Yes That's All There Is, by Doris

Back in November, Rock approached me about embarking on a dating odyssey and blogging about it. Little did I know this was a trick to get me to, you know, date.

And it worked. Rock, you are a coy bastard.

I'm not ending the six months with a boyfriend, or even a boy toy. But I am ending with a new freedom.

I haven't forgotten Excalibur. I still miss him sometimes. Maybe that will never fully go away.

I still don't know what will happen with Jim Berger. I'm attracted and he's fun, but he's also hot-and-cold and I'm not sure if it's worth the drama. As of now, it's still very much will-they-or-won't-they? And I'm okay with that.

I've been stood up. I've dated guys I shouldn't be dating. I've lusted after coworkers, had ex run-ins, drunk texts and awkward phone calls, and I still don't know whether finding The One will ever be a priority for me.

I've also found the freedom to openly write about my past, which had been an issue for me. And I've found my writing (both on this blog and in other outlets under my real name) has an honesty it's previously lacked.

So thank you. For reading, for commenting, for being in the dating trenches with Rock and me.

This morning on my Facebook feed, there was a quote from The L Word: "And as they say, men come and go, but your friends are forever."

With friends like Rock, I'll never be alone.

Be well, in love and in life.

Au revoir,

Doris

Welp, this is it..., by Rock

Here we are. Six months have flown by, and our experiment is over. I'm a little bummed that the "narrative flow" of our journals haven't ended up in giant revelations or last-act surprises reserved for fiction, but I look at everything that the two of us have learned and I'm satisfied nonetheless.

For the first time in my adult life, having a man is not a priority. Gone are weeks of having three first dates in the span of seven days, with the fear that if I wasn't out there, I would miss my Mr. Right. Gone are not-so-great connections where I'm afraid to end it because I need to be nice. I'm really at a point in my life where I'm focused on me, and it feels good.

Noah Wyle and I are still seeing each other. We're both extremely busy, we both need a small escape from our schedules which we find in each other, and because of our circumstances (I don't know where I'll be going to school, he doesn't know where he'll be doing his residency), there's a small detachment that I believe is on both of our parts and it feels safe. We don't have a label, I don't want a label, we haven't talked about a label, and that feels good.

But thanks for coming along for the ride and checking out our narcissistic self-analyzing. I wish you the best, I wish us the best. Peace out.

Plans, by Doris

We have plans, Jim Berger and I.

To go out in public and do something. Together.

I realize I should probably cut my losses. Get out while I still can. Go out to a bar and hit on bloated frat boys or douchey hipsters.

Every time I realize this, I get another cute email. Have another fun conversation about Henry Darger or living in France. Smile yet again at something funny one of us said. Have two more hours of drunk texts (happened again last night).

The invitation unfolded organically. We were emailing back and forth yesterday: he was at work, I was running around doing errands after dance class.

He mentioned wanting to see a show. I said I was planning on going, which was true, if he wanted to join.

His words: "I'm in."

It's not for three weeks. I fully realize he could flake out on me before then.

Because Jim Berger is kind of a flake. I realize this. I know I shouldn't invest a lot of emotion in something that will likely go nowhere.

However.

He is cute. He is easy to talk to. He is there. He is making difficult workdays easier, just by being himself.

And right now, that is good enough for me.

Drunk Texts Part Deux, by Doris

Went out with Rock and the boys on Sunday night. Weather was gorgeous and because of the holiday everyone was out. It was one of those nights where the conversation en route to bar #1 went like this:

Me: I think I'll just have one drink. Maybe two. I'm kinda tired.
Rock: Yeah, I have stuff to do tomorrow. I'll probably go home around 11:30 or midnight.
Me: If this were a TV show, it would cut to us dancing on tables at 2:30 a.m.

Yup. Out till 3.

At bar #2, a couple drinks and two shots in, I wasn't scrape-me-off-the-floor wasted (that came later), but drunk enough to type this out on my phone:

"Drunk text. Hi."

Guess who was the recipient? I'll give you a hint.

JB was at a winding-down barbecue and was also tanked. We proceeded to text for two hours, through getting a ride home from friends/procuring and eating a sub/watching Meet the Press (him) and imbibing more drinks and shots/dancing to Lady Gaga/stumbling to another bar (me).

All with proper spelling, capitalization and punctuation. Proving to me that at least one other person in this world gets more pretentious when they're wasted.

Here's the kicker:

At one point, JB suggested we grab a drink sometime.

I didn't hear from him yesterday and he's not at work today (as I knew he wouldn't be, because he told me on Friday).

I don't know if I should follow up on the drink invitation.

On the one hand, in vino veritas and all that. On the other hand, to paraphrase The Hangover, we all say dumb shit when we're fucked up. Or at least shit we don't mean.

And it's not like he said this out loud. It's in a text. Meaning he can go back and read our conversation, and pursue that opportunity if he wants to. (I didn't say yes or no at the time. Just proceeded with the texting.)

I think it'll be interesting to see how he acts around me tomorrow, and if he even acknowledges Sunday night. I'm not going to be too hard on him if he doesn't. Drunk happens.

Update Past Due, by Rock

My apologies if any of you were on pins and needles (I'm guessing no.). I've been in the process of setting some crazy huge life changes in motion and work has been scheduling me all sorts of hours. This blog had to take a temporary back seat to, well, life, not to sound too over dramatic.

What's been going on.

I've made the decision recently that I will probably be going to graduate school. Though I won't be entering for a while (still have to take the appropriate entrance exam and apply and we're talking fall of 2012), the need for a guy in my life has greatly diminished. I have other things to worry about, spend my money on, and though I would love to stay in this amazing city that I call home, there's a possibility I will have to move away for a few years for school, depending on where I get in. If I am lucky enough to stay here, I don't know if I will want the distraction of a guy in my life.

So where does that bring me? Noah Wyle. I've still been seeing him, though he's currently at home for a week and a half helping his mom recover from surgery. He's definitely the nicest guy I have ever dated, which for better or for worse is not my type. I honestly think we're good, not great together, and I don't know if we have long-term potential. If I were looking for forever, I would probably end it now.

But right now, he's in med school, I'm studying for an asshole test, it's really easy, and it's kind of nice. He's fully aware that I will be entering school who knows where. I'm fully aware he might get his residency in a few years who knows where. Good enough might be enough for right now.

Flipping the figurative coin back over, I don't know how fair that is to him, and I don't know how necessary it is for me to articulate that in order for it to continue. I think I can hold off until he brings up the "boyfriend" word, but we'll see.

So that's where I am on him. Operating firmly on the advice I love: "The only decision you have to make is if you want to see him one more time."

And yes, I saw 2.0 at a concert and yes, I freaked out. I was in line waiting to get in. He passed by with his head down, probably avoiding eye contact, which I happily avoided. I spent most of the concert looking around for him, wondering if a run-in would be cathartic or awful. But it didn't happen. I don't know why this guy bothers me so much.

Then there is EE#5. Still the only guy I was convinced I could spend the rest of my life with. I still am, which is why I need to get the FUCK over him. Saw a facebook status update of his, and it had me waxing poetic and being nostalgic all day. He's still on the west coast. I'm not sure if I'll ever see him again. I wish him well. But ouch. Why can't the hurt go away 100%? Clearly we're not meant to be.

Drunk Text, by Doris

I lied. This is another Jim Berger post (but a short one).

Three emails Friday afternoon and evening.

And then...

I woke up Saturday morning to find this on my phone:

"Drunk text. I do it sometimes too."

Properly spelled and capitalized. AND a callback to a few weeks ago when we exchanged numbers and I said I promised not to drunk text him, as I am wont to do.

A few hours later, I texted: "Coffee. Eggs. Water. Ibuprofen."

Right back at me: "Coffee. V-8. Work. Oy."

And I left it at that.

Don't worry, I'm still strong.

But because I'm all about being honest on the blog I will admit:

It made me smile just a little.

Game Over, Man, by Doris

Last Jim Berger post ever, I swear:

So it's been over a week and no response to my "should we schedule a time to hang out?" email. Yet he's "liked" most of my Facebook posts and of course we've seen each other at work.

If we were in junior high, I could maybe forgive this.

He's 36.

Then this morning, I had to get something from him for our boss. We had a really nice face-to-face conversation. Then he sent me an email. Not acknowledging last week or anything (even though it was the same email thread. Seriously). Just a message related to something we had just discussed.

It's settled: this is a work friendship and nothing more.

Note: I'm almost completely sure he is still hung up on his ex-girlfriend. It's her last day in the office, as she's accepted a position elsewhere. It'll be interesting to see whether he starts communicating with me more once she is gone.

His loss. We have a lot in common and could have had a really nice friendship or friends-with-benefits deal. Hell, I told Rock that I would have been Jim Berger's rebound, as long as he was honest about it.

However, I don't have the time or the energy to decode mixed messages.

