just kept talking at me, whether it be about his job or short stories that were in Spanish so I couldn't read them if I wanted to or foreign films I hadn't seen.

The times we were actually having a conversation were great, but I was getting so annoyed every time he was just talking at me.

It was clear he was into it, kept touching my arm and getting closer to me. I felt like he was trying to connect with me, but I was so impatient to just get home and be in bed.

I definitely need a little break from dates. They're just getting more and more frustrating when they don't work out. If someone gets in touch with me, that's great. I'll consider it. But I'm not actively seeking for a while.

Winning, by Rock

Went to a bar after work with some straight guy friends to watch the game. It was the same bar that Scrubs and I grabbed a drink at, so I invited him to come join us. He did. I had a boy to make out with after the game and a place to stay.

He's still pretty unavailable, busy with school and not looking for anything serious. Still it was good times and if we hung out from time to time I would be okay with that.

Now back to bed. It is early.

I Have No Idea What Happened Last Night, by Rock

And because I have no idea what happened last night, I'm going to go over all of the details to try to figure it out.

First of all, on Sunday I was with the Couple and we were doing these personality analysis things. Mine talked a lot about how prevalent the idea of sacrifice was in my life, whether I gave up things because of a sense of duty or to please my parents and how it probably didn't feel like sacrifice to me, it just felt like doing the right thing. It talked about how I demand sacrifice from important people in my life. The word "sacrifice" made me really uncomfortable and I was not okay with this analysis at all, but I have been mulling it over and wondering if there is some truth to it.

(For the record, the rest of the night with The Couple was really fun. I think I want to start transitioning into just a friendship, but that is neither here nor there, I want to talk about last night. Not Sunday.)

Last night I worked but then was supposed to head over to Charlie's to watch a movie and most likely have a sleepover. A sleepover had been close to happening last time, but because of things like contact solution and early morning classes on his part, we decided to wait until next time.

You might remember that Charlie lives in the same building, on the same floor as 2.0. However, I really thought I was over this and it wouldn't be a big deal, even if I did run into him.

But I was really looking forward to hanging out with Charlie. We had been cute texting all week, he has a lot going for him, it was going to be fun. All of work, I was really excited to head over and relax and probably get laid.

Then I got a text during work asking if I had seen "I Love You, Phillip Morris" because it was "finally out" and supposed to be "incredible." I said I hadn't and that was definitely an option. But for some reason, and I don't know why, this annoyed me a bit. Call me petty. I would definitely see that movie out of curiosity, but I would probably do most things out of curiosity. I slept with a girl a little over a year ago just to "see what it was like." But that's another story.

I jumped in a cab and headed to his place after work, and I am not going to lie: it was a little weird giving 2.0's address. I had taken that cab ride so many times in December and January. I exited the cab at the grocery store with the Redbox where 2.0 and I had done so many frozen pizza and beer runs (to be fair, this was also my grocery store for most of college, so let's not get overly nostalgic for 2.0). And to be honest, at this point, this was all just a little weird. I wasn't freaking out about it. Yeah I would prefer to not run into 2.0, but it was actually all just kind of amusing.

Charlie got down there and we started looking at movies and immediately he was just annoying to me. I think he was just really excited to be hanging out with me, and that is very sweet, but it manifested itself into this hyper energy that was just not appealing. Something about his movie tastes were just a little off-putting. It's hard to describe, I'm usually not that snob, but I just recall thinking "What was I thinking?" This guy is not for me.

We decided on The Switch. We went back up to his place, and I felt a little like I was trespassing but again it was just weird more than anything. I remember being ready for anything when I got off the elevator on that floor, but that moment quickly passed, we turned right instead of left, and all was well.

Looking back at it, it was almost rude how when we got into his room, I just started turning on his TV and putting the movie in, but the small talk was taking a while, and I knew he had to get up so early. I didn't make a big deal of it, I was just getting ready for our night. But I probably should have just let him do it. I could have even suggested that he do it, but I just did it. Which strikes me as weird now. At this point, his energy was still just really kind of bugging me.

We watched the movie lying in his bed just kind of touching. About halfway through he put his head on my shoulder and I wrapped my arm around him.

For the record, the movie is great. It was definitely a bit more serious than we thought it was going to be, but I really enjoyed it a lot. Add it to your queue.

The whole movie though I was dreading about after. I knew that no hard feelings, but I really didn't want to see him again after this. The energy just wasn't there like I thought it was. I was mad at myself for thinking it was. I was confused as to why it wasn't there anymore, but I knew it would be awful to fool around and spend the night and then never want to see him again. I knew it was easier short-term, but not overall.

Earlier in the day before work I was reading this short story by Lorrie Moore called "What Is Seized. It is narrated by this woman recalling growing up with a "cold man" for a father and the toll it took on her mother. It was a beautiful, haunting story, all the more so because I had this realization that I am attracted to "cold men." Men that could lure you in with charm, but then left you gasping for some emotional connection. 2.0 strikes me as one, for example, and if you worked through my evil exes you could probably find a few more.

So now I had this guy who was so excited to have me over and in his bed that he was practically bouncing off of the walls and that energy, that excitement over me was so off-putting that I considered myself completely over this guy. What exactly is wrong with me?

After the movie he started kissing me and every kiss was awful for me. I felt trapped and claustrophobic. I kept thinking about this "sacrifice" I was going to have to make of fooling around with this guy I wasn't into. He could tell that something was a bit up.

"Are you tired?" he asked me.

"A little. Are you?" I replied.

"No. Should I be?"

We continued kissing as it because more and more apparent to me that I could not spend the night. Absolutely not. My head rushed for excuses and reasons that wouldn't crush this sweet boy that did nothing wrong.

Finally I had a moment of genius.

"I'm sorry," I began, "It's just so weird for me knowing that he's just a few doors down. I made it sounds like I was over him more than I was, but he really broke my heart."

He was empathetic. "I knew something was wrong. I'm just glad it's not me. I thought I did something wrong."

We did the little dance, both commenting on how similar the apartments looked. Me apologizing and saying how stupid I felt.

He asked if I wanted to just go to bed. I said I thought it was better if I left.

I felt like the biggest dick in the world. He was crushed. But at least his feelings were spared a little bit. I gave him an awkward hug good-bye at the door.

Walking to the train station, I wondered if there was any truth to my excuse. It certainly felt a bit true, but I could have just really bought into it in order to sell it to Charlie. My current guess is that it was a little more uncomfortable for me to be there than I was allowing myself to admit, but that being said, it wouldn't have worked out with Charlie anyway, and I was lucky to have such a good excuse right there. I looked like a fool, but a sacrifice I am willing to make in order to spare his feelings a bit.

I am a little surprised that he hasn't texted me anything about last night. I think he knows that it is completely over and completely awkward. Not sure if I owe him an "Again I'm really sorry" text or not.

But anyway, that was my night. I'm still a little confused by it. If someone can figure it out better than I have, by all means, please don't be shy.