All he had to do was respond to last week's email with a "you know, I'm really not comfortable hanging outside of the office right now," or even a noncommittal, "I'll check my schedule and get back to you" if he wanted to let me off easy. If he didn't want to email, there is texting. There is coming to my desk and saying, "can I talk to you for a second?"

But no. There was no response, and a week and a half later it's like it never happened.

Over.

At a concert. 2.0 sighting. No eye contact yet. Details to follow.

Speak for Someone You Don't Know, by Doris

So I think Jim Berger's a no-go.

I've had the feeling this whole week that it's shit or get off the pot time. Quite honestly, I'm tired of going back and forth. In an ideal world, I'd wait until his ex-girlfriend left the office in two weeks, but a) that feels really, really calculated, and b) I've never been good at waiting.

Let me stress first that it's FINE. I'm FINE. Some interactions don't go outside the office, for whatever reason. I'm a grown-up. I can handle it.

I had a really shitty morning yesterday. Nothing major, just a little inconvenience that became a big one. As someone who struggled with a bout of depression this past year, I try to be extra aware of these times of stress, so I can do things to improve my mood rather than stew in my own pissed-off juices, the latter of which is unproductive and unhealthy.

So I texted a friend and made a plan to see a movie the next night. (Turns out she was having a bad morning too.) And then, I emailed Jim and asked if he wanted to have a drink with me.

This last part, I had figured out with Rock. It sounded informal and off the cuff enough, but I had to remember not to take it personally if he was busy. As Rock reminded me, my own schedule is crazy and 90% of the time when someone asks me to hang out in a matter of hours, I have something else going already.

So he said no, he was baby-sitting and had a deadline.

I emailed back no worries, I know how crazy schedules can be. Should we plan for another time?

Haven't heard back.

And I'm done.

Again, it's FINE. I'm not mad. I'm maybe a little hurt, but whatever. It would have been nice to hang out even as friends but maybe he is not comfortable with that, and he has every right to his feelings.

Here's the thing, though:

I think he's still hung up on his ex.

DISCLAIMER: This is pure, unadulterated speculation on my part. I wasn't in that relationship. I don't know the circumstances. What follows is all personal theory, based on how I've seen them interact and what I know about exes.

Don't get me wrong, I believe exes can be friends. I think it's terrific when they can. I also applaud Jim Berger and his ex for always, always keeping it professional in the office, both when they were together and when they split up. Especially when the breakup was happening, you would have never known it was going on. Good for them.

I don't think his ex is intentionally leading him on...I know my friend, and I don't think she'd do that. I'm sure she thinks they really are good friends (and again, maybe they are, in which case he is a highly evolved straight man).

But...I know straight men. I know of ex friendships. Even Dan Savage, who is good friends with a couple of his exes, says that it's almost necessary to have a period where you don't hang out or even speak (and again, I acknowledge this is almost impossible for them in a small office environment).

If two exes are good friends immediately after the breakup, it poses one of two questions: a) are they still sleeping together?, or b) is one hoping to get back with the other?

She's moved on, so I'm almost certain it's not a). And here's the thing about straight guys (which I've experienced firsthand)...many of them will hang in there as your "friend" if they think there's potential for something more on the horizon. Just based on what I have witnessed, I would bet that's what Jim Berger was doing.

And I don't hold it against him, but I also don't need that shit.

Again, I'm not excessively bitter. That said, I did want to vent a little bit, and blogs are good for that. So thank you for listening to my rant.

Over and out.

Open Arms and Prison Cells, by Doris

The past few days have been a bit rough, for various reasons. One of the bright spots? None other than Jim Berger.

I really thought we were done emailing, so I was pleasantly surprised to find a cute message from him in my in-box Saturday morning.

And very soon, I am going to take the initiative and step it up.

I had this big come to Jesus moment on Friday night. What the hell have I got to lose? Absolutely nothing.

Especially since his ex just put in her two weeks' notice.

If you've been keeping up with The Story of Jim Berger and His Ex Aka Doris' Friend, you know this was a BIG factor in my moving so slowly. Granted, he could also be hesitant about hooking up with yet another coworker. He could not be into me that way at all.

Or he could be your classic clueless straight guy.

Back in grad school, a friend (a straight guy himself) told me that straight guys can be inherently stupid when it comes to knowing a girl is interested. I remember my friend saying, "The only way I know for sure a girl is interested is if she tells me, and even then I'm like, 'What? You like ME? Really?'"

So I'm slowly starting to step it up a bit.

Yesterday, I invited him to a show Rock and I were attending that night. Now, I wasn't going to be surprised if he said no, because: a) this was really really short notice, b) the show was very late at night, and c) it was a drag show, which isn't exactly a big comfort zone for many straight guys. The invitation was just a casual, natural segue in our email conversation, so I figured why not?

I was pleasantly surprised to not only get a "maybe" (because he was going to be at a dinner party where a lot of alcohol would be served, and he wasn't sure if he'd be up to it by then), but a revelation that Jim Berger himself used to regularly dress in drag with his band.

Which is just badass, and is further proof I want him in my life, even if it's only platonic.

The thing is, I like being the one who's asked. That said, I've dealt with shy/clueless guys before, and I'm not great at waiting. I really don't want to pass up the opportunity for what could be a fun relationship or a great friendship. And I'm talking about sending a text and/or seeing if he wants to see a movie this week. Not sitting outside his apartment singing love songs.

He gave me his number, which in my experience guys don't do if they don't want you contacting them. Could be he is deliberately leaving the ball in my court to see what I will do.

So I'm going to text.

Worst case scenario: he politely rebuffs me, I'm embarrassed for a couple of days, then we move on and everything's back to normal.

Wish me luck.

I Don't Know What's Going On, by Rock

I took a break from all the texting and such with Noah Wyle and just talked to him about once a day if that for a few days. I honestly was about to call him and end it with the old standard speech (I think "we" are good, not great. And I think we both deserve great.) when he was texting about plans for our next date and I decided to go along with it. What's one more night? My plan was that if it went poorly, I would have the talk in person before just heading back to my place alone (I was rooting for us: I wanted to give us one more chance...).

But then he surprised me. He stopped being so reserved. He's still too courteous and polite to a fault, but he at least opened up and was a little candid and not so shy. I found myself enjoying myself.

He had bought tickets to a comedy show that turned out to be really funny, and after he brought up sleeping arrangements. I asked if he minded my place again, and I brought him home with the intention to have a discussion.

Which we started after we got off the bus. I said that I knew it was obvious and sounded silly to articulate, but it would make me feel better if I could just say it out loud. I said that while I was enjoying getting to know him, I needed to own the fact that I was still getting to know him. It was my perception that his mind was a little more made up than mine, and that was okay, but I needed to own that we were still new and figuring things out. He assured me that he had no plans for us to move in together anytime soon. He was still getting to know me as well. He asked if there was anything that sparked this and I said the sexual exclusivity made me a little nervous.

And then he showed some balls.

He owned that we started having sex a little quickly for him, but that was his rule: he didn't like to think about essentially having sex with a bunch of random people he didn't know through the transitive power or whatever. He reminded me that if I wasn't okay with this rule, then we could stop having sex for a while and we could still hang out and wait for when this rule made more sense. I said that it was valid. I gave him credit for even bringing it up with me and having that standard. I said it wasn't really even an issue, I probably wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else anyway but the freedom was important now to make the exclusivity mean more later. And we left it (again) that if it happened it happened, and parties would be informed.

And I thanked him for discussing it with me, and said I felt better. We went home and had good sex for the first time and spent the night together.

The smartest relationship advice I have ever gotten was "Just decide if you want to see him one more time. That's the only decision you have to make right now."After our conversation, I'm okay seeing him again.

Don't get me wrong: I don't think this is the love of my life. But for now it's nice and different and as long as I'm having a good time, why the hell not?

Stop Doing Everything Right, by Doris

During a 20-minute interaction this morning, Jim Berger:

1. Listened to me blather to a coworker about what I liked and didn't like about a film, plus interesting trivia, and didn't seem to think I was a blowhard (plus revealed he once interviewed the film's director).

2. When I mentioned I took dance, said he was a fan of my dance teacher, before knowing she was my teacher.

3. Asked me how I liked the British costume drama I saw the other night, and admitted to being the only guy in the theatre when he saw it.

Also, after a fairly shitty argument with a friend last night, I checked my email to find a message from him.

I am giggling and singing to myself. Not good.

He gets until the middle of next week to take the initiative, then I'm asking him to hang out.

I can't pass up this opportunity, even if it just turns out to be friendship. It's really tough to initiate a platonic deal with a straight guy when he's just started a new relationship. New girlfriends tend not to like new girl friends.

Recommendation

The Lover's Dictionary, by David Levithan should be required reading for all.

Dial A for Awkward, by Doris

Last night I finally worked up the nerve to call Hunter Parrish. Rock had told me that email or texting was bad form, and HP didn't have my phone number, so I felt I had no other choice.

Rock, I love ya, but I'm texting or emailing next time.

As I've expressed before, I'm just not good on the phone with people I don't know. That doesn't apply to work situations: I can phone-schmooze with the best of them, when the occasion calls for it, because I have a specific purpose. Even at work, however, I prefer email.

But Hunter Parrish is cute, so I sucked it up and dialed his number.

I prayed to the Flying Spaghetti Monster for voicemail, so I could leave a message with my number and leave the ball in his court. No awkwardness!

And I almost got my wish.

Four rings...

"Hello?"

Shit.

Most. Awkward. Three minutes. Of my life.

I know I keep saying "awkward" and I want to yell at myself to get a thesaurus, but there really is no other word.

Remember, I talked to this guy at a bar for ten minutes. I have no idea what his personality is like. I don't even know whether he gave me his card to get away from me (although I don't think so, generally straight guys don't give you their contact info if they don't want you contacting them).

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is just as dorky on the phone as I am. Also, he was on his break from one of his three jobs and I think I caught him off-guard.

(That said, dude, why didn't you just screen the call? I almost always do that when I don't recognize the number, as does Rock.)

Mercifully, his break ended (at least that's what he said, and I was more than fine with that), but he said he'd call later in the week so we could set up a time to hang out.

Because he now has my number, the ball is in his court.

Honestly, his personality doesn't seem all that great--then again, we've interacted very little. I won't be heartbroken if I never hear from him again.

On the other hand, if I DO hear from him...

I'd totally hit that.

I mean, HE LOOKS LIKE HUNTER PARRISH.

A Walk in the Park, by Rock

After much texting and such, Noah Wyle and I had our first actual date (as opposed to just hanging out) last night. Since he is new(ish) to the city, I thought up a "best of my neighborhood" evening where we were to start with flights of beer at my favorite microbrewery, move on to dinner at my favorite burger place (his favorite food), then onto ice cream at the best little ice cream shop, and finishing with coffee and a walk through the park.

I know. I'm pretty awesome to go on a date with.

Except we didn't do all that.

It started off well enough with the beer and the burger, even if he admitted that he likes plain food and isn't the most adventurous. I can live with that. I even wasn't too upset when he was "too full for coffee" (?) and self-conscious about all of the evening. I could even deal with the fact that he was tired and suggested we save the walk through the park for another night. We came back to my place, watched part of a movie, had some pretty good foreplay, and okay sex.

What was awkward and confusing was though even though the energy seemed to be flowing, the conversation wasn't. He was quiet and I definitely read him as nervous and guarded. I called him out on it a few times, once a little rudely. He claims he's just quiet and takes a while to open up. He's so polite and thanked me for dinner literally five times. Very considerate.

But he's decided that we're gonna work out, which makes me want to run. I know my friends criticize me for going after guys that I have to chase/are unavailable, but there has to be something said if after hanging out a few times this guy is talking about how he'll work through The Sopranos with me if I like. I feel like there even isn't a lot of effort to get to know me: he likes what he's seen so far. He's content to just hang out.

I don't know. It's not my style.

But there's some energy and attraction.

I am not sure if I wanna give him one more chance or just do the "it's not working out" talk. I think I'm over it, but not sure if I owe him one more.

I really was rooting for us.

He Likes Jane Austen, by Doris

Still haven't called Hunter Parrish. Probably will tonight. I intended to last night, but I'm taking some much needed "me-time" and didn't want the stress that goes with calling a boy who gave you his card at a bar three days ago. Which hasn't happened to me in a looong time, I might add.

As for Jim Berger...the short but cute emails keep coming, back and forth, fast and furious. We're into a lot of the same things. He can cook and bake really well, and I want to ask him to teach me but I'm too shy to do so (and that's a lot to ask of someone). We've both gotten a little teasing and flirty the way you only can in writing.

This has been going on for over a week. I keep waiting for it to stop. It doesn't.

At this point, I know Rock will yell at me to do something about it. To call or text, as I now have his number which he freely gave to me. To just freaking ask if he wants to see a movie, grab a coffee or a drink, go to a play (yes, he likes going to the theatre. Fuck me).

I want to make it clear: Rock has a very valid point.

I just want Jim to be the one who initiates.

There are a few reasons for this: my sister and I were saying last night that maybe it makes us bad feminists, but we like it when a guy makes the first move, even if it's just platonic. There's something about feeling wanted, whether it's by a friend or a potential makeout buddy.

Also, there's the elephant in the room known as his ex-girlfriend who's also my friend.

Again, even if it turns out to be platonic, I don't want it to look like I was biding my time until the breakup so I could pursue him. That's not true at all, but let's face it: in awkward relationship situations, whether it's straight-up cheating or more of a gray area, the woman gets blamed. Hell, I've blamed the woman several times before, in situations with friends and in my own life--I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

It's frustrating. I feel like we're now going back and forth, like "your move." "No, YOUR move." I wish I could make it clear that I will say yes, I won't turn him down, and I will take his cues. If he wants to be friends, that's totally cool (and it really is, I've crushed on all my straight guy friends at some point and it always, always passes once we spend some time together). If he wants to go for more...well, I won't stop him.

And I almost know that if I called, or texted, or even asked to hang out, he'd be very receptive. That said, if he asks me, calls me, texts me, I'll know he's not humoring me. Does that make sense?

I haven't said this until now, but the other day I remembered how I initially felt about Excalibur, in those halcyon days when I was pretty sure he liked me but didn't know 100%. I remember thinking he was really funny and cool and we had things in common, and if he wasn't into me like that, I'd be completely fine being his friend. I just wanted him in my world.

It's been almost 15 years, but now I feel that way about Jim Berger.

I just want him in my world.

Cue toughlove comment from Rock in 3, 2...

Fun With Numbers, by Doris

Earlier this week, I was sent a one-line message that did not contain proper grammar. Normally, that is a dealbreaker, but I liked the thumbnail picture of the guy's face so I clicked on it.

Hello, Six-Pack.

As I tend to go for the underfed hipster with just enough tummy to love type, I was intrigued. After Rock confirmed that the pictures were definitely not Photoshopped, I sent Six-Pack a message saying what's up. We agreed to meet for a drink Saturday at my favorite neighborhood dive bar.

I was fully intending to vet him and make sure he wasn't a serial killer (I've watched way too much 48 Hours, aka Don't Be a Single Woman Who Enjoys Sex Or YOU WILL DIE), and then take him home with me. Even if I got a weird feeling, I was probably at least going to make out with him at the bar. I arranged for a friend to call at midnight and make sure everything was okay.

I got there at 9, our designated meeting time. At 9:15, I knew he wasn't coming.

Now, to be fair, I'm not sure what happened. On Thursday night after we'd decided on a date and time, I messaged him asking for his cell phone number. I'm not a big phone person, but I like to have this before a date so I can call or text if I'm running late (which I usually am). Never heard back. Granted, I just moved, as did half of my city, and I don't yet have Internet at home: in fact, I had to send this last message from Rock's computer. It could very well be he's in the same situation and only has sporadic access to OKCupid. Maybe something did happen and he had no way of getting ahold of me.

Or maybe he's just a jackass who got a better offer.

Either way, I decided to wait another 15 minutes, as I was enjoying sitting around and drinking a beer.

Then, a very cute guy walked into the bar. He was alone, and appeared to be waiting for someone. I was pretty sure it wasn't Six-Pack, but there was a little resemblance, and sometimes people look different from their pictures. And if it really was Six-Pack, maybe he hadn't seen me yet.

A year ago this totally wouldn't have happened. Last night, I took a chance.

I took myself and my beer to the stool next to him.

"Excuse me," I said, "but has anyone ever told you, you look like Hunter Parrish?"

(He totally did, by the way.)

So it wasn't Six-Pack. But HP was a nice guy who is an artist and has three other jobs, who had just come from a concert and was waiting for his (male) friend. We had a fun little conversation (during which the word "girlfriend" didn't come up at all), and after he got a text from his friend asking him to meet elsewhere, I decided to walk out with him. I didn't tell HP my exact situation, just that I was waiting for someone too and I didn't think they were going to show.

Before we parted ways, he gave me his card.

And those weren't the only digits I scored yesterday.

Besides seeing each other at work, Jim Berger and I have been emailing back and forth for over a week. Just little things: our weekend plans, joking/bitching about work, etc. He contacted me yesterday, recommending a play, and saying he should have asked me to join him as he had a free ticket and his friend bailed at the last minute.

Seeing my opening, I emailed back: "For next time, or if you find yourself stranded at the movies: [my phone number]."

Less than two hours later, I get a reply: "Your number is now in my phone, so expect calls if I'm stranded. Or otherwise." Also, his number.

I have no idea where this is going.

I can't wait to find out.

Keeping You Up to Speed, by Rock

So later that day, Noah Wyle called me. He said that he should have brought this up before we slept together, but he has a rule that if he is sexually active with someone, they are sexually exclusive. He stressed that it was for health reasons, it wasn't a jealous thing, I could go on as many other dates as I wanted, it was too early to be exclusive, but his rule was sex was just with him.

I took a second to digest and said that I supposed that was fair, though yes it was too early to be exclusive and yes we should have talked about it before we had sex. I wasn't willing to say that sex wouldn't happen, even though I wasn't necessarily looking for it to happen. But if it did happen, then I would tell him about it and he could make a decision. He said that was valid and fair.

The whole thing strikes me as incredibly sophomoric. Before we had sex he did ask if he had anything to worry about but he didn't ask if I had had sex within the last week (I had). If sex is such a big deal, then he shouldn't have given it up on the second date. But if that makes him feel safer, that's his prerogative and I can either play along or not. For now, he's intriguing enough that I'll play along.

He and his friends were out the next night celebrating the end of the med school semester. My friend and I met them out for a few drinks and to dance. They were all wasted, but he was a cute wasted. He kept telling my friend how much he liked me and how cute I was.

The next day I hosted a tv night and invited him and his friend. They were super late because they ended up waiting 50 minutes for a bus. They weren't feeling it after such a ridiculous commute. My other friends (including Doris!) were about to go home, but it was fine and low-key, if not the fun, hilarious party night I had kind of expected.

Last night I went out with some coworkers and ended up making out with an ex-coworker. We were about to head home together before I realized that maybe I would go on a date with this guy, but I didn't really want to go home with him. I just wanted to sleep. So I said good bye and left mysteriously. The make-out made me feel better about Noah Wyle's silly little rule though. Because it is ridiculously early to start talking exclusivity in any matter.

Real date with Noah Wyle on Monday. Stay tuned.

Speaking of Berger..., by Rock

How special is this? A mobile update  from Noah Wyle's bed! He has left to take a final and I get to stay here and "sleep" until I go to work. Instead I am updating.

Despite multiple sporting events being on last night, I took him up on his offer to come over after work last night. We finished the movie we had started the other night, made out, and cuddled. I remarked that we were kind of doing things backwards: went straight to just hanging out and fooling around and then promising to come back to the "dates."

I also admitted that I felt way more comfortable with him on a second date than I should, as witnessed by walking in the door and hands being all over him right away. He admitted this was true for him as well.

Then we headed to bed and things started to get steamy. We talked about what was going to happen and we agreed that not much.

Then we got naked anyway and decided that sex was going to happen.

And then it got awkward. By his own admission, it had been a long time for him (Two years! Cannot imagine.). Enter pressure on me. It also became clear that he was focusing more on everything going right on the sex side of it and kind of disconnected emotionally. Which didn't work well for me.

Needless to say, the sex wasn't great.

Tangent: shirts off, we are more comparable than I thought. I know bringing this up makes me incredibly vain but it is more so you don't think I am with some Adonis. His body is still better than mine but yeah.

But back to the sex, without details it was just not what I was hoping for. Sure it wasn't for him either. But we both got off and got to bed, once we realized his comforter was down and making me cough and replaced it.

And I was immediately worried that he sex wasn't great. But with him not going up to bat for so long at least we got the first time out of the way and can just go to town next time.

I was of course thinking of Berger and Carrie. As long as it doesn't end with a post-it break-up we should be okay.

If the blow jobs this morning were any indication we should be fine.

So Wrong Yet So Right, by Doris

Quick updates:

1. Bonding with a guy over Danny Pudi (comedic genius) via OKCupid messaging. He also correctly guessed the origin of my screen name. Granted, this can be accomplished via Google, but still, points for effort!

2. Trying to arrange a meetup time with Wings. Feels like we've been messaging forever, as I had to take a little break to get some personal stuff in order.

3. This guy sent me a "ur hot" message. Normally that is a dealbreaker. Then I saw his six-pack. I messaged him back.

4. Had a great conversation with a coworker (not Jim Berger) about exes, craving alone time, and hearing your neighbors have sex. Nothing romantic, just fun to bond over stupid dating and relationship stories.

5. Speaking of JB, he sent me a cute email and referred to me as Ms. Doris. MS. Sa-fucking-WOON.

Oh, and this song is playing in the coffee shop and I love it.

In Which I Finally Meet Noah Wyle, by Rock

Noah Wyle had continued to text and talk on the phone when he suggested that this past Saturday night I come over after work to watch a movie and drink some wine. He apologized for the familiarity of the first date, but it was about all he could handle with all of the studying for finals (they're still not over). But since his best friend from high school took it upon himself to buy a ticket to visit him the day finals ended, it would probably be a while before he could have a real date and he was anxious to meet me.

I was exhausted as I headed over to meet him on Saturday. Work had been especially long and stressful. I was worried I wouldn't be able to stay awake.

He was visibly nervous as we sat down with some water instead of wine and started trading stories. He was a little different then I imagined. A little dorkier (not necessarily in a bad way). His hair was longer than it had been in most of the pictures (though it looked good). He has a tiny nose stud which I think is awful but maybe it'll grow on me. He was candid and sweet and very nervous about being on a date. Before entering med school he had lived in Hawaii for a year where dating wasn't a priority and then he entered med school and it stayed not a priority, so it had been a while for him.

And here is where I wonder if OKCupid is a good or bad thing. We were rated at a ridiculously high 93% match, 1% enemy. I don't know how far he would have gotten in a bar, but because of the rating I let him get over his nervousness and open up and he won me over.

We turned on a movie and sat close. I moved my arm into that "you can hold my hand if you want" position. He said, "So would it be presumptuous if I held your hand?" I laughed and said I wouldn't mind.

A little farther into the movie, there was some little exchange and I decided to go in for a quick little first kiss. Immediately the fireworks went off and this turned into one of the best make-out sessions of my life. The energy was just there.

Eventually he said that he needed to go to bed, but it was late and I was welcome to spend the night, though he wanted to take things relatively slow with me, and of course I shouldn't feel like I had to. I said I would take him up on the offer, but yes, I agreed that clothes should stay on.

So we made out some more and cuddled and flirted with crossing the line just the right amount. I mentioned that it didn't feel quite like a first date because we had been texting and talking on the phone so much.

He had to wake up early, but he let me stay and sleep in.

He invited me over tonight as well after work in lieu of a proper second date, just because of scheduling. If I get out of work early enough I'm sure I'll head over there. I am looking forward to a proper date. He's pretty new to this city and hasn't had a lot of time to explore. I told him to get ready for a night in which I introduce him to the best neighborhood (mine) along with the best beer, pizza or burger (his choice), ice cream, coffee, and company (mine).

We're headed on the track to something substantial though. We're both acting like it. Take it with a grain of salt, however, since we saw how it went with Charlie after I thought we were off to a good start. Especially since...

Some hesitations.

It's evident that we're both at a place in our life where we want to be in a relationship. I don't want us to be in a relationship just because we want to be. I don't think this would continue to a proposal or anything, but I could see us moving a little too quickly or being a little more enamored than we usually would be. So I'm aware of that.

His body is much better than mine. My fingers were admiring his hard stomach when he exclaimed, "Oh I haven't worked out in two months! I'm in awful shape." I told him to shut up, his body was much better than mine. I will be spending a lot more time in the gym to play catch up. If we end up dating this could be a good motivator. I list it under a hesitation though because it makes me insecure.

He likes to apologize for things and make sure I'm okay with things. "Is my arm okay behind you?" "I'm sorry am I moving too fast?" "Sorry I keep having to pee." "You don't have to come over tonight if you don't feel up to it. I won't be offended." "Sorry I'm shy at first." I have stressed multiple times that if I don't want to do something I won't. I have flat out told him to stop using the word "sorry" and to just relax. He has a grace period where he can be nervous, but I hope he gets over this.

Hopefully tonight will work out and we'll go from there!

I Done a Bad Thing, George, by Rock

Holy. Fuck.

Remember in SATC when Carrie was dating Aiden but ended up in bed with Big and a cigarette and you hated her and had to walk around and cool off because you were so angry with her?

Yeah get ready.

So tonight I went to go see a play with EE#3's boyfriend. Now you may recall that the three of us had a good time more than a few weeks ago. We had been trying to figure out a time to hang out again, I needed to see a show tonight, I asked them to come and only the boyfriend could make it.

We pregamed a little before the show and I brought up how I thought they were such a good couple. That brought up how they weren't a great couple and even though they were about to move in together they were having all these problems, a lot of them sex related.

This got me (probably unfairly) talking about my problems with EE#3. A lot of this guy's problems with him were similar. So we commiserated. We had a plan to get EE#3 to hang out with us after to have a repeat performance and that kind of gave us the safety to flirt a little, thinking that all would be well with the three of us very shortly.

The show ended and we headed back to my place to drink some more, eat some pizza, and we thought to wait for him. Then we got a text that not only was he not coming, he felt a little tricked into coming, and was a little uncomfortable with us hanging out. I excused this guy to go. He wanted to continue to hang out. Our legs continued to touch as we watched "Easy A" of all things. Irony.

The movie ended and we got a little closer and I finally said, "I don't want you to do anything that you will regret tomorrow. We should stop." And he said, "I told you that we haven't had sex in months. This isn't my first time fooling around on the side." I replied, "Well you can never ever tell him."

And with that, I became "the other woman." We fooled around. I felt guilty. I more felt like I should feel guilty than actually feeling guilty. I hate that I did that to EE#3. I realize if it wasn't me, it would be someone else. That doesn't make it okay.

I don't know. He just left. I'm still processing. I'm still tipsy. I never would have expected this.

There used to be this machine at the state fair when I was growing up that would analyze your signature and tell you your personality. I remember being told around sixth grade that I was the kind of person that would cheat if I knew 100% that I could get away with it. I remember knowing even back then that it was probably true.

I feel awful. I feel okay if I don't think about EE#3, but if I think about him I feel awful.

I think what bothers me the most is that I used to think they had this great thing. I'm terrified that I'll "find love" with someone and they will do this to me and I will have no idea. Granted I would never let my relationship regress to the problems they are having but still. No excuse. It's scary to think I could be left playing the fool.

I feel so badly that I didn't want to share this, didn't want to write about it. I'm forcing myself to do it while I'm not sober so I can't pretend it didn't happen. So I have to own up to it on some degree.

SOBER UPDATE: What's done is done. I won't let it happen again. Moving on.

Update, by Rock

So we just spoke on the phone. He passes the voice test (no speech impediments, not too low, not too high, not too nasal or denasal: can you tell I studied theatre and voice?) and it was enjoyable first-date level small talk for about twenty minutes.

I wish I didn't call that other guy Scrubs because I really like that as a nickname. We will call this one "Noah Wyle" instead.

Yellow Haired Female Likes Waffles and News, by Doris

So I'm on hookup hiatus for a week or two. I'm moving apartments: within my neighborhood, but still, it's super stressful. And of course there have been some complications and drama with the move. Ugh. I just want to wake up in my new place with all my stuff unpacked: is that too much to ask? I think not!

Haven't heard from The Hair since our last date, making me think he got the hint. I wish him well. He's a nice guy and I'm sure he won't have a problem finding someone who's into him.

With Jim Berger's encouragement, I have started to submit for freelance opportunities. I think about him sometimes when I'm not at work. And please don't yell at me in the comments--I know nothing's going to happen. I'm just at a point where I'm tired of the whole messaging/texting/awkward first dates dance. I really related to last week's Parks and Recreation, where Leslie attempts online dating. Leslie says something like she'd rather have something that wasn't perfect, but that she knew and liked.

Again, I know nothing's going to happen, I know I like it because it's safe and I need to keep putting myself out there. I know all of this.

But I'll own it: sometimes I wish he hadn't dated my friend.

It's Like the Plot of 42nd Street Is Happening in My Mind, by Rock

So this new med student that I've been texting with is looking pretty promising. Everything that we've talked about seems spot-on and he's only made one spelling mistake (here instead of hear). We had a great conversation yesterday (well as great as one can be via text) about how so many guys are "extremes" (I only have straight friends. I only have gay friends. I only hang out at straight bars. I only hang out at gay bars. I only want to go out. I only want to stay in.) and it's almost harder to be middle of the road. He flat out said he was short and asked if I realized that and would have a problem with it. I told him I would only have a problem if he had issues with it. If he had the confidence to measure up, then no worries (I think that's the case).

I really wish we could just meet and get it over with. These expectations just keep building, and I know how I get when a guy seems pretty good on paper and I want to be in a relationship (cough, cough, 2.0, cough, cough). Yet as much as I don't want to be that naive, young ingénue that has his mind made up before meeting the guy, I also don't want to be that bitter, old queen that's trying to figure out everything that is wrong with the guy. I am trying extremely hard (and succeeding, I believe) at balancing the "cautiously" and "optimistic." It is what it is, I'll meet him when I meet him, and until then life goes on. I'm really not even thinking about this as much as this post makes it seem like I am. Just bragging I guess about how I'm handling it.

I suggested that he call me today on a study break so we can chat. I really just want to hear the sound of his voice, but it'll also be a little closer to actually meeting and we can both get a better read on things.

Remember that guy that Doris and I met out like a month ago? Me neither really. But he was out again last night and we might actually get coffee for real. I don't think we're compatible enough, but I wouldn't mind seeing him sober to figure it out.

Bullet Points, by Rock

This has been a pretty quiet week on my end. Super busy. I felt like I needed to update though when I had to check to see what my last update was about.

Developments of note:

*Went on a date with a guy off of Scruff. We got along super well... in the most platonic way ever. When he texted the next day to say that he had a good time, I told him I did as well though it felt very platonic. He agreed and we've promised to be friends. We will see if that happens.

*Started emailing and now texting with another med student on OkCupid. He is at the end of the semester so we won't have a first date for a few weeks, but he seems really promising. I just wish we didn't start talking now, because I don't want to run out of steam in the next two weeks. I guess that's really not too far away and I should just be patient. As for now, we've been texting just the right amount. I get excited when I get one. I'm not overloaded with them. As always though, nothing more than cautious optimism until I actually meet him. Also, for as great as he seems, he is short. Call me an ass. Half a foot is a big difference.

*I deleted Scruff and Grindr from my phone. They're time wasters. I haven't had anything remotely close to good luck meeting people on them. I'm only going to get myself in trouble on them. Who knows if they'll be back on my phone eventually, but they are gone for now.

*This guy and I both rated each other highly on quickmatch. He wrote right away to suggest a drink. I logged on to read the message but didn't have time to respond so I was saving it for tonight. I just got ANOTHER message saying that he hoped he didn't come off crazy in the first message and hopes we can hang out sometime. Dude. You didn't seem crazy until you sent the second one. Just lost your chance. I am tempted to write and tell him that.

*I have just been craving alone time and friend time lately. I am pretty first-dated out. I wish I could skip that first month of dating and just be at that comfortable stage. Have someone to cuddle with. Oh well. Can you tell I'm on my second glass of wine?

And that's pretty much it.

Catholic Guilt, by Doris

I was baptized Catholic and went to parochial school from kindergarten to twelfth grade. Now I only go to Mass when I'm with my family because it makes them happy.

Yet Catholic guilt is a bitch to let go. And believe me, I've tried.

Last night I met up with The Hair at this really cool bar in his neighborhood that I've always wanted to try. The bar did not disappoint. Neither did the conversation, which was really fun and not at all one-sided and ranged from conservative family values to why e-readers are so awesome.

I wish, wish, wish I could feel something for this guy. I don't. Hence the Catholic guilt.

Really, I shouldn't have gone on this date at all. I know with the second date it's okay to still be figuring things out, but I'd pretty much already decided there would be no third date. I felt mean. At the same time, I didn't want to act distant and be rude.

He had a second drink, but I did not because a) the drinks were expensive, and b) I have a very low tolerance for alcohol and I needed to get up for work the next morning. He asked if I wanted to take a walk in the park, and I politely said no because, again, I had to work the next morning and if public transportation was slow it could take me up to an hour to get home. (Both of these were true. I just didn't mention that I've happily stayed out late on weeknights before.)

Oh, and he paid and didn't make a big deal out of it, which made me feel worse.

Outside the bar, I think he wanted to go for a kiss, but I gave him a hug instead. Again, I feel mean. But I think it would be meaner to lead him on.

Rock says this is part of the game, and I get that. This is just the first guy I've gone out with where I genuinely wish I could feel something.

We We We So Not Excited, by Doris

I'll keep this short, but I'm supposed to see The Hair tonight (we rescheduled from Friday). We are going to a bar in his neighborhood I've always wanted to go to, which is a plus.

And I can think of a million things I'd rather be doing.

He is perfectly nice, but a) I get the feeling he's way more excited about this than I am, and b) he called me "pretty girl" in a text.

Now, I know we've only been on one date and many girls like that kind of thing and he doesn't know me well enough to know this, but:

I don't really go for those kind of endearments. It just squicks me out even if the guy is not squicky.

I'm going to try to keep an open mind, but honestly it will probably be one drink and go.

Will report back.

(P.S. Did anyone see Parks and Recreation? Did anyone else have a REALLY hard time believing Leslie was the only one opposed to those two getting married? Though I did love her line about falling for the Civil War re-enactor.)

Eh, by Rock

So this guy that I had been talking to on Grindr for some time came over to watch a movie last night.

I really don't like when people explain the joke in their laughter. Like "Oh he lent her his pink shirt earlier. Hahaha." Or THE WORST: "No one would ever say that. Hahaha." Yes. That's why it's funny.

But anyways we started fooling around a little and it could have gone one of two ways: He was cute enough, and I could have totally hit that for the easy win, but I wasn't really feeling it and didn't really want to see him again.

While he was grinding on me I had this flashback to the first time 2.0 and I fooled around and I got a bit nostalgic. Then I had this GIANT COME-TO-JESUS MOMENT OF CLARITY. The ONLY thing special about 2.0 is how I felt about him. He was pretty average with his own set of flaws (and yes, strengths. He wasn't awful). But I was crazy about him. THAT'S what made him special.

And since I wasn't crazy about this one I told him "we should be good" and that "I had to be up early in the morning." He left before clothes came off.

I'm learning.

The Safety Dance, by Doris

So The Hair and I are scheduled to go out tomorrow night, have a glass of wine and maybe see a movie. Between working long hours (with more to come this weekend!) and preparing to move apartments, I am suspecting a glass or two of wine may be all I can handle. We'll see. I'd be very surprised if a third date comes of this--he's really nice, but I just can't get all that excited--but I am trying to keep an open mind.

I'm also messaging with a guy I'll call Wings because he and I both enjoy eating wings. The messages are very looong so I'm hoping we'll meet up soon.

And in the meantime...

Remember my friend's ex, who's also my friend, for whom I've had feelings in the past?

Let's call him Jim Berger. Jim as in Jim and Pam from The Office, because he works with me (though not in the same department). Berger as in Jack Berger from Sex and the City, because he is a writer (though to my knowledge, he has not dumped anyone via Post-It).

Can you tell Rock and I like TV?

So he's a quiet guy, laid-back, sweet. I've known him for several years but have gotten to know him better in the past year when we worked on a couple of projects together and he started dating my friend (also a coworker). We're both writers, like the theatre and movies, have stuff in common.

He's always been very complimentary of my writing--not this blog, which he doesn't know exists, but some of my other stuff on the Web. And he's an excellent writer and has a nice little freelance career going, so I value those compliments. He's said my writing style makes him want to improve his own, which, WOW. He's also trying to help me score some freelance gigs of my own, which is really nice considering how competitive the market can be.

And lately...there's been this energy between us.

Nothing too drastic. Just more chatting, some Facebook messaging, emails back and forth. Shy smiles. That sort of thing. Just a wee bit more than friendly.

I'm not delusional. I don't think this is going to lead to anything. I think we are both stressed out about various life-y things right now, and feel comfortable with each other.

And sometimes that's enough.

Energy manifests in different ways. I mean, Rock and I had energy from day one. Not a romantic energy, but it led to a friendship going on eleven years. Having energy with someone doesn't mean you're going to sleep with them. Or that you even want to. (Okay, I wouldn't be opposed in this case. But anyway...)

I'm not going to stop dating people or pine away for this dude. But I'm going to enjoy what we've got.

'Cause I don't know what Jim Berger's opinion is, but I think this is damn nice.

Twofer, by Rock

Went on this first date last night with this guy that reminded me of Twofer from 30 Rock because he was a skinny black dude with super short hair that went to Harvard.

He was cute, but his breath smelled. We also went to a place that specializes in ridiculously awesome and intricate cocktails and he ordered a beer he knew he liked.

He also just kept talking at me, whether it be about his job or short stories that were in Spanish so I couldn't read them if I wanted to or foreign films I hadn't seen.

The times we were actually having a conversation were great, but I was getting so annoyed every time he was just talking at me.

It was clear he was into it, kept touching my arm and getting closer to me. I felt like he was trying to connect with me, but I was so impatient to just get home and be in bed.

I definitely need a little break from dates. They're just getting more and more frustrating when they don't work out. If someone gets in touch with me, that's great. I'll consider it. But I'm not actively seeking for a while.

Winning, by Rock

Went to a bar after work with some straight guy friends to watch the game. It was the same bar that Scrubs and I grabbed a drink at, so I invited him to come join us. He did. I had a boy to make out with after the game and a place to stay.

He's still pretty unavailable, busy with school and not looking for anything serious. Still it was good times and if we hung out from time to time I would be okay with that.

Now back to bed. It is early.

I Have No Idea What Happened Last Night, by Rock

And because I have no idea what happened last night, I'm going to go over all of the details to try to figure it out.

First of all, on Sunday I was with the Couple and we were doing these personality analysis things. Mine talked a lot about how prevalent the idea of sacrifice was in my life, whether I gave up things because of a sense of duty or to please my parents and how it probably didn't feel like sacrifice to me, it just felt like doing the right thing. It talked about how I demand sacrifice from important people in my life. The word "sacrifice" made me really uncomfortable and I was not okay with this analysis at all, but I have been mulling it over and wondering if there is some truth to it.

(For the record, the rest of the night with The Couple was really fun. I think I want to start transitioning into just a friendship, but that is neither here nor there, I want to talk about last night. Not Sunday.)

Last night I worked but then was supposed to head over to Charlie's to watch a movie and most likely have a sleepover. A sleepover had been close to happening last time, but because of things like contact solution and early morning classes on his part, we decided to wait until next time.

You might remember that Charlie lives in the same building, on the same floor as 2.0. However, I really thought I was over this and it wouldn't be a big deal, even if I did run into him.

But I was really looking forward to hanging out with Charlie. We had been cute texting all week, he has a lot going for him, it was going to be fun. All of work, I was really excited to head over and relax and probably get laid.

Then I got a text during work asking if I had seen "I Love You, Phillip Morris" because it was "finally out" and supposed to be "incredible." I said I hadn't and that was definitely an option. But for some reason, and I don't know why, this annoyed me a bit. Call me petty. I would definitely see that movie out of curiosity, but I would probably do most things out of curiosity. I slept with a girl a little over a year ago just to "see what it was like." But that's another story.

I jumped in a cab and headed to his place after work, and I am not going to lie: it was a little weird giving 2.0's address. I had taken that cab ride so many times in December and January. I exited the cab at the grocery store with the Redbox where 2.0 and I had done so many frozen pizza and beer runs (to be fair, this was also my grocery store for most of college, so let's not get overly nostalgic for 2.0). And to be honest, at this point, this was all just a little weird. I wasn't freaking out about it. Yeah I would prefer to not run into 2.0, but it was actually all just kind of amusing.

Charlie got down there and we started looking at movies and immediately he was just annoying to me. I think he was just really excited to be hanging out with me, and that is very sweet, but it manifested itself into this hyper energy that was just not appealing. Something about his movie tastes were just a little off-putting. It's hard to describe, I'm usually not that snob, but I just recall thinking "What was I thinking?" This guy is not for me.

We decided on The Switch. We went back up to his place, and I felt a little like I was trespassing but again it was just weird more than anything. I remember being ready for anything when I got off the elevator on that floor, but that moment quickly passed, we turned right instead of left, and all was well.

Looking back at it, it was almost rude how when we got into his room, I just started turning on his TV and putting the movie in, but the small talk was taking a while, and I knew he had to get up so early. I didn't make a big deal of it, I was just getting ready for our night. But I probably should have just let him do it. I could have even suggested that he do it, but I just did it. Which strikes me as weird now. At this point, his energy was still just really kind of bugging me.

We watched the movie lying in his bed just kind of touching. About halfway through he put his head on my shoulder and I wrapped my arm around him.

For the record, the movie is great. It was definitely a bit more serious than we thought it was going to be, but I really enjoyed it a lot. Add it to your queue.

The whole movie though I was dreading about after. I knew that no hard feelings, but I really didn't want to see him again after this. The energy just wasn't there like I thought it was. I was mad at myself for thinking it was. I was confused as to why it wasn't there anymore, but I knew it would be awful to fool around and spend the night and then never want to see him again. I knew it was easier short-term, but not overall.

Earlier in the day before work I was reading this short story by Lorrie Moore called "What Is Seized. It is narrated by this woman recalling growing up with a "cold man" for a father and the toll it took on her mother. It was a beautiful, haunting story, all the more so because I had this realization that I am attracted to "cold men." Men that could lure you in with charm, but then left you gasping for some emotional connection. 2.0 strikes me as one, for example, and if you worked through my evil exes you could probably find a few more.

So now I had this guy who was so excited to have me over and in his bed that he was practically bouncing off of the walls and that energy, that excitement over me was so off-putting that I considered myself completely over this guy. What exactly is wrong with me?

After the movie he started kissing me and every kiss was awful for me. I felt trapped and claustrophobic. I kept thinking about this "sacrifice" I was going to have to make of fooling around with this guy I wasn't into. He could tell that something was a bit up.

"Are you tired?" he asked me.

"A little. Are you?" I replied.

"No. Should I be?"

We continued kissing as it because more and more apparent to me that I could not spend the night. Absolutely not. My head rushed for excuses and reasons that wouldn't crush this sweet boy that did nothing wrong.

Finally I had a moment of genius.

"I'm sorry," I began, "It's just so weird for me knowing that he's just a few doors down. I made it sounds like I was over him more than I was, but he really broke my heart."

He was empathetic. "I knew something was wrong. I'm just glad it's not me. I thought I did something wrong."

We did the little dance, both commenting on how similar the apartments looked. Me apologizing and saying how stupid I felt.

He asked if I wanted to just go to bed. I said I thought it was better if I left.

I felt like the biggest dick in the world. He was crushed. But at least his feelings were spared a little bit. I gave him an awkward hug good-bye at the door.

Walking to the train station, I wondered if there was any truth to my excuse. It certainly felt a bit true, but I could have just really bought into it in order to sell it to Charlie. My current guess is that it was a little more uncomfortable for me to be there than I was allowing myself to admit, but that being said, it wouldn't have worked out with Charlie anyway, and I was lucky to have such a good excuse right there. I looked like a fool, but a sacrifice I am willing to make in order to spare his feelings a bit.

I am a little surprised that he hasn't texted me anything about last night. I think he knows that it is completely over and completely awkward. Not sure if I owe him an "Again I'm really sorry" text or not.

But anyway, that was my night. I'm still a little confused by it. If someone can figure it out better than I have, by all means, please don't be shy.

Maybe Let's Stop Whining, by Doris

Sorry for the Katherine Heigl-esque post yesterday, everyone.

Anyway, I just messaged The Hair and said yes to a second date. I've also been messaging back and forth with a really nice guy who, like me, loves to eat wings.

Also, for the first time ever, I messaged ALL THREE of my Quiver matches (where you're matched up by the OKCupid-bot or whatever). Including the one who's all "I'm way too good for this self-masturbatory online crap." And yes, I refrained from asking, "then why are you on OKCupid?"

Life ain't so bad.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?, by Doris

So remember The Hair, the guy I very briefly talked about before I immediately jumped into stressing about my attraction to my friend's ex-boyfriend?

Me neither.

The reason I didn't talk about the date that much is because, really, there wasn't much to talk about. We met up for coffee, had a nice conversation, hugged good-bye. He said he'd like to hang out again, I said sure. It wasn't until four or five days later I realized I hadn't heard from the guy.

Four or five days.

At that point I barely remembered I had a date with him. So it was probably better he didn't follow up, right?

That's what I thought, and then I heard from him again. Apparently he got pretty sick right after our date (don't know whether I believe that, don't really care. At least he acknowledged he hadn't contacted me). He apologized, wants to get together again.

What do I do, you guys?

Yes, there's one other guy I'm messaging with who I think has potential, but other than that the dudes aren't exactly banging down my door a la Rock. I've done some messaging here and there, but haven't heard back from most of the guys. I'm going to try to put in some more time on OKCupid this weekend.

In other words, I don't want to be TOO picky. And it's true, this guy was a lot easier to talk to than Straight Anthony Rapp, so I don't think a second date would be nearly as awkward. It's just...meh. I'm not excited, and aren't you supposed to be a little excited this early in the game? Then again, I don't want to miss out on anything.

Thoughts?

I Really Miss Sleeping, by Rock

Yesterday I was doing some quick matches on OKCupid when I rated this hot guy with the most amazing nose (don't laugh) a 5. I don't do that often. I quickly got a message that he rated me highly as well, followed by a message asking me if I would want to grab a drink sometime. I'm not used to being out right away, I know Doris kind of hates it, but I didn't mind the directness because he was so cute. I told him my schedule was crazy, but if he was patient, I totally would like to grab a drink soon. I gave him my number and soon got a text apologizing for being forward, but would I like to grab a drink that night seeing as he was leaving for out of town the next day. Sure, I said.

We met after work at a relaxed wine bar. We had a pretty good time. I was pretty tired and felt particularly inarticulate. I walked him home and was invited upstairs where we watched a tiny bit of tv. It was clear he didn't want a kiss good night, but did want me to text him when I got home. Which I did, saying that I was intrigued and wouldn't mind a round two. I didn't get a response. Which I didn't lose sleep about.

The Couple also texted me during the day yesterday to make plans for this weekend. I also suggested that they come into my work for drinks and dessert. They did. It was kind of odd to serve them and flirt with both of them, but it was super nice of them to visit. We have plans for Sunday. Not sure exactly what is going on here.

Tonight was round two with Charlie. I can't put my finger on this one. Looks wise, he is a cute little guy but so not my type. Still I can't help but think he's adorable when I'm around him. He's funny, articulate, clever, likes a lot of the same things as me. We have a good time.

Tonight we went to get pizza and ice cream before coming back to my place to watch Survivor (like I said, we're both obsessed). We were sitting very close on the couch and soon after the show ended we were kissing and things got very heated. I picked him up carried him to my bed and we started taking each other's clothes off.

Normally here I would want to have a talk about how far things were going to go or make some excuse about how I usually don't do this (lie) or blah. This time I simply said, "I trust that you'll let me know if I go too far" to which he replied, "Same goes for you."

And he did stop me before it went all the way, but it was fun to toss him around a while and be aggressive. There was definitely a sexual connection there.

He has class in the morning and couldn't stay the night this time, but there are plans for a sleepover next time.

He tried to do the whole "I usually don't go that far" act and I just said "There was a connection, we acted on it, we had a good time. It's all good on my end."

So Charlie, The Couple, the guy from the bar the other night that I'm supposed to grab coffee with, and then there's another guy I've been messaging on OKCupid that I am intrigued by and want to meet. I am feeling a little overwhelmed.

A really awesome date, by Rock

So on Sunday night I had a bit of an unconventional date planned. It went really well though. Surprisingly well.

I went over to their place after work, which was conveniently about a block and a half away. We had drinks and talked for a bit before watching Tangled. The energy was there, and by the end of the movie we were cuddling. Soon after clothes came off and we headed to the bedroom for an incredible time. I was told, "Of course you'll stay and cuddle, right?" I was offered an extra toothbrush and to see if their extra phone charger would fit my phone (it did! win!). Just a really fantastic night all around where I really felt a connection. Before I left in the morning, plans were made to hang out again very soon.

Well if you haven't caught on that I'm using a plural pronoun yet... the date was with a couple.

I met one of them on grindr earlier in the week, and after hitting it off he admitted that he had a relationship of two years and they were looking to open it up. They wanted someone they could be friends with, they didn't just want an anonymous person to come in and drop trou. Everything they said while talking to both of them convinced me that they were going about it in the absolute best possible way. We made plans for Sunday night and you just heard the rest.

They were such a great couple, it was great to be a part of it for a while. Their affection for each other was contagious. Opening up a relationship isn't something I think I could do personally, but they took such great care of each other during the "exploration" that I'm glad it works for them, because honestly it was a really fun, hot night. I'm looking forward to having two new friends, and if we happen to fool around again, that's okay too. But really that's just icing.

Other updates:

Still haven't heard back from Faux Spaniard. I almost feel like writing again expressing my sadness that he doesn't want to be friends. Not to try and change his mind, but to get across that I really did want that.

Haven't heard from Scrubs since our mutual night out.

Charlie and I continue to text about once a day and are hanging out tomorrow.

Was out with Doris last night at a gay bar and had a great time. Gay men seem to find her fabulous. A cute guy came over and hit on me last night, which is rare. He was cute enough and was doing everything right, talking to Doris and me instead of just me, etc etc, and did get my phone number, but then this guy I know from college came over who was kind of being a dramatic downer and this new guy kind of got in a diva-off with him, which wasn't the most attractive thing. If he asks I'll still get coffee with him though, because in all honestly the guy from college was being kind of annoying.

To Branch Out or Not to Branch Out, by Doris

Okay, I lied. Rock and I didn't get married. April Fool!

What I wasn't foolin' about, though, was my frustration with OKCupid. Four months on it and I keep getting the same dudes, over and over. It's a little discouraging. Are my tastes really that limited?

So I'm thinking (just thinking) of branching out. I don't want to pay through the nose, and I already know some of the sites are not right for me. Match.com, definitely not. eHarmony, hell to the no. A friend is now on chemistry.com and hasn't had a great experience. As I am not a gay man, Connexion is out.

Nerve.com looks kinda promising, as do a couple of other sites.

So daters and datees, any advice? Have you had good/bad experiences with any of the above or any I may have missed? Leave a comment!

Gays Like Brunch, by Rock

First of all, a very happy belated Opening Day to all of our readers! A bigger deal than Christmas and my birthday combined, I hope that your teams (both real and fantasy) are doing as well as mine.

First of all, I'm not sure how long Scrubs is going to be in the picture, if at all. We had been texting a bit what with baseball starting (my team started off wonderfully, his did not) and realized we were both going to be out on Friday.

But then as a text he did something that drives me crazy. He called me "bud." Bud is what I call someone if I'm trying to assert that I just see them as a friend even though they might have a crush. Bud is what I call my buds. Bud is not a cute nickname for boys I like. It confuses me when guys use it as such. So I made a joke out of it: "Bud? Have I crossed into the friend zone already?" His response: "Look BUDDY. If you're going to be like that than YES. I'll be by you guys soon. Keep in touch." I don't think he was actually annoyed, I think he was just playing along. I said I was just checking because I thought he was adorable. He said he was going to come buy us shots.

My friend had to get up early and we actually didn't get to meet up. I haven't heard from him since, and I think I will wait to hear from him before moving forward with him. My read is that he is busy in med school, and wants something super super casual. Something in theory I want, but in practice don't do well at. I want to be involved on some level, even if I don't get to see you very often.

And then I went out with the dental student on Saturday for brunch. We're going to call him Charlie, because we talked Survivor for a lot of the date and he reminds me of Charlie from a few seasons back a little bit.

The whole date was a bit of a blur because of my sinus medication. Seriously this spring is trying to kill me.

Charlie is not exactly my type. A little shorter than me and super super skinny. No muscles. I could tell that he shaved his chest and I'm almost positive he was wearing some make-up.

That being said, he was still a guy. Not super fem. We have a lot in common, whether the afore-mentioned Survivor love or how seriously we took high school. The conversation was flowing, and by the end of the meal we had put in our calendars that we would watch Survivor together Wednesday night when I got off of work.

HERE'S THE THING. He had mentioned in our OKCupid messages and I was immediately suspicious. He not only lives in the same building but on the same floor as 2.0. He is friendly with 2.0, knows him by name, and says hi to him in the hallways and such. I played it off like 2.0 and I had an amicable friendly mutual ending (which is 90% true) and that it will be more funny than awkward if we run into him. But let me just say I am not looking forward to this. I am not going to lie. 2.0 is more attractive conventionally than Charlie and as bad of a person as I am, it will be a little awkward. But let's wait for that to actually happen and progress to the point where I am hanging out there before I worry about it. And really, I am 95% over 2.0 at this point. I just still would prefer if he didn't exist in my universe at all.

But the date went well, Wednesday is planned, we hugged goodbye on the busy daytime downtown street and we'll see.

Oh Happy Day, by Doris

After four months on OKCupid, I have to say, I'm discouraged by what I see.

I mean, really. Married dudes who pull disappearing acts! Rent-star look-alikes with funny voices and awkward demeanors! Hipsters upon hipsters upon hipsters, some of whom wear purple pants!

That's not to say my offline life's any better. I mean, I've got ex run-ins in the supermarket parking lot, good on paper platonic pals, and crushes on friends' former lovers!

Between walled-up preppies, dudes who text mid-date, and faux Spaniards, Rock's fed up too.

So we made it official.

Last night, Rock and Doris flew to Vegas and got married.

To each other.

We will enjoy a long sexless life of brunches, showtunes, white wine and well-decorated apartments.

Cue the Mendelsohn!

A Drunken Review, by Rock

Here's a little experiment. Here's my retelling of my date tonight that I wrote while still drunk instead of the next morning after I've had time to reflect.

So this guy actually contacted me on OKCupid which is a rarity. Usually the people that I end up seeing are people I've first contacted. The ones that contact me are fat and/or ugly and/or old. Sorry to past commenters on this blog: fat and ugly and old don't do it for me.

This guy was in med school, had kind of a goofy smile, and was fun to talk to. He may have even been the first to suggest we hang out, which is really nice.

Since he is in med school, we will call him Scrubs.

He called me to make plans and got my voice mail. I called him back and got his voice mail as well. Instead of a clear concise voice mail, I rambled on for a minute and change about the siren in the background, how distracted I was, and an apology for the length and obnoxiousness of the voice mail. His return voice mail commented on my "stellar voice mail" and how it was okay I must be new to them.

He was already poking fun at me. Color me intrigued.

Where does that turn of phrase come from? Color me __________. It's kind of odd.

Anyways, it turns out he lives very close to where I work, so we agreed to meet for a drink when I got off tonight.

Aside from his goofy smile, he's your very typical upper-middle class suburban kid. Like the majority of guys I date he came out late in life. I don't know why this is a recurring pattern, but this kid has never had a real relationship which is a real red flag. He don't go out to gay bars a whole lot, most of his friends are straight. Been there, done that before (hello boy that broke my heart, not sure what EE number you are cause I'm drunk). He's pretty generic looking, which I seem to really like (fuck Angel and Spike, I was always all about Riley).

But he was charming and fun and I was smitten.

I wasn't sure if he was. We talked a lot about how attractive Darren Criss is. My efforts to entangle our legs didn't work out great. I think he's a little clueless about how things go.

Which could be great. 2.0 had such a stupid schedule of how things happen and what could happen and blah blah blah. I dunno, it could also be awful.

We couldn't stay out too late: he still had to finish up some homework. We walked as far as we could go together and then both went in for a nice first kiss. He said he was sure he would talk to me soon, I said I was sure he was right.

We texted a good night.

This could be fun.

However, I also have a first date with a dental student later this week. Also from OKCupid, I spoke to him on the phone for the first time this evening and there seems to be something there as well.

It's really nice though to finally be excited about some potential again. I was so disillusioned with the concept of love after 2.0 that it's really nice to think that it could possibly happen. Even if not with one of these guys, that it may be in my future. I was doubting it for a while.

Let's see how I handle this.

Impure Thoughts, by Doris

So last night I went on a date, with a performance artist I'll call The Hair (because in his OKCupid profile, his hair was different in every picture). We went to a coffeehouse in the most hipster part of the city, where even I, perfectly hipster in my own neighborhood, feel like I've stepped out of the pages of The Preppy Handbook.

It was fun. We talked about trashy gay soap operas and he tried to convert me to Dr. Who. Not sure if I felt any real energy, but I'd be willing to go on a second date to find out. We'll see what happens.

Then today, I found out two of my friends broke up.

I'd been suspecting something was up: they suddenly decided not to move in together. Their Facebook profiles (yes, I'm just that nosy) no longer had "in a relationship," and he changed his profile pic from a photo of the two of them to one of just himself. She gave me a ride today and I asked, wanting to be supportive.

Sure enough, they are no longer.

I'm sad. I like them both a lot, and thought they had a really nice energy together.

If only the story ended there.

Remember when I told my friend I'd once crushed on her boyfriend?

This is the couple.

Or rather, the former couple.

Now, before you're all "Doris you slut, you're not even thinking about going after this guy when you're friends with him and his ex-girlfriend, and you've actually been friends with the ex-girlfriend longer, you giant whorebag, wasn't making out with a married dude enough?"--hear me out.

I'm not even thinking about it.

Or rather, I AM, and I kind of hate myself for it.

I would never, ever, ever do something like that to a friend.

And the guy and I aren't right for each other. He is a boyfriend with a capital B, and also constantly has his head in the clouds. I'd alternately feel smothered and ignored.

I'd love to have a friend with benefits who was actually a friend, though. And it's so nice to think about not going on awkward first dates for a while.

Yes, it's crossing my mind. Even though I'd never take it beyond abstract thought, it's the goddamn pink elephant in the room and my self-loathing is at an all-time high. So much that I almost didn't blog about it, then I realized this is EXACTLY the thing I need to blog about.

I'm also guessing that since y'all kept reading after my dalliance with the Russian, you won't hate on me too much for just having thoughts about my friend's ex-boyfriend.

Arrrgh. Off to take a walk and clear my head.

Coffee Grindr (Groan), by Rock

So Grindr has pretty much become the bane of my existence. I have wasted countless hours chatting with guys that I will probably never meet.

One thing I do kind of like about it is that it simulates the bar scene. Based on one picture and 140 characters, I have to decide if I want to start a conversation or not. Maybe I will one day work up the courage to actually hit on someone in a bar.

The problem is, half of the guys on Grindr seem to only want to fool around somewhat anonymously (I've gone on the record as saying that internet hookups are like fast food: you crave it, you think you want it, you remember it being good. Then you go for it and you just feel kind of greasy and unfulfilled after.), and the other half just seem to want to chat. When I suggest coffee or something, they're not interested.

I did actually met someone off of Grindr for coffee yesterday. The conversation went moderately well, but I was confident there was nothing worth exploring. He was a nice enough guy, but it was apparent that we were just at two very different points in our lives. Not only that, but we had pretty different approaches to life. When we said good-bye, we said, "Nice to meet you," which is only said to cover up the fact that you're not saying, "We should do this again sometime."

BUT THEN. ONCE AGAIN. I get the text, "Hey it was nice to meet you. Should we grab a drink soon?"

Once again, a boy that I seem to have no connection with is pulling for something. And I'm unsure if I've closed myself off emotionally so much that I'm unwilling to see possibilities below perfection or if these guys are so desperate for something that they're willing to settle for "eh, maybe."

And I wavered for a minute, and then texted him that it was fun chatting, but I really didn't feel a spark.

Three future first dates in the process of being planned... stay tuned for more exciting adventures!